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Original poster

Dh has acquired my credit card debt secretly while on a five year DMP

105 replies

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 07:27

Going to start off by saying in dyslexic. So I can't spell.

Dh has two months left on a five year dmp for £48,000 of debt he kept secret from mand I had to dig and dig to find out about.

He earns 29k a year.

I was noticing that he he smoking cigarettes again not roll ups and occasionally had money to buy things when earlier in the month saying he was skint. I asked him just before Christmas to show me his finances but he kept putting me off and swearing he had no new debt. I have asked and asked so today he told me he had spent 6k on new tools. Didn't tell as he knew I'd go mental. He is a tradesman but employee so no need to buy tools.i was shouting at him so my 15 year old heard, I have been hiding his dad debt from all the kids, but in a moment of red fog I told ds what dh has done.

I made dh show me in front of ds and he has in fact been spending on adverage £40-£50 per day (50% of his net income ) on the lottery and iTunes and fans.

He never told me what the previous 48k went on. He was lying right up to each statement was pulled up on the PC. He has got a new phone and not once mentioned any spending with me.

He has been extremely angry with our eldest recently and totally disengaged with me and increasingly family life.

For the first time ever he didn't get us cards, didn't get involved with food or present buying. If I need his help he will also increasingly get defensive so I try to avoid doing so. I do all the life and kids admin. He says he didn't help at Christmas as overwhelmed in his job.

Now I know partly why he is so angry and distant but not sure if there's more to come out. He seems to be a pathological lier.

He has offered up no solution. He said he will sort it. I said I need to be involved in how he sorts it out. He said he will seek help but never has before. He is very selfish. Very arrogant. Thinks he is a victim and I know he wants to shift the blame to me.

Another dmp won't work. Personally I'd like a divorce and to split 100% from him financially for a start. The only other option I would consider is him giving me 100% control of all his money and close all of his accounts. My ds is begging me not to leave him.

There's been no apology of course. There wasn't with the dmp. I had to drag one out of him which took a month. He said eventually he felt sick at his actions but that all clearly bullshit. So remorseful he has got a new card and maxed it out as soon as he could get the credit.

He seems so angry with me. We have had the house as cold as 6 degrees to save on heating costs.

My gut says wait for his "solution' to see how pathetic it is. Will probably suggest he keeps all his accounts invisible to me. I can't do that. At which point ì start divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 12:41

Sandunesandseashells · 08/01/2023 11:57

Change your password on Amazon and log out of all devices. He can make his own account if he needs one and add his own card on it.

My details are saved on his account. He has told me this card is only since September just under 7k in four months. He didn't pay a penny towards Christmas.

OP posts:
LIZS · 08/01/2023 12:42

Either remove the card details or cancel the card.

Sandunesandseashells · 08/01/2023 12:58

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 12:41

My details are saved on his account. He has told me this card is only since September just under 7k in four months. He didn't pay a penny towards Christmas.

Show quote history

If your card details are saved on his account, tell your bank/cc company that your card is lost so that it is cancelled with immediate effect. Withdraw cash if you need to first to cover the period before your new card arrives.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/01/2023 12:59

LIZS · 08/01/2023 12:42

Either remove the card details or cancel the card.

Yes, good advice. Is the card in his name or yours?
I recall a friend signing a form financially dissociating herself from her husbands debts. Debt collectors were coming to the door due to him running up credit card debt. I don’t know how she did it, Possibly through Experian or maybe online. It will be worth you looking into.

Sandunesandseashells · 08/01/2023 13:03

I’m assuming that he hasn’t run up 7k debt on your card as you would have known from statements. If he’s ordered stuff with your name on the delivery details that won’t make you liable for the debt.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/01/2023 13:04

Sorry I’m bombarding you…Look at the website ‘Checkmyfile’ it tells you how to dissociate yourself financially from his debts.

Broadswordcalling · 08/01/2023 13:14

Are you he's not on an IVA not a DMP? A DMP does not add up - 48k over 60 months = 800 pm Let's presume he went to a company that doesn't charge fees.. he would then have to have all interest and charges stopped for the duration by each creditor. Not guaranteed. He would have had to have done an income and expenditure and given his income 800 would never have been accepted by any reputable Debt management company as they are heavily regulated by the FCA.

An IVA is much more likely - this is a legally binding agreement.. he would pay a certain amount each month for 5 years and then at the end of the term the remaining debt would be written off. If he is racking up debt whilst on an IVA the creditors can then enforce the full amount of the debt and even bankrupt him. If it is an IVA (and I really think it will be) then your property will be looked at too. You should have signed documents when he first engaged with the process. I hope he hasn't forged your signature.

You need to look in to this urgently my love.

comfortablylesslumpy · 08/01/2023 13:19

I suspect you will be best to file for divorce ASAP - how soon can you see a solicitor?

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 13:30

Broadswordcalling · 08/01/2023 13:14

Are you he's not on an IVA not a DMP? A DMP does not add up - 48k over 60 months = 800 pm Let's presume he went to a company that doesn't charge fees.. he would then have to have all interest and charges stopped for the duration by each creditor. Not guaranteed. He would have had to have done an income and expenditure and given his income 800 would never have been accepted by any reputable Debt management company as they are heavily regulated by the FCA.

