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Original poster

Can we move on from my work affair .

137 replies

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:01

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

OP posts:
amispeakingintongues · 07/01/2023 21:29

If you really do love your husband and want to save this relationship then you absolutely must find another job. Anywhere, doing anything, and ASAP.

If you don't, you can't expect your husband to stay. Whether or not you 'went all the way' in your affair is irrelevant, how can you seriously expect him to trust you working with that man every day? I mean you must still flirt with him at the very least. I feel so sorry for your husband, and hope he finds the respect he deserves.

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 21:29

Your DH needs to forgive you or leave you.

So many times on here an OP will ‘forgive’ her DH for cheating but then is miserable, controlling and paranoid - that’s no way to live.

I do feel sorry for your DH but he needs to either take a chance and trust you (and that means full trust) or just things now.

This can only be his decision and you cannot rush him.

If it is you that cannot cope with his distrust then I can’t see how you can stay.

This is why having affairs is so damaging.
It’s not just the initial upset of being cheated on and lied to, it’s the time afterwards where you can’t ever get back to how things were.

smileyeye · 07/01/2023 21:32

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 20:39

It's not that easy just to change jobs !! OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

🤨 a holiday surprise

Alphyn · 07/01/2023 21:40

Leaving your job and cutting off all contact with your affair partner is the bare minimum - even that is not enough if you’re not remorseful and trying to rebuild trust. My ex-husband cheated with at least two colleagues and eventually left his job but that in itself didn’t address the underlying issues. It’s not necessarily “once a cheater, always a cheater” but as the betrayed spouse, there will always be the question “If it happened then, what’s to stop it from happening again with someone else?”.

LuckeyBuoy · 07/01/2023 21:46

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 20:39

It's not that easy just to change jobs !! OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

Wtaf.

AlbertaAnnie · 07/01/2023 21:48

Leaving your job is the least I would expect if the marriage was to work…..you are being unfair to your husband - stop hurting him further by staying in a position where yin will see this person regularly. This should be obvious - additionally I think you are downplaying the affair as it never led to full sex however what you did is still wrong and just as hurtful.

MissOldCadburys · 07/01/2023 21:48

It wasn't a "wobble" you're a cheater and I hope your husband has the sense to leave you.

Buildingthefuture · 07/01/2023 21:48

I call BS….this cannot be real? A “low level” affair, to be made all better by a holiday??? Because a week away makes up for you getting it on with a colleague at work? With whom you are still working! Surely, no one is actually this lacking in self awareness??

gonnabeok · 07/01/2023 21:50

I was the person who was cheated on. Tried to make it work for 6 months after. It was like being tortured - never knowing if he would do it again when he felt a bit low or the stress of life came along again. I ended it for my own sanity. The least you can do is leave your job. You really don't sound too bothered about the hurt you have caused your husband.I think he will probably end your relationship in time. If you really wanted to start again properly you would have no issue moving jobs. As usual with a cheater it's all about how change would affect you and your feelings.

Gazelda · 07/01/2023 21:53

When did the affair happen OP?

Did your DH beg you to stay? Or did you have to beg him to let you stay?

Have you tried to get another job? Care work is incredibly easy to get jobs in right now.

Are you sorry about the affair. Or sorry you got caught.

When is the holiday. How have you managed to book time off and pay for a hol without him knowing? Haven't you kept enough secrets from him?

AnyFucker · 07/01/2023 21:54

Gotta be a reverse…

cherry2727 · 07/01/2023 21:54

You have no remorse at all! You had an affair at work and the least you can do is change jobs but you won't ? Clearly you don't give a toss about your husband's feeling !

Also what is a low level affair ?? An after is an affair! Please grow up and either leave your husband or change jobs if you really care !

ttcat37 · 07/01/2023 21:57

You need to find a new job and get marriage counselling to have any hope of fixing this.

Booking a holiday doesn’t fix it. That isn’t selfless- you benefit from that. You must put your husband first if you really want to move forward.

The fact that you seem loathe to do this looks like you aren’t that arsed about the marriage

Francisca459 · 07/01/2023 21:57

Your poor husband. I'm afraid you lack the ability to put yourself in the position of other people and how they feel. You are putting yourself first at all times and don't want anything to inconvenience you - even your own nasty and impulsive behaviour. You can never be trusted again. I feel so sorry for your husband.

booboo82 · 07/01/2023 22:02

Your absolutely delusional, plenty of care home jobs it's very easy to change jobs, this is the first thing you should have done ! Forget the holiday it won't fix anything. If your not willing to get away from this other man then you need to leave your husband as he deserves better than you

VaccineSticker · 07/01/2023 22:10

You’re going to get shot down here. ignore the angry posters.
Talking to him is key here. You need to be honest clean and earn his trust back if you were to win him back.
Many people suggested for you to change jobs- however- Changing jobs isn’t going to changing anything if YOU don’t change.
see what he wants to do, for all you know he is happy to forgive and move on, or he might already have decided to leave but hasn’t said.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/01/2023 22:30

I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

You gambled and lost. Losing the job and workmates you love should be seen as a lucky escape and a small price to pay, rather than the much higher price of losing your marriage to the husband you claim to love, who you should be grateful is willing to take you back.

