The script begins

[supiciousminds]

Hello everyone. The last few weeks have been a confusing and unpleasant blur.
I'm so numb and exhausted.

Together 9 years, married 5, two DC under 7

Just before the Christmas break I noticed DH being more distant and less interested in family life, spending more time at work, more time socialising with friends in the pub, as always I picked up the slack with the DC's and prep for Christmas.

Christmas was strained and I kept asking what's the matter and he eventually said "I'm bored, life is mundane, nothing is making me happy anymore, I feel depressed."

I was upset but pleased that he was opening up and hoped to work through it. He kept telling me he loved me and was committed blagh blagh.

My gut feeling was strong and im ashamed to say I looked at his phone..... well there they were, all the messages from the work colleague (worked together years)Nothing incriminating initially, chatty, talking like a pair of teenagers, kisses on all the messages. And then it was arranging to meet up for a "chat".

He lied to me about meeting up with her...
I challenged him about the messages and meeting up, he denied it and gaslighted me accusing me of being paranoid and that I had now broken the trust with looking at his phone.

A few more days pass and we try and move forward but still I feel this awful feeling.
I've since found out they meet up with others for a drink....again lied about it and denied it despite being seen together.

Last night he came home after being out all day and tried to blame me for ending our marriage by breaking the trust through looking at his phone. Denied everything with the OW "we are just friends, your paranoid".

The final blow was that he hasn't loved me for a long time and was trying to for the children.
I'm devastated, numb and terrified what the future looks like. I know he will never admit to the OW. I don't care anymore.

I just don't know where to start with what's next. He keeps changing his mind about leaving or staying in the house.
I'm so worried for our DC, my eldest keeps asking what's going on...I'm trying to protect them and "act" normal.
Thanks for reading.

In the aftermath, you'll have so many emotions but keeping your sense of self, your pride, dignity, self worth and esteem will make you feel so much better in the long run. You'll eventually be so grateful that you took control, didn't beg or plead or compromise yourself until you barely existed. Let all the hurt, betrayal and sadness come but force yourself to push those feelings away too. Stay strong and march forward. You'll be glad you did one day.

It doesn't really matter if it does or doesn't. Try not to dwell too much on what he's doing. Put yourself first and think about the outcome you want. He's put himself first, so you do the same for you.

OP, I think it's time to put your foot down. Tell him he needs to leave by the weekend or else...Honestly he's been dragging this for too long now! Every weekend it's the next weekend. It never ends and you're being tortured.

How are the kids? Have they been asking questions etc?

Hello everyone, quick update. He has moved out although seeing the kids daily. This feels strained and I'm struggling as as we still feel like a family.
He is now announced he's going away soon for a week.... no other details or how child care will work when he is away.....

He is also asking to discuss finances and how I will need to pay half of all the bills moving forward as it's not fair to expect him to.

I'm just taking it a day at a time but will start now getting some legal advice.

Hi Op I wouldn’t agree to him seeing the kids daily you need some space from him.

can you agree on two nights a week for tea and an activity?

Are they old enough just to be let out and picked up outside by him, so you have no contact ?

You need to detach emotionally it’s vital.

So I'm trying very hard to detach emotionally right now. We have agreed on set days and evenings and really sadly he dosent seem to be pushing for lots of time with them. So very confusing as it's so far from the person I thought he was.

I'm having good and bad days. Night time is the not great at the moment.
My friends have been amazing but I appreciate they have their own lives and things happening for them.
Day at a time I guess.

That’s good op it’s really tough at first but I’m 4 and a bit months on now and it’s helped me hugely. I’ve come a very long way since Oct. And you will too.
I would recommend just using email as well for comms, block him on everything else literally everything and all family & associates. This has also been very very helpful for me.
it’s very difficult knowing he’s not the person you thought but you will come to terms with that in time.

@Nelly10 thank you for the kind words. I found this weekend very difficult we both went to an event for one of the DC. It felt normal but I felt so upset going home alone.

He has now moved out and It's driving me crazy wondering if he is with the OW but I know I have to let it it go.
He is still denying there is anyone else and he has simply stopped loving me.

I'm going to make an appointment with a solicitor in the next week or so.

Still feels so surreal

Hope your feeling more settled now a month down the line .
if he is having overnighters , have you had your friends over for a takeaway , gone out for a meal / cinema ? It helps to see yourself as an adult in your own right and not just a single mum coping with it all.

Being alone is far better than being with someone who treats you appallingly. FWIW I did the pick me dance 25 years ago, and we did reconcile, and are still together but it’s been hard slog, years of worry, years of stress, and now I’m just numb to it all. I now no longer care what he does, I just wish I had left years ago and made a better life for myself, wasted years on trying to be happy, wasted years on thinking things will be ok. Even my adult kids say I should have split with him years ago and he’s their dad! Don’t be me!

How are you @supiciousminds ? 💐

Hope all is well @supiciousminds

Is he sneaking around though? You said they went out as a group of friends for drinks. It doesn’t sound like they’re concealing anything? Do you know his colleagues if he’s worked there a long time? Surely they know of you.

Hello everyone,
Thanks for the messages. We tried again, I stupidly gave him another chance. I have since found out that he continued to message the OW despite the promises and boundaries I put in place.
I feel so foolish.
DH has now gone again....so I'm starting the process all over again.

Well, it’s time to get angry on behalf of your dc even if you can’t get angry for yourself. There are a lot worse things than ‘being alone’ and being married to a cheating liar is one. It’s time lawyer up, knowledge is power and will help you feel less afraid. Try not to panic and worry about bills etc and don’t pay 50% cos he asks you to. He is no longer your friend in any way. Tell friends and family what’s happened and lean on their support. You CAN get through this. 💐

You're not starting again though, you're just picking up where you were. All a learning curve, and my own counsellor would say that it's totally fine to slip back in, provided you learn from it.

Can you afford some counselling? Realising that this is a pattern, and there is a pathway through can be an enormous help.

Don’t feel foolish for having tried again. I did exactly the same as you (with exactly the same outcome). My ex went on to marry the OW - they are still together, but not happily.
For a long time I was ashamed at my ‘weakness’ in allowing him that second chance. However, when your children are older you may see some positives in having done so. They will be aware that you did all you could to keep the family unit together and your ‘DH’ will never be able to rewrite history and pretend that you over reacted and ended the marriage unnecessarily.

You know you tried everything now. You can close that door fully knowing that. Remember this feeling and never let him make you feel like that again. He's proven how much be isn't worth it. You will pick yourself up and you will survive this

Sometimes we need to try again for our own sake, even if it ends in hurt, it'll cement your decision and you'll actually move on quicker this time.

Be kind to yourself and take time, eat and drink and love your dc. You'll be in a far better place than you ever were on the future

@supiciousminds Nothing wrong with trying again - some relationships do succeed when ‘d’h realise what a mistake he’s made. However, the fact that he was still in communication with ow, and hadn’t made a clean break showed that he was keeping all his options open.

Sorry he let you down again, and wishing you all the best for the future.

He needs to move out completely.
He did this. He gets to go have his fun with the OW and cope with his less "mundane" greener grass life.
In time he will realise full time OW is nothing in comparison. But by then you'll be stronger and in a better position. You call the shots. He doesn't get to disrespect you. If your daughter came to you with this scenario one day what would you say? Don't model to them that's it's ok to be walked over and put up with. Yes it's hard. Very easy to stay with what's comfortable. But you have many years ahead of you yourself. He's not worthy.

Hi, its been a while. I was thinking of you. How are things?

@DaringlyDizzy thanks for your message.
So we have officially separated. I'm so much further on and doing well co-parenting. But as predicted, once reality hit for him he wanted to come back. I'm staying strong and not falling for it, but it's really hard and lonely. It would be easy to try again, but I won't ever trust him. I realise that without trust there is nothing.
So one day at a time and trying to develop hobbies and interests.

I just came across this thread again after quite a long time. How are you @supiciousminds ? Hope you are doing ok 💐