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Original poster

Can we move on from my work affair .

137 replies

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:01

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/01/2023 20:50

It's not that easy just to change jobs !!

Have you tried?

OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

Your really don't have a clue how your husband feels. Not for a minute.

Your attitude says it all and I'm sure a holiday will solve everything. Sometimes, it's not always the affair itself that ends the marriage, but the cavalier attitude of the person who cheated. Like get over it. It's been 3 months or 4 months
We only kissed

You need to get out of that mindset and adjust your attitude.

If you really genuinely want to get an idea how a betrayed spouse feels, I suggest you have a look on this website:

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Read the JFO - Just found out thread

You need to develop some empathy ...it's sadly lacking and if I csn sense it...I'm sure your husband can to.

Pebbles16 · 07/01/2023 20:50

Your poor husband and you are trying distraction techniques: "oh I am sorry I hurt you and continue to hurt you, but look at this shiny holiday".
It's total bullshit.
If you really want to save your marriage then you cease ALL CONTACT with this man.
You cannot have your "I love my job" cake and your relationship.

firstmummy2019 · 07/01/2023 20:52

You are a very selfish person.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2023 20:52

The steps a spouse who has cheated must take towards a successful reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

8. S/He must stop all contact with OM/OW and not try to protect them.

S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Dontsayyouloveme · 07/01/2023 20:52

A holiday surprise does not make up for an affair in anyone’s book! I’m sorry, but that’s laughable! You appear rather naive as to the damage you have actually done to your marriage and your husbands trust in you.

PollyAmour · 07/01/2023 20:56

How sleazy to start an affair with a colleague, kissing and cuddling at work of all places. I bet your coworkers were all laughing at the pair of you. I wouldn't be surprised if you were one in a long line of conquests for this man at work.

Your husband deserves better than a cheat.

Floralnomad · 07/01/2023 20:56

If you work in care then it’s very easy to get alternative employment actually . I really don’t see how you can’t see your husbands POV about this , it’s unbelievable

Crazypaving22 · 07/01/2023 20:57

A holiday will not fix this.

You really don't understand the damage you have caused.

You need to show your husband that you're fighting to be the safe partner he deserves.

Instead he's dealing with an unremorseful, empathy lacking, cake eating wife who still feels entitled to keep the job causing such distress.

'but we're all adults surely we can work it out'

Your husband is being the adult here, not you.

Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 20:58

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 20:39

It's not that easy just to change jobs !! OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

But you haven’t moved jobs because you don’t want to.

Because you think it’s an insignificant thing to move jobs over. You don’t want to lose your work friends which includes the OM.

There are all consequences of your own actions.

You say ‘we are all adults and should love past this’ but you were all adults when you were having a quick fumble in a dark corner at work. How did that work out for your husband?

Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 20:58

Fucking hell, he's probably had enough of surprises!

Canabelievethis · 07/01/2023 20:59

Attention seeking Trollope comes to mind!

ShakespearesBlister · 07/01/2023 21:00

Your husband may tell you he doesn't mind you working there but that doesn't mean it isn't still eating away at him. He's always going to be wondering if things are happening again. The greatest thing you could have done to prove you marriage was more important was leave the job and work elsewhere. It isn't the only care home you can work in, so be honest what is stopping you from doing that? Will you miss the man you were having an emotional affair with?

Hiddenvoice · 07/01/2023 21:05

I think you need to see it from his perspective- would you feel comfortable with him going to work and seeing the woman he kissed? Would you feel confident in knowing they are friendly and chat regularly? Would you feel okay that they work long hours together?
His confidence and trust in your relationship has been rocked. I know you don’t want to change jobs over this but right now what is more important to you? What do you love more- your job or your husband? Could you move departments, or change shifts so you won’t be seeing this other man? Failing that I would start looking for another job and engage in marriage therapy as your husband is hurt. He may be trying to move past this but it’s going to take a lot longer than you think.

crochetandacuppa · 07/01/2023 21:05

The only way a marriage can recover from infidelity is if the betraying partner ceases all contact with the affair partner. If you’d done any work on reconciling and rebuilding, read a single book about the process, you’d know that. The fact that you haven’t speaks volumes. Your husband is traumatised and you’re not even doing the bare minimum to help him.

dontleaveitthere · 07/01/2023 21:05

Fuck me. The emotional intelligence of a turnip

When you say you should be able to work it out you mean you want him to just forget about it and let you continue as you were

Actions have consequences. There's no fucking remorse from you at all. It's all pathetic excuses. Have you even thought about how HE feels?

ThesefoolishthingsWallace · 07/01/2023 21:06

Completely oblivious to the pain you inflicted on him.

Poor man.

He must be regretting the earlier choices he made.

MummyJasmin · 07/01/2023 21:09

Poor guy. Don't blame him.
You need to find another job.

Butterfly44 · 07/01/2023 21:12

You asked a question and everyone has literally said the same response but you aren't listening. It's not the answer you want to hear. It's your husband or current workplace not both. Good luck!

bobbytorq · 07/01/2023 21:17

Are you for real? Your husband needs to leave you as you are totally clueless.

ThesefoolishthingsWallace · 07/01/2023 21:19

dontleaveitthere · 07/01/2023 21:05

Fuck me. The emotional intelligence of a turnip

When you say you should be able to work it out you mean you want him to just forget about it and let you continue as you were

Actions have consequences. There's no fucking remorse from you at all. It's all pathetic excuses. Have you even thought about how HE feels?

Yes consequenses.

Would you be open to allowing him to have an emotional affair, just a low level one.

I'm sure he won't minimise it and you would completely trust the fact they never had intercourse.

There must be so many thoughts constantly racing through your husband's head, do you honestly think a holiday is going to make him forget.

The thing is when you are dealing with someone who has very little empathy, the chances are that that they will begin to see that all the work is for them to do, you yourself have made no effort to help him.

I would advise him to move on as you have shown no remorse.

Swissmountains · 07/01/2023 21:21

No. Trust has gone

Lillygolightly · 07/01/2023 21:25

Your husband is looking for you to put him and his feelings first, show him that he is your priority and that you are committed to making the marriage work. He is not asking you to leave your job, because asking you is not the same as you just taking the initiative to do it yourself, you doing it yourself would mean so much more to him.

Betrayal is betrayal regardless of how physical the affair became, it was still an affair and still a betrayal to your husband. Whether you had sex or not is just semantics really.

A holiday may be nice but it will not fix anything. The only things that are going to heal the rift is for you to truly take accountability for your actions, total honesty with your husband, real remorse and dealing with the consequences and fallout from the affair. One of the consequences is you having to leave your job, well you don’t have to but if you really do love your husband and want to make this work you absolutely should leave. I have no doubt that your husband has indeed felt tortured every day you’ve walked out the door to go to work and see the man that you were cheating on him with. Personally there is no way on this earth I would have tolerated that. For some reason he has, he hasn’t told you to leave but given the feelings he has shared with you it’s absolutely what you should do!

dolor · 07/01/2023 21:26

No.

You cheated and this is what happens when you cheat.

Emmamoo89 · 07/01/2023 21:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That "once a cheat always a cheat" Is not always true.

Anyway you definitely need to leave your job if you want to save your marriage

arrrfhtummy · 07/01/2023 21:28

If you love him, you would of been out of the. Job months ago!

Say a lot

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