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Original poster

Need some hope - thirties and single, want a baby

150 replies

singleandsad · 07/01/2023 22:06

I turned 32 a few days ago, and i'm suddenly really feeling the pressure to find someone as I want a baby. Its the one thing in life i've always wanted, to be a mum.

But it feels so hopeless. I have tried in the past, online dating, going out. I just never meet anyone. I've had two relationships, both fairly short. One at 21 and one at 26. Both times ended due to their lack of interest, although initially it was them who pursued me.

I used to get more attention from men in my late teens and early twenties. And apart from the obvious aging, nothing has massively changed about my appearance, I'm still the same size. I am slim, people tell me I have a nice figure. I wear makeup, am presentable. Just nobody ever seems to fancy me. My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's' but this never happens to me. I tend to fancy the more normal, down to earth, average type, and still they don't seem to have interest in me.

Online dating is so difficult. It just feels so forced from both sides. I have been on 4 dates this year. The 2 of them I wanted to see again both fell off the radar and the 2 I didn't like wanted to see me again. How typical!

I'm at a stage also where I prefer going out for dinner or a cosy night in with a friend rather than clubs or bars, which I guess also limits my chances.

I suppose I want to hear from people who were in my position, who went on to meet someone and have children. I feel like time is running out.

OP posts:
anthurium · 08/01/2023 22:49

I'm a solo mum by choice and had my son using IVF and a sperm donor. Although I went on multiple dates in my 30s and was even married at one point, I never met anyone I actually wanted to have a child with (although when younger I'd never thought it would be an issue to meet someone suitable). Not everyone ends up following the "conventional", but for me the lack of a partner didn't need to equal remaining childless.

janeseymour78 · 08/01/2023 22:58

Barleysugar86 · 07/01/2023 23:01

I met my now husband at 31, after spending all of my twenties with nothing really going anywhere. Online dating wasn't doing anything, and we met in the course of normal boring life. The funny thing is I'd never have considered him when online dating, as he is shorter than me and I was quite picky about that. I think it's hard to really work out who is your time from profiles as its all so based on looks/ photos/ meaningless statistics. I think sparks are elusive and hard to predict unless you are in person with someone.

Having said that I've known couples now married who met that way, so it does work for some. Don't lose heart OP. Enjoy the time you can to travel and have hobbies as they go quick once kids come along. Six years later we are married with two kids - it moves fast once you do find the right person at this age I find!

I'm 31 and feel similarly OP.

I think it's a good idea to do online dating and hobbies/putting yourself out there in person. An example is I recently met a guy at a hobby I'd first seen online and thought he was average. But wow when I met him face to face the chemistry hit me in the face and he was more handsome than photos.

Unfortunately someone who 'liked' me on Tinder is in the same group and that's more awkward as I didn't reciprocate. Think you just have to get used to saying yes to all invitations too.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 08/01/2023 23:08

StarsSand · 08/01/2023 11:02

Online dating is a numbers game.

Could you set yourself a challenge to go on 5 dates a week for a month? It's a lot less pressure if every date is just one of 20 or so, and if you don't click then - onto the next one.

Could you challenge yourself to go on dates with men you might not normally chose? Someone who isn't your traditional 'type'? Again, nothing to lose if it doesn't work- you'll be out with someone else the next day.

My friend did something like that. Felt really burned by a bad relationship and decided she would get a man to buy her dinner every day for a month, lined up dozens of dates. She had no intention of getting into a relationship, she just wanted to use men for once instead of the other way around. Of course on the first date she met her now husband and they have two children.

This is an appalling idea. No self respecting woman with a good social life/hobbies would have time to go on 5 dates a week! And nobody should be approaching dating with the idea of just getting someone else to pay for their dinner.

OP, you do have time, but not loads of it, so you do need to devote effort to meeting a potential partner and persevering with the dating apps/male hobbies. It absolutely can happen but you need to take proactive steps to tip the odds in your favour.

NibbledSwitch · 08/01/2023 23:09

As others have suggested... you don't need a man to have a baby.

If you really want a child...use a sperm donor.

If you wait for a relationship, the man may not stick around or could be infertile, as could you.. so many variables.

Montague22 · 08/01/2023 23:15

@mrshenny I was the same. I was 27 and they were all mid to late 30s. I felt so young!

SunflowerTed · 08/01/2023 23:20

LaLuz7 · 08/01/2023 10:54

It's only an option if you are a deceiving twat with no moral compass and you are selfish enough not to care whether your baby has a good involved dad

Show quote history

Totally agree

RoseAndGeranium · 08/01/2023 23:31

Oh OP, I really feel for you. It’s such a hard position to be in, and it can feel so hopeless. This was me at 32 as well. I’d dated frantically on OLD (though thankfully it was just websites back then — apps sound even worse) and nothing. I’d got friends to set me up with people. Nothing lasting. I’d joined clubs and attended lectures. Nothing! (Though actually really worth doing in its own right, to be fair.) I’d gone to every party I was invited to (most of which I didn’t really enjoy as I too felt beyond the bar/party stage). Nothing but one super creepy guy who kept showing up at my work after Googling me. All my friends were married or marrying, most had babies. I was about to move to a smaller city for work and expected to have even less chance of finding someone there. I felt bleak!
And then one afternoon I went to a work event, met a guy my boss had mentioned as someone I should get to know for work, tried to network with him…and 8 years later he’s in bed next to me while our second baby sleeps sprawled across my chest. And since then lots of women I know who were single into their early to mid thirties have coupled up and are either having families or on their way there. I can’t say it will definitely happen for you, but I can say that, based on my experience, it is so much more likely that it will than that it won’t.

