Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Go downstairs or else I'll hit you'

117 replies

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Whotsit · 09/01/2023 04:43

Can you go elsewhere for a few days? Or ask him to? Have some space to think and log with the police. Threatening you was completely unacceptable. Did you sense that he would follow through with his threat?

Namaste6 · 09/01/2023 05:20

Completely unacceptable behaviour.
Are you safe where you are? Do you have family that you can call to come and get you both? As the previous poster has said, you need space away (or he does) immediately to think and consider how / when to report this. He doesn't sound stable.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:21

This is very strange. Why was he rubbing himself on you, what does that mean? Why does him having chest pain mean that he needs you for it to go away? That doesn’t make sense. I think I might be missing something.

But reading the story as it is, this isn’t your fault or the result of you being stressed out. You’re feeding the baby. He’s acting like a baby. I would go and stay somewhere else for a few days. Always take threats seriously rather than give the benefit of the doubt. Because if it’s truly out character it will send the message this is unacceptable. And if not, you’ll be protecting your child (and you). Your safety and well-being are more important than anything else.

I do think this is very strange though so if he’s not a total prick there’s far more to the story. Either way don’t wait around for answers to that. He can explain himself on the phone.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

Bosk · 09/01/2023 05:24

'rubbing himself '? Do you mean he was hassling you for sex, while you were breastfeeding?

rainbowstardrops · 09/01/2023 05:24

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

I tend to agree

Moon5 · 09/01/2023 05:25

Completely unacceptable. Why is a grown man rubbing himself on you for a cuddle when you’re feeding your baby? Bizarre behaviour.

We’re currently going through an awful sleep regression with our 8 month old and I’m frequently very emotional. My partner would never in a million years react like that. There’s no excuse for threatening you x

Justasec321 · 09/01/2023 05:32

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

Crikely Math.

The baby is new. They are trying to figure it out.

Of course it is grim - both what he did, and what he said but that diagnosis seems a little extreme and more that a little hasty.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 05:35

Justasec321 · 09/01/2023 05:32

Crikely Math.

The baby is new. They are trying to figure it out.

Of course it is grim - both what he did, and what he said but that diagnosis seems a little extreme and more that a little hasty.

Show quote history

No, it isn’t. This will absolutely escalate. They aren’t new parents trying to navigate things. One of the parents is an abuser and because he couldn’t get sex he threatened assault.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:35

I felt I was being hasty 32 years ago when my now exH behaved like this. I wish I had listened to the alarm bells.

There is no such thing as a hasty judgement of a man who threatens to hit his partner.

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2023 05:47

Why was he rubbing himself on you? It sounds like he was having a anxiety attack and needed support which you didn't give because you were caring for the baby, there's no excuse for him to threaten you.

pinkfondu · 09/01/2023 05:50

Listen to your instincts you are not over reacting

ChubbyMorticia · 09/01/2023 05:51

He threatened you with violence, in front of your child, because he wasn’t getting what he wanted.

Run.

pinkfondu · 09/01/2023 05:51

When he down plays it this morning and flips it on you don't fall for it

mallardducks · 09/01/2023 05:56

F

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2023 06:04

Honestly you should have gone down stairs and out the front door if you’d had anywhere else to go. Think about whether you want to stay with someone who doesn’t seem to care too much about your bodily autonomy and who threatens you. Are you usually happy because he has everything his own way?

Zanatdy · 09/01/2023 06:11

Do you mean rubbing himself like he was wanting to be close to you as in wanting a cuddle? I assume you mean that rather than wanting sex. He’s out of order. You’re both clearly very stressed. He’s clearly struggling too, but this is completely unacceptable and don’t let him try and brush it under the carpet. Go and stay with a family member for a couple of days if you can

Sunnyjac · 09/01/2023 07:37

Another one who doesn’t think there’s a future in a relationship where your partner threatens to hit you. There is no excuse for that Flowers

WolfFoxHare · 09/01/2023 07:58

When you say ‘rubbing himself on you’, do you mean jumping you like he’s a sex-starved dog? Or trying to snuggle against you because he was anxious? Either way, chucking a tantrum and threatening to hit you us completely out of order and abusive, but I’m just wondering if it was anxiety-driven or sex-pesty.

Y7drama · 09/01/2023 08:00

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

I think this poster is correct

Original poster
upset555 · 09/01/2023 08:02

Sorry if not clear- it wasn't sexual. I was feeding LO and he wanted a cuddle so started rubbing his head on me. It was really weird and filled me with rage as I was already overwhelmed.

His love language is definitely touch whereas I'm not a touchy person at all and I like my space. We do struggle with this sometimes.

OP posts:
EarlyYearsMe · 09/01/2023 08:08

The threat of violence is really worrying OP.
How do you feel this morning?
Have you got somewhere you can go for a few days with your baby?

Your DH sounds a bit manic. Is this temper out the ordinary?

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 08:09

upset555 · 09/01/2023 08:02

Sorry if not clear- it wasn't sexual. I was feeding LO and he wanted a cuddle so started rubbing his head on me. It was really weird and filled me with rage as I was already overwhelmed.

His love language is definitely touch whereas I'm not a touchy person at all and I like my space. We do struggle with this sometimes.

But still, it does sound quite baby-ish to me. And you’re trying to breastfeed ffs.
Regardless, he got angry for no good reason + threatened to hit you. Talk about a massive overreaction. And why? Because he was having chest pains so he needed you to snuggle with him at the same time as you’re breastfeeding?
Give me a break! Utterly. Pathetic.

Chest pains probably invented. If he really had chest pains he’d be calling a doctor, not needing a cuddle. He is a child.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 09/01/2023 08:21

Since when has a cuddle or a shag been a cure for chest pains? He’s made that up to get your attention. Like he thinks faking a potentially serious illness that could cause death is a good way to get your attention away from your infant so you can service his cock. Then, when you refuse to prioritize his penis, he threatens you with violence. What an absolute Twatt of a prick of a man.

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 08:26

LTB

He threatened you.

One day he'll hit the baby.