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Original poster

Dh has acquired my credit card debt secretly while on a five year DMP

105 replies

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 07:27

Going to start off by saying in dyslexic. So I can't spell.

Dh has two months left on a five year dmp for £48,000 of debt he kept secret from mand I had to dig and dig to find out about.

He earns 29k a year.

I was noticing that he he smoking cigarettes again not roll ups and occasionally had money to buy things when earlier in the month saying he was skint. I asked him just before Christmas to show me his finances but he kept putting me off and swearing he had no new debt. I have asked and asked so today he told me he had spent 6k on new tools. Didn't tell as he knew I'd go mental. He is a tradesman but employee so no need to buy tools.i was shouting at him so my 15 year old heard, I have been hiding his dad debt from all the kids, but in a moment of red fog I told ds what dh has done.

I made dh show me in front of ds and he has in fact been spending on adverage £40-£50 per day (50% of his net income ) on the lottery and iTunes and fans.

He never told me what the previous 48k went on. He was lying right up to each statement was pulled up on the PC. He has got a new phone and not once mentioned any spending with me.

He has been extremely angry with our eldest recently and totally disengaged with me and increasingly family life.

For the first time ever he didn't get us cards, didn't get involved with food or present buying. If I need his help he will also increasingly get defensive so I try to avoid doing so. I do all the life and kids admin. He says he didn't help at Christmas as overwhelmed in his job.

Now I know partly why he is so angry and distant but not sure if there's more to come out. He seems to be a pathological lier.

He has offered up no solution. He said he will sort it. I said I need to be involved in how he sorts it out. He said he will seek help but never has before. He is very selfish. Very arrogant. Thinks he is a victim and I know he wants to shift the blame to me.

Another dmp won't work. Personally I'd like a divorce and to split 100% from him financially for a start. The only other option I would consider is him giving me 100% control of all his money and close all of his accounts. My ds is begging me not to leave him.

There's been no apology of course. There wasn't with the dmp. I had to drag one out of him which took a month. He said eventually he felt sick at his actions but that all clearly bullshit. So remorseful he has got a new card and maxed it out as soon as he could get the credit.

He seems so angry with me. We have had the house as cold as 6 degrees to save on heating costs.

My gut says wait for his "solution' to see how pathetic it is. Will probably suggest he keeps all his accounts invisible to me. I can't do that. At which point ì start divorce.

OP posts:
Daisiesunderblueskies · 08/01/2023 08:59

You could inform mortgage company but if you are tenants in common you should need both your signatures on any changes to the agreement. I didn’t know this and panicked at the time but I wouldn’t have put in above my ex to forge mine so wanted a note on the account to say that I did not give my permission for any changes to our agreement. It gave me some reassurance until he was completely cut from me financially.

It sounds like he needs professional help with his addictions and to be honest, this has happened before, if you are being truly honest with yourself, do you really see this being his lightbulb moment and changing for good? If not, aren’t you just kicking the can down the road? I’d speak to a solicitor, let them advise you on what the implications are and what would happen next if you were to separate

NoSquirrels · 08/01/2023 09:03

He’s a gambling addict.

I think divorce is your least worst option.

Sagcbots · 08/01/2023 09:07

OP keeping an eye on his finances is no way for you to live. You will constantly be worried, feeling sick, everytime you log on to look. It will always be at the back of your mind to be looking out for things that may or may not be there. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it doesn’t sound like he contributes much to the quality of your life - if he is showing no remorse now, that’s a big disrespect to you.

Emelene · 08/01/2023 09:17

There are NHS gambling clinics around the country and some accept self referral - worth a google if you think he would accept help? All the best OP, it sounds really difficult.

Cornishclio · 08/01/2023 09:20

It doesn't sound like he wants to sort this out and he is obviously an addict. How are your finances organised? Are the bills paid from a joint account?

I agree there is no future with a man like this. Are you financially independent and do you have joint debt other than the mortgage?

Crikeyalmighty · 08/01/2023 09:21

Sorry OP but he's a waste of space-just end it. I'm sorry your son will be upset but that's life I'm afraid- it's not full of only happy nice things in the real world.

nancydroo · 08/01/2023 09:21

Get legal advice and then leave him. Complete loser. Feel sorry for the next lady who gets lumbered with him. Can't believe what he wasted his money on

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 08/01/2023 09:21

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 07:27

Going to start off by saying in dyslexic. So I can't spell.

