Need some hope - thirties and single, want a baby

[singleandsad]

I turned 32 a few days ago, and i'm suddenly really feeling the pressure to find someone as I want a baby. Its the one thing in life i've always wanted, to be a mum.

But it feels so hopeless. I have tried in the past, online dating, going out. I just never meet anyone. I've had two relationships, both fairly short. One at 21 and one at 26. Both times ended due to their lack of interest, although initially it was them who pursued me.

I used to get more attention from men in my late teens and early twenties. And apart from the obvious aging, nothing has massively changed about my appearance, I'm still the same size. I am slim, people tell me I have a nice figure. I wear makeup, am presentable. Just nobody ever seems to fancy me. My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's' but this never happens to me. I tend to fancy the more normal, down to earth, average type, and still they don't seem to have interest in me.

Online dating is so difficult. It just feels so forced from both sides. I have been on 4 dates this year. The 2 of them I wanted to see again both fell off the radar and the 2 I didn't like wanted to see me again. How typical!

I'm at a stage also where I prefer going out for dinner or a cosy night in with a friend rather than clubs or bars, which I guess also limits my chances.

I suppose I want to hear from people who were in my position, who went on to meet someone and have children. I feel like time is running out.

I know some woman who got to their early 30's and they felt they wanted a baby. I can't say if it was due to hormone's, perhaps they felt they were at a good age or stage to have a child and or friends/family members were having kids or getting married.
To me having a baby is a big decision. That baby will become a child, teenager and require that your in a position to bring them up and give them a good education.
From what I have seen over the years I say it easier to bring up a child with a supportive partner/husband than as a single mother.

I would say to you if you have family or friends with babies or small kids offer to mind them. I know it not the same as your own baby but it will give you a better idea of what life could be like with a baby/toddler ect.

If you want a marriage and children you need to get on line to look for a potential partner and get involved with groups/organisations to broaden your search. Be honest about what you are looking for when you meet someone. If a man has no interest in marriage or children your better off not not getting involved with them.

There’s an app I use called just a baby where you can find sperm donors. Good luck with your journey to motherhood

Hi
Just want to add in as someones whose has done IVF. Though its true younger fertilised embryos have a much greater success rate if you were to do this now the chance of unfertilised eggs producing pregnancy after thaw are really quite low. I wouldn't waste your money.
Think you are much better continuing to look for a partner and as people have said you are really quite young just keep going with dating as its a numbers game ! Took me alot of dates before I met my husband online and I won't lie it was tiring! look after yourself in the meantime.xx

I met DH in late 30s via OLD and had a child within a year or two.
I would say be clear what you want, which will filter out a lot of the men online looking for fun, which is a good thing. Cast the net wider without dropping standards for what matters to you - travel further etc. Devote time energy and money to the search and to recovering from the many disappointments along the way and in your own health, interests etc so you're the shiniest version of yourself. There will be someone out there for you. Good luck.

Watching the thread with interest

I would say get an AMH blood test to check your ovarian reserve or if you can afford it, a fertility MOT to estimate how much of a rush having kids/ egg freezing needs to be. Might take some of the pressure off, on the other hand might go the other way but at least you know and can get your head around it.

I met my partner on Tinder at 33. I am now 36 and we have a beautiful 5mth old daughter. I like you felt like I'd been single forever and dating wasn't really getting me anywhere and I was starting to lose hope. Then it just happened, I met my partner, we became friends then a bit more, then were official and he moved in during lockdown so we could see each other and we have never looked back.

Getting pregnant took a few months but the pregnancy went well and my baby is amazing! When I went for my first scan i was expecting the other Mums to all be in their 20s and slim (mainly because i am not and i was paranoid) but I have to say it was a complete mix of ages and sizes and I was certainly not the oldest. I would like another in a year or 2 and wouldn't hesitate even though I will be 38/39ish (all being well!). Its certainly not too late and you should never give up hope.

X

@SquirrelySponges that's beautiful ❤️

I feel for you OP. It's a horrible feeling and there is so much noise and pressure around it all in the media etc. However, 32 is still young (really!) and you do have time.

I'd say the most important thing is not to rush into a sub-par relationship because you're feeling the pressure.

My long term relationship broke down when I was 34 and I was convinced that was game over for me in terms of having a family. Had counselling, grieved, mentally prepared for a life without my own children. At 35, I then got into an intense relationship with a guy who was desperate for marriage and children, and I was so tempted to just go for it as he was kind, stable, etc. But it just wasn't right, I wasn't in love with him and was still messed up over my breakup, and I ended it. Again, went through a period of sadness about turning my back on a particular kind of future. I remember saying to friends that I had made my choice and had to live with it.

I unexpectedly met and fell in love with my DP at 36. I'm typing this bouncing on a birthing ball trying to get our baby into position for due date in a few weeks' time! I'm now nearly 40 and my choices have meant I will probably only have one child, but I have no regrets as I know my DP is the man I want to do this with. I am now so grateful I didn't stay in my long term relationship, or marry the very nice but not for me man I dated afterwards out of panic.

