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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband talked down to me and patronised me all day in front of my friends

126 replies

mightilypissedoff · 07/01/2023 17:49

I'm am so fucking pissed off. This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him. I met up with a 'friend' today at swimming with the DC. My husband joined us and was to stay only a short time to help me keep an eye on the DC but he ended up staying with us for hours. He constantly made disparaging remarks aimed at me, made out I was a controlling and bullying wife and that he was the hard done by party. My 'friend' lapped up this information and turned around and told me off for picking on him! I'd mentioned to this friend in the past that we were having marriage problems but left it at that. Today she acted like a nosy cow but my husband delivered in spades and shared really private details of our relationship with her. I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging but she wouldn't listed either! Husband was also complimenting her left, right and centre, telling her he liked her bag, what she was wearing, etc.

I feel humiliated. I'm a very private person and only share intimate details about my life on a need to know basis but today I feel disrespected by both of them. I feel like they both had a laugh at my expense. I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

OP posts:

HoppingAndHoping · 07/01/2023 19:08

I'm already paying the childrens nursery fees.

may I ask why that isn't a shared expense (especially if he earns so much more than you)?

I personally wouldn't engage with your "friend" btw. Polite/non-committal response and fade out....

I'd recommend ensuring that your contraception is reliable (and under your control) IF you're still sleeping with him.

There are charities and similar organisations that provide useful advice, legal aid etc. Contacting them even if you currently can't leave him still makes sense! It will help you prepare for the day you will.

BigHeadBertha · 07/01/2023 19:09

If it will make you feel better to give this "friend" a return slap as she deserves, go ahead. Maybe something quick like "Thanks but don't believe everything you hear and stay out of my marriage." Then block her. OR just block her. She's the easy part.

As far as the husband, if you think there's any chance your marriage can be saved, why not try marriage counseling first. As you're obviously quite aware, there's far more to lose with children are involved so it might be worth a shot, if you think there's anything here that can be redeemed. Good luck.

hattie43 · 07/01/2023 19:10

PrayingandHoping · 07/01/2023 17:51

She doesn't sound like much of a friend....

Exactly what I thought

PrinceHaz · 07/01/2023 19:13

They both sound utterly vile. I agree with the poster above. Make a long term plan to leave. Don’t talk to him about it as you don’t want him to get nasty. Take control of your life long term.

TooHotToRamble · 07/01/2023 19:14

Tbf to your friend it sounds like you haven't told your friend that your husband is a gaslighting narcissist abuser. Ime most people fail to see through this themselves. So if your DH is the first person telling her any details at all about your life, she probably hasn't seen through it and has believed what he has said. Narcissists are very believable as you have noticed with others before. They can be master manipulators. Some people see through them, some people will do do over time, but many never do. Partly because the narcissist won't allow them to see the side they show you.

A bit of ribbing of a mutual "friend" is a fairly normal way of establishing a connection ime and what she said wasn't really that bad in itself. Understandable it upset you in the context of everything else but your friend may not have seen all of that.

Personally if you normally "love" this friend as you say I'd give her another chance. But I think you need to think about opening up to her and seeing how she reacts. If it's not supportive when she has all the facts (and bear in mind you now need to undo all the damage your DH has done by getting in there first!), then you need to ditch imo.

I'd also think of letting some other friends and family (that you can trust) into what's really going on so you can get some people on side. This will be especially important for you when you decide to leave him. Most people will behave very simply and go with what they are presented with. If you haven't let anyone see or hear what's actually happening from your perspective it's not surprising they are all on his side, they haven't heard your perspective. They aren't mind readers. He certainly won't be keeping things to himself and will be spreading his lies and misinformation far and wide. You need to balance that with the truth or he will continue to twist things and turn people against you.

Motnight · 07/01/2023 19:14

Your husband and your friend have made you feel small and insignificant. That's so sad, Op. Cut her out of your life straight away. That's the easy part. Your husband deserves the same treatment but you aren't there yet.

Keep posting here.

Godlovesall26 · 07/01/2023 19:18

Also, can I ask what you mean by neglect ? I’m sorry it’s an invasive question, I don’t think the details are necessary, I just mean is this something you can prove to ensure primary custody etc. Or can start trying to build proof of in some way. Or it risks being your word against his. Maybe seeking advice on this could help, maybe other posters will know hopefully.

NerrSnerr · 07/01/2023 19:25

You will end up doing more harm to your children by staying. If he isn't doing his fair share of parenting now it is really unlikely he will go for 50-50 (even though he'll continually tell you that's what he wants).

If you genuinely think your children are at risk with him and would come to harm what do you think he'll do and you can't be around 247 at home so surely they're already at risk?

frozendaisy · 07/01/2023 19:28

Perhaps your friend did have your back.
Much easier to get info from someone via flattery.

You say you are a private individual yet have already shared marital issues with friend.

