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Original poster

'Go downstairs or else I'll hit you'

117 replies

upset555 · 09/01/2023 04:36

Been with my partner 4 years. We have a 1 year old. We've been really struggling with her sleep recently and it's been taking it's toll- especially on me and my emotions. Tonight was an exceptionally bad night which resulted in me just taking LO downstairs to try and resettle. After an hour DP texts me saying he's having slight chest pain and can't sleep. I am naturally worried saying do we call 111 etc. he says he just wants me. So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding. I'm over stimulating, tired, emotional, and just started to cry. He lost it at me and blamed me for his chest pain saying I caused him to have an anxiety attack, he was telling me to go downstairs and sleep and leave him with LO. I said no. He shouted 'go downstairs or else I'll hit you'.
I left and took LO. We are on the sofa. He's never said anything like this before. We are generally very very happy and it was entirely out of character but deep down I don't think this is acceptable and now I feel tempted to walk away. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/01/2023 11:25

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2023 05:47

Why was he rubbing himself on you? It sounds like he was having a anxiety attack and needed support which you didn't give because you were caring for the baby, there's no excuse for him to threaten you.

If you think a man rubbing himself on you is for support...

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2023 11:27

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:16

And I can see a couple of good reasons as to why she wasn't the right person to try and continue settling the baby too.

Show quote history

Why? Did she threaten to hit her partner? Who was allegedly having an anxiety attack whilst rubbing himself on her?

mummabubs · 09/01/2023 11:27

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:19

@KettrickenSmiled the man's no threat to the baby. He hasn't threatened to hit the baby.

Yes he's a threat to the child's mother but there's no insinuation he'll hit the child, which the poster I responded to suggested was inevitable.

Wowsers. The ignorance in that post makes me cringe a bit. There aren't many mothers I know who would leave their baby alone with someone who had literally just threatened violence. As someone who's worked with DV victims I'd back OP up that she was 100% right in not leaving her baby with the father when he'd just threatened her in that way. 100%.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:32

@Nanny0gg she was stressed and crying because she was overstimulated and needed a break

@mummabubs he didn't threaten to hit her before he said to leave the baby with him

Iwantamarshmallowman · 09/01/2023 11:35

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

This

mummabubs · 09/01/2023 11:35

@girlmom21 So he threatened to hit her after she refused to leave her baby with him. In the kindest of ways, in what reality would the advised response then be for OP to say "oh ok then, to stop you from hitting me here's our child and I'll leave you two alone?"

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:39

mummabubs · 09/01/2023 11:35

@girlmom21 So he threatened to hit her after she refused to leave her baby with him. In the kindest of ways, in what reality would the advised response then be for OP to say "oh ok then, to stop you from hitting me here's our child and I'll leave you two alone?"

That's not what I was asking. I was asking why she didn't leave the baby when he first asked suggested it.

We've all been in that situation where you're so overwhelmed and all you want is him to stop snoring or breathing loudly or rolling around in bed and just STFU why you're over stressed, over tired and trying to settle the baby. I'm guessing that's the point the OP was at and she'd been trying for so long that she needed to be the one to deal with the situation, in her mind.

But we've also all been in that situation where, actually, you've let someone take the baby and had 10 minutes to calm yourself and then been able to come back and easily settle the baby.

All I'm asking is why she felt, in that moment, she couldn't leave the baby with him. Did she feel he wasn't well or wasn't awake enough or whether he wasn't safe to leave the baby with? I think that's going to matter when they discuss this.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:41

I think me asking that question was taken badly because I'd also posted a response to someone saying he will hit the baby at the same time - but my two posts weren't linked and I'm not trying to be a dick to the OP in any way.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:45

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:20

Would you seriously leave your baby with a man who had just threatened to hit you? Of course you wouldn't. So why are you interrogating OP about her decision not to?

He threatened to hit her after she refused to leave the baby who neither of them were actually in a proper state to care for.

Hmm So according to your logic, neither of them should have been caring for the baby & they should have put it in a bcket, stepped away & called social services to take it away ...

Back in the real world, do you know of ANY mother who became unfit to care for her child just because she was tired,upset, stressed or even crying? Have you never done night feeds? Been overwhelmed as a new mum?

I simply can't see where you are getting your notion that OP was unfit to take care of her baby.

PrinnyPree · 09/01/2023 11:45

Holy shit OP he threatened you with assault when you were breastfeeding because you couldn't give him equal affection at that time. He's also forced you to sleep on the sofa with your baby instead of leaving the room himself. He's a fucking monster. So sorry. X

Soothsayer1 · 09/01/2023 11:45

mathanxiety · 09/01/2023 05:23

Your partner is jealous of the attention you pay to the baby. He is so jealous and so childish that he faked a heart problem to get your attention.

Time to rethink the relationship. This won't get better. What you saw tonight was narcissistic injury and rage.

I agree, I don't have the knowledge or experience to say whether this man is definitely a danger to you or possibly a danger to you but I think this is extremely concerning 🙁

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:45

Yes that's exactly what I said @KettrickenSmiled 🙄

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:47

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:32

@Nanny0gg she was stressed and crying because she was overstimulated and needed a break

@mummabubs he didn't threaten to hit her before he said to leave the baby with him

Oh, that's all fine then.

Threats of violence are nothing to worry about, so long as they are scheduled correctly.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:48

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:39

That's not what I was asking. I was asking why she didn't leave the baby when he first asked suggested it.

We've all been in that situation where you're so overwhelmed and all you want is him to stop snoring or breathing loudly or rolling around in bed and just STFU why you're over stressed, over tired and trying to settle the baby. I'm guessing that's the point the OP was at and she'd been trying for so long that she needed to be the one to deal with the situation, in her mind.

But we've also all been in that situation where, actually, you've let someone take the baby and had 10 minutes to calm yourself and then been able to come back and easily settle the baby.

All I'm asking is why she felt, in that moment, she couldn't leave the baby with him. Did she feel he wasn't well or wasn't awake enough or whether he wasn't safe to leave the baby with? I think that's going to matter when they discuss this.

Show quote history

Not when they've called you upstairs because they have worrying "chest pains" you don't.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:50

@KettrickenSmiled and he told her it was anxiety. Which makes perfect sense in the scenario. They needed a short break from each other and she needed a short break from the baby.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Quotes deleted post

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Quotes deleted post

Everyone you jump on on every thread who gives the tiniest impression the man may not be the devil incarnate. I'm not going to argue with you and derail the thread of the OP who needs proper support.

LuckeyBuoy · 09/01/2023 11:53

There is no such thing as a hasty judgement of a man who threatens to hit his partner

This.

Plus, OP, you mention his "love language" being that of touch. Does hitting you count as his love language?

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:54

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:50

@KettrickenSmiled and he told her it was anxiety. Which makes perfect sense in the scenario. They needed a short break from each other and she needed a short break from the baby.

Hogwash - she needed a break from him, not her baby.
He got arsey because he wanted the physical contact she couldn't give him while breatfeeding.

She was coping just about fine, feeding her baby, but he wouldn't stop physically pestering her -
So I go back upstairs and I'm getting more and more frustrated as I'm breastfeeding which is making me touched out and my partner is rubbing himself on me as I won't cuddle him as I'm feeding.

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:54

@girlmom21

DV is bad.

That is all there is to it.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:55

QuertyGirl · 09/01/2023 11:54

@girlmom21

DV is bad.

That is all there is to it.

100% agree with you.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 11:56

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 11:52

Everyone you jump on on every thread who gives the tiniest impression the man may not be the devil incarnate. I'm not going to argue with you and derail the thread of the OP who needs proper support.

Show quote history

Stop posting then, because nothing you have written is supportive of OP.
As usual, you are playing your weakly-reasoned devil's advocate game, where you like to pop up in DA threads & act as apologist for abusive partners.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 12:00

Oh dear.

LEAVE NOW

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 12:24

@girlmom21

whether he wasn't safe to leave the baby with?

I think we can safely presume that this was the reason. I would never under any circmstances leave a man who is capable of rubbing his head on me while I was breastfeeding a baby because he was feeling anxious, had chest pains suggesting that he needed medical help, and threatened to hit me if I didn't leave the room. This might sound like a good plan to you. It wouldn't to most mothers, thankfully. She doesn't feel safe with this man. She doesn't feel that her baby is safe with him, understandably.

I am thinking that this completely unacceptable didn't just arise on that evening from nowhere. And I'm thinking that OP feels like yes she needs a break, including a permanent one from him.

Making exuses for this kind of bullshit behaviour isn't helpful in any way. Love languages my arse.