*Question for men*

[Aussiegirl123456]

I had dinner with friends yesterday evening and we got on the discussion of affairs (okay, we were gossiping about someone we used to work with).
All friends (5 of them) said that most, like 99% of married men, would not turn down the opportunity of no strings attached sex with a woman offering it to them.

So hypothetically, if a gorgeous female offered you no strings attached sex without any repercussions, would you go for it? Or be a loyal husband? Just seems so cynical!

How did that work then? Did said married man just randomly offer to shag you or was there some kind of emotional/flirting build up between the pair of you before said proposal?

No, usually just chatting at work, and at some point, you get onto the question of whether you're married and whether you have kids, and I've usually answered single, as that's been the case more ioften than not in my life. And then at some point, they'd say something like, "if you ever feel lonely in bed, I can help out," or whatever. Given that I usually already knew about their own wife and children at this point, I don't know what would have happened if I'd said yes please, and surely they can't have actually expected me to agree?

The fact I was single seemed far more pertinent than the fact they weren't. I work in a very male-dominated industry, so I guess I have the novelty factor. What was more annoying was available men who turned me down, and in more than one case actually laughed in my face when I expressed an interest, so I'm under no illusion that I'm irresistible to men.

This is patently untrue because infidelity is around 40% for unmarried couples and about 20% for married couples. If what you say is true then the numbers would be a lot higher because it's fairly easy to go and have sex with women without your partner finding out.

Also it's funny because most of the men I know wouldn't go there. I guess this is mostly an exercise in who you hang around with and how they skew your beliefs.

I think most men or women don’t cheat. Look around us, most of our parents, our friends, our relations, have not cheated in a marriage. I think most people are really decent, and do include loving their wives or husbands to mean ‘don’t betray them’. Betrayal is a serious, huge, breach of trust. It’s unstable and unsafe for a family.

I’ve had two marriages. My first husband was incredibly loyal and never cheated, even though he was in an industry where women were regularly hitting on him, and there were loads of opportunities.

My second husband was a regular, family guy. Very responsible, everyone respected and admired him. Worked in an industry with mostly men, loved his home and family. Supposedly really loved me. We had a good marriage, in all senses, but I kept getting the feeling that he wasn’t always that present with me. Turned out he was cheating all along with absolutely loads of women. Realised beneath the ‘good’ facade he was seriously messed up, narcissistic and controlling.

It made me think maybe the odd ‘one night messed up’ cheating could happen in a regular marriage. But for people who can cheat for any length of time, who can lie to the person who trusts them the most, I think it shows quite a sinister side to their character and is an abusive thing in a marriage to do to the other partner. So no, I don’t think 99% of men would do this, 99% of men are not abusive.

Thanks for the response.

I have worked in numerous office environments for different organisations (freelance consultant) and I have always been fascinated by the social dynamics between people and how flexible 'moral boundaries' become and the lengths some people go to justify in their heads that their behaviour is harmless. I am talking about both attached men and women here. Watching how a bit of friendly office chat evolves into regular coffee breaks together, then lunches, then post work drinks etc, all harmless of course, 'we are just friends'. My observations were that men were more likely to 'try it on' and are less shameless about it but equally quite a few women were more then happy to receive the attention and dare I say 'go with the flow' while knowing that the man is attached or indeed they are as well, again running with the 'we are just friends' mitigation. I know that surveys suggest that men are more likely to cheat but if I recall correctly women were not that many percentage points behind in the same surveys and my admittedly anecdotal observations tally with those figures. It is a bit of a lazy trope on here that many think all men will cheat given the sniff of an opportunity, but I have been in many hotel bars on work trips 'away' to see all sorts of nonsense going on between married or attached work colleagues.

Not sure about that.
If you read the threads where the DH has had an affair, more or less all of them say the same thing

I didn’t think he would ever do that. He has always been so vocal about affairs. He is a pillar if our little town. Everyone loves him….

And still they were CAUGHT cheating. (Or had to fess up because the AP threatened to tell the wife).

Surely the same can be said about anyone in a relationship, they are hardly going to be parading about the place advocating how affairs are not a big deal and publically flirting with all and sundry.

What my friends did say was how shocked they were at the men who were asking them to meet. Just usual family men who nobody would suspect. They’d seen their neighbours on dating sites and colleagues. So I do think that there are men (and women obviously) who you’d never suspect but they’re up to no good.

I was very surprised that someone I know in a long marriage had affairs. He said the choice was breaking up the family and leaving the marriage and he could keep the affair secret. I know of someone else who has also done the same. They felt they were strangers with their spouse but didn't want to leave because of their children and waited until the children were over 18 to end the marriage even though the affairs ended. I haven't ever been in that situation but I know I would feel sick with anxiety. It seems sad to me to be married but want to be with someone else, almost just unfair on everyone...

They can leave.

No reason to go and cheat.

And how many people just here on MN who find their partner have been cheating, has said that they were still having sex?
So many.

And no one has to have sex they don’t want to. No one is entitled to sex.

Yes, I noticed that too.
It’s all about them.

Don't get your point. I am man with male friends over a lifetime, I know what they do or don't get up to.

Yes I can well believe that the person you are describing here would cheat.

But most men don't, and the stats bear it out.

Yes but it stand out more than the people that just don't get involved in that. They are quitely in the background getting on with it, and there's more of them than the people you are describing.

If you believe most people cheat you will find evidence to support it.

The truth is most people don't. The number of people that do is significant, but it isn't most.

Male replying, and a bit of context too - I'm in a sexless marriage. However, given the opportunity to cheat I don't think I would. I've lost an awful lot of myself as a result of this dysfunctional marriage. However I have clung on to a modicum of self respect, cheating would lose me this.

So it is still a purely selfish reason (typical man!) and I'm happy to accept that.

I don’t think that’s selfish. Good for you, you sound decent.

Just asked H response "no such thing as no stings forget about it sex" he would still know would make him feel less of a husband would rather have a self hand job should the need arise.

The hypothetical is impossible, at least in my case: there would be strings attached to my conscience. Plus, how would I be sure that she'd never try to get back in touch?

Sex is never without consequences.

That's me though- I have a friend who worked in the Gulf, with men generally without wives and girlfriends being in the country (if they had them.) A lot of 'commercial transactions' were had by them. They were a rough crowd.

Im in a circle of 5 or 6 married , successful and generally good looking, happily married males who would probably have little difficulty getting ino extra marital relations if they wanted. But none would do that they as all have too much to lose. Sure, there might be some occasional flirty conversations with attractive other people during nights out, but I have absolute certainty that none would be at all interested in cheating, even if it was presented on a plate, They have too much love and respect for their wives and children and wouldn't risk that.

Absolute rubbish.

I would never do it, no desire to at all.

I do know men that would and I do know men that I don't think would.

Maybe I'm that 1%?

I can't see how it could ever be truly risk free either.

Any PIV sex, whatever contraception is used, carries some risk of pregnancy, and if the sex is with someone you don't know you're less likely to be certain of what's being used anyway. A pregnancy has the potential to become walking, talking proof of the adultery, and thanks to DNA testing and social media we live in a world where it's much harder to hide.

So the question would be more about weighing up the risk, which could still be a pretty small one.

It's not just good-looking people who have affairs.

No you're the 60% or so that aren't inclined that way. A lot of people can handle monogamy perfectly fine and enjoy the benefits.

I honestly don't understand why people who are inclined towards monogamy don't just partner with people who are similarly inclined, and how monogamous people can't spot that their partner isn't similarly inclined.

Probably because people lie or get bored or change and want different things I guess.
I think your estimate of 60% of people being ‘good’ and faithful is accurate, that’s roughly what I would have guessed.

No, but the question was hypothetical. IF there was zero chance…would you?

I agree