Need some hope - thirties and single, want a baby

[singleandsad]

I turned 32 a few days ago, and i'm suddenly really feeling the pressure to find someone as I want a baby. Its the one thing in life i've always wanted, to be a mum.

But it feels so hopeless. I have tried in the past, online dating, going out. I just never meet anyone. I've had two relationships, both fairly short. One at 21 and one at 26. Both times ended due to their lack of interest, although initially it was them who pursued me.

I used to get more attention from men in my late teens and early twenties. And apart from the obvious aging, nothing has massively changed about my appearance, I'm still the same size. I am slim, people tell me I have a nice figure. I wear makeup, am presentable. Just nobody ever seems to fancy me. My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's' but this never happens to me. I tend to fancy the more normal, down to earth, average type, and still they don't seem to have interest in me.

Online dating is so difficult. It just feels so forced from both sides. I have been on 4 dates this year. The 2 of them I wanted to see again both fell off the radar and the 2 I didn't like wanted to see me again. How typical!

I'm at a stage also where I prefer going out for dinner or a cosy night in with a friend rather than clubs or bars, which I guess also limits my chances.

I suppose I want to hear from people who were in my position, who went on to meet someone and have children. I feel like time is running out.

Have you considered having a child as a single parent, do you have family nearby who could help? I have two friends in similar situations as you who decided to adopt as a single parent, and go down the donor sperm route and do IVF. Both routes very stressful so you would need a good support network, but both are now very happy with their little families. No denying it's hard though, I have the utmost respect for them x

Of course but I’m sure you can acknowledge that own egg is preferable for a number of reasons, mainly socially and mentally, than using donor’s eggs? And that people should do everything they can to get themselves in a position to ttc at a reasonable age so then donor egg isn’t their only option?

Op isn’t in her 40s. She’s 32. So it would be wiser to say, ‘you do have time, but I wouldn’t waste if if possible, get out there’ than ‘you are SO young, I know somebody who had their first at 45’.

@Cuppasoupmonster it's not always possible for people to ttc at an early stage though is it? 😳

Just as a side note, IVF is not the panacea many believe - it has a global failure rate of over 70%. It is also very expensive (in the UK at least, although there are some financial schemes for the under 35s with some clinics) and the cost can spiral quickly if you are unsuccessful on your first attempt and require multiple medications (cost separate to the actual treatment). I was extremely fortunate that it worked for me on my first attempt with a sperm donor but luck and genetics play a part too. I too am very happy with my life now and genuinely feel for the women who are wanting a family but not meeting suitable men, the time pressure is immense. Dating and the possibility of remaining childless are also very stressful as you're hinging on getting your family by being in a partnership which may or may not work out in the long run anyway. My only regret is not having done it sooner.

No. But sitting on her laurels for another 3 years because she’s been told she’s ‘really young’ and ‘has bags of time’ isn’t going to up her chances is it?

@Cuppasoupmonster nobody's telling her to 'sit on her Laurels.' 😳

And she HAS Got time. What would you rather she do, jump into to bed with the first person she meets? 😳

Yes that’s exactly what I said 🙄

Yes she has time. She doesn’t have ‘plenty’ of time nor is she ‘very young’. Equally she shouldn’t jump into bed with whoever because she has a matter of months. There is such a thing as a middle ground, hence my advice of ‘you have time, but don’t waste it’.

Also young mums would be absolutely rinsed on here if they did what so many older posters have done - hook up with someone, get pregnant in a year and declare it a huge success. I was pregnant in 18 months so no judgement from me, but the double standard is interesting.

I met DP at 34 online after getting divorced at 31. We will get married soon. My neighbour met someone at 39 on an app after a decade of being single - shes 41 now and expecting their first. My best friend just had her first at 38.

The real secret to life is not getting hung up on deadlines and enjoying life as it happens to you. I understand that as a woman age matters for fertility but there's never a guarantee with pregnancy at any age. So why stress over something you'll never control. Every woman's body is different and I do know many many women who've had their first child 38 and over. 32 is so young. You have 50-60 years ahead of you so enjoy every bit of your 30s, don't box yourself into a negative headspace where you miss out on all the opportunities that will present themselves eventually.

Dating isn't a guarantee to meet someone so don't take every rejection and bad date to heart. See it as the necessary process you need to do to get to marriage and kids. And it could take a few months to many years but it doesn't mean it will never happen. Don't catastrophise because you can't predict the future.

