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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this new behaviour all about!?!

170 replies

subtleartofnotgivingafuck · 10/01/2023 13:14

Married 20 years. No major issues and no health issues. Good life, we share chores and tasks equally - happy household normally.

However, I have noticed over the last few months he has developed this insanely annoying habit or not contradicting me, but sort of correcting me. All the damn time. Now the below is going to sound petty because its only one or two – but trust me EVERYTHING I currently say gets a form of correction, adjustment or a clarification added and it getting really old. Some examples

Me: We have four black and white cats Him: Well, three. Cat 4 has a small grey patch.

Me: It rained yesterday Him: Except at 12 o’clock when the sun came out for a bit

Me: The PIL are coming up from Devon on Wednesday? Him: East Devon, midweek

Seems like nothing right? harmless..................... but he is doing all the time! Everything I say he manages to find a small correction, error or problem with and he points it out. This was the one that caused us to have a little bit of barny and he stopped doing for a few days but restarted about a week later.

Me: I filled up the car at lunch
Him: Mmmm it was at 1400, that is a bit later than lunch.
Me: Ok, why did It need the clarification?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: You could have just agreed, left it or said thank you – but instead you chose to point out an error in my timing
Him: It was correct though
Me: Was it necessary or polite?
Him: I don’t see the problem -it was correct
Me: But I am asking do you think it was necessary or polite? Even if it was correct.
Him: You are getting bent out of shape over nothing

argument commences

Anyone come across anything like this before? He has just done it now in a conversation about a bill I'm off to pay and it nearly drove me to scream. Please believe me, its become constant.

Nothing else has changed. He is loving, engaged and still does little things to make me happy. I am so confused. I am also finding its changing how I speak to him to try and avoid the correction I know is coming. Which makes me sound long winded and I still get a correction!

Me: We have four black and white cats, though one has a grey spot.
Him: and a dog

(Yes I am aware of the irony or my username and this little rant - I got the book in a vain attempt to Just ignore this change in behaviour)

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 10/01/2023 13:55

If he's still nice/loving, can you appeal more to that side? "Can you stop correcting little details with everything I say, it really hurts my feelings"

Once you've asked, point it out every time he does it to show how it grinds you down. "You're correcting me again, we've talked about this"

His real motives should eventually come to the surface, whether they're benign or malicious.

canihaveawineyet · 10/01/2023 13:58

Seems odd that this is a new behaviour but this is how my FIL speaks (always has done though) and it drives me absolutely INSANE so you have my sympathies!

DeliberatelyObtuse · 10/01/2023 13:59

Blimey OP - that would send me round the bend. I'm annoyed just reading your examples. I'm not sure I could engage in conversation with him if he was going to do that every time.

Dodecaheidyin · 10/01/2023 14:02

I'd be inclined to ask him if there's a reason he is correcting every single thing you say, in a calm and non confrontational way. Perhaps first note down examples over a day or two (just for your own information, not to shove in his face when he denies it).

The fact you are feeling confused rings alarm bells for me. And the fact that he's not always been like that. Can you think back to when it started and if anything changed in your/his life? How old is he roughly?

emptythelitterbox · 10/01/2023 14:03

Ok OP I see what you mean. I don't understand the point of saying any of these things in the first place? It's like you're announcing things.

Me: We have four black and white cats

Me: It rained yesterday

Me: The PIL are coming up from Devon on Wednesday?

Me: I filled up the car at lunch

Ameanstreakamilewide · 10/01/2023 14:04

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/01/2023 13:27

You need to tell him. This drip drip drip is not something you should have to put up with.

It's corrosive to a relationship, too.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/01/2023 14:05

I said I was 'slightly' more organised, because I am. That is not a reflection on him, its only a slight difference and one I'm pretty sure he would agree with.
Of course he wouldn't agree with it.
You are precisely 14% more organised that he is, but not as pedantic accurate ...

Watchkeys · 10/01/2023 14:07

Have you sat him down and talked to him about how it makes him look? i.e. 'You seem to have picked up a habit of correcting me and it just makes me think you must be feeling quite small if you have to be so right about such small things so constantly. Does it boost your ego? Is it to do with your self esteem? Shall I point out when you do it, and then perhaps I can offer you the support and reassurance you need, to prove that your opinion is viable?'

KettrickenSmiled · 10/01/2023 14:11

Has he started with this new nitpicking behaviour with anyone else OP, or is it just you?

If I were in your situation, I would set aside time for a serious chat, ask him to listen without interrupting OR CORRECTING, & then ask him "what has changed for you recently, because you didn't used to do this, & now it's constant."

