The script begins

[supiciousminds]

Hello everyone. The last few weeks have been a confusing and unpleasant blur.
I'm so numb and exhausted.

Together 9 years, married 5, two DC under 7

Just before the Christmas break I noticed DH being more distant and less interested in family life, spending more time at work, more time socialising with friends in the pub, as always I picked up the slack with the DC's and prep for Christmas.

Christmas was strained and I kept asking what's the matter and he eventually said "I'm bored, life is mundane, nothing is making me happy anymore, I feel depressed."

I was upset but pleased that he was opening up and hoped to work through it. He kept telling me he loved me and was committed blagh blagh.

My gut feeling was strong and im ashamed to say I looked at his phone..... well there they were, all the messages from the work colleague (worked together years)Nothing incriminating initially, chatty, talking like a pair of teenagers, kisses on all the messages. And then it was arranging to meet up for a "chat".

He lied to me about meeting up with her...
I challenged him about the messages and meeting up, he denied it and gaslighted me accusing me of being paranoid and that I had now broken the trust with looking at his phone.

A few more days pass and we try and move forward but still I feel this awful feeling.
I've since found out they meet up with others for a drink....again lied about it and denied it despite being seen together.

Last night he came home after being out all day and tried to blame me for ending our marriage by breaking the trust through looking at his phone. Denied everything with the OW "we are just friends, your paranoid".

The final blow was that he hasn't loved me for a long time and was trying to for the children.
I'm devastated, numb and terrified what the future looks like. I know he will never admit to the OW. I don't care anymore.

I just don't know where to start with what's next. He keeps changing his mind about leaving or staying in the house.
I'm so worried for our DC, my eldest keeps asking what's going on...I'm trying to protect them and "act" normal.
Thanks for reading.

This is typical. Affairs flourish in a drama triangle, even if the third person doesn't realise they're part of that drama!

You're pulling away and his ego can't handle it. He's cross with you for not playing his game, for not allowing him to eat cake.

It's very sad and oh so very predictable.

Do not beg, scream, cry! I know you're in so much pain but give him none of yourself. It is a win win strategy in the long run. It might not feel it now but drawing a line in the sand as to the bs you will tolerate will serve you well whatever path this all takes you on.

Just nod, walk away and get on with being the super woman you are!

You can do this, you really can!

Good lass. Stay strong and take control

He's either trying to rewrite the narrative to make you the bad guy (she doesn't understand me, we've never been happy, I never loved her, she only cares about the kids blah blah blah) so that he can clear his conscience and rid himself of the blame for pursuing OW and breaking up his family. Or things aren't going so swimmingly with OW (maybe she won't leave her partner after all or the excitement is gone now that reality bites) and he's realising he's fucked it all up on both sides. And the upshot is that he's lashing out at you.

It doesn't really matter, although human nature is such that you will probably want to know. What matters is that he isn't a good partner to you and he is not remorseful or showing signs of wanting to resolve the issues in your marriage and fix it.

Keep being strong and prioritising yourself and your kids. You're amazing. What you are doing is hard.

I'm really struggling tonight. Had a wobble but DH has now made it clear again that there is no coming back from this.

We agreed to keep things civil for the children.

I'm staring into space, nothing interests me as a distraction.

How do you get through the next days?

Has he left the family home op?

Not yet, he claims he has no where to go....

OP you looking at his phone is not the reason why this has happened.
He is saying you've broke the trust but he already broke it. He's gas lighting you and suing this as an excuse.
Please keep telling yourself this!!!

My husband walked out on me when o was 4 months pregnant with our seco child. Together 10 years, married one.
It followed a row over nothing.
Hed never shared that he was unhappy, he never acted unhappy. He always showed his love.
But he left and he blamed me for absolutely everything.
It took me a log. Time to stop blaming myself!
I have to tolerate him because of the children but he makes my skin crawl and I'm SO glad we're not together.
Someone on here said you'll hit rock bottom before you get up and it's true.
Remember it's not your fault he's a shit person. It's not your fault what's happened and you will move forward.

He's done this, not you.

He needs to go. He probably came back in a foul mood because he's had the brush off by OW.

You will never be able to trust him again especially when he's at work.

He's emotionally cheated and paid more interest in this OW than the mother of his children.

Please do not stay for the kids, I did this for so long, false promises of things changing and it never lasted. DC is so much better now both parents are happy apart.

I upped and left with my 4 year old and left every single thing behind and moved back in with my parents. Tough blow to the pride but it was needed and I had the support. A home is wherever you are happy

He needs to go. He probably came back in a foul mood because he's had the brush off by OW

Yup, shit just got real and she was probably counting on you not reacting the way you have; they could have the nice giggly chats and a cosy work EA and wifey at home wouldn't know. Now you've escalated and she's not prepared to put a landmine under her life and any relationship she has at home. He's realised he's just blown everything up and is standing in the wreckage.

He's most likely in a foul mood as well because you don't seem to realise you're supposed to beg and cry, OP 😆

I’d tell him to go and now! He’ll have a mate or family member to put him up.

I wouldn’t put up with him in the house.

These ‘men’ are pathetic….they all follow this pattern.

@Bumblebee412 i agree with the trust. You can still love someone, but once the trust has gone, that’s it.

DH has made this clear has he.

