We don’t talk anymore - am I the only lonely?

[Allezallezallez2023]

No one talks anymore

I WFH full time. (No scope to change this in the short term for complex reasons). Occasional Teams / email messages but that’s all. No friendly chats.
I no longer have work friends or work banter.

Real life friends never phone anymore. My phone calls go unanswered. Most of my friends are no longer chatty on WhatsApp - just occasional brief messages. Another friend told me “no one chats on the phone these days, it’s old fashioned”

No one wants to meet for dinner / coffee etc.

I’m in a couple of hobby groups (so please don’t suggest joining a club as I already did that), and quite frankly they keep me sane, but sadly a lot of recent meet ups have been cancelled due to Xmas / rubbish wet weather. I also don’t feel like I’ve made friends yet, more acquaintances still.

My mum is fab, she’s the only person I speak to regularly.

I have DH & Dc, but DH works long hours and isn’t a chit chat type, and DC is only 4.

I rely on social media too much, and actually got a bit upset a couple of times recently when I realised social media connections who I exchange a bit of banter with aren’t my real friends. (Long story, but that’s the gist)

Is this life in 2022? Or just me?

@crazeecatladee I got to the point where I realised my most meaningful dialogue was with a couple of people I interacted with on social media (we have a hobby in common).

Then I started getting upset when they only “liked” my posts if they were related to the hobby, they never “liked” posts about my personal achievements. Because they aren’t real friends after all, and aren’t interested in me, just the hobby. It’s very sad I know, but that’s the state of my friendships / social life 😢

I work from home four days a week, I love my one day in the office as I actually see people. It can be very lonely and I live on my own too. I can go days without speaking to anyone.

But I agree since covid people seem to be quite reclusive and getting anyone out is a struggle.

I definitely think covid has a lot to do with it. I have two friends from my uni days who I've known for years and used to meet up every year for a huge social gathering, but I haven't seen them since before March 2020 and they show little interest in arranging anything now.

I wonder if people's mental health being affected by covid is also a factor and people feel more anxious/less motivated to connect with others in person or even on the phone. Factors like the current cost of living crisis may be having an impact mentally as well as financially too.

Yes I wonder about cost of living & people being anxious about spending (or simply can’t afford to).

I’m quite fortunate in that regard. Although I’m not throwing money around, I don’t struggle to go out for a coffee. I’m also very happy to go for a walk & take a flask of coffee so definitely don’t need to spend money to socialise.

I think it takes effort to maintain friendships, it’s so easy to forget. Sometimes I make plans to get together weeks in advance as everyone is so busy with work/childcare etc. You say you have a 4yo- surely this is your chance to find some mum friends? At this age play dates always involve the parents so it’s the perfect way to get to know someone. Can you invite one of your DC’s friends over for a play date and ask the mum to stay for a coffee?

As far as I can figure, the only place that people definitely go out to is Slimming World. Sure some are just there for a coffee and a chat. Might that be an option?
I do make myself go to that (need to anyway!) and also to my weekly choir as I wfh 4 days a week and for all I think I don't need any interaction, actually I do, I feel loads better having spoken to other people.
Also 13 of us meet up once a month due to a hobby we share; we used to meet at Wetherspoons but started meeting at one lady's garden in lockdown and it's much nicer so we never did go back to Wetherspoons.
I have made a resolution this year to try and meet up with friends more, let's see what happens and good luck to you!

This is precisely why I would never want to WFH. I enjoy the interaction I have with work colleagues and clients (well, most of them 😜)

I live on my own. I have no one who is going to arrive back from work later in the day get who I can interact with. Yes, I have friends, but people are busy with their own lives, and weeks can pass without seeing them.

I came from the generation that existed before the mobile phone, and everyone had a home PC. There was no email or texting. You met up at least once a week, face to face, with your friends.

Maybe I am just getting old, but I miss 'the old days when life seemed simpler, and people were more sociable.

@Allezallezallez2023 I used to feel really down about this as I'm a friendly sociable person and we have moved a lot too. These days I just make the most of the few friends I do have and enjoy chats in other places like mumsnet! It is sad, I think covid changed many things , some for the better, other aspects not so much so, I think many people became almost agrophobic and a lot of people developed a sense of 'can't be arsed' - it really isn't you- my 24 year old says exactly the same-- really shitty weather and dark nights doesn't help either

@Allezallezallez2023 I think there are so many on here who would love a meet up- they should set mumsnet local meets up!! I once thought about setting up a meet up group without a purpose at all!! Just one to get people out and chatting!!

I remember at 24 there being plans all the time. Not that I went to most of the things but someone was always organising something. For your 24 year old has that dwindled since covid or was it like that before out of curiosity?

@JamSandle I was the same at 24, always something happening & had a lot of friends I could pop to the pub with.
Everyone went for Friday night drinks after work. Regular weekend trips to see old school friends in other cities. Plus dating.

Now my 26 year old neighbour who is dating tells me no one meets people in real life anymore - apparently the only place to meet potential partners is online. Very sad.

I should add that said neighbour is gorgeous, chatty, intelligent, great career, but literally struggling to meet men, bonkers!!

