New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

lol Baffy, no worries re: calling. all you need is my address and just show up.

i'm planning that we order pizza saturday night. i now realise i have 2 bottles of champagne, 1 bottle of rose champagne and 1 bottle of cava

dd normally has tea about 6ish and is in bed by 8ish. d'you want to do pizza before or after kids in bed? dd not keen on pizza (strange child!) but that's not a problem. freezer is full of kid food!

wrt dreams. yeah i have had a lot of those. they are fading now tho. i think it's your subconcious processing everything and letting go. fwiw, i think they're a good thing for all that they are quite unsettling.

i have slept better in the last week or so than i have for months. it's such a relief.

okay, i need teabag help now. i have a little bit of money. i want to go somewhere warm, pleasant and easy to get to from heathrow that dd will enjoy.

i've found a great campsite (love camping) in south france and spain but both flights are from stansted which is gah!

PC stanstead is not so bad - but then we live nearer and would absolutely avoid heathrow!!!

I love spain - and the spanish just love kids - not so keen on the french but thats because i never did any at school (forced to learn german) so i dont even bother to try to speak it which i know is rude but then when you flash your credit card they suddenly seem to understand .

I vote for spain everytime - and that is where we are going this year too.

REally looking forward to sunday.

Huh! Ok, keep rubbing it in, keep talking bout Sunday

I will be with you in spirit ladies. Baffy, you can have my pudding

Go for it PC, gooooooo on! get off to spain! No bikini shots on FB though please!

Love to everyone else xx

Sorry TFM

You must make sure you come to the next one.

And you mustnt sit at home and worry that we are talking about you either- because you know we will be .

Yeah I know I should just bite the bullet but I'm 20 mind from heathrow and nearly 2 hours from stansted!
on train as away over night for work, just watched an episode of torchwood I bought off iTunes
amazing!

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lol, it will seem quite weird to actually use the RL names to address one another! Have just posted about this on FB too

You norty girl HW!

Right ladies, TFM has troubles yes, him indoors troubles. Been going on for a while but I remained strong and supportive to my fellow Teabags but I want some TLC now please, and some wise words. Here goes.

Things have been good for a while now. Good, not great but good. DP became thoughtful and considerate and more attentive which was lovely. However, I have continued to have my own bedroom and sleep alone and (forgive the TMI) DP has paid me a 'visit' once a week before returning to his own room. This was fine in the first instance as I wasn't ready to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, and he was happy with it too. However, as we have got closer and as I thought we were trying to get the relationship back to full speed, it has become a bit of a bone of contention with me. Although most of the time we are great friends,which is brilliant considering how we were this time last year, there is once again very little affection.
To add to that, DP has gone back to his old habit of spending all of his spare time, and I mean all of his spare time, on his hobby which is horse racing. This has taken priority. Even to the extent where if he isn't actually at the racecourse he is comandeering the tv and the laptop and gambling online. He does it with a smile and in a charming way these days, he doesn't feel the need to cause a row as an excuse to divulge as he used to do so I suppose that's progress.

However, I have tried to talk to him about how I feel about whats happening but he refuses to listen. This is where he does get angry, gets his coat on and disappears for the day. It's so bloody frustrating because nothing ever gets sorted. He just refuses to talk about it.

To cut a long story short, while all of his needs are getting met, whilever he is getting his own way, he is happy. If I should ask for him to meet me half way, perhaps spend time as a family or even babysit while I disappear for a saturday, he loses it. He won't hear of it.

Now here is the fateful bit. Two weeks ago he literally came into the room while I was watching Columbo (i love Columbo) he took the remote, set up the laptop and switched to the racing channel. I did try to remain calm, I promise I did BUT, I preceded to tell him how selfish he is being, in evey area blah, blah, blah. I asked him how he felt we could work together to change things, to get us on the right track. He said we can't that he doesn't feel we can get close again (double ) He said the best thing would be for us to split up. I was dropped on, absolutely gutted! After all that hard work, after all that compromise on my part, he wants to split up.

Okay, so at first I was gutted. Felt total rejection, thought it must be me, you know the drill. But now, looking back over everything, I don't think it is me. I don't think he wants an equal relationship. He wants all of his needs met, his laundry done, his belly fed, he wants to come and go as he pleases BUT, he doesn't want to have to give back.

