Dh has acquired my credit card debt secretly while on a five year DMP

[ThomasWaghornsConeHat]

Going to start off by saying in dyslexic. So I can't spell.

Dh has two months left on a five year dmp for £48,000 of debt he kept secret from mand I had to dig and dig to find out about.

He earns 29k a year.

I was noticing that he he smoking cigarettes again not roll ups and occasionally had money to buy things when earlier in the month saying he was skint. I asked him just before Christmas to show me his finances but he kept putting me off and swearing he had no new debt. I have asked and asked so today he told me he had spent 6k on new tools. Didn't tell as he knew I'd go mental. He is a tradesman but employee so no need to buy tools.i was shouting at him so my 15 year old heard, I have been hiding his dad debt from all the kids, but in a moment of red fog I told ds what dh has done.

I made dh show me in front of ds and he has in fact been spending on adverage £40-£50 per day (50% of his net income ) on the lottery and iTunes and fans.

He never told me what the previous 48k went on. He was lying right up to each statement was pulled up on the PC. He has got a new phone and not once mentioned any spending with me.

He has been extremely angry with our eldest recently and totally disengaged with me and increasingly family life.

For the first time ever he didn't get us cards, didn't get involved with food or present buying. If I need his help he will also increasingly get defensive so I try to avoid doing so. I do all the life and kids admin. He says he didn't help at Christmas as overwhelmed in his job.

Now I know partly why he is so angry and distant but not sure if there's more to come out. He seems to be a pathological lier.

He has offered up no solution. He said he will sort it. I said I need to be involved in how he sorts it out. He said he will seek help but never has before. He is very selfish. Very arrogant. Thinks he is a victim and I know he wants to shift the blame to me.

Another dmp won't work. Personally I'd like a divorce and to split 100% from him financially for a start. The only other option I would consider is him giving me 100% control of all his money and close all of his accounts. My ds is begging me not to leave him.

There's been no apology of course. There wasn't with the dmp. I had to drag one out of him which took a month. He said eventually he felt sick at his actions but that all clearly bullshit. So remorseful he has got a new card and maxed it out as soon as he could get the credit.

He seems so angry with me. We have had the house as cold as 6 degrees to save on heating costs.

My gut says wait for his "solution' to see how pathetic it is. Will probably suggest he keeps all his accounts invisible to me. I can't do that. At which point ì start divorce.

Financial infidelity is a completely legitimate reason to divorce. This is infidelity.

I hope you can get free of this quickly :(

I'm really wanting to move out today. It's really tough as we have kids and after school clubs but I think I need some space. I'm going to pack up some stuff during the day, wait for the socail worker to call and then go as soon as the kids get in from school..

There is still no signs of remorse and defensiveness. Exactly like five years ago

Yes, make him move out.

I’m no expert but isn’t it a bit more than a gambling addiction ? New phone, ITunes, 6k on tools you don’t need (!!). I don’t much about general spending addiction though, but it doesn’t seem like ‘just’ gambling.

Smoking may be a bit different, I smoke since I got PTSD, but yes I buy the rolled up ones, and I have YouTube Music (very cheap) because music soothes me, but that’s just it. Even my long term psychiatrist (which implies I have seeked help) said not to pressure myself to stop smoking immediately because I’m fingers crossed coping better with anxiety medication and general coping mechanisms. He does give me prescriptions for free nicotine patches though, they actually do help a bit. Sorry this was a bit long, it was just to give a MH perspective, although I do of course know all addictions are different, well even alcoholics will tend to buy the cheapest big bottle of vodka, not rack up debt this way.

Sorry that was very long, it was just to say I’m sorry I really don’t think you’ll be able to sort this out with encouraging him to sign up to a gambling addiction support network. And I’m usually a strong optimistic (including addictions, I’ve been volunteering with children in care for over a decade, these are some of the situations that come up, honestly it can be easier when it’s one thing like gambling only) but there is much too much money involved, and your children’s futures involved, especially one with a disability. If you still had feelings for him I would still encourage divorce until he gets it all sorted, in this case, you really need a solicitor and check everyone’s credits asap. Does your 19yo work, can he or your parents/siblings lend you very urgently money for a solicitor ?

To answer your previous question, although I think PP already have, my debit cards are all saved on my computer, all my accounts etc as are my mum’s, and vice versa. We don’t use them, it’s just in case of an emergency. You need legal advice (don’t forget to keep at least one card working when you cancel all the rest, changing passwords isn’t enough sometimes, then when you receive the new ones cancel the remaining one).

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but you need to act fast legally. Really wish you the best.