Partner just left to find himself - what do I do?

[Scaredd]

I'm 32 and my boyfriend (29) of ten years has just left to go live at his parents house as he needs to figure himself out. This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day. I am absolutely devastated and my anxiety is now so high. I haven’t been to work in a week and have been so lucky for the bank holidays.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at. I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying. I work from home and have no friends here as I moved for his work and to be closer to his family. I can’t move back home as there is no where to go and all my friends are dotted around the country anyway. I’m so scared I’m going to be completely isolated.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time? His mum didn’t have him until her early 40s so he thinks I have plenty of time. He has been my support system for so long, but also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

Or do I find a way to move on to secure the potential of me having children? And if so how? I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

You've actually got more chance of having children now he's gone - you have the freedom to meet someone on your wavelength.

First of all, decide where you want to live. Don't just stay there in the hope he'll come back. What kind of place would you like to live in - city, coast, village, small town? Where does your favourite person live (not him)?

Then think about how you can make new friends. Don't stay where you are - you'll just worry about bumping into him. Do you want to get fit? Do you like arty things? What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

This is a chance for you to start again - grab it with both hands.

Hi Op
I think unfortunately both of you have settled into co dependant type of Needy relationship,
I do think it's selfish of him to have left like that,
with things up in the air like that,

I think in your situation now, is to look at what you really want out of life,

Don't wait around for him, wondering whether he might or might not come to his senses,
Look at ways you can get more support feel less isolated,

I really think you need to look at why you are desperately to just settling for this ?

What struck me reading your Op Thread how little confidence you have in yourself,

Why is that then?

What has happened in your life to just crumbs of so called husk of Relationship then?
The answer to this question could go back to your childhood experiences

If he's avoided commitment and hasn't figured himself out after 10 years then I doubt he's suddenly going to change in 6 months. It sounds like you got together very young if you've been together 10 years. Maybe you've just changed as people over that time, it happens.

Personally, I wouldn't wait around. Don't waste any more time hanging around for someone who doesn't make you a priority OP. Try to get into socialising again and build up some self esteem. You stand more of a chance of having children if you move on, otherwise before you know it you're 36 before trying to meet someone new; have to spend time building a relationship etc and then you're 40 and fertility is waning. It's scary starting again, but believe me, it can be done.

What has happened to just accept crumbs of husk of relationship then Op?

He isn't coming back. Don't wait. If he wanted to marry you he would have.

If you have to work from home then find other ways of meeting new friends. Get a hobby or volunteer somewhere a few hours a week.

I dont think he will come back :( Im sorry.. Hes tasting the freedom and i think he never wanted to settle with you its just hes taken this long to get the balls to ACTUALLY do something rather than just argue about it.

He's gone. Let all hope of him coming back die. That will hurt a lot but he's actually done you a favour leaving now instead of wasting your fertile years.

What's your work? How easy would it be for you to move once you've identified where you want to be?

You've been with him pretty much your entire adult life. It doesn't seem to have done you much good as you describe yourself as anxious, isolated, low on self-confidence, fearful. This may pre-date your involvement with him, or it may be a function of living out your life in an insecure relationship with someone who refused to shit or get off the pot for 10 years. Once you have let go of the possibility of a life with him, and taken steps towards a new one, you may find your mental health improves dramatically.

A good test of this would be to cut him off completely at this point and see how he reacts. If he genuinely wants to take time out and 'find himself' then he'll accept it. If he's just using this withdrawal as the next level of control, using your fear and insecurity to pull you into line, he will suddenly begin pawing at the door again as he senses his power slipping. If and when that happens, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR - he is showing you what he is.

You are only 32. You are not ugly. You do have time to meet someone who wants what you want and to have children (or to have them on your own). But right now you sound incredibly mentally poorly and in no place to be even thinking about kids, who need a happy, stable, independent mother. So stop looking all around you. Look within you, and ask - possibly for the first time since you were a teenager - what do YOU want? Rule him out completely and ask yourself what YOU really want.

So you're afraid because you have made him the centre of your universe and now don't have a local support network? Work on your boundaries.

"Find himself" means find someone new to shag.
He doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he would be with you.

I would ditch him.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates

OP, he’s a dead loss. He doesn’t respect or (from the sound of it) even like you.
PPs have given good advice. Move to somewhere you like, take up new interests and find new friends. Also, try counselling to help with you low self-esteem and anxiety; your GP may be able to recommend a counselling service or other help.

Good luck. Don’t waste any more time on him.

I love threads like this where posters ignore the elephant in the room and start to blame the guy. They can't advise to LTB as he has already made that healthy choice himself. So for the OP and those blaming him have a slow read of this and maybe that will answer the question as to why he left.

'have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day'

OP you sound desperately sad, needy and always looking for validation. I suggest you use this time to get together with a good psychotherapist to see how you got to here. I doubt he will come back and if the genders were switched most mumsnet posters would tell you that you dodged a bullet.
Best to see why you are so anxious about this before you look for another relationship.

the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying
Why is that?

He has been my support system for so long
It may simply be that he can't deal with the pressure of doing this any more. When you say 'support system' what do you mean?

