*Question for men*

[Aussiegirl123456]

I had dinner with friends yesterday evening and we got on the discussion of affairs (okay, we were gossiping about someone we used to work with).
All friends (5 of them) said that most, like 99% of married men, would not turn down the opportunity of no strings attached sex with a woman offering it to them.

So hypothetically, if a gorgeous female offered you no strings attached sex without any repercussions, would you go for it? Or be a loyal husband? Just seems so cynical!

Very true.

Even though cheating can cause immense pain to someone, can leave people with PTSD. There's no care for their partner behind their reasons.

I'll give a different reply. But then I'm a (self diagnosed) vulnerable narcissist. With alcohol involved, I nearly did during marriage 1 but at the last moment said no. What I did do in marriage 1 was have an emotional affair that led to me ending that marriage. It became a physical relationship very soon after I told my wife I was leaving. (See other posts for why my affair was life ruining for so many).

I'm sure there are a few men and women with very little conscience who have casual sex with others whilst married and don't care that it could hurt others. I'm sure there's a larger number who are able to shut off parts of themselves when they do so. I was able to compartmentalise like this for many years, it's something I think narcissists learn to do (at least those who lacked good enough parenting). It means that the awful behaviour we are capable of is not held in mind at other times. We 'almost' forget we do it and cannot see it for what it is. I have empathy but it is not available to me all the time.

I also think people are actually more likely to cheat when there is a problem in the primary relationship or within the person and they have developed some form of relationship with the person they cheat with. Some form of connection, however warped, beyond simply 'no strings' sex. My EA came from huge problems within me, never adequately addressed by me, and the OW being interested in me and wanting out of her marriage. I'm pretty sure if she'd met me the first time and said 'let's have sex and then you'll never see me again' I'd have been flattered, excited and would have said no.

@VisaGeezer I wouldn't cheat, for a whole variety of reasons, including the ones that you wrote. I don't think it's totally fair to assume that everyone here is listing out every reason. I would never want to hurt anyone in that way. It's about love and respect and care and conscience and other things. So many reasons not to cheat.

You missed me out here. I don't have to rationalise it by what I would lose, or what it would do to my partner or because I love my partner. Having been around the block it's just not even a temptation for me so I don't have to think about the why. I actually think saying you wouldn't do it because you love and respect your partner means you actually had to reason about doing it in the first place.

How about men who are unhappy in sexless marriages? There’s a lot of them, how many women here say they can’t bear their partner touching them? A lot!

I think too a lot of it is because of the experiences they have which may have clouded their judgement. They match with men on dating sites and then realise after messaging / meeting that said men are married and looking for a bit on the side. So I understand where they’re coming from in that respect, but at the same time it’s not great for them to say that 99% of men would cheat. I do hold men to a higher standard.

Haha they did soften the blow and say my husband is definitely in the 1% which was nice. But I would predict maybe only 30% of men would cheat IF no chance of getting caught??

A lot of responses on here are lovely, so nice to read.

So true

When my relationship was strong I actively discouraged female sexual interest and made it obvious I was in a relationship if someone was interested in me. After her affair that changed but only because my relationship was dead.

I did cheat when technically still in a relationship (after 10 months of no sex, her affair and zero affection) and still felt shit about it.

I think that bit is so important @Jonnywishbone , months (or years) of no sex and zero affection.

@Aussiegirl123456

what you have here is confirmation bias.

Honestly, if there was 100% chance of DP never finding out, then I probably would.

I don't particularly subscribe to the whole monogamy thing when it comes to sex. I want to spend the rest of my life with DP, I don't particularly want to only have sex with DP for the rest of my life. DP on the other hand would definitely not be on board with either of us shagging anyone else.

I've never had an affair, or cheated on DP. The price of spending the rest of my life with DP is that I don't get to have sex with anyone else. That would hurt DP, so it's not something I'd do.

If there was a 100% chance that I could do it without hurting DP then I might. But thats a theoretical, because 100% isn't possible. I've bumped into neighbours half way round the world, there's always going to be some chance of it getting back to DP. Even if that risk is 0.000000000001%, it's still too high.

The OP said the partner would not find out. So why would the responders talk about their partners being hurt?

Yes, it’s a small world hey! I moved to Australia and brought a house right next door to my old English primary school teacher! Who hated me (with justification, I was a horror).

Thank you for your honest answer, appreciate it.

But the question specified 'no repercussions', which I took to mean nobody finding out. So in this scenario nobody's partner is being hurt because they don't find out

Some men never would, but there are plenty others who would. I have had more than one married man offer to go to bed with me. I never understood why they would risk their marriages for me - I'm average rather than gorgeous, overweight, small breasts, and they wouldn't know if I'm fabulous in bed. I'm currently on OLD, and there are hordes of married men on there, some of whom are open about it, but not all.

And of course there are married women on fabswingers. It's a swinging site. There are loads of couples there.

You’re correct. That’s how I intended the question to be, that nobody would ever find out / be hurt. Just the perfect opportunity and would men take it.

That’s what my friends were saying; that a lot of men have dating profiles with their faces on and are openly stating they’re married, being so blasé. Crazy!

That’s really interesting, I have previously read that women get bored with monogamy quicker than men do, but I also think that some women have potentially more to loose if that get caught cheating.

I suppose there's the concept of doing wrong to someone and disrespecting them, without them finding out.

Also there's the deception ..... The ultimate "lying by omission" to omit the fact you've done that.

Personally I do not think anyone who's cheated is owed fidelity, therefore to me infidelity against someone who's cheated is not actually infidelity. I would never ever judge someone for it, but I would suggest they should probably get out of the relationship.

NO!

I think you're looking for something to be offended by.

I read a thread yesterday about a woman asking her husband to leave. There's a 3 year old daughter in the marriage. All the replies were celebrating her getting rid of the husband no comment on what that may mean for the child.

This is Mumsnet. Female viewpoint-centric.

Women frequently post about how their husbands pester them for sex and are disgusting. They’re given sympathy.

Women also frequently post about how their husbands don’t want sex or affection and how they need it to not feel abandoned. They’re given sympathy.

Men post about how their wives don’t want sex or affection and they’re called names such as disgusting, sex obsessed, rapist etc.

I understand how much a cold marriage can affect someone’s mental well-being and I generally think it’s better for the children to live in one or two homes with happy people than one cold and unfeeling home.

But if anyone thinks they might lose touch or AS MUCH touch with their children then I understand them staying for that reason.

Anyone can decide they don’t want sex, for any reason, but you don’t get to choose that way of life for your partner and then moan when they have an affair or leave.

But even if they never found out, thats still the ultimate shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly loved and respected. Its like saying to someone, I'm going to do the most disrespectful thing I could ever do, but it doesn't matter because you'll never know about it. That doesn't make it ok.

Personally I could never even consider doing that to my partner. Regardless of whether they never find out and be hurt. I wouldn't for one second think about what I'd lose. I'd just be thinking I could never break someones trust like that, or risk, however small, breaking apart in the worst way possible the person I loved more than anything in the world. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was the sort of person who could do something like that simply because my partner wouldn't know about it.

I think if I was ever in a situation where I even considered for a minute cheating on them, with or without possible repurcussions, I would have to seriously question if I really loved my partner. Because I 100% know that the amount of love and respect I have for my partner now would mean it wouldn't even enter my head as an option.

I’d be thinking “honey trap”