Husband talked down to me and patronised me all day in front of my friends

[mightilypissedoff]

I'm am so fucking pissed off. This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him. I met up with a 'friend' today at swimming with the DC. My husband joined us and was to stay only a short time to help me keep an eye on the DC but he ended up staying with us for hours. He constantly made disparaging remarks aimed at me, made out I was a controlling and bullying wife and that he was the hard done by party. My 'friend' lapped up this information and turned around and told me off for picking on him! I'd mentioned to this friend in the past that we were having marriage problems but left it at that. Today she acted like a nosy cow but my husband delivered in spades and shared really private details of our relationship with her. I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging but she wouldn't listed either! Husband was also complimenting her left, right and centre, telling her he liked her bag, what she was wearing, etc.

I feel humiliated. I'm a very private person and only share intimate details about my life on a need to know basis but today I feel disrespected by both of them. I feel like they both had a laugh at my expense. I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

Leave her on read. Forever.

Don't give her anything to use against you. Just disappear and let her figure it out.

Sorry op, ignore me

Absolutely this.

I don't usually call women names but she is a Class A bitch and @LexMitior has summed her up well.

Stay well away from her.
Any friend would contradict and ridicule any husband who tried to do this.

We are here for you OP.

They probably already are, or close to it.

I got a reply from the 'friend' saying she was "sorry I felt that way" and said that her asking my husband all the questions she'd asked was because she "hand on heart" wanted to help get us back on the right track. She called me absurd for accusing her of creating entertainment for herself at my expense.

No reply from me and I think it's safe to say, we're not friends anymore.

The husband has moped around all day and has ignored me all day. He sat apart from me when we took the Dc out earlier and insisted one child stay with him- emotional control of my eldest. When I asked him why he was sitting apart from me. He said "to show the world you're a bitch I don't associate with anymore". He said it loud enough for others to turn around and see what was happening. I shall be contacting a lawyer tomorrow.

For those asking. I don't have friends locally and my estranged siblings live hundreds of miles away.

I don't think they're having an affair but my husband is the kind of man who can charm the birds from the trees and this 'friend' is the same. My husband was putty in her hands and she knew what she was doing. They deserve each other if/when they do get together. She claims to be very happily married and I have no reason to doubt that.

Also for those asking, I did tell my husband to stop talking about our personal issues in front of her when giving him daggers didn't work. He said "see, this is what I get. I'm not even allowed to talk about how I'm feeling". She gave him puppy dog eyes and told me to be quiet. That's when I walked away saying I wanted no part in their conversation. Instead of one of them stopping/following me, apologising, etc. they stayed talking and we're still at it when I returned to the table.

It is stupid late but I had to post this. Do not trust your husband.

When I heard you are estranged from your siblings and had no friends locally but your husband is able to be friendly and with some ease, my heart sank.

Just know that even by his actions today, and talking to this woman, he aims likely to paint you as crazy and abusive. And he will use his charm to do it. And he is going to provoke you in front of other people. He's doing this now.

It has already started with your vulture friend. You must get really tough, secure the money, the documents, the lawyer, the lot. Do it fast.

Do not waste any time. And you must avoid getting provoked. You are in a very nasty game here. His aim is probably to provoke you, make you angry in public and with your children.

So now you know. Do not trust him from this point on. And keep your internet very very clean!

I would give your friend a bit more benefit of the doubt. Your husband is the arsehole here and this whole situation would have been avoided if you'd told him to bugger off home and not gatecrash your friends catch up. Also I dont understand why you didn't ask the subject to be changed there and then rather than send her an angry message afterwards.

She did. The 'friend' patronised her, smirked with OP's H, & carried on.

I would reply and tell her “Well you’ve fallen for his bullshit like so many others have. I thought you knew me better than that, but no - you were simpering all over some man you’d never met before and chose to believe him rather than take what you already know about me into consideration. Not only that, you collided with him by encouraging him to humiliate me over and over again. What a friend…. I really didn’t think you’d be the kind of friend that throws you under the bus for the first guy that comes along. You’re both cliches”

*colluded

You need to find some way to bolster your confidence, put some money away, find a solicitor, and divorce.

Can you afford a therapist for yourself? Look around for a therapist who can help get you through divorce. Don't let a therapist get you started on your childhood, etc. There's time for that much later. Shop around.

Is your H self employed or does he have provable income?

If the house is sold, why would that be a problem?

Why do you think he would get 50-50?

You urgently need to sit down with a solicitor and at least get a reasonable and realistic idea of what your H would be obliged to pay for child support/ nursery fees, and whether you could stay in the family home.

You are being financially abused here. Your H is impoverishing you if hes refusing to pay a fair share of the nursery fees. It's possible you could call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

Forget your friend she’s the least of your problems. It’s not a battle which is worth your time. Anything you say might be fed back or gossiped about more widely anyway.

Your husband- withdraw. Don’t provoke him. Shut down.
You need to play your cards close to your chest. If anything I’d pretend to appease him.
His nasty comments in public, ignore. Other people will see it for what it is. This isn’t being weak, it’s tactics.

Meanwhile, see a solicitor. Get advisory appts booked in today with at least two.
Speak to your children’s centre, the nursery and your HV. Tell them you are having a hard time with him being emotionally and financially abusive and will be separating. Make it known.

