The script begins

[supiciousminds]

Hello everyone. The last few weeks have been a confusing and unpleasant blur.
I'm so numb and exhausted.

Together 9 years, married 5, two DC under 7

Just before the Christmas break I noticed DH being more distant and less interested in family life, spending more time at work, more time socialising with friends in the pub, as always I picked up the slack with the DC's and prep for Christmas.

Christmas was strained and I kept asking what's the matter and he eventually said "I'm bored, life is mundane, nothing is making me happy anymore, I feel depressed."

I was upset but pleased that he was opening up and hoped to work through it. He kept telling me he loved me and was committed blagh blagh.

My gut feeling was strong and im ashamed to say I looked at his phone..... well there they were, all the messages from the work colleague (worked together years)Nothing incriminating initially, chatty, talking like a pair of teenagers, kisses on all the messages. And then it was arranging to meet up for a "chat".

He lied to me about meeting up with her...
I challenged him about the messages and meeting up, he denied it and gaslighted me accusing me of being paranoid and that I had now broken the trust with looking at his phone.

A few more days pass and we try and move forward but still I feel this awful feeling.
I've since found out they meet up with others for a drink....again lied about it and denied it despite being seen together.

Last night he came home after being out all day and tried to blame me for ending our marriage by breaking the trust through looking at his phone. Denied everything with the OW "we are just friends, your paranoid".

The final blow was that he hasn't loved me for a long time and was trying to for the children.
I'm devastated, numb and terrified what the future looks like. I know he will never admit to the OW. I don't care anymore.

I just don't know where to start with what's next. He keeps changing his mind about leaving or staying in the house.
I'm so worried for our DC, my eldest keeps asking what's going on...I'm trying to protect them and "act" normal.
Thanks for reading.

Another one saying hold the line and don't do the pick me dance. I really wish MN had been around when my marriage broke up.

They'll get bored of each other in months, if not weeks. You're better off.

Take control as advised.

Tell his family and yours.

Take every bit of support offered.

He has shown you who he is.

Take comfort from the fact that you will show him that you are not some weak little woman who will accept this.

The sooner he leaves the home the better, so that the children are protected from the atmosphere.

You deserve so much better than him.

💯 this! It’s what I’ve done.

SM, kudos for requesting space from your devious cheating H and telling him some home truths. How dare he treat you and the children with utter contempt via his infidelity, cruelty, lies and gaslighting.

He must now face the consequences of his disloyalty. He may attempt to further manipulate you by backtracking, but you’d be wise to insist that he stay elsewhere while you make your decisions.

His faithless agenda and abhorrent behavior would be the death knell of the marriage for me. If you do choose to reconcile, he must show total remorse and transparency, cut contact with OW, and of course find a new job.

Hi everyone.
Thanks for all the replies, just catching up. Little update. I spent the day with family and it was nice to have a break and DC loved it.

Since being home DH was so happy to see us and I put on a brave face and went through the normal bedtime routine.

Talked some more to DH who had clearly been crying and admits he's a mess and missed the DC.
I said he still needs to move out as I need space.
He confirmed he would tomorrow and kept apologising and he dosent know what he's doing.

I'm so confused and numb. Fighting the urge to try and return to "normal". Still have this horrible anxiety feeling, "have I got it all wrong? Could this still work? "

Going to try and eat something and get some sleep.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Hold firm. They do this as the wife firms up her boundaries. Affairs are addictive. The highs are too high but they also want the stability of home life, and often just want to cake eat. You've thrown a spanner in the works and he doesn't like that his ego kibble supply will be halved.

Do not soften your position. This is the point where he will try and worm his way back while still seeing her, honestly this is the nasty game they play.

You don't have to rush to divorce if you don't want that but you also need to process what he has done, as affair aside he has also been so cruel to you and said things that will be hard to move on from. From a safe and detached position you can watch what he does (move jobs, cut contact with the OW, full honesty and transparency etc) if you believe there may be a glimmer of hope for you both and IF that's what you want.

TBH at the moment he is still playing from the cheaters handbook!

Well done OP.

Do you have people you can talk to in real life? Mumsnet is a wonderful source of support, but people do not know you or your DH, and can be quite militant or insistent about your next course of action.

Take some time to think and talk. Obviously there are serious problems that need to be addressed, but do not feel pressured into acting in any particular way.

Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. You choose your hard.

Good luck x

What a head fuck. So sorry 💐

It's hard when he's flip flopping between remorseful, pathetic, sad man who wants his family and cold-as-ice stranger who doesn't love you and lies about what he's up to.

I think you have to think tactically and maintain a position of strength at this point. If he has genuinely had a shock, seen the light and is currently aghast at his own behaviour etc, he will stop at absolutely nothing to prove himself and win back your trust. There's no rush. You can take all the time you need to seek advice and have space. Don't be tempted to just take him back because you're scared that otherwise he'll go running to the OW. If he's genuinely sorry then he won't do that, even if you insist he stays away for a lengthy period to give you time to think. If he's had a wake up call then he'll cut her off instantly and completely and be looking for another job immediately, regardless of whether you're allowing him back.

Stay strong OP. You need this man out of your life, he’ll only kill your self esteem. Don’t be second best because life is too short.

Yes it's a real head fuck at the moment. I'm going to stick with him moving out and me having some much needed space.