SO, after a heck of a lot of very deep thinking, although I am rather upset by it all, I am thinking myself that splitting up is probably the best way to go. We have got over our major problems but we haven't pulled together IYSWIM, there is still a huge void between us, one that I can't fill by myself. We have had quite a nice chat tonight and, although he won't tell me that he doesn't love me, which I desperately want him to do so that I find it easier to accept, he won't tell me he wants us to stay together, he just says it's for the best. (by nice I mean that he actually talked, he didn't do a runner and he wasn't nasty and defensive)

The truth is I have worked bloody hard on myself, I have got myself in a damn good place, he has changed his behaviour due to the changes in me but, his 'habits' haven't changed. He said to me tonight that we both agree that splitting up is best but I asked him not to put words into my mouth. I have accepted that he wants to end the relationship purely because I cannot change the way he feels or change what he wants. I have accepted it but it doesn't mean I agree with it. He wants to be able to come and go as he pleases and I want the happy family. We both want different things. I told him that this doesn't make either of us bad people, that there doesn't have to be a bad reason to split, meaning that he doesn't have to be defensive or hostile towards me because I'm not going to blame him. I just accept how he feels.
I think this touched him. He is not a man to show his emotions, not at all but he did look upset and he picked up his car keys, telling me he was going to go put fuel in the car. Trying hard to look ok but not quite managing it. I felt sorry for him

So there you go. Thats the Teabags up to date with TFM. Of course, I have been here before (I am remembering that it is the start of the racing season and he will want his feedom more than ever he has done this to me before but this time it feels different. Before i desperately wanted him to want me, I wanted to save the relationship and I definately did not want to be a single parent. But this time I feel stronger. My needs are not being met in this relationship, we feel more like best mates than anything, which is good but I would like a bit of the 'other' as well I would like to feel loved and appreciated. I am a little scared but, I am happy to let him go. I love him enough to let him go. If he comes back to me then thats great. He will be coming back to me having realised what he has lost and hopefully he will have learned from that and will be able to give more of himself to the relationship. If he doesn't come back to me then thats that. I can move on knowing, really knowing that I did my bloody best.

Thank you so much for letting me get that lot off my chest and sorted in my head. I have something to look back on now in moments of despair. I'm sure there will be some. I had better get stocked up on the st johns wort and the 5htp

Lots of Love fellow Teabags. It's loevly to know you are there xxx

TFM

I am just so shocked - the trouble is we cant give you advice as you are so good at giving it you already know all the answers.

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that we are here for you.

I would joke and say 'couldnt you join him in getting addicted to the horses' but we all know that would not be healthy.

Hope this doesnt mean you are not going to the grand national.

How did he react when you got angry about the tv. Dont forget we all still have fights about things. Could it not be that you are just over-reacting a bit and that maybe it was just one of those silly argumetns that shouldnt have got so bad. Have you stored up all the anger and resentment and it has just 'exploded' all at once?

I know you are deep thinker too so you have probably already got all the answers sorted.

Do take care now and remember we are all here for you and you are fantastic.

Hi HW

About the tv, no, i'm afraid it wasn't a case of over reaction. You are right though in that I do feel a lot of resentment at not being able to be free to just sit and watch a tv programme. I had just got settled and was really enjoying it. DD was with grandparents so I was having some peace Usually, my weekends are just like any other day, cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking. I am not so fortunate as DP to get 2 days off. Typical of many men though he fails to see this. It's the pure selfishness of it.

It's quite comical really because although he was the one to suggest parting, he is the one who seems most affected by it. I am very calm and ok while he is wound up and angry. Stomping about and making his presence felt. I think it is a case of him feeling he has lost control, I have reacted in a totally different way to the one I previously would have and this has completely thrown him.

You are right in that I have done a lot of deep thinking, you know me soooo well! and my reckoning is, if we survive this then it will be great because, by the time I have finished he will have learned a great lesson which will only serve to help us create a better relationship

xx

Dont forget though that if he needs to feel in control then you need to let him feel that whilst really keeping it yourself.

You are clever TFM - but dont forget your own advice - dont let him feel too trapped by his own actions, give him an escape route (straight into what you really want ).

Good luck with it though i hope you do get the outcome you want.

Thats exactly what I have been doing for the past year HW. It has worked well in some circumstances but not in others.
He has an escape route already if he wants it, he just has to say he didn't mean what he said and he wants us to stay together. Thats why I am remaining calm and not saying or doing anything I might regret later But if that does happen then there has to be some changes, otherwise we are just going to go round in circles.

Thanks for 'listening'

Morning TFM I've just got in, just letting you know I've read it and am replying now, I'll write back in a sec xx

Just wanted to say have a good time this weekend - have a ton of things to to today because DS wouldnt go to sleep last night.