I didn’t have children or a shared house. But I did find a sympathetic solicitor who just charged me just £200 for all his advice/appointments. This might be quite unusual though. He wasn’t a big company and worked for himself so could do what he liked, and I think he felt sorry for me! So look at a few, larger firms and independents.

I found this poem helpful too:
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

by Portia Nelson

As you don’t have local friends and are estranged from your siblings, it’s super easy for your bullying husband to isolate you further from your ‘friend’ and embarrass you in public. He is enjoying the power of hurting you, and wants to foster self-doubt and self-loathing. He’s playing on your need for stability, your desire that your DC have an unbroken childhood.
Your DH is completely toxic. Vile. Remove him from your life quickly and immediately. Better that your DC grow up with a thriving mum than see her remain in a marriage to be crushed by this emotional thug.
Things can only get better from hereon.

I think distancing yourself from your friend is a good thing. However, I will say that I think men like this are GENIUSES at manipulating the narrative so that everyone, including other women, fall over themselves to be "supportive" and "helpful. It starts with the silly little "banter", "ooh, I don't do the washing up any more because she always complained I did it so badly because I once left a tiny bit of soap on a plate" and weirdly, probably due to the deeply misogynist society we live in, there's this instant sympathy and belief for the man, even if the woman had been telling her friends for months that he drives me her mad because a) he seldom washes up and b) when he does, he leaves food everywhere, doesn't bother to wipe anything down after etc. But with just one little "joke", his version becomes the official version. Seen it a million times.

Usually, they start by picking on an aspect of the woman's personality that is perhaps just slightly less than 100%. In SIL's case, it was that she can be weirdly defensive and unpleasant for no reason. This is true. As a result, for many many years, BIL managed to convinced everyone that SHE was the crazy/abusive/OTT person, including her family (DH and I were the only ones who saw through this shit for a long time. And I suspect the only reason the rest of them eventually came round is because BIL isn't actually that clever so he went too far a couple of times).

He is using financial threats against you but agree with PP - get a good lawyer as It think this will be very unlikely to go the way he thinks it will. For a start, you've paid in more. You're clearly the main caregiver etc. And, while I appreciate your issues with marriage, in this case, it might protect you.

@GerbilsForever24 very perceptive. Men are often much better at identifying horrors like these men for exactly this reason. A lot of women cannot wait to help these poor, charming men. Their motivation is not necessarily good, and the idea that there is some kind of sisterhood on this is laughable.

OP, you can handle this but you need to be extremely cool and plan. Men like this get the benefit of the doubt all the time. Plan with your lawyer very carefully.

Expect your "friend" to reappear out of "concern". Assume that she is speaking to your husband and you won't go far wrong.

Sounds just like my ex, I'm sorry. Your friend doesn't sound like one either. Get rid of both. No amount of ties is worth living like this

""I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him".

No you arent tied to him. you are tied to the idea that you want your life to be exactly the same only without him in it and that is sadly just not and never will be achieveable. dont underestimate how much even very young children know about their parents relationship. I bet they dont dote on him. I bet they are nice to him because it keeps the peace and they know it.

If you dont leave now then you never will. there will always be a reason to stay. cant take the kids out of school because they are settled, cant take the kids out of school because of their exams. there is always a reason to not go if you want there to be. This is your one life. this is your childrens only life. if you leave now they and you are young enough to rebuild. you wont have the life you had before but that means all the bad bits will be gone as well. Use that anger and channel it into making the break.

Thanks God you are coming to the conclusion you need to leave him. 'Well thanks for the advice,Judas but I've never asked or wanted you to be my marriage counselor or therapist-my stbx husband is quite the charmer in public but an abusive cunt in the home. You can move along and go stir shit on someone else than me and pretend I don't exist because that's how I feel about you!' Is how id reply to the so called friend

I would be changing swimming lesson days and times and anything else you have that means you are crossing paths with your so called friend. Whatever happens now she's shown you what she is.

Please don't fold and stay with someone who calls you a bitch. Get legal advice about your position and divorce him. Don't put it in his court, take control.

Block your passive aggressive Bitch 'friend', grey rock your abusive shithead husband and see a solicitor. Keep your cards close to your chest and focus your rage into hard action. You sound strong. Don't let you DH persuade you that you need him or are weak. You are strong.

What an utter utter bitch your 'friend' turned out to be.

A true friend would have had your back in this situation instead of stirring things up more, but you can thank her shitty behaviour for being the straw that finally broke the back of your marriage.

Your H's behaviour is deplorable, I cannot stand people who behave this way, he's a complete arse washing his dirty laundry in public, if he had something to say he needed to adult-up and discuss it with you in private.

Good riddance!

Thanks. Although I disagree that men are often better at spotting them. In my experience, men want to believe this narrative. It feeds into the "poor hard done by DH who tries so hard but nothing is ever good enough." and it offers lots of opportunities for banter and laughs at the pub. But I expect that.

It's just when women buy into it that I am surprised. The scales starting falling from MIL's eyes only when she complained to me about the lack of "things" SIL (her dd) did for BIL. At which point I asked her what BIL does for SIL. She was genuinely surprised when she realised how little it was. Made worse because at the time there was an easy correlation between DH (her son) and BIL in terms of family roles/responsibilities, earnings etc. I think it was a huge wake up call for her and I noticed a huge shift in her attitude to BIL after that. But that was after YEARS of buying his narrative.