Can we move on from my work affair .

[Micropigqueen]

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

You have broken your husband with your affair. It may have been no big deal for you but you cheated and completely destroyed his faith and trust in you…and then you carried on seeing your affair partner every day at work thinking meh, he should move on from it.

Your lack of respect for your husband is astonishing. Find a new job and work on your marriage.

I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this.

Oh you poor thing.
Obviously you shouldn't experience a moment's disruption or inconvenience - it's hardly YOUR fault that your colleague gave you affection & groped you in the linen closet. I hope your husband isn't so selfish as to make a big thing out of you still working with your affair partner. After all - it's YOU who's having to suffer the loss of attention & excitement, DH should really be thanking you for your noble sacrifice.

He’s not crying because you’re leaving your job, he’s crying that this mess happened in the first place. Leaving your job is the bare minimum any man would expect, his emotional response was probably a mixture of relief you’re finally treating him with an ounce of respect, and pain that this affair happened in the first place. You both have work to do, but this is a step in the right direction.

You are minimising it so much. You completely betrayed your husband and then have the audacity to say it meant fuck all. There wasn't even a reason for your actions, you just wanted attention.

I can't believe you didn't immediately leave your job if you were truly remorseful & genuinely trying to repair your marraige.

Have you actually spoken to your husband, been honest about everything and been honest about how much you want to make your marraige work. Have you asked how he feels, what he needs etc? Again, you just decided to tell him your leaving? You didn't explain you should have done it sooner, didn't understand the impact of not foubv do etc?

You really need to learn to communicate with your husband properly and think of him before you? I don't think your marraige will survive eothout counselling so you both really talk about your affair, the impact and the future.

You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you're leaving your job. Lots of reasons for this action and none of their business anyway. It's the least you can do if you value your marriage.

OP I feel your pain. It will take lots of time for trust to totally be reestablished. I am you 3 years later and totally understand you did what you did for a reason. Keep strong

And what reason is that then?

He’s crying because he is hurt. This will take time to move on from, as you say you have been together for a long time so this was out of the blue for him. If you two were going through a difficult patch then it makes it really hard for him too as he couldn’t rely on you when he needed you most.
Leaving your job is the best first step. Once you do thag then please consider relationship therapy for him to air how he is really feeling.
My dh had an emotional affair, like you he said it meant nothing and it was due to us going through a difficult time. I was broken and it’s taken me years to come to terms with what happened. He betrayed me, he made me feel so low, so insignificant and so ugly. He couldn’t stand by me in our time of need so I wasn’t sure I could ever trust him again. Therapy helped, but him showing me he was in the wrong and proving that he cared helped. We are now 4 years down the line and in a much better place but I do still feel insecure.

You have the emotional maturity of a spork.

Well thank-you for some brutal truths. I handed my notice in and they have offered to move me to another home ,this seems ideal.
Husband is ppleased and true to General concence he and for that fact me wish I had done so straight away.
I think if we both but some effort in me mostly we can come out in a good place.

Glad to hear it, OP - you've turned in the right direction; and it sounds much more straightforward employment-wise than you'd feared.

All the best for you both and your marriage.

You've done the right thing, but I fear for your marriage nonetheless.

Based on the emotional intelligence and self-centred attitude that you've shown so far in this thread, I'm thinking it quite likely you'll assume things will easily go back to normal now you're changing job, and you'll be shocked and cross when they don't immediately snap back.

It's not just the affair, it's the attitude you've shown in response to it over the past ten months that will have deepened the damage. You'll need to be prepared for this to take time.