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Original poster

Partner just left to find himself - what do I do?

126 replies

Scaredd · 04/01/2023 14:16

I'm 32 and my boyfriend (29) of ten years has just left to go live at his parents house as he needs to figure himself out. This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day. I am absolutely devastated and my anxiety is now so high. I haven’t been to work in a week and have been so lucky for the bank holidays.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at. I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying. I work from home and have no friends here as I moved for his work and to be closer to his family. I can’t move back home as there is no where to go and all my friends are dotted around the country anyway. I’m so scared I’m going to be completely isolated.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time? His mum didn’t have him until her early 40s so he thinks I have plenty of time. He has been my support system for so long, but also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

Or do I find a way to move on to secure the potential of me having children? And if so how? I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

OP posts:
rwalker · 04/01/2023 16:53

It’s done you haven’t got on for a year
tbh you at 19 at 29 your a totally different person
be great full he’s had the balls to leave the easiest thing in the world is to just plod on
best thing for both of you

greenspaces4peace · 04/01/2023 16:53

look the fellow was 19 when he settled with you. i think it's a good thing that you both go your own ways.
it will be difficult for a while (even for him).
one day at a time.

80s · 04/01/2023 16:53

He's not claiming to need support. He;s wanging on about "finding himself".
He's acted like a dick by making that claim, but he's also a human being that needs a place to live, and thus his parents' help. Laughing at him for seeking his parents' support doesn't help OP.

I’ve realised that actually I have been using my relationship status as a bandaid for my poor mental health.
Good on you for facing up to it, Scaredd. Keep on facing up to the rest, too. Anxiety is fuelled by not looking closely at the big scary thing. When you examine it properly, it often turns out not to be as scary as you might think.

goldismything · 04/01/2023 16:54

Only one piece of advice from me! Don't let a man dictate your need for a child. If you want one have one. Don't wait until you realise it's too late because 8/10 he will ditch you for a younger model and have a family. You control your life. This might be the best thing that happened to you love

Campervangirl · 04/01/2023 16:55

Ahh bless you ❤️
I don't want to add to your misery but he hasn't left to find himself, he's left you and needed an excuse to leave with the minimum of fuss.
People who truly love you don't leave you, especially not to find themselves.
Be kind to yourself, mourn him then get your head on straight and make plans for the future.
Be strong, be proactive but plan for the fact he's not coming back, I'd also prepare for the ow to crawl out of the woodwork.
Take care of yourself, I'm rooting for you

goldismything · 04/01/2023 16:57

Had to Google wanging ffs!

Spaghetti201 · 04/01/2023 17:01

I’m sorry to say, but he’s just not that into you. 10 years is a long time to wait! When I was dating I usually gave it 6mths - 1 Yr, if they weren’t talking about future plans then I was out of the door. I’d say about 90% of the people I know who are married now were engaged within a year of dating. If neither of you can decide within a year it’s obviously a big fat no!

MakeTheOwStop · 04/01/2023 17:02

I’m sorry but I think he’s a time waster. If he needs 3-6 months to figure it out then he’s just not that interested in you. I think you should decide for him and move on.

butterpeanut · 04/01/2023 17:03

Better him realise now that it wasn’t quite right than in 10 years time or after you’d had a child or got married.. in time you’ll realise it wasn’t quite the relationship you once thought it was either.

My ex did similar to me 5 years ago and I remember wondering how I’d ever survive or meet someone as “amazing” as him (reflection and time are wonderful and made me realise he absolutely wasn’t who I made him out to be.. rose tinted glasses and all that jazz). I was 28 and remember thinking my life was over (dramatic but the truth)… I’ve now got the most wonderful husband and a 1 year old.. life really does go on and it’s so much better than I ever thought it would be.

I know right now it’s harder than hard but you will get through this, it will get easier (it’ll probably get harder first) but you really need to take some time to work out what you want, what makes you happy, what you want to do now.

You’re young and will be happy again, please don’t let life pass you by waiting for a man who hasn’t committed after 10 years and probably never will.

MakeTheOwStop · 04/01/2023 17:08

Spaghetti201 · 04/01/2023 17:01

I’m sorry to say, but he’s just not that into you. 10 years is a long time to wait! When I was dating I usually gave it 6mths - 1 Yr, if they weren’t talking about future plans then I was out of the door. I’d say about 90% of the people I know who are married now were engaged within a year of dating. If neither of you can decide within a year it’s obviously a big fat no!

This here. I don’t know how to explain it. While I was dating my husband for quite some time the only reason we didn’t get married within the first two years was because we were long distance. But the 4 years leading up to the actual marriage… the only way I can explain it was that how he and I put it. We both felt married to each other already in our hearts. Like we were spirituality married. So yes we were very much committed to one another week before the actual marriage happened. There was no needing to think about it. We were very much decided on it. When he proposed and we realized that waiting for a fancy wedding would have very much delayed things legally speaking as we were from different countries we didn’t walk we ran to the court house and eloped.

OP let me ask you a question though. Let’s say he came back and said he wants to marry you tomorrow. Would you be satisfied at this point? Or would you feel like you forced him into it? Do you want to marry someone who is less than enthusiastic to be married to you?

littlelilypad · 04/01/2023 17:10

My now DH and I have been together for 10 years. We took a break around the 5 year mark (for various reasons), and both moved in with our parents. This won't be what you want to hear, but you have to trust the process.