With respect - you have been in a really unhealthy relationship. You see to have limited your world to this one person and put all your dreams and life expectations on him.
You met him when he was 19. Barely an adult. And now it’s 10 years later and he is doing the absolutely the right thing for himself. He is a different person now - people do a lot of growing and maturing in the time he has been with you.
So - he does need to take his time and think about stuff. And, frankly, his life timeline and urgency isn’t the same as yours - he is only 29.

That leaves you in a difficult place. I think you are still young enough and you can figure out your life. BUT - I do think you need to do a lot of work on yourself and find yourself as well. You desperately need counselling to help you deal with co-dependency and over reliance on your bf. And you need to re-join the world and learn to make connections with people.

It won’t be easy. But it’s not impossible.

I’d put the house for sale and figure out a new place to live. I’d look for a job that requires you to be among people in an office. I’d put energy into discovering what I like and developing hobbies and friends. Eventually - I’ll date - force myself initially, then hopefully learn how it works and enjoyed it.
If - at some time in the future bf sees the light and decides to try to come back - I’d think really hard if I even wanted him back. And - he’ll need to come and chase you to the new place where YOU have built a life.

good luck

He’s been stringing you along, and if you let him, he might do it again.
This man won’t give you what you want, shut the door on him and move on.

If you are lacking in confidence, do some things for yourself, like:

• Training course/certification for work, and go after a promotion
• New exercise & nutrition regimen, less alcohol, more sleep and relaxation
• New polished hairstyle
• Professional eyebrow shaping
• Try new activities as often as you can - anything you like, turn it into a hobby

Well it sounda like u want him for children and thats quite bad.at 40 you can still have kids.at 50 you can if u dont mind using someones eggs.for gods sakeget your own life.Stop calculating ooh i must do this by then.heaven forfend you could foster or adopt but dont force him or anyone else to reproduce.or if u that desp go forl insemination.be a single mum.or look into freezing your eggs like now til you meet the elusive one.would you use kids to fill the hole? To be your companions.? Perhaps your partner wants to experience life..to travel.. to have sex with other people.Do u love him or just the idea of marriage and kids? Its hard to be alone but imagine being left with 2 kids later?u also need to find yourself .....and soon.stop obsessing about your fertility and some tick list.You have time.we dont all need to live the same way and perhaps he just cant bear the thought of society and you telling him what to do and how high to jump.

O

I have to agree, he won't be back. Most people (and I've done it myself) ask for a "break" as they haven't the guts to end the relationship properly. The only way he would be back is if, for some reason, he decided to "settle" for you. You don't want to be someone's fallback.

I agree with PPs. Move, make a life for yourself elsewhere. Don't waste any more time on him.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time?

What incentive does he have to change? What would magically make him see you differently after all this time?

It's him who has distanced himself and it's you bending over backwards to get him back. He holds all the cards and has all the power.

Had you been the one to end it and say this lack of commitment simply doesn't work for you, he might have just come around.

If you want people to stop treating you as a doormat, you just have to teach them not to. By enforcing consequences and voting with your feet.

Use this opportunity to break free from this frustrating setup and start anew with someone who actually appreciates you, as hard as that might feel.

OP you deserve so much better than him. My only worry for you is that he's going to string this out and keep you hanging around for a doomed relationship in your final years of fertility. Please see his leaving as the blessing that it is. Please take notice of this enormous wake up call. Take some time to grieve, join hobby groups (sports, book clubs, meet ups) to meet new people, make some friends etc, focus on your own wellbeing for a bit and then get dating. You must make yourself your priority.

He's never going to marry you or have children with you.

Find yourself too. Really, do it. It sounds like everything has hinged on trying to get.him to want you want for a really.long time and he won't. Enjoy life for a bit. Do the things you've always wanted to do, visit those far flung friends, join some groups.

I don't know if you'll meet someone to have children with but you have a much better chance if you send this one on his way and become happy with yourself.

@Dryandirriatble · Today 14:49
He's never going to marry you or have children with you.
Find yourself too. Really, do it. It sounds like everything has hinged on trying to get.him to want you want for a really.long time and he won't. Enjoy life for a bit. Do the things you've always wanted to do, visit those far flung friends, join some groups.
I don't know if you'll meet someone to have children with but you have a much better chance if you send this one on his way and become happy with yourself.

This. Do you really want to be with a wet lettuce who has to run away and find himself ???

Be careful of falling quickly into another relationship because the new bloke is the "one".
I wouldn't agree that having children at 40 is a given, that's a myth, it may be possible for some women certainly not all, and you don't know if you'll be one of them.

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like a doormat? You clearly want different things and he’s taken himself out of the relationship which is his right.

What do you want for yourself? That’s the question you should be asking and working towards your answer.

He's checked out. Ultimately, he's done you a favour, although I know it doesn't feel like it right now. By pure coincidence, I've just listened to this song:

If it was a woman who had run away would you try to undermine her?
Who knows what therir relationship was like. Think being asked about marriage proposals daily for four years was a fun space to be in? This guy obviously had enough - it cold have been abusive, the OP could have been so intense he felt suffocated - you dont know. So just accept that one person (in this case male) left the relationship probably for reasons the OP described. Park your gender bias somewhere else maybe? This is a great chance for OP to get some help, develop and realise that the way she conducted the relationship was by no means healthy.

Poor bloke

soubds like he’s made a very healthy decision to walk away from a very unhealthy relationship where you made him totally responsible for your needs

let him go and work on becoming your own person