To be honest, I would think that, if you were truly contrite, you yourself would be desperate to get away from the scene of your infidelity and the man who would be a permanent reminder/temptation.

Imagine how it must feel for him every time you go to work and he knows that the OM will be there. Will it be normal innocent workplace interactions like "Did you see X on TV last night?" or "Do you want a cup of tea?" or will it be something far more serious - like you have already done before with this very man?

Not even bothering to look for another job is the equivalent of still going into the bookies 'just to put a tenner on the race' when you've already lost the house through your gambling addiction. You've already put him through deep pain and are now just minimising that and rubbing his nose in it. Once somebody knows (and has shown) that they cannot be trusted in a certain situation or location or with a certain person, the only reasonable amount of time to spend in that place/with that person in future is zero.

Notsuchaniceguy · 07/01/2023 22:35

I've done some narcissistic shitty things over the years but when I kissed someone when I was very drunk I told my wife the next day.This wasn't someone I'd even had an emotional affair with, just a shining example of my narc ego feeding behaviour. Even then, when I had no idea of the cunt I actually had been most of my life, I knew as soon as my wife said you can never speak to her again that she was right and the correct thing was no contact ever again and that meant shutting down an entire social network. So that's what I did. Facebook block, mobile block, email block and telling the other person that we would never speak again. Had we been in the same company my notice would have been in that day as well.

Even with that our marriage has been a horror show at times since. Other reasons but this act pretty much destroyed any hope of it being anything else.

A "kiss and a cuddle" is a massive transgression in a relationship and something that the person hurt by is entirely within their rights to never forgive and they may never forget. Some people do, some marriages are saved and repaired and return to being strong, if the straying spouse puts the hard yards in. Albeit forever changed.

OP you need to do some serious self reflection and self work.not least about why it happened. A week in Tenerife is not that.

MsDogLady · 08/01/2023 01:11

…about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.

OK I get it…but we’re all adults surely.

You don’t actually get it, @Micropigqueen. You’re continuing to treat your H with utter contempt and are sabotaging his healing. He is actually in a false reconciliation, as you are not showing true remorse or taking full responsibility for restoring his trust.

You chose to cheat and deceive him via your flirting/kissing/cuddling/sexting & photos/thirst for illicit validation. Of course he feels tortured that you are still working with your Affair Partner.

Stop downplaying your infidelity and disloyalty. Cut contact with OM and find a new job asap. If you refuse, your H should walk away.

jtaeapa · 08/01/2023 01:18

You seem to be minimising this incident or not realising how much it has broken your husband.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 08/01/2023 01:20

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 20:39

It's not that easy just to change jobs !! OK I get it and i am sorry .it hasnt been easy I have felt terrible, but we're all adults surely we can work it out ihave booked a holiday surprise for him.

I've worked in care, pre Covid it was easy to change jobs. After Covid... even easier. Though as a carer I'd love to know how you found the time to even throw yourself at another man, where I am if we aren't doing actual care tasks or paperwork, we spend time with the people we care for. However, good on your husband. Honestly if he had any sense he would leave. But alas.

Lieslies · 08/01/2023 01:45

You sound like my ex.

Minimising, making excuses, no genuine remorse, not cutting all contact. And even, yes, the surprise holiday that was presumably meant to make me sweep it all under the carpet.

Note 'ex'. After a month of this selfish bullshit while he claimed to love me and want to save our relationship, I booted him out. That month was hell for me. Your poor husband.

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2023 01:49

If you care about your marriage this isn’t something that you should even be discussing with your husband. You find a new job and you never speak to the work friend again. He shouldn’t have to ask. You shouldn’t poll him for his opinion. He should not have had to see you working at the same place for the last 10 months and certainly not maintaining a friendship with the colleague in question.

tomorrow you start applying for new jobs. If you won’t, you should be looking for a new place to live.

Neverhot · 08/01/2023 02:01

You should not be working with him still, if your marriage means anything you would have left your job.

Andypandy799 · 08/01/2023 05:14

EmilyGilmoresSass · 08/01/2023 01:20

I've worked in care, pre Covid it was easy to change jobs. After Covid... even easier. Though as a carer I'd love to know how you found the time to even throw yourself at another man, where I am if we aren't doing actual care tasks or paperwork, we spend time with the people we care for. However, good on your husband. Honestly if he had any sense he would leave. But alas.

Show quote history

This with bells on. @Micropigqueen if this was a wife posting about her husband the advice would be LTB which is what I would tell your husband. You sound like a delightful wife your DH is so lucky to have you

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