If the break helps him decide that he wants everything you have together, great! If not, this is your chance to start again and spend some time focusing on yourself. It would not be the end of the world; no one would have died. What's meant to be will be, try not to waste time agonising over what he might be doing or thinking and what might happen to you, and start taking control of the situation for yourself.

I honestly believe that the best relationships are the ones where you encourage each other to be the very best version of yourself - this doesn't sound like it's hitting that mark, OP.

Ryder68 · 04/01/2023 17:11

Some of the replies here may seem harsh, but they are giving you a gentle virtual shake, and firmly laying out that a brighter future for YOU is in YOUR hands. See this event as a door opening to.......whatever YOU want!

Greenfairydust · 04/01/2023 17:18

You need to move on with your life OP and date other men.

He has clearly shown you that he is not ready for or interested in making a commitment beyond what you already had and you should not let him waste more of your time if what you want is marriage and a family.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 04/01/2023 17:19

Lose him. Deliberately.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/01/2023 17:24

Oh sweetheart

this must be very painful
but it looks like it’s time to address your demons and primarily your anxiety and fear of being in the world

I can’t imagine it’s been easy for him either tbh

but you are young enough to re start and get yourself slowly back into the world again

it’s not easy , it’s never easy
but you can’t build a life around him and him alone

what small steps can you take ?
therapy helps
anxiety meds help
Exercise helps
trying new things help

XmasElf10 · 04/01/2023 17:24

Go listen to beautiful south… need a little time! He is off to have some fun and will only crawl back if he can’t find it. Don’t be a doormat and move on so you can kick him to the curb when he comes back.

LaForza101 · 04/01/2023 17:56

As others have said, you are now more likely to meet someone else, settle down and have children than being with someone who will only continue to drag his heels. Feel hurt that your relationship is over, take a bit of time to cry it out, then focus on yourself.

Figure out what makes you happy and know that you still have plenty of time. Even if he comes back (which I don't think he will) you are risking him wasting more years of your life. Yes it is scary starting again but it will be so worth it.

OldFan · 04/01/2023 17:59

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority?

This will never happen @Scaredd , unfortunately he left you rather than you throwing him out. He's not going to have some sudden epiphany.

You'll be ok I promise. xx

maddy68 · 04/01/2023 18:00

He isn't finding himself. He's leaving you and hadn't got the guts to tell you. I'm so sorry

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 18:10

Onceuponawhileago · 04/01/2023 14:57

If it was a woman who had run away would you try to undermine her?
Who knows what therir relationship was like. Think being asked about marriage proposals daily for four years was a fun space to be in? This guy obviously had enough - it cold have been abusive, the OP could have been so intense he felt suffocated - you dont know. So just accept that one person (in this case male) left the relationship probably for reasons the OP described. Park your gender bias somewhere else maybe? This is a great chance for OP to get some help, develop and realise that the way she conducted the relationship was by no means healthy.

Show quote history

Exactly, he was only 19 when they got together!

2bazookas · 04/01/2023 18:12

He's spent years of you telling him what you want, and you just haven't listened to him. His ambitions do not match yours. He didn't propose, he doesn't want to marry and have babies with you. He's made that clear for at least four years. You weren't listening.

He's finally drawn a line under the relationship, and LEFT. He's not coming back, he's not going to change his mind,its over.

You're still not listening.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 04/01/2023 18:17

Shesasuperfreak · 04/01/2023 16:50

I think yabu, you pestered him over and over and sound needy. He is with you and was for 10 years.

Mm! Usually after that long both parties know that they will / will not get married and/ or have kids.

When one refuses to discuss it then the other, who does want to, automatically gets that nasty little label "needy". Too bloody right she asked him. Her biological clock is ticking and he wants to 'find himself'.

They are mismatched. He is taking the coward's way out. OP is indeed needy, in need of some self care.

KinkyMom · 04/01/2023 18:20

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 04/01/2023 18:17

Mm! Usually after that long both parties know that they will / will not get married and/ or have kids.

When one refuses to discuss it then the other, who does want to, automatically gets that nasty little label "needy". Too bloody right she asked him. Her biological clock is ticking and he wants to 'find himself'.

They are mismatched. He is taking the coward's way out. OP is indeed needy, in need of some self care.

Show quote history

Agreed. Being labeled needy after asking for marriage after being together for ten years is ridiculous. She communicated clearly to him what she expects out of the relationship. And rather communicating that he’s not comfortable with marriage he’s chosen to ignore it and sweep it under the rug and hope it all goes away. He’s the one in the wrong not OP.

Mybonnielad · 04/01/2023 18:26

I would accept that he isn't ready to commit to you. You need to move on. Do some research on where you would like to live, perhaps nearer to where your friends are. You are young enough to meet someone else, who will make your happier. Good luck.

7Worfs · 04/01/2023 18:29

2bazookas · 04/01/2023 18:12

He's spent years of you telling him what you want, and you just haven't listened to him. His ambitions do not match yours. He didn't propose, he doesn't want to marry and have babies with you. He's made that clear for at least four years. You weren't listening.

He's finally drawn a line under the relationship, and LEFT. He's not coming back, he's not going to change his mind,its over.

You're still not listening.

I don’t think he’s been making it clear for 4 years he doesn’t want marriage and children. In all likeliness he was evasive about it, stringing OP along. Too comfortable to leave, but knowing he would never give her what she wants.

Nothing pisses me off more than men squatting on women’s fertile years.