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Original poster

Need some hope - thirties and single, want a baby

150 replies

singleandsad · 07/01/2023 22:06

I turned 32 a few days ago, and i'm suddenly really feeling the pressure to find someone as I want a baby. Its the one thing in life i've always wanted, to be a mum.

But it feels so hopeless. I have tried in the past, online dating, going out. I just never meet anyone. I've had two relationships, both fairly short. One at 21 and one at 26. Both times ended due to their lack of interest, although initially it was them who pursued me.

I used to get more attention from men in my late teens and early twenties. And apart from the obvious aging, nothing has massively changed about my appearance, I'm still the same size. I am slim, people tell me I have a nice figure. I wear makeup, am presentable. Just nobody ever seems to fancy me. My friends have sometimes spoken about meeting men who 'slide in their dm's' but this never happens to me. I tend to fancy the more normal, down to earth, average type, and still they don't seem to have interest in me.

Online dating is so difficult. It just feels so forced from both sides. I have been on 4 dates this year. The 2 of them I wanted to see again both fell off the radar and the 2 I didn't like wanted to see me again. How typical!

I'm at a stage also where I prefer going out for dinner or a cosy night in with a friend rather than clubs or bars, which I guess also limits my chances.

I suppose I want to hear from people who were in my position, who went on to meet someone and have children. I feel like time is running out.

OP posts:
ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:22

@Bestcatmum completely agree with you ❤️

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:29

Male friends and relatives aren’t the same as a dad and it’s a bit unfair to put that expectation on them tbh. I understand what you’re saying but I think if you were donor conceived you might feel differently about it. There’s also the issue of not knowing the donor is as ‘high quality’ as your expectations - there have been issues of things like ASD not being declared.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:38

@Cuppasoupmonster no I wouldn't. I'd rather that than knowing I'm related to someone to doesn't love me and take any interest in me.
I wouldn't want to explain that to my child either.

Nobody would be putting any expectations on male friends and relatives and at no point did I say that my post. They would of course be there because they wanted to.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 00:40

I've had (and still have) men in my family who have been there for me more than my own father ever has.

iyzzz · 09/01/2023 00:41

Just to say this has been a really lovely helpful thread for me. You can feel very 'othered' being 30s and single (20 years post Bridget Jones and still!).

@singleandsad I'm in the same situation. Sometimes I'm despairing about it and sometimes I feel quite perky and empowered and free! I've decided that this year I need to focus more energy on dating - on a practical note I'm going to try a couple of things (1) investigate dating options that aren't the apps (e.g. agencies), (2) be open to /suggest going on second dates when the first date is ok - I've been guilty of thinking no 'spark' on the first and giving up but maybe I'm someone who just needs time for that connection to grow. At the same time, I'm also conscious that there are lots of benefits to being single and childfree so I'm trying to take advantage of those while I can - new hobbies, travel, seeing lots of friends etc.

I'd also recommend 'The Unexpected Joy of being Single' for a mindset shift. And I've had quite a bit of therapy to help me figure out what I want out of life and why (what do I think I'll get from a partner, what aspects of that can I get elsewhere, how much do I want children/would I be willing to explore having them alone ever). Love to you - it's a lonely place sometimes.

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 07:25

You are young! A lot of women I know met their partners in late thirties or early forties and went on to have families. To be honest, a lot of men (and women) your age don't even think of settling down yet, it is a sad fact of modern life...Try to enjoy your life as is now bd the right man will appear!

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 07:29

Egg freezing is not guaranteed to be successful at all, and what a strange comparison, lots of people don't have money for the procedure but have high stable monthly earnings to afford a child, as the OP said she has a flat and pays her bills, of course she can afford a child!

Riskofbeingsued · 09/01/2023 07:39

My cousin met her now husband at 36, married at 38, first child at 39, second at 41.
Still happily together, now 50.

Oysterbabe · 09/01/2023 07:43

I met my husband at 32 on Match. I think paid sites cut down on time wasters. I still had to go on a fair few dates before I met him.

Met at 32, married at 34, children at 35 and 37.

SauteBaconHollow · 09/01/2023 07:48

My best friend was in a similar situation, like you, so fed up of OLD.

She ended up doing a sailing course over a series of weekends, learned a new skill/hobby, met a new friendship group and ultimately met her new now DH.

Tractorcrisis · 09/01/2023 07:57

@singleandsad

I was in a similar position - but mid thirties. Looking back it was a real crossroads, and it does feel pretty miraculous now that I have my two children.

My advice would be :

I had to perhaps put my feelings to one side, and think about things on a practical level. I asked DP very early on if he was on the same page as me, and if he wasn’t I wouldn’t have continued to see him.

I wouldn’t advise pubs/clubs/online dating although I realise it works for some. I think work, or friends of friends, or joining an activity group are better ways to meet.

A blood test to give an indication of fertility levels. I didn’t realise how low mine were, so it made me think quickly and make practical decisions at the right time.