LOL TFM I love columbo too..its so cheesy but I just cant help myself Perry Mason too - although I do spend a lot of of time sniggering at the fashion & the BIG hair. Hubby tells me perms are back IN I have told him I am SO not going there again!! Too much like hard work LOL I used to look like a candy floss when I got up in the morning

I have resigned myself to never again having control of the telly though ...once the children go to bed hubby takes control and its endless documentaries about animals (id rather watch paint dry!)

Gosh Lillybubble your job sounds very glam - you gave that up to live in ANDOVER (that was you wasnt it?) the things we do in the name of love.

Baffy I still have dreams about an ex I was with YEARS ago...they are SO vivid and I wake up even though I am over it I feel really disorientated as in the dream it is how it was when I was with him. I have a much better life now though

Still cant get over your ex headbutting someone...always struck me as a weird thing to do as it must hurt the person who does it as much as the victim. Do his family have any idea why he has changed so much or are they not a talky kind of family?

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I'm really saddened to read your post TFM, this is such a complex and deep rooted situation.

I have to say that I remember a lot of your thread last year, and I tend not to mention anything or ask you too many questions because you know we're always here and you can open up whenever you need to.
I feel that you are a very private person in a lot of ways, and even though this is an 'annonymous' site (even though we've all blown that now! ) you find it hard to open up about how you're feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it's just too painful for you, so it's easier to keep that smiley face, show the world that you're happy and ok, and hopefully that will then become reality.

But you know me, I really am Mrs Positive 99% of the time. I can find the good in any situation. And I think you're exactly the same. However, sometimes, the hardest thing, is accepting that in certain instances, it's bloody hard to find that positive thing!!

What strikes me about your situation is that everything has been down to you. You had to read up, understand his behaviour, understand your own behaviour, examine your past, examine your relationship, then modify how you react to him in order to get him to behave in a half decent way.

But what has he done? What effort has he actually made to contribute to your relationship working? Absolutely none.

You've worked bloody hard on yourself. (Something which I wonder if you really needed to do in the first place.) But he doesn't appreciate it. In fact I bet he doesn't even realise it.

Even now he refuses to listen. He refuses to meet you half way.
His response is a total cop-out. He might as well say "ok, you've made all this effort, worked so hard, been the best wife and mother you could possibly be, but I'm a selfish arse who refuses to listen or change myself, so I'll go and find a doormat who will attend to my every need without question. You're now too strong and too switched on for my liking. I need a partner who is subordinate, not an equal."

To some extent his hobby is a red herring. If it wasn't the horse racing it would be something else. It's about lack of respect for you. Lack of respect for your marriage. And ultimately, selfishness.

I also think there is a lot of controlling behaviour in him.

My guess (could be way off the mark) is that because you have really 'found' yourself. Because you are now so strong and so in control of your own destiny, he can't deal with it. He no longer controls you. You know what you want. And without screaming and shouting, you are subtely showing him that you have wants and needs which are just as valid as his, and need to be met.

He can't deal with that! He doesn't want to meet your needs. He wants you to meet his. Then he wants you to leave him be.

I really could go on forever as I'm remembering a lot of things we talked about this time last year.

I guess I need to try and bring this together so that I actually make a point!
I admire you so so much for all the effort you have given your relationship and for your strength. I think you have come such a long way. And I truly believe, like you, that you should never give up on a relationship until you really have given it your very best.

But I do think you've given it your very best. There really is nothing more you can do.

He won't tell you he doesn't love you because he's not 100% sure if he can deal with losing you.

What he does know is that he can't deal with changing himself so that he can meet your needs and you can have an equal relationship.

So he's running away.

Or hoping his 'threat' of separation makes you back down, return to your hole, and in turn makes you do whatever it takes to keep him. Hey presto he gets the control back.

But where is the way forward from here? He's not meeting your needs. You realising that is a massive step forward. But you love him so much and don't want to face life as a single parent.
The difference now, is that you know you can face life as a single parent. And perhaps as you say, being alone for a little while would be better than living the way things are.

Question is, is he prepared to make some steps to change? He doesn't want to. But will the fear of losing you prompt him to take action?

Easy response is that if it doesn't, then he obviously doesn't love you enough, and you're better off without him. But I more than anyone else know that it's really not as simple as that is it.

I'm going round in circles now. I'll shut up
But we are here for you any time day or night. We really are.

You will get through this. Look how far you've come already
xxx

Hi contentiouscat - I think his family are just as shocked as me. Nobody can understand it.

Thank you so much for your e-mail - I really appreciate it. I will reply as soon as I get a sec I promise xx

Dior said it much better than me! And more succinctly too!!

Thank you Dior AND, you are absolutely right! The gel bra will still come in handy though

Baffy, phew! You are absolutely spot on. With everything, absolutely everything!

