Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

'Go downstairs or else I'll hit you'

117 replies

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

OP posts:

theworldhas · 09/01/2023 12:43

the touchy feely + verbally threatening violence combo is really weird to be honest. At best he sounds extremely emotionally immature. At worst mentally unstable. As always, we only get a glimpse and perhaps he’s wonderful and supportive and hardworking the other 99.9% of the time? But regardless, the threatening violence is extremely serious. Don’t think it should be brushed under the carpet.

StarsSand · 09/01/2023 13:00

This honestly made me shiver.

There's so much that's off about this.

You should walk out the door with the baby and go the police station to record that he threatened to assault you.

Call an ambulance. If he actually had chest pain surely he'd want one. What are you meant to do about it?

I could. Not. Stand a grown man rubbing their head on me for a cuddle while I was breastfeeding an unsettled baby. That actually made me feel sick reading that. He's carrying on like a toddler and it's pathetic.

I agree he sounds like he's jealous of the baby. I don't believe he had chest pain, sounds psychosomatic at best.

I'm sorry OP. He sounds revolting

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 13:03

What kind of a man demands attention from his sleep-deprived wife by feigning chest pains and then rubbing his head on her like a fucking donkey with an itch while she’s breastfeeding an unhappy baby, before threatening to hit her if she didn’t go downstairs?

An abusive cunt, that’s who.

bonzaitree · 09/01/2023 13:12

I’d leave today. Threats of violence will only ever escalate and have to be a hard line.

Do you have somewhere to go? Parents friends etc.

Hellno44 · 09/01/2023 13:17

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 13:03

An abusive cunt, that’s who.

This. Unfortunately this will escalate.

magma32 · 09/01/2023 13:48

Sorry this is weird and abusive behaviour. My Dh is a bit of a hypochondriac and do you know what he does when he’s having chest pains? He seeks medical advice. I find it odd that your dp demands you drop everything for him for his ‘chest pains’. Something tells me he’s made up the chest pain thing to make demands on you. He’s not a child that he needs a fucking cuddle under these circs and then to threaten violence it’s quite disturbing behaviour. How does someone just flip like that. I don’t know how anyone can make excuses for this behaviour. I’m sorry op you need to think carefully about your future with this man. Safety first.

tattygrl · 09/01/2023 14:24

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:39

That's not what I was asking. I was asking why she didn't leave the baby when he first asked suggested it.

We've all been in that situation where you're so overwhelmed and all you want is him to stop snoring or breathing loudly or rolling around in bed and just STFU why you're over stressed, over tired and trying to settle the baby. I'm guessing that's the point the OP was at and she'd been trying for so long that she needed to be the one to deal with the situation, in her mind.

But we've also all been in that situation where, actually, you've let someone take the baby and had 10 minutes to calm yourself and then been able to come back and easily settle the baby.

All I'm asking is why she felt, in that moment, she couldn't leave the baby with him. Did she feel he wasn't well or wasn't awake enough or whether he wasn't safe to leave the baby with? I think that's going to matter when they discuss this.

Show quote history

"All I'm asking is why she felt, in that moment, she couldn't leave the baby with him."

Um, because he just threatened to hit her? Would you leave a baby with a man who just shouted "leave or else I'll hit you"? I hope not.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 09/01/2023 14:45

OP isn't going to leave a baby with a man who is one step behind making violent threats. Be serious, he must have been giving off bad vibes. There's no way I'd hand over my fussy baby if I was getting a bad feeling.

I really don't think you can stay after this, OP. He's crossed a line. You're not safe 🌺

Maytodecember · 09/01/2023 14:59

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

This.
Either he leaves or you do.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2023 15:17

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:39

That's not what I was asking. I was asking why she didn't leave the baby when he first asked suggested it.

But we've also all been in that situation where, actually, you've let someone take the baby and had 10 minutes to calm yourself and then been able to come back and easily settle the baby.

Show quote history

Because he was having palpitations/anxiety attack? That's why he called her back upstairs.
Doesn't seem like he copes well with crying babies

tattygrl · 09/01/2023 15:27

OP, I sincerely hope you seriously put your safety and the safety of your baby top, top priority. He might be minimising what happened, maybe even gaslighting you, but the simple fact is he threatened to hit you, explicitly, with a raised voice. No context makes that ok. Even if you believe he would never threaten or hurt the baby, do you really want baby growing up in an environment where you are receiving threats and/or violence?

I know people can say things they don't mean or regret, but personally I have never threatened violence to my partner, much less when an infant is present, no matter how panicky/stressed/anxious/tired I was (and I have been all of those things to a high degree). The statement "or else I'll hit you" is explicit, clear and unlikely to have come out of nowhere, even if it's not something he's ever said before. OP, think carefully. Keep yourself safe. 💐

workinmums · 09/01/2023 15:51

I personally wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone who just told me they're gonna hit me!

PrinceHaz · 09/01/2023 15:58

You say he’s not normally like this. I bet he is to some extent, it’s just that you’re generally very accommodating so don't usually rock his boat.
I don’t like the sound of him.

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 18:41

@girlmom21

I'm happy for you. I'm happy because you've clearly never experienced domestic violence.

Despite that, it's always possible to educate yourself as to what it is and why children are at risk when a man crosses the line. By crossing the line I mean threatening violence. The Mumsnet site offers resources on this topic. If you're interested, that is...

I can assure you from personal experience that a man who has just threatened his partner is not a suitable person to soothe a baby. I can also assure you from personal experience that a man who threatens his partner will progress to hitting her and also their children. All the resources you explore as you try to educate yourself on this topic will tell you the same thing.

layladomino · 09/01/2023 19:09

He threated to hit you. To add insult to injury he ordered you to go downstairs or he would hit you. His ordered exhausted partner who was feeding their baby - to leave or he would hit her. Utterly vile and shocking.

It sounds as though he thinks HE should be the centre of your world, not your baby. So even though he was asleep in bed, when he woke to find you weren't there he needed to drag your attention away from your baby and back on to him. So he feigned a heart problem. Then blamed you for the his 'anxiety'. This makes no sense. How were you causing him anxiety while you sat downstairs while he slept? You were actually helping him by taking a crying baby away so he could sleep. And if he genuinly thought it was you causing the anxiety, why did he insist he needed you with him?

The rubbing against you while you feed your baby is just odd, and I can understand why you didn't like it.

He is attention seeking and controlling. Above everything else, he threatened to hit you. Please get away from him for yours and your child's sake.

Leomii81 · 09/01/2023 20:54

He sounds weird and horrible

tattygrl · 11/01/2023 11:22

How are you doing, OP? Ofc you're under no obligation to check back in but we're all thinking of you and hope you are doing well. Please remember to look after yourself, and heed the warning signs. A person who threatens to hit his partner who's nursing their child is not a safe person. Someone who doesn't have those thoughts and inclinations simply doesn't blurt that out due to tiredness.

Lots of love 💐

Flip

1 2 3 4 5