An IVA is much more likely - this is a legally binding agreement.. he would pay a certain amount each month for 5 years and then at the end of the term the remaining debt would be written off. If he is racking up debt whilst on an IVA the creditors can then enforce the full amount of the debt and even bankrupt him. If it is an IVA (and I really think it will be) then your property will be looked at too. You should have signed documents when he first engaged with the process. I hope he hasn't forged your signature.

You need to look in to this urgently my love.

I'm pretty sure it's a dmp. Yes all interest was frozen as he had defaults. It's definitely a dmp, I can't see how he has got this card with a £6500 limit and been able to max it out in just four months. At the very least it needs to be added to his dmp. Talking to him isn't going in. I'm contemplating getting a hotel hundreds of miles away for a week as I honestly want to punch his stupid face in right now. He is going to sort it. He says

OP posts:
Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 13:32

comfortablylesslumpy · 08/01/2023 13:19

I suspect you will be best to file for divorce ASAP - how soon can you see a solicitor?

I could look for a solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
Nagado · 08/01/2023 13:36

If you have a 19 year old, do you think it might be an idea to check their credit records too?

AnotherEmma · 08/01/2023 13:40

Why would you give him the opportunity to present a "solution"? Why would you offer to micromanage him when that clearly isn't going to work? He's an adult with no remorse and no interest in change. You don't love or respect him any more. So stop flogging a dead horse and start divorce proceedings. You will need a good solicitor. There's lots of helpful advice here:
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

unsync · 08/01/2023 13:44

Leave, it's no way to live. Start proceedings ASAP. Let all your lenders know you are separated. Check your credit score.

I was abused financially by my ex and even when he left, he was still using the marital home (even after it was sold) to obtain credit and my details were coming up in hard searches. I wrote all the credit agencies to make sure that all financial links were severed.

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 14:07

Nagado · 08/01/2023 13:36

If you have a 19 year old, do you think it might be an idea to check their credit records too?

Hadn't thought of that, I will do. But he will go ballistic if he finds out. I could imagine him thumping dh even though he has never er hit anyone

OP posts:
Bronnau · 08/01/2023 14:40

Bloody hell OP, just reading this makes me feel anxious, I really hope you're okay. I know it's difficult but honestly, I promise you that once you become independent from this man, you will feel so, so much lighter. You'll have periods of thinking you've forgotten something important, and then you'll remember that that something is constant worry.
I am sympathetic to addiction of all kinds, but the fact that he's not on his hands and knees begging for your forgiveness is an indication that he's not just a financial disaster, but is also a bastard and doesn't care about the feelings or lifestyle that you and your children are having to endure. He will apologise once he realises that his support is disappearing and that he actually has to face the music himself. You've taken on a carer role financially and you're getting no thanks for it. It's not on OP.
Big hugs to you. This must be really really shit.

Alwaysworryingoversomething · 08/01/2023 14:54

Nothing helpful to add in terms of advice but you sound like a lovely person going through a hell of a time. I hope you get things sorted as quickly and painlessly as possible.

category12 · 08/01/2023 15:07

I think you can only be held liable for his debt if you can be shown to have benefitted from it.

So spending on himself/gambling whatever under his own name is his problem, especially if unsecured.

If he was buying household items/paying bills/shared assets, then you might be. But doesn't seem the case here.

I think it's time to divorce him - you don't even seem to like him, so why stay? He doesn't seem to like you much either. Your dc obviously fear the change, but it's their futures that are affected too if he drags you under financially.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/01/2023 16:03

Go on to credit karma. It's really easy and will give you alerts for any new credit checks. You can also link him.

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 16:06

Yes he can't stand me I don't think..I have explained to him that gradually over the years of his lieing and debt I have just increasingly found him replusive. My mind boggles at how anyone could expect their wife to love / like them.after lieing so much about something so major.

He has only engaged with me when I have approached him today. I have asked him how he could max out a credit card just before Christmas but still buy not one item.of food or one present

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/01/2023 16:18

I'd just stop engaging with him. He's only going to see you as a barrier to what he wants now. If he comes up with a 'solution' it will just be bullshit to get you to stop bothering him. Reminds me very much of my parents.

See that solicitor tomorrow and start untangling your life from his.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/01/2023 16:19

Dump him but stop burdening your teen with this. There's nothing he can do about the debt/lying situation and it's traumatizing. Lifelong scars.

mumofone2019 · 08/01/2023 19:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 21:59

I have been out for five hours this evening but there's is still no plan. He has worked it all out but not shared that with me or written it down so probably spent five hours gambling and applying for more cards. I have seen his experion, his dmp, the credit card statements and one of his current accounts

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 08/01/2023 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 23:53

No I really don't have firm plans yet. I have told him to phone step change ASAP in the morning and ask about irresponsible leading. I have three kids with ehcps and SEN and this really couldn't have come at a worse time for me. My mental health is totally shot.
The only thing that would make sense would be to split and make sure he can not put changes on the mortgage.
I will try to do my experian credit check and the mortgage tomorrow as a start. See about finding a solicitor later in the week. I don't love him. I don't think I have liked him for years really now. He has nothing to offer at all. He is just a pathetic human being in every respect.

OP posts: