Husband talked down to me and patronised me all day in front of my friends

[mightilypissedoff]

I'm am so fucking pissed off. This man has tried chipping away at my friendships for as long as I have known him. I met up with a 'friend' today at swimming with the DC. My husband joined us and was to stay only a short time to help me keep an eye on the DC but he ended up staying with us for hours. He constantly made disparaging remarks aimed at me, made out I was a controlling and bullying wife and that he was the hard done by party. My 'friend' lapped up this information and turned around and told me off for picking on him! I'd mentioned to this friend in the past that we were having marriage problems but left it at that. Today she acted like a nosy cow but my husband delivered in spades and shared really private details of our relationship with her. I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging but she wouldn't listed either! Husband was also complimenting her left, right and centre, telling her he liked her bag, what she was wearing, etc.

I feel humiliated. I'm a very private person and only share intimate details about my life on a need to know basis but today I feel disrespected by both of them. I feel like they both had a laugh at my expense. I know I need to divorce this loser but am sadly tied to him for financial reasons and the fact that our DC are really, really young and dote on him.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

Surely that's just creating more drama for her to be inappropriately involved in. The friend will do what the friend wants and had no boundaries. Awful friend. I'd be thinking the friend is cancelled, the marriage is the nuclear issue.

It’s so sad, you see it on here time and time again, women staying with a man for the money and taking the abuse for it. I don’t know what to say. You aren’t leaving him, so what more is there.

Don’t do this op. It’s just more drama. You are there for the money. Just accept this is the price. Disengage with this woman though. But there will be others.

I couldn't resist and have sent the 'friend' a message saying how disappointed I am in her prodding and poking my husband to get more information instead of shutting the conversation down when he started.

I've also had it out with my husband who denies having done any wrong. And, then saying I pushed him into sharing what a bitch I am because I deserve it. He's always held the threat of forcing a sale of our house over me. I've asked him to contact a lawyer and do his best. Fuck this. I'm not living like this. I feel fucking humiliated after today. And, yes, I'm not setting a good example for the DC living like this. I'm just scared of our lives changing massively on the back of us divorcing. I stand to lose more since I've paid a bigger deposit into the house than he has. Also, work needs doing to the house which I've paid for and it upsets me that he'll benefit from that when the house gets split 50/50. Bastard.

Marriage is a trap for women. I'll never get married again. Ever.

Well done OP for finding your anger. Your DC will be better having a mum who knows her worth and values herself honestly they will, even if day to day life is harder for them. Get a lawyer - Monday morning start calling them for an appointment.

@mightilypissedoff - there is no point in lashing out. You need to channel and contain your anger and act rationally.

Do you have proof of the deposit and home improvements you paid?

Find all financial documentation, as listed in my previous post, read Divorce for Dummies or similar, and see an experienced family solicitor.

You need to keep a clear head now! 💐

Good for you @mightilypissedoff

@mightilypissedoff

It's fine you messaged the (ex) friend. But now leave it there.

You need to focus your energy on leaving.

I absolutely relate to your situation. My exH was exactly the same - charming, warm, easygoing. Everyone loved him. When I was in dire straits as he was so abusive to me, I couldn't tell anyone. For years. I just knew they wouldn't believe me.

I believed myself to be 'difficult' - mainly because he created this fiction & I believed it 😔 but also because my own family weren't very nice to me & treated me quite badly, and when I stood up to them, that got labelled 'difficult'.

(In reality, I may have been somewhat immature & overly emotional, something I've managed better with age, but I was not difficult. I was just in a dynamic of being cast as such in order that they could ignore my feelings).

Of course, that's how men like this trap is - they appear so lovely, we & other around us fall for that & their abuse can hide in plain sight.

My exH used to often make me feel really shit, using subtle put downs or acting disrespectfully to me around others, in the guise of 'fun'. (I remember a very good friend's wedding, we'd had our 2nd baby who was about 7 weeks old so B&G were ok with them coming). He got obnoxiously drunk, I obviously wasn't drinking as baby + BF. I didn't mind the drinking bit, but he spent the evening laughing at me in a really horrible way; and of course being so drunk could take no care of the baby so I had to miss most of my DF's reception. Of course when I tried to say anything to another friend the next day, I could see she thought I was being ridiculous about my H just having a few drinks.

I am 9 years post-separation, and only finally nearly at divorce stage. He made it a living hell. Still is. Like you, I tried to hang on for our v small DC, until I realised it was really unhealthy.

I was terrified of what he'd try. He's tried it all. The DC now want nothing to do with him as a result of how he's treated them & let them down. He's now pursuing me in court alleging parental alienation. (Kids now 15, 13, 11 & have phones, are contactable, they can have contact with him anytime they he wants but they don't want it)

However, every day no matter how hard it is, I thank God I ended it. I have had a lot of therapy, recognise the abuse, and am getting stronger.

I worried too re contact / custody as he's so rubbish. But in reality, he didn't want them. I suspect yours might be similar - all talk.

As huge as it seems, I promise you'll be able to deal with what comes 💐

It's the fact that you are married that will protect you now. If you weren't, you'd have no right to a share of his pension and other investments.

Be aware that pensions are often more valuable than home equity. You need competent legal advice.

I think this too.

I inwardly grit my teeth & smile outwardly when I hear of anyone getting engaged. (I mean I do know really that there are many great men & happy marriages, including in my own family. But it's just how difficult is when it is bad)

It's the fact that you are married that will protect you now.