Lovethatforyou · 08/01/2023 23:40

Met DH at 35, started ttc at 36, had DS at 39. I’ve also had six miscarriages.

If you can afford it freeze embryos (use as perm donor).

Go it alone if you haven’t met anyone by 36 ish…

SuperHandss · 08/01/2023 23:44

I met the love of my live at 36 & we’re TTC now.

Don’t settle. You have plenty of time!

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 23:49

‘Plenty of time’, really? Like I said OP isn’t in the last chance saloon but nor does she have ‘plenty of time’.

SuperHandss · 08/01/2023 23:51

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 23:49

‘Plenty of time’, really? Like I said OP isn’t in the last chance saloon but nor does she have ‘plenty of time’.

She could have a decade or more. That’s PLENTY OF TIME.

Time to consider and not to settle.

Bestcatmum · 08/01/2023 23:52

I brought my son up on my own at 21 and my mother brought me up alone before that. I have friends who have just gone ahead and had a child with sperm donation, they said they didn't want to have a substandard man as a father because they were desperate.
You don't need to have a partner to have a baby any more.
If there is no partner in the near future just make plans to do it on your own.
Neither me nor my DS have ever missed not having a father. We have other relatives and male role models.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 23:55

SuperHandss · 08/01/2023 23:51

She could have a decade or more. That’s PLENTY OF TIME.

Time to consider and not to settle.

Show quote history

No she couldn’t Confused in a decade she will be in her 40s! Let’s be realistic, it’s doing OP a huge disservice to say she’s got ‘plenty of time’. Some time, yes, but not plenty.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 08/01/2023 23:56

@Cuppasoupmonster don't be so mean
. She has still got plenty of time.

Bestcatmum · 08/01/2023 23:57

The friends who never found a man and had sperm donors are beautiful intelligent and professional women. They just said the men on offer were not of a high enough standard.
I get that, I have my own home, I'm good looking, have a high salary. The type of men on offer are just awful.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:00

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 08/01/2023 23:56

@Cuppasoupmonster don't be so mean
. She has still got plenty of time.

It isn’t being mean, it’s being realistic. I’ve seen countless sad posts on here by women who are struggling to conceive because they thought they had all the time in the world and they ‘wish somebody had warned them that they didn’t’.

pitterypattery00 · 09/01/2023 00:01

OP, I met my partner when I was almost 36. We had our child when I was almost 41.

From ages 33-35 I was in a relationship that I thought was 'the one' but with hindsight was a waste of my time (nice guy but commitment phobic). You still have plenty of time, but don't be like me wasting time in relationships that are not going anywhere.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:02

Bestcatmum · 08/01/2023 23:57

The friends who never found a man and had sperm donors are beautiful intelligent and professional women. They just said the men on offer were not of a high enough standard.
I get that, I have my own home, I'm good looking, have a high salary. The type of men on offer are just awful.

Sorry but having a dad, or at least knowing who he is, is far preferable to being conceived via donor. It’s a basic need to know where you came from, and I’ve seen the results in the mental health issues in people close to me who were denied this.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:05

@Cuppasoupmonster not all women will be in the same situation. And the OP asked for people to give her some hope and positivity, not someone doggedly saying about time limits.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:07

Oh she should absolutely be positive, it’s doable - I’m just not sugar coating that if she really wants this, to get out there and start dating, not to relax and carry on staying in because she’s got ‘plenty of time’.

gorillalala · 09/01/2023 00:08

Don't give up hope OP!

I was pretty much in your position too at 32. Had been online dating for ages and had started to give up hope.

Then met my now DH on tinder at 33, just seems like it came out of nowhere. We have two children now - I had them at 36 and 38.

A lot of my NCT group are in their 30s too (a few late 30s). So, not uncommon at all to be having first babies at that age.

Deathbyfluffy · 09/01/2023 00:10

singleandsad · 07/01/2023 22:23

Erm, I can't afford that. I don't think the majority of people could in these times. I also have my own place and bills to afford. Thanks though.

Show quote history

With all due respect, if that’s the reply you choose to focus on (and reply in the tone you did) I can see the issue!

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:10

And if someone really wants a child, a sperm donor is a perfectly okay way of going about it.

I was conceived by a father who patiently didn't give a shit about me. I'd rather forgo that happening to any child I have In the future, thank you very much.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:13

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:10

And if someone really wants a child, a sperm donor is a perfectly okay way of going about it.

I was conceived by a father who patiently didn't give a shit about me. I'd rather forgo that happening to any child I have In the future, thank you very much.

I think it should be a last resort. I’m sorry for your experience with your dad (pretty similar with mine, haven’t seen him in years) but I do think it matters to know who your dad is - a sort of primal need, even if they are a useless tosser. I think it’s easy to dismiss this when you haven’t been through the torment of not knowing.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:20

But the child would have a parent who cared for them, male friends, male relatives, yes there are other options and of course they should be considered too, but I think women who choose to go it alone are incredible and I have massive respect for them.

Put it this way, I would have preferred it if my mother had had me in this way rather than having the biological father and family that I have.