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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Go downstairs or else I'll hit you'

117 replies

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Ncgirlseriously · 09/01/2023 10:02

I’d be done. Unless he immediately expresses serious remorse and takes action to get himself some therapy. With the amount of women harmed or killed by their partners, I have zero tolerance for this kind of shit.

I’m sorry he’s showed himself to be this kind of person.

(And no, anxiety does not excuse it. I have anxiety. I’ve had several serious panic attacks and somehow I’ve managed not to threaten violence on others 🙄).

Daffodilsandtuplips · 09/01/2023 10:12

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

This is not acceptable and you’re right to be concerned.
He sounds jealous of the time you spend with your dc, the fact that he was rubbing himself against you as you were breastfeeding then tries to blame you for his ‘anxiety’ causing his ‘chest pain’. Indont believe for one second he had chest pains.
If his chest pain was genuine he would have taken up your offer to get him medical help, not try his luck when you were feeding your child. (Amazing how it disappeared when he was trying to get his leg over.)
and then threatens you with violence when you refuse to have sex with him.
If you feel safe enough around him tell him the biggest turn off is a man who is jealous of his own child and then threatens violence when doesn’t get sex.

Teaandtoast3 · 09/01/2023 10:32

I don’t like the sound of him at all. Not even a little bit. I agree with the jealousy. I agree his behaviour could escalate.

TeeBee · 09/01/2023 10:35

Well he's shown his hand early on hasn't he? There's no future there OP...well, if you value the safety and happiness of you and your child. You need to start thinking of an escape route. He sounds hideous and manipulative.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 10:44

We are generally very very happy

Are you sure about that?
How long has he been randomly rubbing himself on your body without your consent, because you refuse a cuddle?
Do you usually just let him, because otherwise he will make your life miserable?

Does he have a heart murmur, or any previous history of heart problems?
How many people can you think of who would commit a sexual assault on their partner while having worrying chest pains?

You say he's never threatened to hit you before.
Short of actual violence what previous form does he have for making you back down & give in to him? Because none of this came from nowhere. I suspect, once you are past the worst of the shock, & have a little space away from him, you will start to see a far uglier pattern emerging that "very very happy".

Will he be at work today, so you can at least have a day to gather yourself without his presence worrying you? Even better, can you get away for a few days to family or a good friend?

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 10:49

Sorry if not clear- it wasn't sexual. I was feeding LO and he wanted a cuddle so started rubbing his head on me. It was really weird and filled me with rage as I was already overwhelmed.
Doesn't really matter if it was sexual or not - it was till unwanted touch, & he should know you well enough & be respectful enough to read that.

His love language is definitely touch whereas I'm not a touchy person at all and I like my space. We do struggle with this sometimes.
Love language is bullshit.
People who love each other show that love by doing things their loved one enjoys. They work it put by communicating with each other. Nobody but a dysfunctional person believes that each human has only one built-in default 'language' to show affection with.

You know that he's a toucher. But that means he also know you are not so much so. Why does his way trump your way? This is YOUR body, not his. He needs to grow the fuck up & realise how much having a baby changes a woman's body, perspective, & physical responses.

Sandra1984 · 09/01/2023 10:55

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

This with bells 🔔

Sandra1984 · 09/01/2023 10:57

He sounds like a psycho.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:00

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 08:26

LTB

He threatened you.

One day he'll hit the baby.

Why do people write this bollocks? There's no suggestion he'll ever hurt the baby.

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 09/01/2023 11:02

Justasec321 · 09/01/2023 05:32

Crikely Math.

The baby is new. They are trying to figure it out.

Of course it is grim - both what he did, and what he said but that diagnosis seems a little extreme and more that a little hasty.