True of course but these same protections often are perfect fodder for abusive men.

My ex has delighted in messing me around & delaying the legal process; if I want to hold onto the house I will have to give him a substantial settlement - despite his non-contribution over the years (tho we're doing our best to mitigate this in court).

I kept giving him the eye, indicating that he should stop and also told her not to encourage him and to stop digging

I don’t understand why you are angry at your friend.

Instead of giving your DH ‘the eye’ and telling your friend to stop, you should have been telling your DH to stop.

As a single parent myself I think you are making a lot of excuses as to why you can’t leave.
You can leave, you just don’t want to for whatever reason.

Well done OP!!! We are rooting for you ❤️ The messages he’s giving you about finance sound like efforts to manipulate you and keep you there.

The idea you ‘deserve’ to be spoken down to is unspeakably horrible (and classic narcissistic rubbish). There is a lot of joy and happiness to be had on the other side of this/him - on some level he also knows that. Time to rally x

I've also had it out with my husband who denies having done any wrong. And, then saying I pushed him into sharing what a bitch I am because I deserve it. He's always held the threat of forcing a sale of our house over me. I've asked him to contact a lawyer and do his best. Fuck this. I'm not living like this. I feel fucking humiliated after today. And, yes, I'm not setting a good example for the DC living like this. I'm just scared of our lives changing massively on the back of us divorcing. I stand to lose more since I've paid a bigger deposit into the house than he has. Also, work needs doing to the house which I've paid for and it upsets me that he'll benefit from that when the house gets split 50/50. Bastard.

OK good. Now stop having it out with him (you won't get anywhere except giving him information on what pushes your buttons), get quiet, get serious and get free professional advice from a solicitor and or legal aid clinic. You will need to get organised and hold back all information from you h. You don't want to show your hand before you've played it. This is a long game op and the shock factor will go in your favour, so play your cards close to your chest.

I stand to lose more since I've paid a bigger deposit into the house than he has. Also, work needs doing to the house which I've paid for and it upsets me that he'll benefit from that when the house gets split 50/50.

Find any documentation that you have for that, and leave that with your lawyer.

I've received a really mushy message from this friend just now telling me she loves me and is looking out for me and that I need to do some work on myself if I'm to save my marriage but I feel like telling her to fuck off. The husband is downstairs atm with the DC- I needed to get away from him- but I feel like blasting him the minute the DC are asleep. He's been utterly vile today and played the victim act to perfection. He always manages to convince others that he's miserable and that his life is all my fault. I'm a strong, upbeat and resilient person and people always believe him. I'm always made out to be the wicked witch. I'm so fucking angry right now.

You don't need either of this pair in your life.
Next time you are out with H, if he attempts this triangulation crap again - walk away. Just hold up your hand with a "can I just stop you there? - you're starting up with your bullshit again but this time I'm not prepared to sit & listen to it" & walk away. Leave the DC with him, he'll manage.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202110/understanding-triangulation

In the meantime - who is on Team You?
Can you confide in a close friend or relative?

As to this other 'friend' - the smug, gaslighting bitch - by all means tell her to fuck off. She is clearly getting off on buying H;s bullshit & enjoying the drama.

He's always held the threat of forcing a sale of our house over me. I've asked him to contact a lawyer and do his best. Fuck this. I'm not living like this. I feel fucking humiliated after today. And, yes, I'm not setting a good example for the DC living like this. I'm just scared of our lives changing massively on the back of us divorcing. I stand to lose more since I've paid a bigger deposit into the house than he has. Also, work needs doing to the house which I've paid for and it upsets me that he'll benefit from that when the house gets split 50/50. Bastard.
Yes, total bastard.
Tomorrow start looking for your SHL (shit hot lawyer).
You may be able to make a case for you getting your larger deposit back when you split, because you will be RP & need to house your children.
50/50 is the assumed starting point for most divorces. However, this can be affected by who put in what, who is taking care of the children, or even offset against other assets like pensions.
Get advice - you will feel more in control once you have that back-up.

Financially, I feel stuck. I'm already paying the childrens nursery fees. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own too.
Why are you paying the nursery fees?
Does he refuse to contribute?
That's another point to take to your SHL - I would be agitating for 50% of everything you have paid out to date to be re-allocated to you from the house sale proceeds. Then a documented agreement to pay 50% of all childcare costs going forward.

You could also choose to get ahead of his forced sale threat by bringing in a couple of estate agents for a valuation. Just to wipe the smugness of his face when he sees you taking control. Don't do this until you have safely copied all financial info (plus DC's birth certs, passports, health records) & left them with your SHL though.

That nasty bitch is not your friend.

Cut her off.

Call Womens aid for advice.

He is abusing and threatening you.

Assemble all financial information and put it somewhere safe.

Reach out to real friends for support.

Staying with someone so vile is not good for your children.

@EarringsandLipstick, so sorry to read you have had it so hard.

I too am coming to the conclusion that women need to stay working, keep separate bank accounts, and have no more than one child.

Marriage is not great for a lot of women unfortunately.

We’ll done you’ve called his bluff. What a prince. Can’t wait to read your next step.

Kindly, I think your husbands comments have made you extra sensitive, from what you’ve said here your friend was making basic banter comments.

most would find amusing or give back in kind.

Not one of my friends would have behaved like that

This friend is not a friend. She is a good old emotional vulture. A decent person does not lap up derogatory comments in conversation when that person is there.

She loves you indeed. What a colossal narc.

See if you can get them two to have an affair.