Husband talked down to me and patronised me all day in front of my friends

[mightilypissedoff]

I'm am so fucking pissed off. This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him. I met up with a 'friend' today at swimming with the DC. My husband joined us and was to stay only a short time to help me keep an eye on the DC but he ended up staying with us for hours. He constantly made disparaging remarks aimed at me, made out I was a controlling and bullying wife and that he was the hard done by party. My 'friend' lapped up this information and turned around and told me off for picking on him! I'd mentioned to this friend in the past that we were having marriage problems but left it at that. Today she acted like a nosy cow but my husband delivered in spades and shared really private details of our relationship with her. I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging but she wouldn't listed either! Husband was also complimenting her left, right and centre, telling her he liked her bag, what she was wearing, etc.

I feel humiliated. I'm a very private person and only share intimate details about my life on a need to know basis but today I feel disrespected by both of them. I feel like they both had a laugh at my expense. I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend....

That's a bizarre message from your friend and bizarre of your husband to stay hanging out with you both for several hours.

Get rid of both. Your husband is downright nasty. The ‘friend’ is a stirrer, and probably a gossip.
Id have been tempted to say in a loud voice don’t get me started on his premature ejaculation.

The ‘friend’ is likely a gossipy bitch. Don’t give her the satisfaction of a rise out of you. Be super sweet but don’t elude to how you really feel. ‘Love you too, great to see you today’. Then fade her out.
Also I’m sure she doesn’t actually believe what he says she is just enjoying the attention and feeling higher up the pecking order.

Your husband.
What a horrible thing to do.
It’s hard when you need to stay together for kids and money. I don’t know what to suggest. Has he always been like this?

I am sorry to hear you have been treated so badly by both. I hope you can get some sense of calm. Hope you find some resolution to this problem

This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him.

Why did you ever stay with him let alone marry him?

And why are you calling this other person your friend?

You must have a tremendously low bar, OP.

Time to ditch them both and work on your self esteem.

"I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him".

You likely do far more for your children than he does or perhaps ever did. He's playing a role of being the archetypical Disney dad when he is anything but.

What financial reasons are preventing you from leaving?. NO reason is worth staying in such a miserable and otherwise abusive marriage for and your children in the long run won't say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him if this is what you decide.

The longer you remain with their dad the more worn down you will become by him and your kids will further pick up on all vibes, both spoken and unspoken. They could well in turn start talking to you like their dad does. They may be young and supposedly dote on him (they really do not) but their dad is in turn giving them mixed messages by being nasty to and otherwise demeaning you as their mother. I would also think your kids are also very quiet and or otherwise subservient around their dad because he is volatile and so will try to avoid setting him off.

It is for them, let alone your own self, that you should leave such a man and sooner rather than later. Would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and you would want better for them in their adult relationships.

Your friend got the full on laser focused nice family man/Disney Dad treatment from him today and many such people are easily fooled and or otherwise manipulated into taking the abuser's side. She was easily manipulated and was played by him.

I would find other people for support, are your parents, siblings for instance at all helpful here?. At the very least I would now seek legal advice as knowledge here is power and contact Womens Aid.

Fade out said friend, you do not need people like this in your life either. You need people you can rely on in a crisis; she is certainly not that person.

Dump both of them.

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this! I believe he's gaslighting you. If you will argue with him or bring this up, he might say all he wanted was to help take care of your DC, but the whole point of him coming seems to have been to make you upset and to isolate you from your friend, who didn't respond well also. This is something my stepfather did to my mum and all I wanted was for my mum to be happy even if on her own. Don't give in to his manipulation by letting him upset you and when you're ready, leave, I never blamed my mum for leaving my dad when I was 12. You're strong and deserve way better than that!

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off.

Tempting to just tell her fuck off and leave it at that. First I'd second fading out the 'friend' and I'd reply that I found her behaviour disappointing given you'd confided about your marriage problems to her.

As for your husband!

1. You don't need that kind of friend.

1. He sounds nasty. Will arguing with him benefit you or simply cost you energy (and be used against you)? Grey rock may be better for now.

1. You don't need to stay with him for the children. They can have a relationship with their father without you having to put up with this.

1. Can you start preparing to leave him? I wouldn't tell him anything about that just now btw.

You don't want or need 'friends' who don't have your back.

Step back from your marital mess and focus on yourself and your children.

Start preparing for life as a single parent. Get a job, collect all financial documentation, see a solicitor.

File for divorce.

It's not going to happen overnight, but if you quietly play the long game and you'll get there.

