Estrangement from adult child

[DesperateParent]

I am trying to find some advice to help me with a really heartbreaking situation that has completely destroyed my family.

My darling DD1, who is at university, has decided to cut off all contact with me and her dad. This came pretty much out of the blue - one day we were exchanging jokey WhatsApp messages as normal, the next I got an odd message that I didn't really know how to respond to so I kept it light, then silence for a bit, then a nasty but vague email in weird formal language basically accusing us of abusing her throughout her childhood. She won't enter into any discussions, says she has seen a counsellor at university and doesn't consider us her parents any more.

We are totally devastated and have no idea what brought this on. Her email was vague, but nothing specific she says is true. We also find it hard to believe a counsellor would encourage her to cut herself off without knowing any background, but maybe that's what they do?

This all happened a year ago, soon after we took her back to university after the Christmas break, and I've been barely functioning since. When we left her at her accommodation, she was completely normal - laughing at me trying not to cry as I left her there, as usual. I contacted someone at the university whose name I remember being mentioned when she started who said he couldn't even confirm or deny to me that she was a student, but that he would always check on a student if a parent were concerned - hypothetically, of course. He was actually very nice while not being able to really tell me anything, but made it clear he would only be able to help if the student asked for help. We were hoping she would eventually recover from whatever she was going through and would get back in touch, but I got another nasty email the other day demanding that I stop sending her money. I presume she has managed to declare herself as independent as far as the student loans people are concerned and has told them she has no contact with us - would they just believe her without checking? We have been sending money monthly since she started.

She tells me in this email that if I reply she will block me - she 'requires' me to just stop the money as she demands. I don't know what to do - in a way she has given me an incentive to write back, as it makes no difference as either way I can't write again. She has already blocked me on WhatsApp and I don't know where she is living. Whatever she says or does, I don't want to stop supporting her as I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought ahead to the fact that she loses all financial support the minute she leaves university. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any hope I will see my daughter again? Our whole family is in a complete mess because of this. DD1 will speak to her little sister and her cousin, but DD2 feels like she is walking on eggshells trying not to bring up important subjects, and I feel bad about her having to deal with this at the age of 16.

DD1 has a background of mental health issues (particularly in 6th form) and has always struggled to make friends and interact with other people. She is very unlikely to ask anyone for help and I don't know what prompted her to see the university counsellor. I seem to have spent 20 years trying to hold her together and fight off the bullies on her behalf - she seemed so well for the first year and a half at university, then this sudden change.

Sorry this is so rambling, I don't know where to turn.

counsellors are also human. Some of them may not act in your interest.

I would hire a private investigator. She could be badly influenced or be involved in a cult.

Don't waste time.

We didn't rush to visit her in person when this happened because she said she would call the police if we did

I don't understand this. You said things were normal and then out of the blue she sent a weird text, and then a little while later an email, where she told you not to contact her or she would call the police? Am I understanding that correctly?

If I had done that with my parents while in uni (or during postgrad studies abroad) my parents would have been on the phone to me and straight to the uni or on a flight to make sure I was ok and that nothing serious was going on. My mother would run through a brick wall to make sure I was ok if I had done anything so extreme "out of the blue". If my child sent me an email like that I would do similarly, especially if they had a history of mental health issues, because wtf. Hell, if a friend of mine suddenly sent me a message like that I would be going round to make sure they were ok before just washing my hands of them.

You're getting a hard time here OP, because a lot of what you've said is really suspicious. I hope you're taking some time to reflect on what posters have said here, because it does sound like you have a good bit of self reflection to do. I would also advise what PP have said, to follow her wishes. I can't believe you haven't seen her in over a year, but seeing as you haven't then you should respect her wishes now, as something is clearly amiss.

Nicely put, @StalkedByASpider. Although we should probably "challenge your narrative" because you are clearly being stalked by @Spidey66!

Per @marvellousmaple , many of my peers at uni had psychotic breaks like this. It would be really interesting for someone to do a study on how common it is. The combination of naivety, new independence and external pressures makes it an extremely high-risk stage of life.

Bit late now though isn't it, OP let this go on for a year, she hasn't heard her daughter's voice since she got a random email saying "don't contact me or I'll call the police", which I'd imagine, to most parents, would be extraordinarily alarming and a strong signal to check on their child, rather than just being like "hey ho, she said we aren't her parents, this seems totally normal. Im just feeling really sad and guilty that she isn't taking money from us and is instead increasing burdens on students in hardship, that's so much at the forefront of my mind that that's what I think about, a year on from having last heard from her, that she's being selfish towards those students"

Trust me, me and my mum listened to her at the time. My mum was very upset at the time that my sister saw her family as dysfunctional. But she's an important part of our family and of course we want her to be happy. When we asked her what she meant by the family being dysfunctional, she was talking of Nanny and Grandad being abusive to their children and this causing distress to my father's generation. This did have wide reaching impacts on many of my aunts and uncles, and I acknowledge there was problems with severe depression in an aunt, and as I mentioned an uncle was a child abuser-my father went NC with him as a result.

However, during the conversation, my sister acknowledged that her own childhood was not like this, and that my dad did appear to be strong enough and perhaps more tuned into his psyche enough to do his best to overcome it. Yes as I mentioned early on we did get slapped a couple of times, which sounds terrible but at the time was common, but he was able to rise above this take on more effective strategies to deal with children.

Hi OP, my eldest son has accused us of physically abusing him as a child. In particular smashing his head into walls and cupboards. He is an intelligent young man and he has told a number of other people that we have abused him. We absolutely did not. However, he appears to believe these things actually happened. I have challenged him noting we have no memory of this and neither does his brother (two years younger) and also that some of the dates and times do not make sense. It is difficult though and clearly we all will see things differently.

This position is really distressing and all I can do is give it time. I have tried to understand his perspective but equally whilst I can say I understand he feels things differently I cannot endorse things which are simply not true. I have no idea where this goes from here.

Agreed. And seemingly the dogged, bullying pile on is from posters who say they are NC with their own entire family. Seeing how they interact with strangers on the internet, would it be astray to suspect this kind of personality also creates constant conflict in their personal lives?

Early on we did get slapped a couple of times, which sounds terrible

So your sister is in fact right, the trauma did leak through and of course this affected her if she was slapped repeatedly as young child. It is shocking being assaulted by someone that is supposed to love and protect you. Can you really expect her to erase that early part of her childhood just because he didn't continue to hit her?
Spidey, I am sorry but the more you post the worse this gets. Your sister has called out early experiences of violence in her childhood, and she has been told she is wrong by you and everyone else, and the family is 'fine' and her childhood was perfect when clearly it wasn't. It is gas lighting to deny the violence and say it was okay because it stopped at some point. It still happened, it was still dysfunctional and it clearly has made an impact. It is never ever okay to hit small children, and it leaves lasting damage to most children when they experience it.

If your father was able to 'rise' above it, this does not make him a superhero it just means he wasn't a permanent and consistent abuser.

Have you ever had therapy yourself?

My mother was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood and physically abusive to my sibling enabled by my father but in her mind nothing ever happened and everything was perfect, completely ignoring the fact that both ended up with eating problems so people can all have different memories of the same thing

She was NOT slapped repeatedly. In fact, as she's younger than me and this was stopped when I was very young (I only have very vague memories of it as I was so young) she was slapped much less than me. Again, you're twisting my words. We were slapped a couple of times, before my parents, in particular my dad, made a conscious decision not to do so and to change their parenting style. This was at a time (50+ years ago) when slapping your child was seen as an appropriate way of disciplining your child. In fact, we were slapped far less than others of the same generation, because the decision as made not to do it. I'm not saying it was right at all. Obviously by today's standards it was very, very wrong. But back then I think even Dr Spock recommended it.

There was lots of things that happened back then that we wouldn't do now because it's well known it was dangerous to children. Does that fact that back in the 70s my dad also smoked in the house, and that seatbelts were not used in the car, more evidence for you of my dysfunctional upbringing?

And no aside from a short course of CBT I have not had any therapy, but thanks for asking.

And BTW, she did not ''call out on repeated acts of violence.'' She's never even mentioned it. She may not even remember it. It was me that brought it up. So you can go swivel on that.

I don't even know if she was hit. As I said, it stopped when we (myself and my two older brothers) were very young to the point I only have very vague memories of it. She's never even mentioned it, and certainly didn't when the conversation with our mum happened.

''Much'' less than me? I don't know why I said that and know I'm going to be pulled up on it. In fact I can only remember being slapped twice, so for her to be slapped ''much'' less just goes to show, really!

Spidey, please, read your own posts. What you are saying is dysfunctional. It might not sit well with you - but as someone listening to this objectively, I can assure you it was. Good on your Dad for doing his best to fight his demons, and all credit to him for controlling himself when he did, but that does not take away what happened in the early years. It should not be minimised by the old chestnut, well everyone was hit and we survived. Many have not thrived or even survived is the truth. Childhood violence is insidious.

You are saying there was violence, your sister may not have expressly said that this as behind her claims the family were dysfunctional, many people feel a sense of dysfunction but can not put it into words initially but no doubt this would have contributed.

Your parents, particularly your father could not bear for you to have the same life as him, and it sounds to me like he tried very hard to overcome his own abuse, but over the years this has become very rigid.
'Everything is fine', leaving no space for someone in the family not to be fine lest they break your mother's heart.

It is very hard to hear we haven't completely succeeded in sheltering our children from pain and trauma, but I feel your sister needs to be acknowledged, it seems to me that she has been silenced so much so she has caved and agreed 'all is fine' when it clearly wasn't and lost her own truth and version of events, and that is unfair and unhealthy for her to live with.