So go out with her one night. She is most likely not trying to steal your husband.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 07/01/2023 19:34

Have you replied to her? I’d be tempted to reply that you find it seriously hard to believe she loves you after today’s performance! She doesn’t sound like a friend at all. And as far as your husband goes, I understand how difficult it is, I really do (I ended my own very difficult marriage 10 years ago) but believe me, it’s doing your children more harm than good learning to be grateful for crumbs of attention from him…

Haveagentlechristmas · 07/01/2023 19:35

He sounds like a narcissist op. Time to get ducks in a row and go grey rock. Don't give him anything he can use to show you up. Just become very very boring and monotone. He sounds like a real dick.

Gemmanorthdevon · 07/01/2023 19:38

mightilypissedoff · 07/01/2023 18:40

Ps. Husband became a grade A arsehole after the birth of DC1 and then went one notch higher when DC2 came along. I've lost all respect, love, affection and regard for him. If I mentioned divorce, he'll threaten to force the sale of the house and make me homeless (I wouldn't be able to afford anything in the area). I was raised in care so he knows how important is for me to have a stable base for me and the DC.

The CMS Will have a field day with him with what he earns by the sounds!

A family court is obligated to consider the way of life the children had when you were married. They also consider distance to school, being separated from friends and extended family etc etc... So if the sale of the family home would cause any disruption ( your 50% wouldn't get you anything In area ) then I don't "think" he is allowed to force sale until kids are 18 🙂 Get some proper legal advice! Go to your local law centre or get a free half hour with a solicitor discreetly. You will be reassured I'm sure.

Get rid of them both!

amiold · 07/01/2023 19:42

When he was going on why didn't you just say "hmm well that's not true is it?" Is there any truth in what he's saying?

amiold · 07/01/2023 19:43

mightilypissedoff · 07/01/2023 18:40

There's no guarantee he can force the sale

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 19:46

Get real legal advice you won't be as bad off as you think

ICanHideButICantRun · 07/01/2023 19:46

I wonder whether he thinks that if he pays the mortgage the house doesn't belong to you at all?

He sounds really awful. She sounds as though she'd jump into bed with him the first chance she got.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2023 19:47

Your husband is straight out of the abusers 101 handbook and he is not above the law. He just wants to play Disney dad to his children, if he really did care about them he would never abuse you as their mother and or threaten you and they with
homelessness.

I think some time spent with a Solicitor to properly go through your rights re divorcing your abuser will be time well spent. You do not have to act on this immediately but staying in such a marriage will only harm your children and you even more and also right in front of your very eyes. Trying to protect them from his abused of you and in turn them whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

layladomino · 07/01/2023 19:47

If one of your children was in your relationship, what would you advise them to do?

The best thing for your children would be for you to leave him. At the moment, they are living with a 'shit, neglectful' father who abuses their mother. It doesn't sound like you'd have to worry too much about how well he looked after them if you split - it sounds as though he wouldn't want to have the responsibility.

At the moment, your children are seeing a bad relationship playing out in front of them. There is a real risk they will replicate your relationship in their own when they are older. And aside from that, your children would be better off if you were happy. Away from that man you could rebuild yourself and have a lovely life with your DCs. That would be so much better for them.

I know it isn't easy. I've been there. But please don't put yourself through years more of this torture. Start to reclaim your life now. Could you see a solicitor (don't tell him of course) and see where you would stand financially? You might be pleasantly surprised.

Jozn · 07/01/2023 19:47

So… I have a 13 year old son. I am married to father but it’s a fractious relationship. Son now witnesses the arguments. It’s won’t be easy to split, please can I have suggestions on how I help my son cope with what he sees/hears/has said to him (not from me). I just want to help him cope.

VioletLemon · 07/01/2023 19:48

Come on, you can do it, just remember who you are and you don't want to be like this. LTB

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 19:48

If you feel like telling her to fuck off then tell her to fuck off. Tell her he's done what he usually does and has been utterly vile to you and she joined in! That she's no friend.

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 19:49

Jozn · 07/01/2023 19:47

Might be worth doing your own thread.

saraclara · 07/01/2023 19:51

Please get some legal advice. It might well be that your situation wouldn't be as bad as you think.

Your friend is SO much not your friend that I don't know where to go with it. Anyone who told me that I needed to work on myself (using that phrasing) would no longer be my friend.
She collaborated with your husband to make you feel stupid and small. No friend does that. I'd want to block her.

Quveas · 07/01/2023 19:57

She's not your friend. My friends husband did the same to her in front of anyone around. He did it once in my company, and I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. He never did it in front of me again. He's now her ex. I'm still her friend.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/01/2023 19:57

TooHotToRamble has put it perfectly and understands the narcissist very well. Please do as she said and let family and friends know he is gaslighting you and making you out to be something you are not so you look like the bad person. My ex did this to me and called to my sister and other family members and fed them a load of bullcrap about me when we broke up so he looked good and they believed him as I kept everything to myself as in how he had changed and was behaving and emotionally abusive and did not understand it all at the time as knew nothing about gaslighting and narcissism and wish I had spoken up and told family and friends what was happenening but I was so confused. I went from being a happy confident person to a shell of myself so staying will not help you or your children but will break you. They are young so they will be ok and it is more important that you are happy as that will make them happy. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave and harder for the children. There is help out there so please talk to people and women's aid. Keep posting on here for support also.

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