I find investing more into hobbies in your 30s makes it easier to meet people as there's a common interest there already. My DP contacted me on an app as he liked the photo of my doing my hobby and thought if nothing else he might make a friend.

You will be fine. I used to volunteer at an old age home and never came across anyone there who'd spent their entire lives single voluntarily. The few who had did it because of religious beliefs or because they'd been carers for their parents. Which makes me think more people find a partner eventually than don't.

But "when you know, you know" narrative, and you can only "know" at 40 apparently because nobody would admit in real life it was because the were desparate for children and this was their last chance.

@Cuppasoupmonster I'm sorry but that doesn't come across from your posts. You keep repeatedly saying the OP hasn't got plenty of time, when she has. You also seem to dismiss poster's experiences, which is what OP had asked for.

Don't have a baby with anyone you have doubts about. Parenting is hard enough without good support and harmony at home, getting divorced or separated is heartbreaking for everyone when kids are involved (generally).

@eyope excellent post 👍🏻

It doesn't bother me or DS at all, he's 40 now. Its more important to have a really honest discussion and not to be afraid of answering questions.
I've always been honest with him. He's been very happily married for 15 years now and him and DiL don't want any children of their own, they are happier with animals. We talk everyday more or less.

You are aware that having a child costs a lot of money too, right?

But she doesn’t a 26 year old has ‘plenty of time’. OP has time, absolutely, but not plenty. It’s weird that people keep insisting this is the case when it clearly isn’t. Yes there’s some great stories on here but telling OP she has bags of time and is really young just because it worked out for you is disingenuous.

@Cuppasoupmonster

That’s a very interesting question! Prior to having DS I would have thought : preferable to use my own eggs. I used my own eggs with his older DD. Now? I 1000000% would not change one thing about him. Oh my goodness he is absolutely beautiful - and whatever path led to his creation was the right path. And there is zero difference in the love I have for my donor/non donor child.

Assuming her and her future partner's fertilities are intact and remain so she may have another 10 years, however since nobody knows what their (or their partner's fertility is like) until they try to conceive, it is preferable to have more time in case there are difficulties. At 32 you're one is not so young and also this constant assumption that she will meet someone "in time" to have children, may be she won't? As sad as it may be.

@Cuppasoupmonster oh for goodness sake. You seem determined to be absolutely right so there's really no point talking to you.

I knew quite a few couples who had (first) children in their 40s. One was my aunt, she didn’t want children for years then had a sudden change of heart and had one at 42. A back problem meant she couldn’t have any more. I don’t think she regrets it, but she constantly obsesses over DC being an ‘only’ and ‘having nobody if something happens to me’. It keeps her awake at night (she says).

The other a lady at work, after several years of IVF, very happy now with her DD but sad she couldn’t have more.

The other via donor as she is a (single) lesbian. Messy situation; she has complex MH issues and her son has witnessed things no child should have to witness in terms of neglect and her meltdowns, police being called etc. I worry about him.

Another couple I know had their first at 40, another at 42, seem very happy and no regrets there.

Of course these scenarios aren’t one-size-fits-all and a lot of it (MH issues etc) could happen to a parent of any age. But out of the 4 couples, 2 couldn’t have more than 1 child which has upset them.

Well of course you wouldn’t. But there’s a difference between an existing child who you adore and a conceptual child, which is why you used own eggs for DD presumably and didn’t use donor then? Saying own eggs is better doesn’t make donor egg conceived children any less valuable or cherished, it’s just pointing out the obvious.

I had a life changing illness in my mid thirties and didn’t date for five years-I thought my ship had sailed. I signed up to eharmony when I was 38 (after I’d recovered) went on one date and conceived my 1 year old shortly before I turned 40. I was so done with tinder and match etc, it just seemed like a shotgun effect.
Please don’t give up hope! I’d really recommend eharmony, as long as you’re honest about what you want you’re much more likely to meet someone who wants the same things as you. Something I did do when I was your age was get my fertility hormones tested-the GP will do it for you. It was a useful benchmark to have when we decided to start trying (they were pretty much the same although obviously I didn’t want to hang around at that age)
Sending lots of hopeful and positive vibes your way 💐

@Cuppasoupmonster

I think it’s probably a foresight and hindsight thing. Foresight, I’d have agreed with you. Hindsight I don’t agree. And say if I went for a third - and I had a choice between my embryo/donor embryo - I really don’t think I’d have a preference, but I’d maybe want the donor embryo to be the same donor. There is a very, very interesting field of study called epigenetics. And it’s very much worth a read when considering donation.