Need some hope - thirties and single, want a baby

[singleandsad]

I turned 32 a few days ago, and i'm suddenly really feeling the pressure to find someone as I want a baby. Its the one thing in life i've always wanted, to be a mum.

But it feels so hopeless. I have tried in the past, online dating, going out. I just never meet anyone. I've had two relationships, both fairly short. One at 21 and one at 26. Both times ended due to their lack of interest, although initially it was them who pursued me.

I used to get more attention from men in my late teens and early twenties. And apart from the obvious aging, nothing has massively changed about my appearance, I'm still the same size. I am slim, people tell me I have a nice figure. I wear makeup, am presentable. Just nobody ever seems to fancy me. My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's' but this never happens to me. I tend to fancy the more normal, down to earth, average type, and still they don't seem to have interest in me.

Online dating is so difficult. It just feels so forced from both sides. I have been on 4 dates this year. The 2 of them I wanted to see again both fell off the radar and the 2 I didn't like wanted to see me again. How typical!

I'm at a stage also where I prefer going out for dinner or a cosy night in with a friend rather than clubs or bars, which I guess also limits my chances.

I suppose I want to hear from people who were in my position, who went on to meet someone and have children. I feel like time is running out.

@anthurium you are absolutely right. I myself underwent 9 cycles of IVF before conceiving naturally but I had an infertility diagnosis. Neither route would be easy by any stretch of the imagination if the OP were to consider either I'd advise going in with your eyes open.

I heard about epigenetics on a podcast, and I have a close friend considering DE due to POF. I could never say if it was something I would’ve considered had I had fertility issues, as I have no idea. I don’t think it’s as problematic as some posters do on here, but I suppose I take umbrage if (for example) a couple spend 10 years together, only try for a baby at the 11th hour then fall back on DE because it turns out they’re not as fertile as they thought at 40/41. That just seems like complicating the child’s life for the sake of a few years of holidays.

I agree @Cuppasoupmonster I was about to post earlier but you said it better. OP has time so it's hardly doom mongering to be honest.

She has enough time to have children, but it's not a good idea to gamble that because a Mumsnet get said that their cousins sisters friend had 3 in her 40s.

Think some people don't want to feel their choices are being attacked I.e. having children older. We see everyday on here how many people struggle with fertility, of course you shouldn't delay.

You have said you are presentable and I get the feeling probably nice.

Many women are presentable and nice, it’s a baseline and being nice is not actually as helpful as women think. I think women value niceness more than men.

Everyone has slightly different attributes to their skill set for instance my SIL is an excellent yachtswoman and horse rider. I am not a great sailor as get seasick on smaller boats and I am a bit scared of horses. But I had a motorbike when younger, she has never been on one, I took martial arts for quite a few years. I remember being a bit tipsy then BF now DH begged me to do some moves so I gave him a demo on about date 3 in a car park, we still laugh about that.

Online dating for me too but you need to be going on at least 1 date a month preferably 2!! It's a numbers game - the more dates you go on the more chances statistically that you will like each other!

It's not really a numbers game it's completely random! You could be on there for years and not meet anyone or strike lucky on your first date. There is no logic to it. Trying to apply some sort of formula is just deluding yourself. Effort doesn't necessarily equal reward.

I do have to go through counselling sessions with the clinic before I was accepted, giving my reasons for wanting an egg donation - so I guess ethical considerations are made there/we were assessed. Yes you are right, and I am perhaps a bit over positive about the whole process, but it has worked so well for us as a family. I think the clinic wouldn’t accept those who are doing it for potentially the wrong reasons.

To meet a great partner, yes you have plenty of time. I met my partner aged 35 after years and years of being single and crap dating (now 38 about to have our first baby), my sister met hers at 36, I have a friend who had never had a relationship or even sex at 36, who married the love of his life aged 45.

To have a child, maybe not that much time. Some women get pregnant without difficulty in their late 30s or 40s but others not. The thing is, nobody can really know your future fertility, not even having a fertility MOT. My sister started TTC aged 38, 2 years ago and it's not happening, while it took me 3 months of TTC before getting pregnant, hardly younger than her when she started. So I think it's not unwise, and not too early to start planning and considering back-up plans (freezing eggs, single motherhood, platonic coparenting...). Here are some of my advices:

• You say you can't afford to freeze eggs, but could you consider a freeze and share scheme, where you have the procedure for free and donate half the eggs harvested, and keep half for yourself. I did that at your age, it's not ideal as I had to do the procedure twice and didn't even get a decent amount of eggs, but it did give some peace of mind for a small price. There is an age limit to that scheme, though.