@Swissmountains
No offence but you kinda need to chill out. 4 out of 5 of us got the odd smack as children, and I highly doubt that most of the 80%+ of us are suffering "lasting damage" from it. I find it kind of offensive for you to be implying that getting the odd slap on the backside as a child was as traumatising by being beaten by a parent with a belt or a wire hanger or any other more violent physical abuse (which an awful lot of children did get, btw), which is where it feels like you're going with what you're posting. I'm very glad that most people now realise that it's not ok to ever hit a child, but banging on about how someone's sister (who herself says that she was not abused) must be deeply traumatised because she got a couple of slaps back in the 70s is tiresome, weird, and is completely detailing the thread.

Swiss your early contributions were really insightful and empathetic, but now your just coming across as trying to push your own agenda, are you incapable of reading what spidey has written without completely twisting her words and adding your own narrative to it?

She knows her own family better than you, so I would suggest you stop acting as if you are the only one who knows how the sister felt.

And it is this kind of minimising that sees the continuation of abuse in families. Right there in your post.
I don't believe Spidy outlined how she was abused, and where the slaps were and how they were executed (with anger for instance) but what I will say is this can and does damage children, and I work with them every day.

You can 'chill' about childhood abuse if you want to, there is a good reason why record numbers of middle aged people self medicate, need therapy, are on anti depressants and the explosion in mental health issues - and I will give you a clue it is not because of calm and considered parenting in the 70s!

Mostly the people on here that are apologists for violence against children, are usually the same parents that smack their own children and are invested in minimising themselves for their own benefit.

Hitting children is now illegal for good reason, and it isn't because it was such a good strategy to discipline a child!!!!

The sister has been silenced into agreeing with Spidey and her world view of their childhood, anyone that doesn't think that is disturbing probably needs to imagine what that feels like as a person to have your feelings diminished and dismissed.

Op, I'm not sure if your still here and I don't blame you if your not with the amount of projection on this thread, but on the off chance you do read this, I'm sorry for all of you.
It would appear that you have a different recollection of your daughters upbringing, no one here knows whose version of events are closest to the truth, I would really advise looking closely at your own behaviour to determine if there is any truth behind what your DD is saying, and recognise that just because you might not view something as a big deal doesn't mean it's not a big deal to her.

Maybe she will come back in time, I think I would drop her a final note, telling her you love her, your always there for her and your willing to listen to what she has to say and want to work to put things right whenever she wants to talk, don't try to justify things or say you don't understand why she has done this, that's telling her you've not listened to her. You leave the ball in her court but you've shown your not shutting down her feelings and that your open to communication to resolve this.

Good luck Spidey I don't think I should add anything else.

Op, I hope you are given the opportunity to listen to your child's feelings in time, and there is a way forward for both of you - all the best.

The sister has been silenced into agreeing with Spidey and her world view of their childhood, anyone that doesn't think that is disturbing probably needs to imagine what that feels like as a person to have your feelings diminished and dismissed.

But that is entirely your interpretation, unless you are the sister you have no idea if this is true or not, your just weirdly insistent on pushing your own narrative, and tbh it renders your previous (helpful) posts as, worthless as you're now showing you have a clear agenda.

Nope, no agenda, what could it possibly be?! I have no idea who she is.

I have listened to spidey all the way through for days and said nothing, and it is obvious to many pp on this thread that her sister gave up trying to talk about her childhood, and agreed with spidey in the end - the all is fine in our family mantra (despite there being clear memories of the children being hit)

I don't agree with Spidey and thats okay, she clearly doesn't agree with some of us either. It is up to her how she feels, and what she does.

What a fantastic link. Thank you for that.

Hitting children is now illegal for good reason

It' not illegal, though; take a look at this recent YouGov survey.

A 2021 UK meta-analysis of 20 years of data found that 83% of adults were physically punished as children - usually smacking or spanking (93%).

As to public opinion about whether it should be made illegal:
"Nearly 49% think the current law, that allows parents to carry out 'reasonable chastisement' that does not leave bruises or cuts, should remain while 36% think it should be illegal."

The 49% in favour of keeping it legal is down from August 2019, when 64% of those surveyed felt it should remain legal.

Although the ideal is some kind of calm and insightful explanation that the child can grasp, this can be difficult, parents are not perfect, and personally I'd rather have a slap than a headfuck any day.

The sister has been silenced into agreeing with Spidey and her world view of their childhood, anyone that doesn't think that is disturbing probably needs to imagine what that feels like as a person to have your feelings diminished and dismissed.

This is wrong and is actually insulting. You don't know me, you don' know her, you don't know my family. She was not silenced. She said it once, and we encouraged her to speak about it, which she did and it was clarified.

Knowing my sister, if things had been that difficult, she would have continued saying it and would likely have requested therapy, none of which have happened. If either of the two of us were to be ''silenced into agreeing'' with the other, it would have been the other way round....she's always been much more confident and forthright than me.

Please stop trying to twist things and make me rewrite history. You're creating problems that don't exist, and it's actually upsetting.