Thats a lovely post Dior, and so true.
Thank you HW, i have certainly done a lot of thinking recently. Deep thinking I think I have realised that even though I managed to improve things to a certain extent, my focus was still on DP, changing my behaviour rather than expecting him to change but still centering things around him, if that makes sense. I have still been working for his love and approval. I was so wrapped up in making things here work, making a success of the relationship that once again I forgot about me. It was still all about him. (i think you metioned that today Baffy, maybe it's you who planted the seed ) Your last post has just struck a chord with me Dior. I have mentioned a few times to DP that I would like a job, just a part time job but he has always blocked it. He has made it clear that I cannot rely on him for support with childcare etc. Then I start thinking about DD and, because of his lack of input I feel totally responsible for her, for her well being and her happiness, I think of her in childcare after school and once again I talk myself out of it. Yes, I do believe I would feel guilty having to send DD to after school club but, I think having a job, my own money and like you say Dior, friends and aquaintances, would do me the world of good and in turn DD would benefit from that, wouldn't she?
HW how do you manage childcare while you work? What about you Dior, do you work all of school hours so don't need childcare? Did either of you find it hard going back to work, did you feel guilty about DC's?
Anyway ladies, this evening I have been thinking that my next step should be to find myself a part time job. Then I can save some money and i can find myself a house without having to rely on Dp at all. I will be totally independent of him and he will have no hold over me. My confidence is rather low at the moment so I am as nervous as heck just thinking about it but, I want to be back up there again. I want to be in the same place I was when I got divorced all those years ago. That was the best time of my life.
So, I have decided, yes, decided, that even if DP does soften, start being nice and indicate that he has changed his mind (he won't actually say he has, he will just expect me to put two and two together by the way he is behaving) I am still going to leave. Yes, I love him, don't ask me why because he doesn't give me much to love, I care about him and, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him but, I want to be happy, really happy and i don't think I will be able to achieve that here. I think I owe it to myself to at least give it a go. No more burying my head in the sand, no more foregoing what I want and need. I'm not looking for some idylic life, I'm just wanting some inner peace, total inner peace, not compromised. Now i feel guilty for even saying all that, for even thinking of leaving should he start being nice again! i try so hard not to do guilt! Baffy talk some sense into me please!