Partner just left to find himself - what do I do?

[Scaredd]

I'm 32 and my boyfriend (29) of ten years has just left to go live at his parents house as he needs to figure himself out. This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day. I am absolutely devastated and my anxiety is now so high. I haven’t been to work in a week and have been so lucky for the bank holidays.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at. I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying. I work from home and have no friends here as I moved for his work and to be closer to his family. I can’t move back home as there is no where to go and all my friends are dotted around the country anyway. I’m so scared I’m going to be completely isolated.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time? His mum didn’t have him until her early 40s so he thinks I have plenty of time. He has been my support system for so long, but also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

Or do I find a way to move on to secure the potential of me having children? And if so how? I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

Or maybe if he has acted like a proper partner, making effort, showing affection and commitment, as people tend to do in decade long relationships, she wouldn't have has to nag him about it 🤷‍♀️

I can play the one sided cherry picking game too

What is a proper partner though? One who bears fortitude through years of her dependent behaviour? Coming up with a proposal when he did not want to get married. Please, lets be realistic, this is not healthy, you cant blame anyone for leaving that kind of relationship.

It sounds as though he really doesn't want to be with you. He needs 3-6 months "to see where his head is at"? You're flogging a dead horse. He doesn't want the same things as you. It does sound rather pathetic when you say he's been your "support system". Be an adult and start getting a life together, without him. Get a lodger?

He met you when he was 19, which is very young. He isn't coming back, he has never been a single bloke and he wants that rather coming back to you.

After 10 years and around age 30, the right man would absolutely be confident in marrying you. There would be no fights about getting him to focus on your life as a couple. It is never going to get better. If he comes back tomorrow and agrees to get married all that is going to get you is an expensive divorce.

you don’t have to become a completely different person. You don’t have to be a woman on the prowl, conquering the scene at clubs or on apps. Many people are quieter. They are looking for friendships that lead to romance. It’s harder to meet people this way because you don’t have numbers on your side, but it’s a very meaningful way to make connections.

If he's gone to find himself for 'three to six months', tell him to get lost while he's at it. It's not fair to keep you dangling while he makes his mind up.

People - he’s broken up with her. He hasn’t left her dangling.

he’s only said the 3-6 month thing so that the OP didn’t explode in front of him.

Which makes him a coward.

He's a grown man. If he wants out, he owes it to her to cut her loose, not to give her false hope and keep her dangling. This whole "I need a break" nonsense is dishonest and harmful.

This man was 19 when he entered a 10 year relationship.

He wants to see if the grass is greener. It's kind of understandable (though painful admittedly).

Maybe it has been on his mind to do this for some time which is why his behaviour has been questionable and he's finally got up the balls to do it.

Let him go. It's highly likely that he won't come back but that's better than living several more years hoping for what isn't likely to happen.

It's also highly likely that once you've got past the sunken costs though process, you'll move on to someone better suited to who you are now as opposed to who you were at 22 when you met.

Why would you want someone back who, by your own admission, has treated you "like a doormat" for years? He is who he is, and, above all else, he is not father material, so if a family is what you want then you must move on.

How cowardly of him to leave you hanging on a string and hedging his bets. I think that really shows you what sort of person he is. Move on, if needs be move away - and build yourself a new life.

I know that it feels hard to live on your own after you have been used to having someone else in the house - but you will cope. I thought I could never do it, but then my OH died and I had to put on my big girl pants to cope alone, I did it, as will you.

Please have some pride in yourself and do not let yourself be kept on this very fragile string.

Also, as someone who wanted a break from my first husband, I took a lease on a house for 6 months, wondering if I would miss exh, genuinely didn't know if I would or not but needed headspace - within two weeks I knew I wasn't going back.

So people can and do suggest breaks because they genuinely need one not just because they're massive cowardly dickheads as suggested here.

The relationship had clearly gone off the boil and we don't know the other side to the story.

Apologies I haven’t RTFT but have you made a link OP between your own declining self-worth and the duration of this relationship? He may have just done you the biggest favour by leaving.

Please get some counseling to understand what was wrong with this relationship. It's really not healthy to rely on one person, as you have, no one person can provide everything in your life. You do need to find friends, other sources of enjoyment, a social life and really expand your horizons. I think your ex just felt suffocated, and I do mean that kindly. You are still young, you can meet that special person and have children, but before you try please take some time for yourself and understand why this relationship failed. Think of it as a lesson in learning and move on.