You may well decide to go for it alone, or you may well meet someone- either way, try not to panic or rush, and listen to your instincts rather than to fear! You have time, you really do.

It's only an option if you are a deceiving twat with no moral compass and you are selfish enough not to care whether your baby has a good involved dad

Not to be mean, but... how can you afford a child then?

Online dating is a numbers game.

Could you set yourself a challenge to go on 5 dates a week for a month? It's a lot less pressure if every date is just one of 20 or so, and if you don't click then - onto the next one.

Could you challenge yourself to go on dates with men you might not normally chose? Someone who isn't your traditional 'type'? Again, nothing to lose if it doesn't work- you'll be out with someone else the next day.

My friend did something like that. Felt really burned by a bad relationship and decided she would get a man to buy her dinner every day for a month, lined up dozens of dates. She had no intention of getting into a relationship, she just wanted to use men for once instead of the other way around. Of course on the first date she met her now husband and they have two children.

I met my DH when I was 32, we married 3 years later and had my first child at 36. I'd only ever had one proper relationship before him, with a few casual short term relationships too.

Do you have a circle of friends in which there are other single people? I met DH through a mutual hobby in which we also had a lot of shared friends, including couples. I wasn't really up for online dating but I would probably have given it a go if there was nothing else on the horizon.

Don't give up hope, but you do need to try and get yourself out there and mixing with people

You’ve still got plenty of time Op! I met my DH at 36, first baby at 37, second at 39.

It isn’t ‘plenty of time’ nor is she in the last chance saloon. And (while it obviously worked well for you!) having a baby a year after meeting someone isn’t that ideal, in fact it’s roundly criticised on here (although I got pregnant with DD when I had been with DH for 18 months, so being objective!)

@LaLuz7 she probably means that the prices are too high.

The average cost of having your eggs collected and frozen is £3,350, with medication being an added £500-£1,500. Storage costs are extra and tend to be between £125 and £350 per year.

£5000 is not an exorbitant amount and it's much less than what it costs to bring a child up. So it's quite worrying when she says she wouldn't be able to afford it. You need to have your finances in order and some decent savings before you even consider having a baby.

I met my DH at 32, married at 35 and have a baby on the way at age 36. Don't give up! I met him on bumble.

Im 37 and pregnant. Met my partner just over a year ago - it can happen but you’ll have to be a lot firmer with cutting people off if they don’t fit what you want.

Hey! I am in a very similar situation and honestly felt like it was myself writing it at points. Not sure about you but I am honestly surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, financially secure single women. I just don't understand why we're finding it so hard to meet men. The friends I have who are married met their partners in their early or mid 20s and settled down with them. It feels like complete luck. I've had a few relationships in my 20s but at around 27 I decided to focus on my career and running which has brought me success. But I would love to meet someone. I have hobbies, go out and always ask friends if they know any single men but they either don't know any or think they wouldn't be good enough for me...! I've been on some OLD dates, around 6 in the last year but never met anymore I felt more than friend vibes with. I have learnt to go on at least 2 dates now though as first dates don't reveal all. No advice but I think this is becoming more common now. I do think I will end up with someone who's divorced now, just hope it's sooner rather than later! Would love children but I wouldn't do it alone so just leaving it to fate whilst keeping going with OLD. Have you asked friends, colleagues etc if they know anyone single for you?

@LaLuz7 I would assume she is wanting to have a child with a partner where there will be two incomes. Also you don't have to pay £5000 the minute you have a child. Don't be mean. You've picked apart one part of what she said and run with it in a nasty way. She has stated she feels sad and worried about meeting someone and now you're questioning her financial situation and having a baby alone? Wind your neck in!

I met my hubby through online dating 4 years ago when I was 39.Now have a two year old and baby on way!

You can be perfectly solvent and able to afford a child without having thousands to spend on a procedure that is not guaranteed to work.

Not to go on about it but when I was trying for a baby at 37 my doctor said sadly that frozen eggs from under age 35 would have had so much more chance of succeeding than fresh eggs at 37.

Anyway. Wish you luck. I’d suggest taking up lots of weekend hobbies where you meet nice men. Sports / drama / walking / judo whatever.

I would try to meet someone in real life by taking up some hobbies to widen your social circle. Be discerning about the hobbies you pick - eg choirs are fun, but men under 60 are thin on the ground. On the other hand, a walking group or community volunteer group might be better.

Consider paying to join a proper matchmaking service.

32 is still young (I had a baby naturally at 39) and you do still have time to find someone.

I was the youngest in my NCT group to have a baby, I was 28 almost 29. There was one early thirties and the rest mid-late 30's and early 40's. They were all our first babies! I would keep going with the online dating. I met my husband online, dating was a chore really but it was worth it when I seen my husbands profile. Good luck xx