I remember at 24 it was local drinks on a Thursday night, then out clubbing in London on a Friday, then back to a friends house (usually in London) to chill/sleep/eat/shower, then doing it all over again on the Saturday, then getting home for about 6pm on Sunday night.

Now at 45, I spent my Friday night sat on the sofa watching The Apprentice, up at 6am Saturday and in the gym by 6.10am.

I feel absolutely the same and I constantly express my frustration with wfh, but I am in the minority so just have to suck it up. I am convinced that we'll see the negative effects of this isolation in the years to come.

I work for myself and have a studio outside my home, I've stopped going and started wfh because the studios are empty, no point driving in with the cost of living as well. All of the community that once existed there is dead. Ill probably shut the studio down and do my attic up, relocate everything there. Its very sad. I found myself very depressed a couple of weeks back, I have a dp (but dont live together), a dc, and a couple of good friends I see every couple of weeks but I am extremely extrovert, love people and places and this is as isolated as I've ever been.

Oh you are so not alone. I wish I could be more like my DH. He is an introvert and doesn't need friends. Sadly, I do.

I think people chat on the phone less yes absolutely. I moved 250 miles away 20 odd years ago and in the early years I’d spend hours on the phone to my old school friends. We are still close, mid to late 40’s now but they are a bit behind me in their children are younger so whilst I’ve got more time on my hands they don’t. So it’s occasional messages though my best friend will phone maybe once every 6-8wks and we talk for 2hrs plus. We do see each other face to face every couple of months too, same with another friend.

all my local friends are via work. Not all current colleagues but I meet up with lots of ex colleagues. I’ve met 3 lots this week. I am very good at staying in touch, via message mainly and arranging meals, but so are these people hence we meet quite regularly. Other local friends are via my dog. I never expected to make close friends from dog ownership but have.

Can you ask the new hobby people if they fancy a quick drink / coffee after the class? I think try being more proactive. Maybe look up some old friends, message them and say something reminded you of them the other day and you wanted to say hi and if they ever fancy a coffee let you know. Any local groups you could join that lead to meet ups? good luck. I know I’d find wfh permanently really difficult as I struggled during covid

I take it you own it? Could you try re-advertising it as a space to meet new friends / not be lonely wfh? I expect some people would love that, but with cost of living it’s difficult to afford it I guess

@Zanatdy No its leased as part of a complex of working studios in a building. I was trying to find somewhere nearer to home/more community but cheap work studios are like gold dust.

Your work needs to do more.My team has timetabled online meet ups you can drop into which are just social chitchat. That’s really helped new people who have joined since covid. The office is avail but a ghost town. We have a few physical social meet-ups a year where my team go out for lunch and then we head on to pub for those who want and other colleagues join us. We have a work walking group which manages to fit in the odd hike on a weekend. I also meet up with old friends for weekends away. having something like that to look forward to really helps I think. You will meet people through your dc if they are at nursery or when start school just through the sheer number of soft play parties you are forced to sit through or play dates. Do nursery age kids not have play dates or kids parties anymore? If your dc is at nursery find out who they play with the most and invite them and their parent over or to park / for walk etc. Does your work do a staff survey? Staff reps? We have a well-being agenda that would have been unthinkable 5 years ago but if work want happy, productive employees who feel part of a team and loyal to the organisation they need to do more than just provide an office building these days. We also have work social networks you can join eg we have a menopause one and a carers one which have led to changes in work practices as well as being ‘support groups’. I’m sure some of the senior managers never thought this is what they would be doing but they’ve recognised people aren’t going to come back to the office and they have to keep colleagues feeling connected and support their mental health in a way they didn’t before covid and mass wfh.

My team has timetabled online meet ups you can drop into which are just social chitchat

God I would hate that if I were in need if human interaction.

Bit random but could you get a shift behind the bar in a local pub? Agree entirely that this is how it is these days. Mobile phones and social media have made us lazy, we feel semi connected through them so don't go the extra mile. But tech isn't a good replacement for in person contact if that's all you're getting. That said, modern working life and parenting is full on...we're all too knackered to engage I think. Sorry no real answers but empathy here too as I thought it was just me x

I live on my own as children flown the nest. I see one person for breakfast once a week. I message another friend every few days. Parents dead. No real contact with brother anymore. Boyfriend and I fizzled out during lockdown. Yes I’m lonely. I normally only speak to the cat. Work colleagues are just that.

I know a young couple who got engaged last year and met in real life because they both had part time work at the local McDonalds - apparently McDonalds have a really good social life for their youngsters with lots of activities. Just to prove meeting people is not completely limited to online!

SAME OP. I live on my own and partner and all of my friends live 150 miles away. Because of Covid i WFH full time and am the only person in the UK now working for this company. Sometimes it feels like i'm still in lockdown. I try really hard to remain busy and positive but sometimes (ie right now, sat night etc) if feel the silence and isolation creeping round me like a snake, it's awful. I would just love for someone to come round and stay at mine for a few hours but i have zero friends here. I go weeks where i only speak to my parents in real life, it's a shocker of a situation. I feel oyu pain.

also, do you notice the days just fly by and bleed into each other? I feel like i barely achieve anything each day and before i blink the day is gone. So weird.