Dh has two months left on a five year dmp for £48,000 of debt he kept secret from mand I had to dig and dig to find out about.

He earns 29k a year.

I was noticing that he he smoking cigarettes again not roll ups and occasionally had money to buy things when earlier in the month saying he was skint. I asked him just before Christmas to show me his finances but he kept putting me off and swearing he had no new debt. I have asked and asked so today he told me he had spent 6k on new tools. Didn't tell as he knew I'd go mental. He is a tradesman but employee so no need to buy tools.i was shouting at him so my 15 year old heard, I have been hiding his dad debt from all the kids, but in a moment of red fog I told ds what dh has done.

I made dh show me in front of ds and he has in fact been spending on adverage £40-£50 per day (50% of his net income ) on the lottery and iTunes and fans.

He never told me what the previous 48k went on. He was lying right up to each statement was pulled up on the PC. He has got a new phone and not once mentioned any spending with me.

He has been extremely angry with our eldest recently and totally disengaged with me and increasingly family life.

For the first time ever he didn't get us cards, didn't get involved with food or present buying. If I need his help he will also increasingly get defensive so I try to avoid doing so. I do all the life and kids admin. He says he didn't help at Christmas as overwhelmed in his job.

Now I know partly why he is so angry and distant but not sure if there's more to come out. He seems to be a pathological lier.

He has offered up no solution. He said he will sort it. I said I need to be involved in how he sorts it out. He said he will seek help but never has before. He is very selfish. Very arrogant. Thinks he is a victim and I know he wants to shift the blame to me.

Another dmp won't work. Personally I'd like a divorce and to split 100% from him financially for a start. The only other option I would consider is him giving me 100% control of all his money and close all of his accounts. My ds is begging me not to leave him.

There's been no apology of course. There wasn't with the dmp. I had to drag one out of him which took a month. He said eventually he felt sick at his actions but that all clearly bullshit. So remorseful he has got a new card and maxed it out as soon as he could get the credit.

He seems so angry with me. We have had the house as cold as 6 degrees to save on heating costs.

My gut says wait for his "solution' to see how pathetic it is. Will probably suggest he keeps all his accounts invisible to me. I can't do that. At which point ì start divorce.

Divorce him and remove any links to him financially, I would report him for fraud and theft tbh.

AngelinaFibres · 08/01/2023 09:21

It will only get worse. My exhusband sounds exactly like your husband. He was an alcoholic. He cheated. If he saw something he wanted he bought it. It didn't matter that we had a baby and a toddler. Mountain bike ...tick, motorbike...tick....Levi jeans in every colour ...tick. We had bailiffs round because he had ignored poll tax payments and the final warning letters whilst I was in hospital with constant HG. My maternity pay went to pay off his credit card bill to get us back on an even keel. It was incredibly stressful. He is currently being divorced by his second wife. He stole an enormous (well over half a million) from people he was supposedly investing it for. Court proceedings are on going. She is named. He is living separately from his second family and spending and spending and spending. They don't change Op. I took over all the finances in our marriage, checked receipts, bank statements, everything to try to keep us safe. He found and took our Halifax savings book without telling me ( family allowance went in it every month to pay bills) and removed £200 to buy crap. He said to me "I didn't ask because I knew you'd say no. So I just did it". In the end the need to spend and the inability to do so led him to leave with his 17 year old mistress ( now the wife who is divorcing him ). She drank, smoked and spent , as you do when you are free and young. He was 32 .He has bankrupted her. It was 26 years ago. No Internet then. I dread to think what his level of spending would have been if he could have shopped 24 hours a day or gambled, or accessed porn sites. Get out now Op for your own sake and that if your son. It will never get better

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/01/2023 09:22

Why are you still talking about solutions? He's a waster and you're wasting your life on him

PearlclutchersInc · 08/01/2023 09:32

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 08:42

Do I need to inform mortgage company just in case? I was telling him how worried I was about the heating. He has never said ever he worries about the bills.

I'm going to give him until the end of today to give me his "solution" then tell him mine. We was supposed to start down paying our mortgage when the dmp finished, he simply does not want the same things as me. I think he needs to keep one account in his name to attach his debts to, I would need full access to it. I need his experience log on. He needs to be signed up with the gp, dmp and gambling charity by this time next week and if not I will start divorce next month. I would rather just divorce him and split assets but I don't want to loose my house. Maybe if we are tennants in common he could only gamble away half of the house? I think I need a solicitor

Hard though it may be; for the security of both your children and yourself you need to visit a solicitor and your mortgage provider and go through the financial issues as soon as you can and then divorce.

schnauzerbeard · 08/01/2023 09:33

Was he paying £800 a month to his £48k dmp? Has he definitely been making the monthly payments? Seems a lot if he earns £100 a day?