Think being asked about marriage proposals daily for four years was a fun space to be in? OP said "I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years" - not every day; every year. Four times in all.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.
You're about ten steps ahead of yourself. He's only just left, you need a good year or two to find yourself before you think about dating. Go to your GP, get some more time off/medication as required, and some long-term therapy. Like others, it sounds to me as if this has not been a healthy relationship for you.

If he doesnt know what he wants after 10 years then in the words of the film 'hes just not that into you'. Cut your losses. Dont be pulled into the sunken cost fallacy because you'll waste more time. You have time to start afresh. Find someone who cant wait to marry you.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at.

That is SO cruel, dismissive & entitled of him.
If you play along with his selfishness, you will spend the next 3 - months feeling every bit as bad as you do now.
Then - IF he deigns to come back to you - you will spend the rest of the relationship on tenterhooks, waiting for him to drop you again.

You've been together since you weren't much more than kids.
Of course this is going to hurt.
But if you want a family, this is NOT the man for you. He's not going to give you what you want, & if you do manage to get some grudging acceptance from him, it will then be a relationship with a very uneven power balance. he will know he can treat you badly & you will take anything to hang onto him.

Of course you can go back 'home'. Your freinds may have dispersed, but you would have familiar surroundings & relatives. If that's not actually an appealing notion - move somewhere else.

Feeling isolated & drifting is the worst thing for you right now. You need plans. You need to move out of the home you shared with him.
The fastest way through this pain is to accept it, take control & finish with him, have a period of grieving for the decade you had together, & make a new start.
He doesn't get to play mindgames on you like this unless you let him.
So don't let him.

Also - he's pathetic. Nobody "finds themselves" by running home to mummy ffs,.

It's not pathetic to go to your parents for support. Most people don't have a whole lot of other places they could go in an emergency. OP would be well advised to do the same thing herself if it would help.

Please don't wait around for him, he wants you as back up in case the grass isn't greener. If he leaves tell him that's it. You have time to meet someone else who is mad about you and have the family you want.

Also - he's pathetic. Nobody "finds themselves" by running home to mummy ffs,.

I get the distinct impression it is not the parents house par se that he hopes to 'find himself' in, more a case of a bolt hole for the short term while he works out where his head is at. Of course it would be nice if he could move into the penthouse around the corner and live independently, but most people don't have that option after breaking up a live in relationship.

There isn't anything wrong with being clear about where you wanted your relationship to go and when (marriage/kids etc) after you'd been together for a few years...but if he had then made it known he didn't want the same then OP should have made the decision to end it and move on herself than to spend the next 4 years fighting about it. But I feel it's not as black and white as that. OP says he kept being 'coy' about it, which sounds very much like not being honest about what he wanted and very much like stringing her along. So I can see why it turned into a prolonged argument, and when you love someone who is stringing you along, it is hard to be the one to throw in the towel or know when to do it.

That being said - yiu definitely relied on him too much OP. One person shouldn't be the center of your universe. Even if you were still in this relationship - you need other people. Friends, hobbies etc thst are separate from him. It's just not healthy to expect one person to meet all your needs and for that person to define who you are/how you think about yourself.

He has left now, and it's the perfect time to rebuild yourself in a healthy way. Don't pine after him, the last 4 years of your relationship proved that you were not going in the same direction and did not have the same goals. Him coming back wouldn't be a good thing. Start a new chapter OP, make 2023 all about building a healthier and happier you.

Ok, absolutely no judgement, but you don't love him and have settled for him. You aren't worried about him going, but about what him leaving represents.

Do you rent or own? He needs to continue to contribute financially whilst at his parents. Give yourself a few months to work out your future. I wouldn't stay with him as I see more heartbreak.

I’ve only managed to read the first page of responses because I wanted to read them slowly and absorb. I will read each and everyone.

But thank you. I’ve realised that actually I have been using my relationship status as a bandaid for my poor mental health. My anxiety has always bubbled away at the surface and it has prevented me from establishing myself, but also prevented me from having a fulfilling relationship as I have just wanted to get everything I emotionally need from this one person.

But seriously, thank you to each and every person for taking the time to read and provide advice and insight. I needed this.

He's not claiming to need support. He;s wanging on about "finding himself".

Let us help you, go find yourself.
What hobbies do you have, or want to have?
Do you have a job you enjoy?
Do you like where you live or could you move elsewhere?

You are still young enough to make some bold moves. You have no dependents and freedom

I think yabu, you pestered him over and over and sound needy. He is with you and was for 10 years.