New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

Sometime's Baffy, I think I may be too strong. You have to be strong to put up with some of the stuff I have put up with.

The thing is, it's not that I hate/dislike/don't love him. I acknowledge that he has problems with emotional stuff BUT, i do know from experience that he is more capable of showing his emotions than he chooses to do now. I also think he has an addiction to gambling. He says not because he isn't destitute, he is in control of it not the other way round but, he cannot go a single weekend without gambling. In the summer it is also every evening. The horses come before everything. And I'm not talking a 50p round robin, I'm talking hundreds of pounds

I suppose you choose to live with such as the above because you do love them but, there comes a time when you have to put your own self first. Understanding and acknowledging no longer serves as a reason to stay. Especially when there is nothing coming back, apart from a tantrum when you dare to ask for something back! Arrggggh!

I understand 100% TFM. Everything you say.
If you find that extra ounce of strength, will you go halves with me?!

Shall I tell you something to make you smile...

H is off away abroad on holiday today. He stayed in a hotel last night as he was out in town, and was going to the airport from there this morning. I woke up at 7am, to 8 'missed calls' on my phone, number witheld.
I knew straight away it was OW.
Always have phone on silent at night anyway, and have bloked her mobile, so that's why she must have been calling from different phone.

I digress.
Was lying in bed thinking about my trip to London this weekend and had big panic, I need the sat nav, which is in H's flat, so I can find pc's house!! Texted him to see if anyone had spare keys. Long story short, they don't, so we decided I'd call to his hotel to get his keys, which is luckily 2 mins away from my work.

He looked bloody awful.

I casually asked if anything had been going on with OW. Knowing full well it had because of the missed calls.

He got in the car and said 'you won't believe it'... I bet I will!!

To paraphrase...

She got her job back by sleeping with the boss!! (No surprise there then.)

She was working last night.

A (quite famous) band were playing in the room upstairs.

OW went on the tour bus with the band after she'd finished work, and did a lap dance for the lead singer and then slept with him.

She then called H to make him jealous!!

She had no idea that this is a band me and H have seen LOADS of times. We absolutely love them.

It didn't make H jealous. Well it might have done. But not in a 'I'm sorry, I love you, I want you back' kinda way. He was absolutely livid. He FlIPPED!

He said he can't believe what a slapper she is. (He can't believe it )
I think he was well aware of that!!

That she's sick, as this guy is happily married!

He said, what is this guy on - he's 31 years old and has a wife.

She's only 20 and he's the lowest of the low using a young girl like that

He never wants to see her again.

To sum up...
He's sick and disgusted at the thought of her not only with this guy, but with this guy who H idolises!

I have one thing to say...

karma ??!!

I think you summed it up there:

"Understanding and acknowledging no longer serves as a reason to stay. Especially when there is nothing coming back"

Very true.

It really does sound like he has a serious problem with the gambling. Even more so as he fails to acknowledge it is a problem.

Tanee/ginnedup would be better than me with the advice on that I think.

Karma indeed! Oh that is soooo good! what a bloody plonker he has been!

I was going to ask you if, deep down inside and despite all of his faults and all that he has done, if you would take him back. But, I think I know the answer to that it would be very hard to say no and walk away wouldn't it. Maybe by then i will have found my extra ounce of strength and i promise you, I will share it

For me though, i'm finding it a little easier to handle because I keep repeating to myself that it's his choice, his decision and he is entitled to it, nothing I can do can change that. It does make it easier somehow.

The other thing that makes it easier is thinking of having my own place, my own money, my own room because it's my room not the spare room and a dd that is not constantly seeing the back of her daddy's head as he leaves for the races! If I am being tuly honest, and i know i ca be on here, i think i want to go. I think I have now placed more importance on me rather than on him. The thing thats making me feel bad is that I don't feel bad!

Oh baffy - I've just PMSL at her antics last night. What a dog .. how can he say those things to you in all seriousness? What did he expect you to do? Sympathise?
Goodness only knows what diseases he's caught from her, the little trollop.

TFM - I was so sorry to read your thread. i think the others have said exactly what I was thinking about the control and the fact that he's dug himself into a hole now that he's too proud to get out of.
Regarding the gambling, I'm afraid to say that even though he is not destitute and he is controlling it up to a point, the fact that he is putting that above his own family and will split up with you rather than change his ways shows that he is addicted.
All you can do is take a step back and let it run its course, pretty much like I'm doing with Dp. Its the hardest thing in the world when someone you love so much won't love you enough back to change / stop hurting you but sometimes it's not a case of won't but can't.
Whatever happens TFM you will be OK. You are so much stronger than you were a year ago and of course we are all here behind you whenever you need us.