Show quote history

The baby is a year old. It's not new. The pp was spot on

mummabubs · 09/01/2023 11:04

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, I can completely see why this was really unsettling and upset that for you. I agree that this was most likely him feeling jealous at the attention your new baby is receiving from you, which is a common feeling for lots of dads. However his reaction to that feeling (threatening you with violence) was not ok. DH and I have been in the fun that is sleep-deprived newborness twice over. We have behaved utterly irrationally during several of the more horrendous nights, but have never, ever threatened eachother.
I think only you can judge if it was a very ill-conceived throwaway comment that your partner didn't really mean. But in your shoes I would very much be considering how to move on from that and how to make it incredibly clear (if your partner recognises it was absolutely not ok and doesn't try and gaslight his way out of this) that no further verbal threats will be tolerated. You need to keep yourself and your baby safe. X

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:07

I don't think he's jealous of the baby. I think he was probably feeling overwhelmed too and just expressed it differently.

You were both tired. You were overstimulated and he was overwhelmed.

Why wouldn't you leave the baby with him for him to try and settle? He probably could see you'd cracked when you cried.

Obviously the hitting you comment was completely unacceptable. It's a strange way of phrasing it from him. A serious conversation needs to be had.

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 11:13

I have felt anxious with chest pains, yet even in that moment had there been a breastfeeding woman next to me I would not have rubbed my head on her.

What he did was unacceptable. He then went further and threatened you with physcal violence. I don't believe a word of his excuses, he's just trying to make his behaviour your fault which means he's taking zero accountability, and therefore it's not likely to resolve itself.

Any man who threatens to hit a woman holding a baby, needs not to be near the woman and the baby. Talk to someone you trust and tell them what has happened. Don't make excuses for him. Get you and your baby out of there to somewhere safe. He is not your partner, he's a threat and a abusive bully.

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:14

@girlmom21

People who hit there partners almost always end up hitting the kids. There are exceptions but it's not a risk worth taking. She has a duty to protect her child.

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 11:14

@girlmom21

Why wouldn't you leave the baby with him for him to try and settle?

I can find a couple of really good reasons in OP's post.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:15

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:14

@girlmom21

People who hit there partners almost always end up hitting the kids. There are exceptions but it's not a risk worth taking. She has a duty to protect her child.

He hasn't hit her and she can't keep the child away from him when he's posed absolutely no threat to them.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:16

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 11:14

@girlmom21

Why wouldn't you leave the baby with him for him to try and settle?

I can find a couple of really good reasons in OP's post.

And I can see a couple of good reasons as to why she wasn't the right person to try and continue settling the baby too.

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:16

Why wait until he hits her? That's mad.

He literally threatened to assault this childs mother.

I'd leave for that and take the baby with me.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:18

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:15

He hasn't hit her and she can't keep the child away from him when he's posed absolutely no threat to them.

Show quote history

absolutely no threat

Go downstairs or else I'll hit you

One of these things is not like the other Girlmom. Can you tell the difference?

Would you seriously leave your baby with a man who had just threatened to hit you? Of course you wouldn't. So why are you interrogating OP about her decision not to?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:19

@KettrickenSmiled the man's no threat to the baby. He hasn't threatened to hit the baby.

Yes he's a threat to the child's mother but there's no insinuation he'll hit the child, which the poster I responded to suggested was inevitable.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:20

Would you seriously leave your baby with a man who had just threatened to hit you? Of course you wouldn't. So why are you interrogating OP about her decision not to?

He threatened to hit her after she refused to leave the baby who neither of them were actually in a proper state to care for.

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:20

Hitting the child's mother is a threat to the child.

stopthebarking · 09/01/2023 11:21

Verbally threatening to hit you after suffering "chest pains"? His behaviour is erratic and worrying. I'd tread carefully, at a minimum. Being frustrated and asking you to leave the room could have been understandable, though immature and sulky behaviour. Saying he'll hit you if you don't leave is crossing a line. Aside from anything else, what kind of example is he setting, speaking that way in front of your child?

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 09/01/2023 11:22

He sounds at best a fucking immature dickhead, and at worst an abuser. Please get out.

Stickytoff · 09/01/2023 11:23

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:14

@girlmom21

People who hit there partners almost always end up hitting the kids. There are exceptions but it's not a risk worth taking. She has a duty to protect her child.

I’m not saying this isn’t true but DH’s father was never physically violent to his kids but her damaged them enormously in other ways by being abusive to DH’s mother. Emotional and psychological damage can have the potential to cause as much or more damage than physical violence.