• Keep doing online dating, that's how many of us met our partner, but also do activities and hobbies. Try the meetup website also, lots of singles there.

• I know it might be easier said than done, but try to enjoy being single and childfree while you can. Go on short trips, travels, music festivals and adventures, even if it is by yourself. Try new things or activities you ahve never tried before. When you meet someone, you will have less time to enjoy life as a couple before embarking on parenthood, and then you may regret having spent most of your 30's being anxious about finding someone rather than having fun before becoming a mum (again I know it's easier said than done, when you're not even sure that will happen). Being an older mum has its advantages and disadvantages (in my case a more exhausting and complicated pregnancy), however if you spend most of your 30's being anxious about finding a partner rather than enjoying life, you may get the worst of both worlds.

singleandsad,
I feel your pain, even though I'm a guy. No advice, no strategies, just keep the head up and hope for the best. Very difficult.

I think you need to let the worry go. Enjoy being in your thirties because it only lasts another eight years! Do things you enjoy. Menfolk and babies will come when the universe wants them to. And when you least expect it.
I wouldn't be doing a major strategy of X dates via online dating per week, must meet someone. It just puts unnatural pressure on encounters and relationships.

A lot of people meet significant others through work or learning environments or through friends.
I know someone who met his wife at a language class and someone else who met her husband at a book lovers' group. But do stuff cos you're interested in it, not just to meet Mr Right.

But just because it (meeting significant others) happened for other people it is impossible to guarantee that the same will happen for op too.
Enjoying your thirties when you want to have a family because you've done all the "enjoying" such as holidays and going out etc - nothing will truly replace that yearning. If op wanted to enjoy her 30s, she wouldn't be posting about her desire to have a family. Seriously consider solo parenting, get fertility checks done, enquire about egg freezing/embryo freezing. Be aware of your current fertility situation. Be proactive and don't let your fertility clock be run down due to a lack of a partner.

But she won't be supporting baby on her own will she? She wants to have a partner.
How privileged of you to think that single people can easily spend thousands of pounds for egg freezing on top of saving for a baby.

I met my partner a week before I turned 37. I gave birth to our baby at 41. We did need IVF but I had known fertility issues so would have needed it at any age.

This is an awful thing to admit- but I settled , had two kids and then we split
its all rather painful to contemplate , but if this is what you want set some deadlines and if you havnt met anyone - do it alone

you are young , some time to save up and get mentally ready ?
and I hope you meet someone
bit have a plan B

That's very supportive of you x

It’s not for everyone, but some people do egg freezing for (close to) free by donating half the eggs from their cycle. I had known at 32 what I know now, I would have given that some serious thought.

What do you actually do work and hobby wise? The more you get out and about the more people you meet and the bigger the network of connections. What sort of stories do you have to tell and how easily can you strike up and keep a conversation flowing?

Don’t fixate on just wanting a baby, enjoy your life and never say no to an invite as long as it’s safe obviously. My anecdote is I was not looking but I did start to date DH at 32 and was married and had DS by 34. Neither marriage or babies was on my priority list at all as had just retrained in a new career. That new career and a move to another city led me to meet DH.

Tell us what you like doing and genuinely enjoy because a lot of my friends are now divorcing and really they had nothing in common with their husbands ever. One had a DH that was massively sporty, she isn’t at all, one is a social butterfly and loves entertaining and her DH is an introvert that avoids people at all costs and lockdown meant he has embraced that side of himself totally. The other endured camping holidays for 20 years, turns out she hates camping with a passion.

Every single post like this over the years has women writing the two things they think are their biggest assets I’m slim and I’m nice. What of you? Your actual mind the things that excite your brain, that get the blood pumping if physical or the mind racing if a subject you love?

I was single at 32 and wanting a child. Met DH at 36 and had baby at 38.

@singleandsad My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's'

Find new friends who don't say this. This phrase is embarassing and needs to stop.

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