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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The script begins

124 replies

supiciousminds · 08/01/2023 08:18

Hello everyone. The last few weeks have been a confusing and unpleasant blur.
I'm so numb and exhausted.

Together 9 years, married 5, two DC under 7

Just before the Christmas break I noticed DH being more distant and less interested in family life, spending more time at work, more time socialising with friends in the pub, as always I picked up the slack with the DC's and prep for Christmas.

Christmas was strained and I kept asking what's the matter and he eventually said "I'm bored, life is mundane, nothing is making me happy anymore, I feel depressed."

I was upset but pleased that he was opening up and hoped to work through it. He kept telling me he loved me and was committed blagh blagh.

My gut feeling was strong and im ashamed to say I looked at his phone..... well there they were, all the messages from the work colleague (worked together years)Nothing incriminating initially, chatty, talking like a pair of teenagers, kisses on all the messages. And then it was arranging to meet up for a "chat".

He lied to me about meeting up with her...
I challenged him about the messages and meeting up, he denied it and gaslighted me accusing me of being paranoid and that I had now broken the trust with looking at his phone.

A few more days pass and we try and move forward but still I feel this awful feeling.
I've since found out they meet up with others for a drink....again lied about it and denied it despite being seen together.

Last night he came home after being out all day and tried to blame me for ending our marriage by breaking the trust through looking at his phone. Denied everything with the OW "we are just friends, your paranoid".

The final blow was that he hasn't loved me for a long time and was trying to for the children.
I'm devastated, numb and terrified what the future looks like. I know he will never admit to the OW. I don't care anymore.

I just don't know where to start with what's next. He keeps changing his mind about leaving or staying in the house.
I'm so worried for our DC, my eldest keeps asking what's going on...I'm trying to protect them and "act" normal.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Intrepidescape · 17/01/2023 07:34

I too have been put through “the script” - twice by the same guy. There were other women involved in both instances. Nothing serious (I.e. they didn’t end up together) but it was the dishonesty and more emotional affair and very inappropriate messages.

The second time it happened I looked through his phone and couldn’t find anything incriminating- other than drunk flirty texts to meet up. He came home drunk at 4 in the morning and there just wasn’t enough on his phone ....then I got into the trash bin of his work email. All of the flirty messages and mentions of engagement rings with this other girl from work. She was a girl. Very early twenties, ginger, an unattractive gangly sort of skinny and freckles. I kicked him out that morning. He went on to impregnate this other female (twice) and they too split up.

I live near his ex now and she has well and truly moved on from my ex.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It feels utterly awful.

Beamur · 17/01/2023 07:54

i feel like he wants me to be the one that throws him out? Is this to lesser the guilt, so i will be seen as the bad guy?
Probably.
I'd guess this really isn't working out for him as he expected.
Has he actually got somewhere lined up to move into?

NicholJO · 17/01/2023 08:09

Hi op hopefully he leaves I have been there done it got the badge carry on for your wonderful children and yourself please don't try to work things out he's still going to work with this ow everyday you will never be truly happy if you stay with your husband it will impact your mental health terrible and that will impact on your children sending big hugs

Womencanlift · 17/01/2023 08:50

He probably had some romantic notion in his head that you would throw him out, the OWs partner would throw her out and they would go and live happily ever after

He has now realised that this is real life and that doesn’t happen with no consequences. The day he came home in a foul mood - he probably either realised this then or the OW told him that she wasn’t leaving

Stick to your guns. Your children will thank you for it long term (I was the child in this situation). Do both sides of the family know what’s going on? Can he not stay with family until he finds somewhere? It’s not fair on the DC to live in this atmosphere and they should be his priority not his love life

Original poster

supiciousminds · 17/01/2023 08:53

Thanks everyone.
I don't believe he has anywhere lined up although I know there are places/people he could go to.
I truly believe he thought we could carry on like this, and me just putting up with it and playing the wife role.

OP posts:

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/01/2023 08:57

supiciousminds · 17/01/2023 08:53

Hi OP, re playing the wife role, I wouldn't be at all surprised and very smart of you to pick that up. My ex did the same - he tried draw me into the relationship with the OW, implying that we were women on the same side against this hapless selfish male who couldn't make a decision. Deep down I think it was the idea of two women apparently fighting over him that he loved.

Don't play his game. Hold the line, you're doing great.

Hesanuttercunt · 17/01/2023 09:23

I'm sorry OP, I'm in the same boat since mid December too. At least mine isn't trying to make out this is my fault. To me that's not just betrayal but abuse as well.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 17/01/2023 09:23

supiciousminds · 17/01/2023 08:53

So sorry you are going through this.

Regards 'playing the wife role' stop all you do for him, washing, ironing, cooking.

Do everything you would for you and the DC and that's it.

Why would he leave if he has somewhere to live with his kids, whilst probably not contributing much to the household.

I would reiterate that he needs to be gone by X day or you will be the one to phone his parents/brother/sister and ask if he can stay with them.

Good luck, stay strong.

HappyNewYear2023 · 17/01/2023 09:31

You need to stand firm OP.

Keep your dignity and don't play the pick me dance.

Hesanuttercunt · 17/01/2023 09:31

supiciousminds · 17/01/2023 08:53

I don't know if this is helpful to you but my CC (cheating cunt) did childcare and housework as we both work full time and I made it clear that he needs to crack on with all that while he is here and I'm deciding what to do.

They don't get to moon about like emo teens, they are adults with families.

Wibbly1008 · 17/01/2023 09:35

Take control and tell him to leave saying you know about the other woman and it’s no longer up for discussion. If the situation was reversed how would he feel. He was laying the groundwork to leave you on his terms with the “I’m confused” wrap so he can come back if affair falls flat. Kick this arse out of your home. Get strong quick, this affair is not going to last and you need to be in a good place to shut the door in his face when he tries to find back.

Isthisweirdornot · 17/01/2023 09:42

😔❤️

GroggyLegs · 17/01/2023 09:43

I can't imagine how shit this has been for you OP. But I think it's time to push away the hurt and focus on the anger towards this treacherous man who's betrayed you & your children.
Once he's out, you can grieve and fall apart on your friends and begin to heal, but right now, he needs to just. fuck. off.

He's come home with his arse in his hands because the fun is well & truly over.

You reap what you sow.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/01/2023 10:03

He was laying the groundwork to leave you on his terms with the “I’m confused” wrap so he can come back if affair falls flat. Kick this arse out of your home

It's actually all gone a bit pear shaped for him, hasn't it? no doubt he was planning to take the OP unawares (having made his preps to leave) and she's changed the rules by not begging him to stay and give her another chance.

Alondra · 17/01/2023 10:43

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Yes, cheaters often think they can continue having the best of both worlds, having a family and a lover.

There is no easy way to deal with this except taking charge of what's happening. Most of us women always try the 'maybe he'll change his mind" because it's scary accepting he's checked out on the family - you and the children.

The sooner you realise this man is your enemy, the better for you. He's going to do everything in his power to lie and gaslight you to maintain the power position over you.

Time to get solicitors involved.

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 10:54

Time to tell him to get gone.

Chooksnroses · 17/01/2023 11:18

YoSofi · 08/01/2023 08:27

Tell him to leave. Take control, he doesn’t get to treat you like shit and then umm and ahh about leaving.

He’s made his bed let him lie in it, it will kill him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this x

I agree!

Pearlygates · 17/01/2023 11:21

Your husband is a narcissistic gas-lighter who want to remain perfect in front of the children, which is exactly why he's dragging his feet and want you to take action.

Wishing you all the best x

ittakes2 · 17/01/2023 12:26

OP - I am sorry you are going through this but the only way forward is for you two to part. You can't patch things up. Maybe with time apart you might decide you want to try again with a clean slate - but trying to patch things will just eat away at your soul. If he goes to the other woman - so what? I felt better when my long term boyfriend ended up marrying the other woman - like he genuinely liked her and was not just tearing me apart because he had become bored and too gutless to tell me.
And you also have to consider that being single leaves you the space to meet a really nice man who will treasure you for the rest of your life. Its not all about him and what he will do or won't do - its also about your and your potential happiness.

Original poster

supiciousminds · 18/01/2023 21:14

Not much of an update. I'm really struggling tonight with the reality of it all. I didn't ever think my life would like this and I worry I will be alone now. I know this is the right decision but it's really frightening.

OP posts:

Britinme · 18/01/2023 21:18

The first step into the unknown is always scary. But it's better to be alone with children you love than to be tied to a lying cheater and dependent on his good will. It is the right decision, and it is frightening right now, but it will be better in the end. You don't know what life has waiting for you ahead - and that's as much promising of greater happiness as well as scary.

Nelly10 · 18/01/2023 21:24

I was the same op few months back. It does get easier though. Do you have plenty of support?

FrostyBits · 18/01/2023 21:30

It is frightening when your world crashes down and your trust is betrayed. One foot in front of the other. Just do what you need to do to get through each minute and hour. Feed the kids, get dressed etc. it's bloody tough now but in a years time you'll be thankful that you didn't put up with this shit.

Original poster

supiciousminds · 19/01/2023 20:44

Things feel especially strained/frosty today. He has now said he will have somewhere by the weekend and has spent the last few evenings out the house.

I know he's still in contact with OW although denying any wrong doing, just friends and I'm being paranoid.

I have some great family and friends offering support but it feels very hard and surreal today.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 20/01/2023 07:33

I am a cynic but I am willing to bet their “friendship changes and develops” after he moves out.

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