As I feel right now, I feel sad BUT, I also feel that maybe it is time to give up and go. Regardless of what he says he wants, I am thinking for myself exactly what you have said Baffy. I am not the wimp I was last year, I have 'grown' a heck of a lot, I actually believe in myself now, I believe I deserve to be loved and appreciated and I believe that I too deserve to have my needs met. I am thinking right now that 'love' has nothing to do with it. It's more about self respect.

I feel I have done everything I can to keep this relationship going, I have put in 100% effort, understanding and forgiveness but, apart from the odd cash handout when he has a 'win' I have had very little in return. I suppose I have just been happy that he has been happy. But of course he would be happy, what man wouldn't be, being taken care of so well, the house, the kids being taken care of and free to come and go as he pleases
Yep, we got to the 'happy(ish)' stage it has just never progressed. He hasn't seen the need to do any of the 'giving' himself.

BUT, (big but) having said all of that there is this little part of me that hopes he does as Dior predicts, comes to his senses and realises what he has to lose. It saves you walking out on 'love' doesn't it.

I'm not holding my breath though. we have been together for 9 years and it took my eight years to get to the stage we are at now! Plus, it's exhausting. It really is exhausting. Constantly living by the book (HW, you know what I mean by that) Sometimes, I just want to scream at him "what about me!" but if I did he would get in his car and disappear for the day so that would be a pointless exercise

Can you tell I'm thinking as I type, working my way through my thoughts I hate to say this, I really do, cos as you know i don't give in easily but, maybe it really is time to let it go.

Thanks guys xxx

By the way Dior, he is not threatening to leave me, he expects me and the kids to leave. We are not married and this is his house so, he won't even think of leaving.

And between you and me, he will not be forcing me out of this house! I will leave if thats what I want to do but, it will be in my own time! I will not be bullied anymore and he know's it.

And Baffy, it's funny you should mention my old thread. I had a re-read of it yesterday for the first time since I started it and, although my own attitude and behaviour has changed a lot, no, his hasn't. The main improvement has been his temper, He doesn't lose it and shout in my face anymore, he doesn't swear and be vile. He does a lot of the same but in a more charming way

Knowing it's time to let go, and wanting to let go are such very different things aren't they.

I think we're at a very similar stage TFM. Me letting H do what he's done to me, and continuing to 'let him get away with it', initially, was about unconditional love for the man I married. Wanting him with me no matter what.
I also think it takes a strong person to not only forgive, but also to acknowledge that nobody is perfect, and not to punish those we love for their faults/mistakes for the rest of their lives.

But there does come a point doesn't there, when you say this is no longer about love, it's about self respect. And if you don't respect yourself enough to make a stand against this behaviour, then how can you expect your partner to respect you either.

It's horrendously difficult and complicated isn't it.

I really have been at the stage where I've shouted 'what about me'?!!! I've been calm, collected, dignified, and he'll just say 'I don't know' or 'I worry about her' one too many times and I've lost it!
But as you say, the only response you get is 'sorry' or they run off and hide.
Either way it gets you no further on does it.

But really, that's because they don't take it in and they're not ready to change. If I had the man I love crying in front of me asking 'but what about me' - I'd be taking a bloody long hard look at the person I am and what I've done to cause someone so much pain.

These men just don't seem to 'get it' do they

But like we say. We can't change them. We can only change ourselves.
We can shape our own futures and we are in control of that. If they choose to be part of it with us then fantastic, if not, as much as it hurts like hell and we can't see it now, they will be the ones who lose out in the long run.

I haven't re-read it TFM since back when we posted on it. I find it really difficult to re-read those old threads. I couldn't even think of opening up one of the mylittlestar threads - too many feelings buried way too deep since then! I don't think I could face it.

You're stronger than me!

Yep baffy, you've got it! It's funny (well, not really funny) but you were the first person I thought of last night, I thought "I'm getting a taste of what Baffy is going through now"

It's blooming frustrating isn't it when you are trying to talk and all you get is the blank look. As if not talking about it, saying sorry or running away will solve it. I wouldn't care if I had ranted and raved like a fish wife but I didn't. I was all calm and together. I made it very easy for him to open up if thats what he wanted to do. He just chose not to.

It saves a lot of pain and further heartache if you can just put the ball back in their court. I am telling myself constantly that it is his decison, his choice and I cannot force him to do anything he does not want to do, I cannot change how he feels. It stops me from blaming myself, thinking it's something about me.

I am going to take a step back from it all now. Just leave him to come to terms with everything. I will admit though that I have already done a house search and if I find one, well.... I may well jump without being pushed. Or will I? I just wish I had that one extra ounce of strength to do it!!!