Husband talked down to me and patronised me all day in front of my friends

[mightilypissedoff]

I'm am so fucking pissed off. This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him. I met up with a 'friend' today at swimming with the DC. My husband joined us and was to stay only a short time to help me keep an eye on the DC but he ended up staying with us for hours. He constantly made disparaging remarks aimed at me, made out I was a controlling and bullying wife and that he was the hard done by party. My 'friend' lapped up this information and turned around and told me off for picking on him! I'd mentioned to this friend in the past that we were having marriage problems but left it at that. Today she acted like a nosy cow but my husband delivered in spades and shared really private details of our relationship with her. I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging but she wouldn't listed either! Husband was also complimenting her left, right and centre, telling her he liked her bag, what she was wearing, etc.

I feel humiliated. I'm a very private person and only share intimate details about my life on a need to know basis but today I feel disrespected by both of them. I feel like they both had a laugh at my expense. I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

Just tell her to fuck off. Suggest she does some work on her friendship skills as they are shit and she is fired.

You shouldn’t be paying all the nursery fees but the fact that you are means that’s probably difficult to change. Could you up your hours? Is your younger eligible for the 3 year funding any time soon? Is there any way to move up pay wise at work.
I would begin to plot your medium term strategy.
I’d also psychologically separate and start rehearsing your life as a single parent, though it sounds like you are already doing a lot of this.

Also get rid of him money isnt worth your sanity and your kids will see this behaviour as they grow older

Some good and some absolutely terrible advice here.

Please do not message your friend. She is not your friend. Your job now is to cut her out of your life. She should have kept her mouth quiet. You need to avoid her at all cost whilst you focus on you.

Practicalities. How much is the house worth? How much would 50% be for you?
Why do you pay for the childcare alone?

Have a fresh new life, live somewhere else. He probably won't bother to take custody of the kids for any days.

Just remember, staying with him may backfire massively. I have seen it with my own eyes, one parent being put down by the other to the kids when mum wasn't around. It really lowers the standards of the mother. No matter all the effort she has put in raising her kids. You don't want your kids to turn against you. No idea why you had another child with him when he showed his character after the first.

Your replies seem like you don't want to do anything so all these replies may be a waste.

What did you want from posting? Just for us to tell you they are unreasonable? You'll just be miserable if that's all because you can change your life around. At least cut the friend out and you don't owe her any explanation.

Sounds like they fancy each other. She's no friend @mightilypissedoff.

Tell her to fuck off she's overstepped massively and then thinks she has the right to give relationship advice. Get rid of him the children will still love him, just not under your roof.

Completely agree with @saraclara - can you prioritise legal advice? And most definitely, re your friend - someone who makes you feel like that (and then pretends it hasn’t happened, with a mushy message) is not your friend. She collaborated with your husband to hurt you. You sound awesome and I’ve no doubt you have other friends who don’t make you feel like that.

While I realise you feel trapped financially I feel like this will only get harder - and have a worsening effect on your mental health? It’s shit but the sooner you act the sooner you’ll be away from him and in rebuilding mode.

I had a manipulative condescending dad like that. My mum stuck it out so we never had a chance to grow and develop without him there. I’d have chosen freedom from him over finances any day (though I realise I don’t know your situation).

Yes, he’s the twat PP have identified.
No doubt this was premeditated and calculated. He’s done this to demonstrate his power over you, to get a reaction to his mental cruelty. Deprive him. Don’t waste your time on him or on her.
Plan days out of the home which require him to step up as super dad (the shit that he is). Call him out on his paternal skills. Use the time to seek legal advice.
Keep smiling and confusing him as you overtly put 🦆 🦆 🦆Take back power.
When you’re rid of him, resend to your ‘DF’ her message.

A couple more suggestions:

Keep your powder dry. This means erasing your internet history, clearing your browser, making sure he hasn't installed some kind of spying/tracking software on your devices. Seek help about this if you're unsure.