MadeForThis · 08/01/2023 09:36

You need to leave. He has no respect for you or the family. He only cares about himself.

What positive things does he bring to your life?

Imagine the relief of not having to worry about his lies and deceit.

Definitely do a credit check on yourself.

lokijet · 08/01/2023 09:44

Speak to your bank now as any joint accounts you are jointly and severally liable ie they xan come after you for amou ts on joibt accoubt or can take credurs on joint accounts to pay off his accounts

Explain the situation and adk them tostop any joint arrangments

Plannerspannermanners · 08/01/2023 10:03

The kicker here is him being annoyed with you. Seething? Why? Because you called him out on his shitty behaviour?! What have you done wrong? Nothing! He’s a wrong ‘un, as a PP said, and the best thing you can do is get rid and enjoy life without him, the little weasel.

orangegato · 08/01/2023 10:11

Do you own a house with him? Please god no. Divorce now not in the next 10, 20 50k debt he subjects you to. Run, don’t walk.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/01/2023 10:17

How an earth did he get credit while on a DMP? That shouldn't of been possible.

icelolly12 · 08/01/2023 10:17

He's lying to you and secretive and an addict. Get out now!!

Robotcustard · 08/01/2023 10:32

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but he’s racked up debts on a new credit card? Has he lied to the credit card company in order to take out a new card or is the new card in your name?

SquishyGloopyBum · 08/01/2023 10:43

Sorry op. If you stay together you are just going to be enabling him. A DMP and he still gambles/creates debt? He doesn't want to change.

Divorce him. For your own sake.

TrentCrimm · 08/01/2023 10:49

Don't waste your time or energy OP, this is already dead in the water because he doesn't WANT to change.

This isn't a last chance scenario with someone desperate for help to change their behaviour. Your husband keeps doing this because he feels entitled to do it, and will continue to feel entitled whilst there are lines of credit open to him. If you're still with him and financially linked to him when the credit runs out, you and your children will be fucked.

monsteramunch · 08/01/2023 10:53

PLEASE check your credit rating OP, today Flowers

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 08/01/2023 11:04

ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 08:42

Do I need to inform mortgage company just in case? I was telling him how worried I was about the heating. He has never said ever he worries about the bills.

I'm going to give him until the end of today to give me his "solution" then tell him mine. We was supposed to start down paying our mortgage when the dmp finished, he simply does not want the same things as me. I think he needs to keep one account in his name to attach his debts to, I would need full access to it. I need his experience log on. He needs to be signed up with the gp, dmp and gambling charity by this time next week and if not I will start divorce next month. I would rather just divorce him and split assets but I don't want to loose my house. Maybe if we are tennants in common he could only gamble away half of the house? I think I need a solicitor

If mortgage and property are in joint names I think you should be ok, but you could always add a charge on the property to be sure. However he can still run up unsecured loans which could be counted as marital debt and that could reduce the equity available to share.

Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 11:09

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/01/2023 10:17

How an earth did he get credit while on a DMP? That shouldn't of been possible.

I know! How mind boggling is it?

i fiorceced him to log onto experion and his credit score is really low. He has defaults on his previous debts. Once they got to 48k he couldn't maintain repayments!No joint accounts, again shut them 5 years ago when he got an overdraft on it without my permission and wracked that up. we only have a joint mortgage.

We needed to be x years clear of the dmp snd defaults to get a mortgage. He knew this but did this anyway.

If can couldn't learn from the dmp and can still get credit there's no answers. What I don't and can't find out is overdrafts on current accounts. He has opened up a few of those too.

Five years ago I was looking at buying a house to extend in the village to be closer to school. Aoff larm bells went Off when he got aggressive with me when I mentioned getting financial advice about moving.

It's so much money I asked if he's paying cms. My mind boggles but £40 a day gambling would also wrack up fast

OP posts:
Original poster
ThomasWaghornsConeHat · 08/01/2023 11:10

Robotcustard · 08/01/2023 10:32

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding, but he’s racked up debts on a new credit card? Has he lied to the credit card company in order to take out a new card or is the new card in your name?

It's his card in his name but obviously I need to check my credit ratings. God knows how he got it

OP posts: