Dh has acquired my credit card debt secretly while on a five year DMP

[ThomasWaghornsConeHat]

Going to start off by saying in dyslexic. So I can't spell.

Dh has two months left on a five year dmp for £48,000 of debt he kept secret from mand I had to dig and dig to find out about.

He earns 29k a year.

I was noticing that he he smoking cigarettes again not roll ups and occasionally had money to buy things when earlier in the month saying he was skint. I asked him just before Christmas to show me his finances but he kept putting me off and swearing he had no new debt. I have asked and asked so today he told me he had spent 6k on new tools. Didn't tell as he knew I'd go mental. He is a tradesman but employee so no need to buy tools.i was shouting at him so my 15 year old heard, I have been hiding his dad debt from all the kids, but in a moment of red fog I told ds what dh has done.

I made dh show me in front of ds and he has in fact been spending on adverage £40-£50 per day (50% of his net income ) on the lottery and iTunes and fans.

He never told me what the previous 48k went on. He was lying right up to each statement was pulled up on the PC. He has got a new phone and not once mentioned any spending with me.

He has been extremely angry with our eldest recently and totally disengaged with me and increasingly family life.

For the first time ever he didn't get us cards, didn't get involved with food or present buying. If I need his help he will also increasingly get defensive so I try to avoid doing so. I do all the life and kids admin. He says he didn't help at Christmas as overwhelmed in his job.

Now I know partly why he is so angry and distant but not sure if there's more to come out. He seems to be a pathological lier.

He has offered up no solution. He said he will sort it. I said I need to be involved in how he sorts it out. He said he will seek help but never has before. He is very selfish. Very arrogant. Thinks he is a victim and I know he wants to shift the blame to me.

Another dmp won't work. Personally I'd like a divorce and to split 100% from him financially for a start. The only other option I would consider is him giving me 100% control of all his money and close all of his accounts. My ds is begging me not to leave him.

There's been no apology of course. There wasn't with the dmp. I had to drag one out of him which took a month. He said eventually he felt sick at his actions but that all clearly bullshit. So remorseful he has got a new card and maxed it out as soon as he could get the credit.

He seems so angry with me. We have had the house as cold as 6 degrees to save on heating costs.

My gut says wait for his "solution' to see how pathetic it is. Will probably suggest he keeps all his accounts invisible to me. I can't do that. At which point ì start divorce.

Take control and don't wait. He has lied. He has risked you and the family items. To be fair, it doesn't even sound like you even like him anymore (and justifiably so). Spend the time you would have done in pointless discussions trying to settle your child and make sure he's OK, but leave

What’s a DMP?

Debt Management Programme?

Honestly just divorce before he wracks up more marital debt

No I don't like him.anymore. The dmp business killed off most of my feelings for him. It's not just the debt, it's the lying and getting angry / being cold when I went nuclear at him. I can tell he is seathing with me. I kept asking him.if he's OK as he so checked out of family life. Buy tbh he had checked out three years ago. Started ignoring me when I was upset etc.

I know it will be upsetting for your son but I don’t see you have any option but to book an appointment with a solicitor to discuss divorce. He can’t be trusted and you don’t like him any more, understandably. Give him more time and he will run up more debt.

Divorce him. He won't change. He's shown that. Leave him before he drags you down. My ex wracked up debt on my credit cards unknown to me and I got myself lumbered with it when he left. He's still massively in debt himself, taking out the highest interest rate cards to buy things. He won't change and neither will your partner.

Divorce him but keep your kids out of it as far as possible. I would ask him to leave / you’ll probably need legal and financial advice - you don’t want to be responsible for him or his debts.

I can understand how the conflict is upsetting your son but that is going to get worse. You can try an ultimatum and take control of all monies. Also that your H goes and sees a doctor and seek help about his spending addiction. However I suspect he will find a way to go behind your back. Personally I would leave and divorce asap. Good luck 💐

I think you have to go. His behaviour sounds like he’s either gambling or cheating.

He's a wrong un. I don't think I would personally have involved my son so much but also see why you got to that point. He knows now so will understand that you've nonchooce

No choice

If you don't like him, divorce is the only answer. Better for your DC to have at least one happy parent than none, plus it sounds like financial suicide to stay with your DH.

Yes I feel so bad about that but I was seething and dh was still gaslighting me to the point I was questioning my sanity.

Ds younger brother has a disability SW so I have emailed her, told her I involved my son. Hopefully the more in the open it is the more I can have people help me work out if it is indeed my mh problems and dh is in the right.

I'm worried his next debt will be secured. He can not ever get better or stop. That's very clear after the dmp.

I think there might also be an affair as he is so cold but tbh is no catch in any respect. He suddenly looks 60 in his forties and has no hobbies or friends. I think he has some complex problems. With have three kids with sen and another who was borderline on a ASD test. Dh is a extrovert but no friends and no hobbies and never has. But even some kind of learning difficulties can't explain his behaviour. He is so calous and playng the victim.

You and your dc have been cold and no doubt made other sacrifices so he could fritter money away on cigarettes and if that was Only Fans then you and dc are missing out so he can ogle other women. Spending so much whilst you are missing out is so wrong.

Divorce him now and start again. If there is no love and he had checked out then that in itself is grounds but he will keep overspending and prioritising himself over the dc. It doesn’t sound like you would be together if the Dc had left home so get on with your life now and be a good example.

First of all, you may be dyslexic but it doesn't show.

Secondly, this is really bad. Your husband's money problems have killed your relationship and put the whole family in a very precarious situation.

You did very well to get him onto a DMP and it must sting to have been so close to completion to then find out it has all come unstuck.

I think you need to take a couple of steps right away to protect your position. I would try a couple of help agencies, one for problem gamblers because they are very attuned to the habits of gamblers and therefore well-placed to advise on extricating oneself from an entanglement with a gambler. I'd also call a debt management charity, and possibly seek out advice from a community law service (if there is one?)

You need to split finances legally and quickly so that you do not become liable for his new debt and any more debt that he racks up.

I think at this point, you need to focus on self-preservation and hooking up with good support for moving on. There is probably little point in trying to discuss with your husband as clearly he is deep in denial, and also very immature.

From your account, it sounds as though he has quite a serious gambling problem. But no-one can fix it for him. The most you can do is probably forward him a couple of links to help services (if and when you feel like it). He has to acknowledge his problem then go through the process of addressing it. Like any addiction, it can be tough to beat. But it is actually counter-productive to try to "fix" him, only he can do this and only when he is ready.

Sorry for what you are going through; it must be such a kick in the guts and also hugely stressful.

Hi OP
Best to check he hasn't taken out other debt in your name too? Have you done a credit check on yourself recently? There's lots of free services which will show what is currently owed in your name. As the card is in your name, you might have to pay it back but definitely get some advice from a debt charity who should be able to explain what your rights are.

Debt is a massive problem for many - I know because I did it myself once! I wracked up a massive amount of debt by idiotic spending and I was too scared to add it up or tell anyone. Eventually I couldn't meet the minimum payments and it all came home to bite me. Thankfully with accountability from family and living very frugally for 5 years, I paid it back and I learned my lesson the hard and painful way. I would never do that again!

It IS possible to screw up and get a second chance but it sounds as though your DH is just repeating the same old mistakes, lies and patterns of behaviour. Presumably he has an addiction - has to buy new stuff in order to 'feel good'. But then even when confronted, lies and stonewalls to try and cover up.

That's a horrible position for you to be in especially when he's done it once before. I think you need to have an open conversation and get the full facts (there may well be more debt) and then it's time to go your different ways.

Defo get some advice though, either from a debt charity and/or solicitor.

Leave him. My ex was exactly the same, continually in debt but blamed me and said I didn’t contribute enough to the household (I did actually, almost exactly the same as him despite working PT and doing almost 100% of the childcare/household admin).

I offered endless support, pulled together budgets and options, did research but in the end he cheated and left me and said all I did was nag. On the day he left I caught him in the kitchen trying to take out a secured loan against our home and said I agreed to it. Thank God I caught him and called the mortgage company to put a note on our account to say no amendments had been agreed by me.

Your partner will likely never change, I had constant anxiety around money, what would happen when the mortgage was up for renewal, the letters through the door…it was horrendous. 2 years on, I bought him out of the house and am free of him financially and so much lighter knowing that none of that is my problem anymore.

I wonder if bankruptcy is his next solution. Hes dragging you down with him.

Do I need to inform mortgage company just in case? I was telling him how worried I was about the heating. He has never said ever he worries about the bills.

I'm going to give him until the end of today to give me his "solution" then tell him mine. We was supposed to start down paying our mortgage when the dmp finished, he simply does not want the same things as me. I think he needs to keep one account in his name to attach his debts to, I would need full access to it. I need his experience log on. He needs to be signed up with the gp, dmp and gambling charity by this time next week and if not I will start divorce next month. I would rather just divorce him and split assets but I don't want to loose my house. Maybe if we are tennants in common he could only gamble away half of the house? I think I need a solicitor

This is who he is, you can waste more of you time desperately waiting for the less twat version to appear, or you should do what you probably should have done years ago, ltb.

just get rid. you can't change him, and taking 100% control of all finances will kill whatever is left of your relationship anyway so bring about the same eventual outcome

I think it is a good idea to call the mortgage company.
I also think divorce js really inevitable, abd probably sooner than later since he can't do further damage.

*So he can't do further damage, I meant!

Divorce him