Also, every time he does his correcting schtick, I'd remark "you are nitpicking again", I will not be spoken to so rudely" & walk out of the room, closing the conversation down. he can then choose to respond to that by adjusting his behaviour ... or you can make the sad decision about how much longer you will tolerate it for.

whattodo1975 · 10/01/2023 14:11

Maybe he has always wanted to correct you on stuff where he thinks you are wrong but has bit his tongue for 20 years. Now he's at an age were he cant be arsed to be polite anymore, and you saying something that is incorrect (in his eyes) has been annoying for a long time (same way you are annoyed now) so he's finally saying something.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 14:14

Drop the rope. It only matters if you respond.

Just let it wash over you.

He may just have run out of anything to say, and want to connect/contribute, even if it is annoying. Toddlers go through a similar phase.

If you really want to, you could elaborate
with other equally irrelevant additional information '... and a red/brown robin in the garden'. 'Well, I say filled, I could probably squeeze another litre in at a push but I stopped at a round number'.

Or do the 'yes dear' thing.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/01/2023 14:16

Start every sentence with "Correct me if I'm wrong". So, "Correct me if I'm wrong, we have four black and white cats." "Correct me if I'm wrong, I filled up the car at lunchtime." The fact that you are telling him to do the annoying thing will highlight that he does it and it's probably just as annoying to him as his behaviour is to you.

If he asks you to stop saying "Correct me if I'm wrong" tell him that you'd be happy to stop so long as he stops correcting you unless there is an important reason to do so.

DPotter · 10/01/2023 14:20

Must be something in the water as my DP has started doing this too. The examples you give subtle are exactly the type of thing I get 'corrected' on. Spotted it about 2 yrs ago and now I just play with it. I'll say something knowing it will be 'corrected' and then a bit later say the 'correction' knowing it will be 'corrected' back and then I call him out. He just splutters. He is doing it less - or maybe I'm just zoning it out

Beamur · 10/01/2023 14:23

My DH can be a bit like this. It's definitely got more noticeable as he's got older (his Dad was exactly the same).
He cannot resist pointing out where I have used the wrong word or been slightly inaccurate. I usually reply with 'nobody loves a pedant' or occasionally I do the same back to him. I.e answer questions very literally. Which does give him pause to reflect.
Generally however, getting him on Twitter has been marvelous as he takes this urge to be right into the perfect arena for it.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 14:25

I wonder whether it's a redirection of energy previously spent somewhere useful. Like at work.

Original poster
subtleartofnotgivingafuck · 10/01/2023 14:26

emptythelitterbox · 10/01/2023 14:03

Ok OP I see what you mean. I don't understand the point of saying any of these things in the first place? It's like you're announcing things.

Me: We have four black and white cats

Me: It rained yesterday

Me: The PIL are coming up from Devon on Wednesday?

Me: I filled up the car at lunch

It was a clear of examples of a short un ambiguous sentences. There was background conversation to each of these. It was to demonstrate the issue at hand, rather than my conversational style over all.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 10/01/2023 14:38

I would point it out every single time

"Correcting me again"

If he hears it often enough he might accept how much he does it.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 10/01/2023 14:41

I know someone like this, it's part of how she speaks and I don't mind it but can see how it would get old, fast! Could it be that you've just noticed it and now that you have, it's magnified and you've realised he does it all the time? Or is he just being a knob as a new year's resolution??

Replies could include, "...OK?", "...right," or ignoring...

fairislecable · 10/01/2023 14:42

Tape a note to the fridge with the days of the week and headed Nitpicking. Each time he does it put a tick in the box. Don’t explain unless he asks why you are doing it.

Even if he doesn’t stop you will gain a bit of satisfaction from seeing just how often he does it.

80s · 10/01/2023 14:43

I wouldn't consider myself pushy
Again, I'm not saying you're pushy. I'm asking if he's saying this to make you look pushy.

billy1966 · 10/01/2023 14:45

MadeForThis · 10/01/2023 14:38

I would point it out every single time

"Correcting me again"

If he hears it often enough he might accept how much he does it.

This.
Every time.

I would actively start to avoid being in the company of someone like this.

Sorry.

Sparkletastic · 10/01/2023 14:52

'Is it old age that's bringing out your inner pedant or is something else going on?'

Hearmeout · 10/01/2023 14:54

Just start saying "Indeed" and "Quite so" after every connection and carry on until he gets bored.

I don't think he's necessarily had his head turned as a lot of men get more contrary and annoying as time go on it's fairly well documented, maybe it's their version of the menopause

inisfree · 10/01/2023 15:01

Every time he "corrects" you, state "it is better to be kind than to be right". He will eventually get the message.

ImBlueDab · 10/01/2023 15:06

It's almost like he's trying to instigate an argument

It wound me up just reading it, heaven knows how you put up with it all the time.