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Original poster

Can we move on from my work affair .

137 replies

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:01

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

OP posts:
C1N1C · 07/01/2023 19:42

You want to have your cake and eat it...

If you were a man, you'd be slammed. I think this says a lot about you to be honest.

You spoke to your husband, said it won't happen again, and are still working there... basically your husband is being too nice (and is a bit of a pushover) as he's already said he hates the situation. Was that not enough of a clue?

jays · 07/01/2023 19:47

I guess your dh will just have to put you first like you put you first and live his life waiting for you to have another ‘wobble’ poor guy. Both of you prioritise the same person in the relationship: YOU.

Pelagi · 07/01/2023 19:48

You seem to have no idea how much hurt and pain an affair can cause. Even a “low level” one as you put it. So no, there is no way back unless you make a genuine to effort to try to understand that.

Original poster
Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 19:50

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

You need to decide what you want.

iklboo · 07/01/2023 19:54

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

We might crave it. Most of us don't act on it. And we'd not expect our husbands to pretend it never happened and be totally hunky-dory that we're still working with the bloke we cheated on him with.

Ihaveoflate · 07/01/2023 19:54

You are minimising the infidelity and while you continue to do that, there can be no healing in your marriage.

If you're serious about repairing your relationship with your husband, find another job and start reading. I can recommend 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass.

Your husband has been incredibly patient.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/01/2023 19:55

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....

Not having sex doesn’t make it better.

How would you feel if your husband kissed and cuddled someone else, if he sent some ‘naughty messages and pictures’?

We don’t all crave excitement and have affairs with colleagues.

1FootInTheRave · 07/01/2023 19:56

I would leave if I were your husband.

You've hurt him and behaved appallingly and made no effort to rectify this.

catsandkid · 07/01/2023 19:56

You will need to change jobs I think.

jays · 07/01/2023 19:58

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

Well make some hard choices and put your marriage and anyone else but yourself first then for a second. Or leave dh. What you’re expecting him to accept is the unacceptable. Sorry but you’re just coming off like you think you’re all that right now. That’s your husband! You’ve really hurt him and genuinely, you sound like you don’t give a shit!

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 07/01/2023 19:59

How awful, your poor husband. Expect him to leave you eventually if you continue to work with this guy.

43percentburnt · 07/01/2023 19:59

Do you think a sexual affair is worse than an emotional affair?

When someone realise discovers that their spouse is having an emotional or physical affair it can cause post traumatic stress disorder. There are a lot of resources online and it is worth you reading them if you want to save your marriage. If your husband has only just mentioned this after 10 months he is likely to have not worked through his anger, pain and hurt. If he doesn’t work through it it’s likely he will pull the plug at some point. Did you seek counselling after he found out? He may be watching your behaviour and working out what he wants to do next.

I would interview for new jobs immediately and once you have a job offer tell your husband what you are doing to save your marriage.

LuckeyBuoy · 07/01/2023 20:00

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

Come on. This is pathetic. At least take responsibility for it (given that you claim to love your husband). In a way, your insouciance is worse than your half-baked affair.

Glitteratitar · 07/01/2023 20:02

If your marriage means anything to you, you would find a new job so you have no contact with this man at all.

Your husband has been very forgiving to stay quiet whilst you’ve carried on working with your affair partner.

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 07/01/2023 20:04

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:27

I have talked to husband and told him I would never do this again and I am only work friends with said guy. He said he understood and did not want me to leave my job.. The guy at work is aware there never going to be anything other than work colleagues

Of course he said he would not want you to leave your job. He doesn't want to be 'That Guy' who forced you to leave your job.
From bitter experience you can bet your life he would be relieved and happy if you did leave your job regardless of the words he says.

Your choice was continuing your job and contact with OM or saving your marriage and finding a new job.

After 10 months I'd say you made that choice already and the damage done may not be repairable any more.

In my own case DH ceased contact the next day. He went out of his way to make sure they were never in the same place together and if they ever were he told me the same day.
He didn't quit on the spot because we couldn't afford that but he did look for and got a new job as quickly as possible.
Even after all that it was a long, rocky road and we nearly didn't make it several times!

Sorry to say, you're in denial and your marriage is probably already over. You're going to have to work harder than you ever have if you want to save it.

Dontsayyouloveme · 07/01/2023 20:05

The LEAST you can do to enable your husband to even try and move
forward after this, is leave your job! Entitled much…

Purpleplanet564 · 07/01/2023 20:06

I’d say you probably need to look for a new job or can you switch departments so you don’t work closely together (not sure how closely you work at the moment).
The previous situation has probably been niggling away at your husband over the last 10 month and whilst he said he was ok, he’s now not.

Crazypaving22 · 07/01/2023 20:17

You are minimising your actions. You regret the affair but downplay it so you don't have to face how entitled and selfish your actions have been.

I also suggest you get a copy of 'not just friends' and start to understand the dreadful hurt you have caused the man you say you love.

A starting point for affair recovery is absolute zero contact with the affair partner. It is no surprise that your husband is struggling with the ongoing contact.

You're cake eating and remain an unsafe partner for your husband.

Sittingonabench · 07/01/2023 20:18

You can’t go back you can only go forward. If you and your DH want to be stronger then you need to first acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions. I get the impression you are not doing this as you seem to be minimising it and saying it isn’t an affair as it didn’t cross into a sexual relationship but the betrayal and lack of respect shown is the same. Why should he take your word for it that it won’t happen again? Why should he risk more hurt over that? Yes leaving your job would be a start but wouldn’t be a fix - you need to look into why it happened and how to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Motorbike311 · 07/01/2023 20:32

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SandyY2K · 07/01/2023 20:34

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

You're minimising it. This is not the behaviour or response from someone who is truly remorseful.

You're regretful, because your eye caught out and you're husband was hurt by it and the subsequent ffall out. .

There's a big difference between regret and remorse.

Not a real physical affair and low level affair are attempts to minimise your actions .

Of course your husband is going to feel uncomfortable and troubled by you continuing to work with your ex affair partner every day.

Original poster
Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 20:39

It's not that easy just to change jobs !! OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

OP posts:
Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 20:40

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:49

I understand I messed up it was not a real physical affair, just I guess some excitement I am sure we all craze some and I am regretful this happened...

So you were willing to hurt your husband so you could have some excitement? That was the priority?

You say it’s over. And it won’t happen again. How do you know? If it was that easy to nip in the bud, just stop and never be tempted again…..how come you couldn’t stop yourself doing it the first place?

It’s always amazing how people who had an affair insist they can put and end to it, when they are found out. But couldn’t possibly have stopped themselves before hand.

CorvusPurpureus · 07/01/2023 20:47

A) you need to choose - job or husband?
B) having said that, if you & your colleague were canoodling at work, you need to consider your work choices anyway, before you both get busted for misconduct.

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