I then went on an IVF journey aged about 37? I had NHS funding, I don’t know what the guidelines are saying now.

violetcuriosity · 09/01/2023 07:57

IME you do need to keep putting yourself out there both online and physically in your local area on nights out. I was 29 when I came out of my long term relationship and was a single mum to my then 4 year old DD. I just went with it, went out into town to nice bars at least twice a month with work colleagues/friends and gradually built up a bit of a community locally, you'll find a lot of the same people go out. Once there was lots of people I knew I found people generally 'slid into my DMs' more and every and then one of them would turn flirty. I met my new partner in a bar one night, he was in a relationship so nothing happened but at some point we followed each other on Instagram and when they separated we went on some dates, now living together and I'm 8 months pregnant. I never thought it would happen for me either but I guess I had the reduced pressure of already having my DD, I absolutely loved those carefree nights and the not knowing of who I might meet. As others have said, you've got the advantage here, most people in their 30s come with some form of baggage eg ex wives/kids/messy divorces or worst of all NPD 😂 keep your standards nice and high, enjoy the ride and trust that the universe will deliver exactly what is yours when you're ready for it x

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 08:19

It is a numbers game, online dating may as well work but you do need to go through tons of dates, as well as meeting people through interest groups etc. In my experience, meeting someone through work is very very challenging now in the corporate world - me too movement etc...

anthurium · 09/01/2023 08:32

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 00:02

Sorry but having a dad, or at least knowing who he is, is far preferable to being conceived via donor. It’s a basic need to know where you came from, and I’ve seen the results in the mental health issues in people close to me who were denied this.

Show quote history

@Cuppasoupmonster

If you have your treatment in the UK by law you any conceived offspring will have the opportunity for ID release upon them turning 18 to connect with their donor (unless he has rescinded their
consent or died in the meantime). So you do know where you come from as the law in the UK ensures that sperm donors information is available to the offspring (a lot of sperm bank also supply ample information about the donor beyond the extensive medical information).
Identity issues tend to arise when donor conceived children weren't told of their origin of conception while young/ growing up or were 'deceived' or lied to about it. This is well documented in research in this area.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 09:18

Yes absolutely and I think that’s a good system, however I see a fair few posters on here going abroad because they’re ‘more comfortable with the anonymity side of things’ which I think is… well, short sighted to say the least.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 09:20

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 07:25

You are young! A lot of women I know met their partners in late thirties or early forties and went on to have families. To be honest, a lot of men (and women) your age don't even think of settling down yet, it is a sad fact of modern life...Try to enjoy your life as is now bd the right man will appear!

Oh come on. How many people actually meet their partner in their 40s and go on to have a couple of kids? They might have a very last minute one but the option of choosing to have 2 or 3, or to spend a good few years getting to know your partner, is taken from you.

This is not me ‘being mean’ at all, I think OP is being done a disservice with these types of responses.

cigarettesNalcohol · 09/01/2023 09:32

Don't loose hope OP! You've just turned 32 so there is still time. Just make sure you're still on the dating scene and making efforts to meet people and go and lots and lots of dates! Other than online dating, have you tried joining a running group ? Or a book group ? There's loads of 'meet up' group stuff happening for single people if you look online. I know these kind of groups can sounds daunting but the end justifies the means.

Goatbilly · 09/01/2023 09:36

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/01/2023 09:20

Oh come on. How many people actually meet their partner in their 40s and go on to have a couple of kids? They might have a very last minute one but the option of choosing to have 2 or 3, or to spend a good few years getting to know your partner, is taken from you.

This is not me ‘being mean’ at all, I think OP is being done a disservice with these types of responses.

Show quote history

@Cuppasoupmonster

This is a good point, I think there's a handful of women who meet suitable partners AND they're both ready to TTC at the same time AND don't have fertility issues by this point. The margins are extremely narrow and those that achieve this are anomalies rather than the norm.

Tractorcrisis · 09/01/2023 09:41

@Cuppasoupmonster

I used an egg donor for my second child as my fertility levels were by then - non existent.

Since then I’ve met a fair few other people who have opened up to me about their donation experience.

I’d say the fact that I wanted him so desperately, the fact that we love him so dearly, and the fact that we try to give him every opportunity we can, and the fact that he is so happy and sees so much joy in life : would mean that donation can and does work. Additionally, he has brought so much joy to all our lives. He is so important. I will do all I can to preserve his mental health for the future, and we were given guidance/recommended books as to when to tell him/how to tell him. I’m now a huge advocate for donation having been through the experience so far - and having had reservations before I started the process.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 09:46

Tractorcrisis · 09/01/2023 09:41

@Cuppasoupmonster

I used an egg donor for my second child as my fertility levels were by then - non existent.

Since then I’ve met a fair few other people who have opened up to me about their donation experience.

I’d say the fact that I wanted him so desperately, the fact that we love him so dearly, and the fact that we try to give him every opportunity we can, and the fact that he is so happy and sees so much joy in life : would mean that donation can and does work. Additionally, he has brought so much joy to all our lives. He is so important. I will do all I can to preserve his mental health for the future, and we were given guidance/recommended books as to when to tell him/how to tell him. I’m now a huge advocate for donation having been through the experience so far - and having had reservations before I started the process.

@Tractorcrisis that's amazing! I'm so happy for you ❤️

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 09:49

It makes me feel so hopeful and happy to hear these success stories on this thread ❤️

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 09:52

@Cuppasoupmonster the OP is not being done a disservice at all. Other posters are sharing their experiences with her and making her aware of her potential options.

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 09:58

I am sharing my own experience and experiences of women I know. I know more women having their first child in their 40s than in their 30s let alone 20s (no one). Of course chances are lower but they are not non-existent. No need to put more pressure on the OP than she already feels

shewolfsout · 09/01/2023 09:59

I would save up to freeze my eggs and date a lot simultaneously, then you end up with options later on

If you can't afford to freeze your eggs, could you get a second job? You never know you might meet the man of your dreams working somewhere new. The more people you come into contact with the more likely you are to find someone, so an evening class or new hobby, anything like that you are setting yourself up to meet more people

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 09/01/2023 09:59

FluffyFlower · 09/01/2023 09:58

I am sharing my own experience and experiences of women I know. I know more women having their first child in their 40s than in their 30s let alone 20s (no one). Of course chances are lower but they are not non-existent. No need to put more pressure on the OP than she already feels

Exactly my point, @FluffyFlower 👍🏻❤️