I think deep down he knows the gambling is a problem Baffy, he just won't admit it. He never tells me the amount of money he bets but i did once find a betting slip in his trouser pocket, the horse had lost and he had bet £400 on it! this was just after he had wiped the floor with me and gone mental because we had just had a £300 gas bill, and his was the winter bill. This house is huge so that was reasonable i thought DD was newborn, he would rather the bookie have his money than his baby be warm.

He books his work holidays around his racing calendar rather than DD's school holidays. But, he doesn't think thats a problem

My head is spinning from reading everything i had to catch up on!

Im so .

Baffy i have to start with you. A lap dancer??? Omg what a trout! Shagging the boss and another guy too? It really doesnt have any morals i just hope it has condoms on it! As for your h wtf!! How many more friggin lies is he going to tell you? He thinks the famous guy is wrong because his a wife and she is only 20, but its ok for him to do it when he has a wife and child?? And yes what goes around comes around. Yay for karma!

Explain more about how rough his looking and what other things are totally out of character apart from obvious! Because it does sound like drugs could be in the mix here.

Macd how is lily? I hope she is doing much better i hope your all doing much better.

Lily - kevin spacey id have been with dribble running down my chin.

Pc you are sounding more and more "together" everytime i read your posts. at iphone to.

Ginnedup - dp will one day i hope realise that drink is not the answer i hope he realises before its too late.

Tanee same for your dp.

Cc hi dont know you unless you have another name?

Dior - 20 yrs WOW 6.5 yrs and counting is my best. Congratulations and all the best for the next 20 yrs!

Hw - hi

Lilyloo-hi

TFM- The others have said it all so well. From your posts it seems you have given your relationship your all. Please dont see it as giving up because you havent.Some men are just complete selfish twonks. My dad is one of them. My mum has waited on him hand and foot for 30 + years. Only been last year she has been working v hard even though she is 59, and she has her own money so is now very independant of my dad. And he hates it! And it shows in the way they treat each other. But they are both old enough to deal with it themselves just makes it awkward for us "kids".

Im that he would expect you and the kids to move out. Im sure legally he cant? But if you are willing to leave thats different. Me i wouldnt leave. But also whilst i was still there and he wanted to be apart id let him. Id also let him clean his own toilet, buy and cook his own food and wash/dry/iron his own clothes etc. But then again you are known to us for your compasion and dignity and im fully aware of what a complete ratbag i can be!!

The time its taken me to write this i bet there is another hundred posts i have to read through

Thank you GU

I know, you are so right. I also think the fact I am a lot stronger has helped me to see things more clearly. Before, he would tell me his gambling isn't a problem for him and it was me who had the problem with it. He told me i made too big a deal of it. Stupidly, i believed him, thats why I accepted it but, there was always this niggling little doubt at the back of my mind. All the evidence stacks up I'm afraid. You know, he even tries to justify it himself. He works in a good job and has a good salary (i presume, he has never divulged that either) but, whenever he is going racing it is always to win money to pay for such and such. At the moment it's the holiday we have got booked in August, he is gambling to win the money to pay for that I did say to him recentley that other people manage quite well to save for holidays and the likes without gambling. Then there's the payoff's as i call them. After he has dominated the Tv and laptop all weekend he gives me £20, he says it's my winnings, I call it his conscience money.

I'm not as daft as he thinks I am

lol sugar you had a lot to catch up on there didn't you!

re H looking rough - just his face has changed. no sparkle in his eyes, his cheeks are sunken in, pale as anything, and bags under his eyes. just not the same man at all.

when he told me all that this morning I just sat and listened as he ranted, then looked him in the eyes and said sorry you're going through all of this, it must hurt a lot.
He just hung his head and said yea I know, I'm truly sorry.

I bet he is!

TFM I think I understand exactly how you're feeling. even though it's not what you wanted and why you fought so hard, the thought of walking away, the total and utter relief of living your life, your way, is so appealing. Exhausting is an understatement. Living this way drains every ounce of strength you have doesn't it.

H is now away for 5 days. NM, although not with him, is still pestering in the background. But he's also away for 4 days. I can't tell you how 'light' I feel. Is that a strange way to describe it?
It's just that all I need to think about, all I can think about, is me and ds.
It's wonderful!

It sounds like you're in a really good place right now TFM. Hold onto those thoughts and feelings. It will no doubt be a bumpy ride. but I'm wondering if you're finding lots more positives to being alone than actually staying with him. That can only be a good thing for you.

