Can we move on from my work affair .

[Micropigqueen]

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

The reason I played down affair is it realy didn't mean anything to me just silly few months I get husband won't see it that way and yes that's my own fault ..
Reading comments I know I should look for new job I guess I always knew but tried to sweep it under carpet so to speak.
I feel we should talk about this . Should I tell him I will look for new job today he doesn't like talking about this and I find it embarrassing to be honest no one else knew anything within our family and friends I hate any one to find out and questions will be raised if I leave..

it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out

Awww poor you, I'm sure it's been really hard for you 🙄

He won't ever get over it even if you change jobs.

It meant nothing but was worth humiliating, hurting, disrespecting your husband for?

For something that didn’t mean anything?

In my experience it was actions I wanted to see.

I think someone has recommended 'not just friends' there is also 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair'. Read those books to help you form a basic road map out of this.

There are a few things that you should just do. Absolutely zero contact with the affair partner is an absolute must. Transparency and honesty are a close second.

I get that you're ashamed and embarrassed, my husband was too, but being stuck in the shame, guilt, embarrassed cycle causes even more damage. What you need to do is start to really listen to what he wants so that he can heal and feel safe with you again.

You've been rugsweeping and minimising, own that, tell him you know you haven't worked hard enough and you're going to work. Ask him what he needs to heal and then follow that through with actions that prove he is a top priority to you.

I get changing jobs feels overwhelming but it's a healthy consequence of your affair.

The last thing I'd say is you need to really unpick why you had an affair (not marriage blaming, I'm no lover of affair apologists). What is it about you that allowed you to move away from your moral compass. How can you complete yourself without needing validation from others?

Good luck, no time like the present, if you want your marriage you now need to work for it,

Just put the shoe on the other foot, your dh had an emotional / physical / whatever kind of affair at work, you found out, your dh still decided to stay working there alongside fancy piece, what would that do to your head every time he left the house to go to work.

Be honest about it?

I don’t believe anybody that says they would be chill with it.

I bet it’s destroyed his head, find a new job asap or leave him, don’t torture him anymore than you already have.

Sit him down and tell him you’re finding a new job as soon as you can to save your marriage!

At some point he told you it was torturing him that you were still going there. I think you must raise it again and just say that you're going to look for another job because he was so hurt and becauseyou do love him and want to find ways for it to hurt less, and then just do it.

As for questions, you don't have to answer them. 'I felt like a change. What are you watching that's good these days?' would do.

Don't mind cheating but don't want your family and friends to know about it?

And OP last time I looked 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair' was a free pdf download. So easy to get hold of today.

You hurt your husband and risked your marriage for silliness?! Do you at least appreciate that you behaved wrongly?

You need to leave your job. I can't understand why you didn't do that immediately. Nor can your husband.

You simply need to tell him you're changing jobs. Then do it. It doesn't need a discussion unless he wants to.

You just tell your friends and family that you want career progression/better benefits/easier commute/nicer uniform/whatever. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

Honestly OP, you're not taking responsibility for what you've done. That is almost as unforgivable as the affair.

You really need to be going in all guns blazing as to prove how much you regret your actions and how much dh means to you.
There is no other way.
The initial affair breaks the fabric of your marriage, there is no way to undo that, but actually it is what you do that follows which can decide how it all pans out. If you can rebuild a small thread and then grow from there.
He should feel like he is your world, he should be able to feel your regret and remorse, see it.
You cheat and you have to be prepared to give up everything and anything to see if you can get through it, and even then it might not be enough.
When you realise that someone you love and who claimed to love you is capable of destroying you for their own benefit it changes everything.

I say this from experience.
I was the one who was crushed by the affair, whose dh didn't seek counselling, didn't read books, contacted the OW months later to catch up (as they both ended up changing jobs, however not because of the infidelity they just didn't like it), i still took on all the mental load, I only found out the whole truth of what happened 7 years later even after years of asking he always minimised it, like it was nothing.

I have now told dh that I can't do this anymore and we are in a trial separation and I intend to follow through (as long as I don't get scared and feel bad for him)
Its been 7 years and it's how he responded in the subsequent days, months, years that has finally put the nail in the coffin.

@SandyY2K your list of essentials is amazing and I wish something I had when it happened. It feels a concise way to explain what is needed to even start to repair and rebuild. Note, dh did none of them.

If your idea of being 'an adult' is letting some random feel you up in the supply cupboard when you're paid to be caring for people, then send you aubergine emojis in the evening, well there's plenty of sleezy, not very bright chancers out there who'd agree, and will be happy to be doing the same with their own colleagues.
You'd be best finding one of those, as your husband is clearly more sensitive and discerning with a different idea of adult behaviour.

