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Original poster

'Go downstairs or else I'll hit you'

117 replies

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 09/01/2023 08:28

Needy, nasty little gimp. Get rid OP.

Wibbly1008 · 09/01/2023 08:29

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

This.

KillingLoneliness · 09/01/2023 08:29

OP did he appear to be in pain? When I have panic attacks I can’t breathe, I feel sick and my chest hurts to the point I feel like I’m dying and I am literally in panic mode and freaking out.
He sounded like he was relatively calm so I’d be inclined to agree with others that he could have said it to get some attention which is a silly way to go about it instead of just talking to you at a better time.
Do you get any support with your little one? I get touched out, I’m ND as are my children, one likes space like me and the other clings to me so I truly sympathise with how overwhelming it all gets and how your skin can crawl when people touch you or you feel suffocated by it, obviously I bare it all for my kids as I was never deny them a hug etc but with my DH I know I can tell him I need a moment to readjust.
If my DH ever threatened me like that I’d be gone esp as I was in an abusive relationship in early adulthood. No one should ever speak to their partner like that, it’s not normal. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

SuperFly123 · 09/01/2023 08:29

Yuk. I’d be straight out the door with my baby. Fuck that shit.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 09/01/2023 08:34

Ok, should have checked for further response from the OP before posting. Still, the bulk of my above post stands.

what do you mean by ‘we’ve had problems with this before?’ do you mean you’ve asked/told him not to keep touching you and he’s got upset/angry? Like, it’s perfectly fine to crave touch, but it’s only fine to actually touch if it’s welcome, and it’s never fine to kick off or guilt trip if it isn’t. Having a tantrum because your partner is exercising their bodily autonomy is abusive behavior.

All that should be immaterial though, because he’s threatened you with violence, and that is an instant red card offense.

Mamette · 09/01/2023 08:40

Justasec321 · 09/01/2023 05:32

Crikely Math.

The baby is new. They are trying to figure it out.

Of course it is grim - both what he did, and what he said but that diagnosis seems a little extreme and more that a little hasty.

Show quote history

I think it’s a fair assessment actually.

I can’t find words to convey the contempt I would have for a man who “just wanted me” and proceeded to rub himself on me while I tried to settle a bf baby.

As for the threats of violence when he didn’t get his way? OP, he is not a good person.

MorningPlatypus · 09/01/2023 08:42

Leave him.

Drainedandconfused8 · 09/01/2023 08:45

Serious red flag there OP. He sounds creepy

Regularsizedrudy · 09/01/2023 08:46

What a nasty creep

janex1 · 09/01/2023 08:46

How are you this morning OP? When I had my first baby my DH was jealous but did manage to control it and did thankfully discuss it with me. That kind of reaction is not unusual but threats of violence are completely unacceptable. Please listen to the warning signs. Should not be ignored. Thinking of you

Heartsofstone · 09/01/2023 09:10

Pls leave he has told you his agenda “he just wants you” where does your baby fit in then? I would pick up that tiny little person you grew inside of you and that depend on you, and leave. . He is a jealous and pitiful man.

PenanceAdair · 09/01/2023 09:13

I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding.

What the hell??!

3WildOnes · 09/01/2023 09:17

Tell your friends, tell your family and ltb. Why stay with someone who talks to you like that?

PenanceAdair · 09/01/2023 09:18

I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.I left and took LO

What in the fresh hell?? Who's this guy?!

I know you say it's never happened before but someone who'd be rubbing himself on you because you won't cuddle him while you're trying to feed your baby, has shown to be an arsehole, to say the least.

What is he - 13yrs?

tolerable · 09/01/2023 09:20

absolutely agree with @mathanxiety . . absolute revelation of all he is\very much NOT out of character. Yes go.asap. please

safetyfreak · 09/01/2023 09:23

I think its very unlikely this man not had angry outbursts before.

Jusmakingit · 09/01/2023 09:27

Your partner threatened to hit you cause you wouldnt give him attention?? Good luck over the next few years because the funny thing with babies and children, they depend on there parents.

He needs to grow up and you really need to leave. How can you look at him the same?

Have you spoke to him about his behaviour, has he said anything ? He kicks you out the bedroom and makes you and his child sleep on the sofa? wtf seriously

deeperthanallroses · 09/01/2023 09:28

It sounds like what you’d expect if you had a 2 year old and then anew baby. You’d go into another room to settle the baby and the 2year old would say my knee hurts mummy rub it I’m scared of the dark I need mummy. But the 2yo would never be a grown man who then says they’ll hit you. You need to find support elsewhere and let him work out if he’s going to grow up and deal or not, you have a baby to look after and in any case you CANNOT be the support for a man whose anxieties or jealousy or whatever it is cause him to threaten you.

Oher · 09/01/2023 09:30

I’m so sorry OP, that sounds awful.

Having a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship, as I’m sure you know. Both parents need to come together and prioritise the child. But a certain type of man is used to being his partner’s top priority and competes with the baby like another child, instead of stepping up to the parent role. It sounds like your partner is one of those men. The jealousy and physically pestering you, while upsetting and disappointing, is not unusual and can sometimes be solved as the baby grows up (although this immature type of man rarely becomes a great dad).

What is really unusual here is that his response to you crying was to threaten violence and blame you for whatever his weird physical problem was. He crossed a line there and I don’t know how you can undo what’s happened.

Do you have any support, like family / friends that you could perhaps go and stay with while you reflect on how you want to go forward? Or could you perhaps ask him to leave for a while?

I’m sorry 😢

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 09:33

I did wonder if he was worried about his chest pain, but it doesn't sound as if it was that bad if he was nuzzling up to you and able to issue threats. Unless he is absolutely mortified with regret this morning, you may need to rethink this relationship. I don't understand how the possibility of hitting you even entered his head, let alone that he threatened you and drove you out of the room.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/01/2023 09:38

My first thought was the same as @mathanxiety . He is jealous of the attention you are giving a baby and when you won't ignore the baby for his supposed needs he threatens you.

It won't be long before the threats end and the hitting starts. Please find a way to leave as soon as possible. Contact womensaid or your local abuse centre, some council run them.

Stickytoff · 09/01/2023 09:44

What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

^this I’m horrified what a disgusting man

PearPickingPorky · 09/01/2023 09:48

If someone was having chest pain, then a cuddle wouldn't be what they needed. Also if you "caused" the chest pain/ anxiety attack then why did he want you to come back upstairs? Did he want you to leave the baby downstairs?

None of that makes sense.

What makes sense is that he's a narc who is jealous of having to "share" you with your baby and has resorted to feigning a heart attack to force you to service him instead of your baby.

I don't think there is any way back from him threatening to hit you if you don't give in to his unreasonable demands, if you continue your relationship, then it will forever be tarnished by this incident, and probably this has permanently killed some of the love you have for him, and the respect you had or could have in future for him as a father.

MiddleAgedAndExhausted · 09/01/2023 09:53

Someone actually having chest pains would want medical advice. What a very manipulative and abusive man.

barelyfunctional · 09/01/2023 10:00

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 09:33

I did wonder if he was worried about his chest pain, but it doesn't sound as if it was that bad if he was nuzzling up to you and able to issue threats. Unless he is absolutely mortified with regret this morning, you may need to rethink this relationship. I don't understand how the possibility of hitting you even entered his head, let alone that he threatened you and drove you out of the room.

Even if he’s ‘absolutely mortified with regret’ in the morning she still needs to rethink the relationship. He knew what he was saying, regret won’t make it okay.