We all say 'his loss' quite freely.
It's hard actually believing that though.
But it sounds like you do. And that is the best place you could be at right now

Your loyalty is with yourself. And you don't feel bad for realising that.
Sounds perfect to me!

Funny you should say that Sugar

He first told me he wanted me out last wednesday. he was very cold and unemotional. I told him, very calmly that if thats how he felt then its time he started to look after himself. i told him I was prepared to continue cooking his meals as he paid me housekeeping but as for cleaning up after him, washing and ironing etc, then it was all down to him. He said nothing, I don't think he believed me. He believed me last night when he came homw though and saw his wash basket overflowing, no shirts in his wardrobe or pants in his drawer. i shouldn't smirk but it was great to see him really very cross but trying hard not to be. He told me not to bother cooking, cleaning or doing anything else for him, in a toddler sort of way. I just said "okay, if thats what you want, as long as you aren't going to be angry at me for not doing it" He stropped "no, its fine" So thats just what I'm going to do. It does feel childish and petty on my part though but the rebellious part of me thinks why the hell should I continue to make his life comfortable, take care of all of his needs when he can toss me to one side just like that. I've told myself that i would be a mug to carry on 'serving' him. Plus, he would have no reason to change his behaviour as he would still be getting rewarded for his diabolical behaviour.
He really is a prize slob and he really does expect me to do everything. It will do him good to get have to take care of his own needs.

As for the house, i don't think I do have any rights because we aren;t married but the ideal solution would be for him to leave and me stay here. i would love it if he came home and packed a bag tonight just to give me some breathing space. I'm trying not to think that things can;t be that bad for him if he isn't prepared to go, even if it's only until I have found somewhere.

TBH, I have this underlying feeling that he is calling my bluff and not really expecting me to leave, like Baffy says, he is exercising control. trouble is, the thought of leaving is becoming more and more appealing to me by the minute! xx

Baffy just from that id say he is definately on drugs and i would say im 99% certain which one. Have seen it all before unfortunately. And id laso hazard a guess it would be madam that introduced him to it all.

Spot on again Baffy! I know exactly what you mean at feeling 'light'. Do you remember all the 'trouble' I had with him last year and he packed a bag and disappeared for 2 days? Although it was a horrible time it was so lovely not to have him there. i felt that 'lightness' you describe. i felt younger and more alive too but it felt totally wrong to feel like that because the circumstances surrounding it were so horrible.

I am exhausted Baffy. I'm exhausted from everything, from being tolerant, understanding, forgiving, accepting, the list goes on!

I just feel like accepting myself now, my own feelings, my own wants and needs xx

sugar which one do you think?
it wouldn't surprise me tbh

wrt to diseases ginnedup, OW doesn't 'do' condoms... she's allergic to latex
and apparently has never made it as far as the shops to see that there are latex free ones out there!
it's ok though, 'she's on the pill'...

Oh TFM I wish I could just give you a massive big hug

Here's a vitual one instead

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Bloody good for you leaving him to fend for himself. You should be so proud of yourself for being able to take your own advice. You always say about not 'rewarding' the bad behaviour, and if you don't change, then they have no reason to change. And you're spot on. Not petty at all. I think you're doing exactly the right thing xxxxxxxx

p.s. of course things aren't that bad for him. He has a priviledged life and the best wife anyone could ask for. And he bloody well knows that.

It really does boil down to the fact that he doesn't want, or isn't able, to meet your needs in return IMHO.

I do understand tfm as my parents are going through exactly the same thing. Mum is looking at rentng a place on her own and dad is like " good go i can't wait to be on my own and have some peace" Dad is also registered disabled and uses it to full advantage to get mum to do everything. He can walk although it causes him great pain. But he will get up and make him self a cup of tea whilst mum is sat in the lounge with him. but he wont offer her one.Yet god forbid she done that he'd go through the roof.

Even as a child id watch her cook dinner serve everyone sit down to enjoy her food then half way through he'd be like im thirsty get me a drink, and she would!! From a very young age i vowed i would never be my mum.

I hate mess and i love my house clean and tidy but if dh's clothes hit the floor they sat on the floor. Even my baby girl puts her rubbish in the bin and loads the washing machine with me. So if a 21 month old can a grown man can!!

Sorry went of fthe rails there.

Been to long not typing here im running away with myself!

Good for you though for standing up to him. He sounds a little like a bully and bully's need to be stood up to. But men never grow up and like kids they try and push their luck every now and then just to see how much they can get away with.