I'm also feeling anxious as I know they (OW) will be in work together tomorrow....he still maintains his innocence.
However, I can't control that and I've got to think of myself and DC and get through this stressful week.

I'm fortunate that I've confided to a couple of trusted friends who are offering me solid advice.

Hi, take a look at the chump lady website. She has some good advice. Whatever you do don't do the pick me dance.

Well done OP.

Hold your line.
Do not allow him to take your dignity.

Of course he is crying, for himself, and in the hope of manipulating you.

Of course he wants his cake and to eat it.

Keep reminding yourself of all the nasty things he said.

Write them down and keep them close to hand.

He has not got your back.
He is only thinking of himself.

He has betrayed you AND his children, never forget that.

Tell both familys and hold your head up really high.

He's a disgrace.
Don't you protect him for a minute.

We are here for you.

He…kept apologising and he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

SM, you handled this so well by sticking to your guns re your need for space. It’s clear that you do not ‘have it all wrong.’

Your H certainly does know what he’s doing. For months he’s created distance between you with his dishonesty and cruel behavior, all to justify and make room for his illicit investment in OW.

He is responsible for his unethical choices. He weakened his boundaries and chose to devalue and cheat on you and his children. He could have shut this down at any time and poured his emotional energy into your marriage. This is all on him and he must face the music.

In your shoes, I would meet with a solicitor to learn my options. Consider seeking IC for support as you navigate this painful journey.

I meant to address H’s shifting the blame for the destruction of your marriage to your looking at his messages. I hope you see this as his manipulative, diversionary response to being rumbled.

His behavior toward you and engagement in family life had suddenly changed, and, needing answers, you investigated. Thank goodness you did, because he has been up to no good. Your emotional health and need for the truth warranted your investigation.

It sounds like the dynamic between H and OW changed at some point to mutual attraction, flirtation, and ego validation. He weakened his boundaries and felt entitled to pursue this shiny new adventure, while treating you with contempt and callous disregard. They are having an emotional affair, at the least, and things have clearly been escalating.

He is still prioritizing OW and protecting their affair by continuing to lie that they are merely friends.

@MsDogLady I absolutely agree. I said to DH that if you were so unhappy with your life and our relationship you should have put your energy into that and not messaging the OW/meeting up. All the time he was giving me the cold shoulder, going out etc, he was messaging OW asking about how her day was, hoping she was okay.

This was exactly how I felt with regards to my exdh emotional affair with the OW. Looking back, I can see he's started picking arguments with me, to justify his behaviour, he could then tell himself our relationship was awful because we kept arguing. It also hurt that his emotional focus wasn't on me and the dc, it was elsewhere. We were never going to be able to repair our relationship whilst his attention and emotional attention was on the ow.

As it happened I found out he'd slept with her several times, 3 years down the line. That for me was the double whammy as I'd stayed and felt he'd been lying to me again for another 3 years.

When he realises she's not going to leave her partner for him then he will come back. That's when you need to be strongest.
You need to remind yourself he was capable of this once and he will do it again.
You deserve more, you deserve a chance of happiness and it's not with him.
He will try everything to talk you round. Remain strong. He won't even give you the respect of telling you the truth and is trying to blame you for his ways.
You can get through this and be so much happier. X

@ImBlueDab I'm so sorry you went through this. To think you tried again and then to find out further betrayal. Such selfish creatures.

Update: he's come home in a foul mood and told me he will be looking for a place to be out asap.
I was just in the middle of getting the DC tea ready.

I feel in shock....feels all surreal

OP, this is hard to get through, but you will do it. I am now 11 years on from it and he is now married to the "she's just a friend".

They can't admit to themselves that what they are doing is wrong, so they turn the wife into the bad guy, claim the other person is just a friend helping them through, then lo and behold at some future point they are a couple and "it just happened".

I fell apart which I couldn't help, we are all different people and I became severely depressed, but once I got advice on here I did proceed with divorce etc in order to protect myself financially.

Get some legal advice, look into the UC or benefits that you could be entitled to, apply for the discount on council tax.

The more you take control of the situation the better you will feel about it all. He has made his decision. If there was any hope for the future, assuming that you still wanted to reunite, he would have to be 100% honest about everything before you could deal with it and move on.

Keep copies of all the paperwork on pensions, joint accounts, savings etc just in case they aren't all disclosed in due course.

Op stay strong just say that’s fine and we can sort divorce and finances out as soon as. They check out and detach mentally months prior to us finding out so it’s easier to move forward. It’s a massive shock at first but honestly you will start to feel better I’m 3 months on now and have come along way in that time good luck.

The moment you checked his phone the relationship was over.
That doesn't mean you're in the wrong. It means the trust has gone.
Life is too short to live in an environment like this. He gaslit you. That's not okay!
He will turn this on you. It'll be your fault. But don't bite the bait. He said he doesn't love you, then that's that. You don't need to hear any more from him once he's admitted that.
Your children deserve a happy home life even if it's split into two homes. YOU deserve a happy life too. Not with this arsehole though. He's chasing his happiness, you need to find yours. Good luck

Yes this! Detach as much as you can

In all likelihood a foul mood means that his girlfriend took a couple of steps back when she realised fantasy was becoming reality.