Well he's got his poker face on by the sounds of it. He's either trying to enforce 'the fear' in you, clearly you are not playing the pick me dance so this is his other option.
This is to destabalise you into thinking he never cared and he's not going to fight for you, either to shut you up and stall for time or to get you back in line to accept the crap he's dishing out.
It's hard this particular game but don't rise to it, no going back puts the onus on you and it being your fault.
Do not waver, these are all techniques to control you in one way or another, best not to discuss emotions, impossible because you want him to know the hurt you have gone through but presently he doesn't give a shit and it would be like talking to a brick.

The only language they understand is their loss. His main aim was to continue the relationship in private untill such time when he was sure what his decisions would be, to either discard you, go back to you, or have both of you. All of these options give you no choice whatsoever or any agency in your life.

The only way to have any choice is to stand up to his behaviour, draw a line and see what offers HE puts on the table, don't be the one who negotiates for him, he is the one to solve this.
He needs to go and that in itself is crap it shows he's not already been remorseful enough and we know when someone goes that this has them running to the other person, double blow, they continually make things worse.

The upshot is, he's just not very nice, has low morals, lacks empathy, is disloyal to you and his own children, just basically a bit low brow for you.

It gets harder trying to make a piece of shit shine and you will kill yourself with gaslighting trying to convince yourself this man has any integrity.

Sending strength.

Hello again, he's now stalling on moving out but not willing to make any decisions on our relationship. I feel so very exhausted and not sure what I'm supposed to do next. This situation cannot stay like this surely?

Take control he has to go Op.

You need to tell him he has to move out. He told you he hasn't loved you for a long time and you know he has feelings for, and has most likely been sleeping with the OW. Do not let him get to be the one who makes the decisions about your relationship.

Him saying he doesn't love you (and any other crap he comes out with) will most likely be his way of justifying to himself his behaviour. He likely does love you (if your relationship was good before he got involved with the OW) but currently he is most likely obsessed with OW and pretty much anything he says will be a lie.

I'd tell him he needs to move out to give you some space to decide what you want to do. If you don't he will most likely string you along while he sees how it pans out with the OW.

@supiciousminds

I let my exDH stay after he admitted to his affair (he said he wanted to work things out, seemed suicidal, was sorry etc). I found out 4 months later he'd continued on the affair, he tried to deny it but I knew he was lying and kicked him out.

We'd been together 20 years and have two children. It's been an awful year but I'm doing loads better whilst his life has been an absolute shit show. His relationship with the OW only lasted a few months after he moved out.

You've got a script too....it involves repeatedly telling him that he needs to move out. Keep going OP, eventually this will pass.

“he still maintains his innocence.”

He lost that innocence the minute he got defensive about you reading his messages. If there was nothing going on (even emotional/ego boost flirting) he would have reacted totally differently. He knew he’d been “caught” so deflected and turned it round on you being the bad guy for reading his messages.

“he's now stalling on moving out but not willing to make any decisions on our relationship. ”

Why does he get to make the decisions? Give him an ultimatum. One week to find some new digs or move back in with his parents, sofa surf at a pal’s, whatever. He’s hoping by stalling, you’ll crack.

After the week’s up, if nothing’s changed - and I’m not recommending you do this at all - but I’d be resisting the urge to pack a binliner of his belongings and take them to his work, ask to speak to OW and hand her the bag; “I believe these belong to you now”. Thrust the bag in her hands and leave. Then go home and change the locks. That she’s not available for him to move in with really isn’t your problem.

Like I say, I’m not recommending you do that but, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

After making it clear to you he’s been unhappy in this marriage for a while, ask him why he’s so keen to stick around all of a sudden. And whilst he’s still under this roof, can he stop walking round with a face like a slapped arse, your DC behave with more maturity when they don’t get their own way.

Keep busy OP. Don’t sit and stare into space. Especially if he’s sat in the same room whilst he’s looking for new digs. Haven’t you got a few wardrobes to sort out…

You don't need him to make decisions over the relationship.
You make them, you tell him it's over and that he needs to leave.
He's stalling because she's probably freaking out about been found out and it's not going the way he thought it would.
Pick yourself and get rid!

It is not his decision to make alone. You do figure in this! Obviously all is not rosie with OW, but do you really want to be his default/second choice/ fall back option?

Seize the initiative and power back. I suggest you tell him to sling his hook, you deserve so much than a pathetic cheat with little integrity.

How you getting on @supiciousminds ?

Hi everyone, not great if i am being honest.
We had a better weekend and now it's back to radio silence.
We have agreed to the end of the week and he will have somewhere to stay.

Im embarrassed to say I did try and talk/work through things, suggest counselling but now it's back to living like strangers, which is no way to live.

I feel like he wants me to be the one that throws him out? Is this to lesser the guilt, so i will be seen as the bad guy?
Why an earth would he want to stay with someone he clearly dosent love and has said dosent love anymore?
I can't get my head around any of this.

Yes it’s to lessen the guilt.

You could flip your question and ask why would you want to stay with someone who has told you they don’t love you.

it will get easier. Don’t accept scraps. He is not the man you thought he was and no amount of counselling will make you forget this moment in time. There are better things ahead for you. You just don’t know it yet.

It’s so that he can say poor little me, she chucked me out.