With ref to your posts a year ago you came across and funny and loving and warm but very fragile.And i think its fair to say we were all worried about you. But now your still funny loving and warm but more whole. You maybe sad and maybe putting on a "face" just a little for us but you do sound so much more together.

Everyone has come so far in a year. Although not completely past all the sadness still a hell of a long way from the heartbreaking sad that was all of us a year ago. And i think we should all toast to that on sunday!

Thank you Baffy

I really needed that! I am taking my own advice but I am also fighting with the 'old me' who was rather more subservient. it does feel as though I'm going against the grain. Plus, there is also the fact that he isn't happy about it and, although I am still wary of his temper there is something inside me that is making me stick to my guns. Temper or no temper, I cannot allow him to walk all over me, dictate what is going to happen and not suffer any consequences for it. He really is going to learn a hard lesson this time, no matter how uncomfortable it gets for me.

Just wait til he comes to iron his shirts I stopped asking him a long time ago to unbutton them to take them off, instead he pulls them over his head still buttoned up so, before they go in the washer I have to turn them all the right way and unbutton them. He has washed them all fully buttoned and inside out. i think I may go for a walk when I see him get the iron out at least he will get a taste of what I have to do.
Also, I think he will be less inclined to take a shirt out his wardrobe, wear it for an hour then throw it on the floor when he has to wash and iron them all!

You brought a tear to my eye then Sugar, thnk you. I promise you though, I am not putting on a face for you. As soon as i could last night I posted because I knew the Teabags would know where I'm coming from and they would understand. I should have posted sooner but to be honest, I was waiting for it to pass. The trouble is, I began not wanting it to pass. I wanted him to go ahead and find me a house. I think if I hadn't stopped doing his washing we would have just slipped back into more of the same. I think it was me not having done his washing that was the crux of things for him last night. says it all really doesn't it.

I hope your mum manages to find somwhere Sugar. I can relate to her. DP has only started making me a drink in this last year. Isn't it daft how such little things have you thinking that everything is alright, that things have improved. How stupid to think that him making me a cuppa equals love

baffy i would say cocaine. did a lot of reaearch when dh was on it. I didnt know at the time but he was same as h sunken cheeks lost weight no sparkle and a compulsive bloody liar to boot!

He explained it after that he was ashamed of me knowing. I was too good for all of that but that the gt wasnt. which made sense and she was a vile creature

Which could stand the same in h's situation. That thing would accept anything. God makes me shudder to think someone like her could be so low.

Maybe next time you see him say" So exactly how long have you been doing drugs? " See what his reaction his and if he denies it say dont lie the creature has told me all about it. Im sure you could then tell by his reaction whether its true or not. But it would explain a lot of his actions re the head butting. Its not excusibg any of his behaviour just saying it explains some points.

No wonder disease is so rife with trogs like the creature around. how many more unsuspecting wive's are out there yet to be hit with the itchy scratchy because of that thing.

lol at you two

the 'itchy scratchy' and the unbuttoned shirts washed inside out! that's keeping a little smile on my face while I wade through this VAT manual!!

btw sugar I will look into the drug thing. that's really interesting to know.

luckily I don't have to face the selfish twonk for at least 5 days now though so his dad can worry about him for a while instead of me

Hey, and if GW is on the cocaine thats another one of us with a P/H with an addiction! Are you beginning to see a pattern here? i think the next self help book we all need to read is one on understanding codependency!

Well i never make a cup of tea buts that because i dont drink the stuff and it would probably taste like toilet water if i tried!

Sorry tfm didnt mean to make you sad.

I could tell you so many stories of my dad and his behaviour butr simple fact is he is abully. Even now he treats/makes me feel like a child again.

For my understanding of how my mum is. My dad had a few affairs that my mum told me about, And although she "forgave" him and they stayed together. I really dont think she did forgive i think it was more about safety and not being alone. She depended on him. But now she doesnt i think its payback time.

I love the fact that despite why we all "met" we have and as you put it tfm there is always a teabag around!

TBH Baffy, I have wondered if GW is on drugs too. She may be the one supplying him and that may be why he finds it so hard to get away from him, thats how she keeps him coming back for more.

Hey, maybe I should become a bookie!!

I love that too Sugar it's nice to feel not alone xx

Dp is a bully Sugar, I have learned how to behave to avoid seeing that side of him I suppose. i saw it last night though. But, rather than just conform or cry, as i would have done last year, I asked to please stop being a bully and talk to me as an adult, I pointed out that he was likely to get a better response from me if he spoke to me like a human being. I must say, it did dtop him in his tracks and it did work. i managed to refrain from telling him to uncross his arms, i thought that might be pushing my luck a bit