I've heard affairs called many things, but never 'a wobble'. Wow, how minimising of your selfish behaviour.

You say it's not easy to find a new job. What effort have you already put in then? Have you applied for any? Think I can guess the answer.

To answer your initial question, No. While your mindset appears to be as it is, and you are only paying lip service to feeling sorry for your behaviour, your marriage will not be able to move past this.

Someone posted this on another thread. It would help you to read it too:

www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

You (allegedly) work as a carer FFS. If there’s any sector crying out for staff everywhere, at every level, it’s the care sector. If you’re even 20% better at your job than you are at being a decent, loving, respectful wife you could pretty much walk into a new job tomorrow.

Is this thread just designed to get people frothing?

Let your DH go. He can find a woman who doesn’t snog her colleagues and you can get with this work friend or find someone else you haven’t ruined your relationship with.

I don't believe a word you've written, I don't believe this happened. I think this is just a bored attention seeking post because surely, there isn't an adult alive that could do this and then be so blasé about the hurt parties feelings.

If it is real, leave your husband as kindly as you can and allow him the opportunity to meet someone who truly cherishes him and puts him before her job.

I hope your poor husband sees sense and cuts his losses.

You've had a full-on emotional affair. Not shagging is irrelevant. You keep dismissing and downplaying what you have done, which is even worse. You have no commitment to trying to repair the damage and you see his pain as something "adults" can move on from.

Until you can accept responsibility for the bomb you lobbed into your marriage, there's no chance of improving things. Even if you did, trust takes years.

OP there are things you need to understand here:

1. many men would have already left you by now for doing what you have done. This is not trivial.

2. it is your responsibility to take on the burden of the major part of the work of achieving reconciliation. At the moment you have done none of this.

3. you state that you are still "work friends" with your affair partner - That is not okay - you will achieve no reconciliation while that remains the case. Either find a way to stop being friendly with this person or move jobs.

4. if you think moving jobs is hard, try going through a divorce.

5. even in good conditions for reconciliation (which you don't have) I have heard therapists say 2-5 years to fully recover from an affair - you aren't even close to that.

My personal view is that you like being close to your affair partner, it gives you attention which you want. Your lack of action on distancing yourself from him is the deliberate choice of a cheater who isn't truly remorseful. You want to rugsweep this and leave your husband to deal with the bulk of the emotional labour of the aftermath of your affair. The clock is now ticking and either your husband will realise you don't actually care enough about the marriage and will leave you (which you will no doubt try and demonise him for) or he wil become an angry and bitter man which you will no doubt use to justify rekindling your affair with your workmate.

You have been handed a totally unjustified opportunity to save your marriage so I suggest you use it if you really want to rather than blaming your husband.

Your faith in humanity is sadly misplaced I'm afraid.

Perhaps starting to sink in OP but you have a huge way to go here to realise what you have done.

I think you need some therapy together and apart of that is at all possible.

Of course your husband is embarrassed! His wife has had an affair - cuts right to the heart of even the most well-balanced male ego.

Talking may help if that talking is an open and complete acceptance of your role in this situation and the steps you are going to take to start trying to make it right. Looking for a new job is only the start.

You sound so naive & dismissive of your husband's feelings. If you really wanted to save your marriage you would change jobs.

Sadly, if you follow threads by cheats (male and female) this is very common. Cognitive dissonance is a huge problem.

Honestly, this regretful, guilty, minimising talk is text book.

Of course the affair that you chose doesn't mean anything bad to you - just like grabbing an old lady's handbag by force isn't any big deal to the mugger, even though it's absolutely devastating to the victim.

I think i made things worse in a bid to start again I have spoke to husband .Told him I was looking to leave my job and work for us to move on.
His reaction was a nod of his head then walk into lounge I gave him a few minutes and followed him in. We have been together 16 years married for 8 I have never seen him cry he had tears in this eyes he ask for me to leave him alone for a while and we talk later but he looked broke .Fuck I thought this would help.
I going to hand in my resignation tomorrow I have holiday so should not need to work it all out.
I give him some time but I need to show him I fo regret my actions.

You have done the right thing by broaching this. You haven't made it worse but he may have just had enough of feeling the way he's been feeling, with zero empathy, support and remorse from you.

It could be just too little, too late.

All you can do is leave him to reach his own conclusions and put in the work to be a safer partner.