I really can't divorce yet. We own the property jointly, the bastard earns much more than me and is in reality a shit and neglectful dad. The children accept any snippets of affection he gives them as good. If we were to share custody post-divorce, I'm convinced they'd come to harm through his neglect of them. If I stay on the scene, at least I can keep an eye on how they're being raised and step in (as I do now) when he's fallen short of looking after the children. I used to love this friend but have seen a completely different side to her today. Towards the end of the day with her, even she managed to fit in a few digs at me (the fact that I'm organised and prepared when I'm out and about with the DC- she called me Mary Poppins on speed). I feel so small and insignificant today. I feel so exposed.

Ps. Husband became a grade A arsehole after the birth of DC1 and then went one notch higher when DC2 came along. I've lost all respect, love, affection and regard for him. If I mentioned divorce, he'll threaten to force the sale of the house and make me homeless (I wouldn't be able to afford anything in the area). I was raised in care so he knows how important is for me to have a stable base for me and the DC.

Can you mentally and emotionally detach from him? Go grey rock?

And, as I said above, focus on yourself and the children and play the log game. Make a 2 year plan.

But see an experienced family solicitor in the meantime, to get a clear idea of where you'd stand, both financially and regarding custody.

You need a plan, a goal to aim for, to stop yourself from drowning in all the misery he is deliberately generating.

Sympathies. My ex played the victim in company. Jokes about me, getting big laughs from friends. Awful. Just awful. I could not work out how someone who said he loved me could tell lies and make me the butt of ridicule. Humiliating.
One day I walked out of our local pub and never went socialising with him again. The put downs ramped up in the house and escalated until I left and divorced him. He turned nasty and spitefull really quick.
To this day I have no idea why he behaved like that. It wasn't tit for tat as I never mocked him or belittled him. Bizarre. Must be an ego thing. Cheap laughs at my expense made him feel good.
Your dh does not sound much of a husband and your friend, well, who needs enemies with friends like that?

She is not a friend and would let her know in a calm way but stick to facts and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and how a friend should not be siding with your gaslighting narcisstic husband. I would then tell your husband that next time you are spending time with a friend that he is not to stay as that is your time. He sounds so controlling and you were probably so shocked at what happened that you did not speak up for yourself. I would be making a plan for when you can escape and try to put a little bit of money aside unknown to him for the future. This will keep you going knowing that you have a plan and things will change. I could not and would not stay with this man as it will effect your children and also keep a diary of all these incidents and date them for future use when you can divorce him as it is emotional abuse and this is bringing you down and he is highly abusive for what he did when your friend was there as he knew and had planned what he would do to turn her against you. He sounds very manipulating and takes pleasure from hurting you so this is not a good environment for you and the children to be in. Can you ring women's aid and talk to someone yourself or a counsellor but please do not do counselling with him as not advisable to go to joint counselling with a manipulative person as he will do the same thing with counsellor as he did with your friend. Hope you are ok and just do things in your life for yourself and keep strong as things will improve once he is out of your life as he will break you totally mentally if you stay with him.

What a spiteful cow!!

Also LTB.

You deserve better.

Sounds like she is setting herself up to be his flying monkey/future partner when you split up

Perhaps the conversation needs to be "what do you mean save my marriage?" "There is nothing wrong here" "work on myself? What do you mean?"

Your children will do much better with a mother that's happy and a father who isn't spending his energy and time undermining their mother.

Thank you everyone, reading your replies is making me feel better that I didn't just imagine the way the day turned out. I'd usually have a go at him in the car for his behaviour but I'm feeling different today. I'm massively annoyed but I don't have the energy to do anything. I'm secretly wishing bad things happen to him and he goes away. Financially, I feel stuck. I'm already paying the childrens nursery fees. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own too.

This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him

He's not a good man and he doesn't have your best interests at heart... I'd work out a way to leave him.

Your dc will be happier with a happy mother. What is he teaching them about relationships and how to treat your partner?!

You're not helping your children by staying in this marriage.

Also she's not a friend.

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advice.

Just that I also went through the care system and have been volunteering over a decade with kids in care. I struggled with teens (that’s on me), so moved to primary age. It’s not the same for you as they’d still have you which is great, but, it’s only my perception, I find they cope easier the younger they are. First because they’re not fully aware (and to be really honest you can kind of tell them a reason more adapted to their age, then move up accordingly - teens just know), and it’s what they become raised as being their regular life, there’s less upheal (obviously there still is some, whatever age).

I’m sorry I couldn’t offer much practical help, but I did wish to share that the idea of kids still being young isn’t really a huge factor.