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Original poster

Can we move on from my work affair .

137 replies

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:01

Last year I had a wobble and started a low level affair with work colleague. I mean kiss and cuddle not full on some naughty messages and pictures not sure if it would have gone further....
The man in question gave me lots of attention and I was flattered and I do enjoy working with him. We both work in a care home long hours etc.
Any way my husband found out reading messages he was obviously upset and we were close to breaking up for few weeks slowly things got better or so I thought then out of the blue about 10 months later he said he felt tortured every day I go to work as I still work with this guy.
He has become distant l do love him and I sure he fills the same is there any way back .
I love my job and the people I work with. Would not wish to leave over this..

OP posts:
Menopants · 07/01/2023 19:05

I think your marriage is over. You can’t expect your husband to just get over it and make no effort to distance yourself from this man

Bagatella · 07/01/2023 19:07

You need to change jobs if your relationship has any chance

Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 19:09

The least you should do to help the situation is change jobs if you want this to work out.

Your husband won't just get over it and I'm sure you wouldn't it if was the other way round either.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2023 19:11

Dear god, you can’t expect your husband to get over this if you still work with the guy! How would you feel? If you truly want your marriage to work you need to get a new job, asap,.

Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 19:15

Your husband has told you how he feels that you still work with this man.

Your husband has tried to live with it for a good amount of time and it’s hurting him.

But you still don’t want to leave ‘over this’. The fact that you see it as simple as ‘this’, says your marriage is over.

You would be leaving because you acknowledge that what you did was a huge betrayal. You would be leaving because you understand your husbands pain and want to do what you can to fix it.

But you are picking your work, work friends including the OM over helping your husbands pain. Though, tbh, not a chance would I believe you have stopped the affair.

You don’t love your husband as much as you love your job and work friends. So I think your marriage is over.

lookingforanewjob23 · 07/01/2023 19:18

If you want your marriage to work, leave your job.

If you don't want to leave your job, leave your husband.

You can't make no changes and expect him to just get over it.

Original poster
Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:27

I have talked to husband and told him I would never do this again and I am only work friends with said guy. He said he understood and did not want me to leave my job.. The guy at work is aware there never going to be anything other than work colleagues

OP posts:
drpet49 · 07/01/2023 19:28

Menopants · 07/01/2023 19:05

I think your marriage is over. You can’t expect your husband to just get over it and make no effort to distance yourself from this man

This. I can’t believe you still work there with him. If you actually cared about your husband you would have cut ties and found a new job.

glowfrog · 07/01/2023 19:30

It's your job or your husband, and it seems you're prioritising your job. If you don't get that, you don't love your husband that much.

GrabMyParaplu · 07/01/2023 19:30

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Unicorn717 · 07/01/2023 19:31

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:27

I have talked to husband and told him I would never do this again and I am only work friends with said guy. He said he understood and did not want me to leave my job.. The guy at work is aware there never going to be anything other than work colleagues

But it WAS more than just colleagues wasn't it? This is not fair on your husband and you can't expect him not to be upset about it. But I think you've made your mind up.

Biscuitandacuppa · 07/01/2023 19:31

You need to decide if your marriage is more important than your job, you can’t expect him to be comfortable with you working with the man you had an affair with!

LuckeyBuoy · 07/01/2023 19:33

If you love your husband, why did you have this "wobble" and start a "low-level affair"? I'm not judging, btw, as I did the same - but I didn't profess to love my husband (though he didn't profess to love me either).

Idontevenknow · 07/01/2023 19:33

With all due respect, your word probably doesn't mean much at the moment. I agree with others, it's your husband or your job. If I was your husband I doubt I would have forgiven you, obviously he has chosen to, but you need to work with him on this and put yourself in his shoes. Would you be happy with him working closely with someone he had started an affair with?

Azandme · 07/01/2023 19:34

Micropigqueen · 07/01/2023 19:27

I have talked to husband and told him I would never do this again and I am only work friends with said guy. He said he understood and did not want me to leave my job.. The guy at work is aware there never going to be anything other than work colleagues

Seriously?! You stopped being "only work friends" the minute you crossed the line and you CAN'T ever go back to "only work friends" once you've done that, no matter what you might think.

You either leave the job, or lose your husband. That's the price you pay for being a cheat. You don't get to just act like nothing happened - you are hurting your husband more every single time you go to work. Stop being so damn selfish!

5128gap · 07/01/2023 19:34

You sound very lack lustre towards your husband. Most people in your shoes who really valued their partner would be climbing over themselves to do whatever it took and racked with guilt. Yet you seem mainly concerned that he gets over it quickly so you won't have to have the inconvenience of his feelings when you want to crack on with your job.
I don't think your marriage can make it to be honest because I don't think you've got enough motivation to make it work.
I'm not having a go at you, as you feel how you feel. But honestly, to still care about your job and work mates in the context of what your poor man is going through says it all really.
Have a think about what you want, because if you don't want him in the way he deserves the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

PermanentTemporary · 07/01/2023 19:34

Well in a way your husband may initially have felt it doesn't matter who you work with, as it happened because someone gave you a bit of attention. People will give you attention at other times and who knows what you will do the next time. He understood it was something that you chose to do.

But over time he is finding that it's much harder to deal with than he thought. So. Open up the conversation again. Ask him if there is anything you can do to make things feel less bad for him (not 'move on' , why should he). Including moving jobs.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 07/01/2023 19:35

Your husband probably started trusting you when he found out you cheated on him, even if he's trying to

The only fair thing to do if you want to stay with your husband is get a new job so he doesn't spend every time you work wondering what you are getting up to

dontleaveitthere · 07/01/2023 19:35

Poor guy

What's more important to you. Your job or your husband

Answer that and you have your answer.

Can't believe you expect him to just be fine with you continuing to work long hours in a close setting with your affair partner... if you do frankly it doesn't sound like you care how he feels.

So perhaps ending the marriage is the kindest thing. Let him go and find someone who won't cheat on him.

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/01/2023 19:36

He only found out because of text messages, why would he trust you when you say that you wouldn’t do it again?

Did your affair finish when your husband found out?

TimeOf76 · 07/01/2023 19:37

Shocking stuff. Your H has been so forgiving, it seems, and must have the patience of a sint. Feel so sorry for them.

danni0509 · 07/01/2023 19:37

Your poor husband.

Bad enough it happened, but you still work there with him. Jesus.

I wouldn’t be able to trust you. Sorry.

TimeOf76 · 07/01/2023 19:37

*saint (sorry)

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 07/01/2023 19:39

You are being very cruel and selfish by working with him still. If you loved him you would leave. What he must go through every day must be awful. Make your choice job or husband and stop being so pig headed

GrabMyParaplu · 07/01/2023 19:39

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