Do some research before you see a solicitor. Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies. Also, some family solicitors' websites have good information about the divorce process - just make sure they are in the country where you live as, say, Scottish law can be different from England.

And start (discretely) collecting all financial information: bank and investment statements, salary slips, P60s, pensions, mortgage - everything. Keep this safe from his prying eyes...

Invest your mental energy in your career instead of endlessly ruminating about why he does what he does. Can you progress, get promotion, earn more? How long until your children are all at school?

Treat this as your primary project which will protect your interests and your and your children's future.

She is not your friend.As others have said give her the slow fade and then very low contact.
Your husband sounds like a nasty bully. Please start planning to leave and see a solicitor to help you with your exit strategy.

Is she shagging him?

My ex was like this OP. He would outright lie too. He would use MY card to pay at the till and make a big song and dance about how it was HIS turn AGAIN. He was such an ass. He was really insecure and desperate to discredit me and belittle me.

Thankfully my friends saw through him as he wasn’t v clever, your DH sounds smarter and more likeable. Sounds shit.

I thought this too

PLEAASE get away from this man, I left my abuser who belitteled me and hit my children. WE are so happy now. .. he kept he hosue and I am buying him out. Please don't accept this is your life, you are worth so mcuh more. call a local solicitor on Monday and have a free chat/ Also call womens aid they are brillaint

Block the 'friend'. Just hit block and ignore if you see her in real life. You need to save your outrage and your energy for the actual problem.

The first step is a solicitor.

Stop trying to present a front to other adults that he is a good Dad and dh and you have a happy marriage. That lie will not help you (as you learned with 'friend' today). If you keep saying everything is fine - and he keeps saying you are a controlling abuser - then people will believe him.

Who can you talk to honestly? Start building your network of support.

Brilliant!😂

Your husbands horrible and your 'friend' is worse. Youd be better off without both. Perhaps they can get together. I hope they haven't already done so but it wouldn't surprise me.

This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him.

He's been this way forever, yet you proceeded to marry and have kids with him. Why???
Was he the best you felt you could get?

I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I don't understand why you put yourself in this position. You knew what he was like and yet you've put yourself in this position and will be tied to him for years, even if you did get divorced.

The way they both behaved, it wouldn't surprise me if they hat something going on. He obviously had no regard or respect for you.

This sounds like you view him with contempt, and he certainly sees you that way. I don’t feel like there’s any way back from that. None of what you have said in your updates is a real reason to stay with him.

Both your husband and friend make themselves feel good by bringing you down, but your friend is a side issue - she can easily be removed from your life. I would fade her out and concentrate on leaving your husband.

OP do you think friend and DH are having an affair? Can you get some legal advice on your position if you separated? LIke a PP, I think it is easier on younger children - I was 6 when my parents divorced and think I suffered far less than my teenaged siblings who were more aware of the tensions in my parents marriage.

As others have said, talk to women's aid and get some legal advice.

You have more rights than you think.

These men think they're the law until a judge hands them their arse.

You need to get legal advice asap. It is highly unlikely that he could force the sale of your house. This is such a horrible environment for your kids to be growing up in. You can leave. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

Not the first person to suggest this, but are you sure they aren't having an affair?

Odd behaviour from both of them, as if trying to prove to you (and themselves) that your marriage isn't working. And why would your husband hang round for so long?

I wouldn't ditch this friend. Write a mushy response back so she doesn't feel remotely suspicious, get your paperwork in order, and watch and wait. Your husband sounds like exactly the kind of shit that would be having an affair.

Both are cunts. Both need getting rid of.

(and I don't mean that in the mafia way).

I'd be quietly planning my freedom, legal advice and the likes.

Don't put up with this nonsense. Life is too short as they say.

I would be messaging her back saying I really needed you to have my back. I have told you about the issues and this is what he does. Then back off.
Firstly I am massively concerned as to why he chose not to leave and to get your friend on his side. He sounds controlling. I wonder where else he does this to you. He has proved his true colours. Pretending to be mr nice guy and putting you down but not leaving you alone. Please make steps to make your life better.