Partner just left to find himself - what do I do?

[Scaredd]

I'm 32 and my boyfriend (29) of ten years has just left to go live at his parents house as he needs to figure himself out. This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day. I am absolutely devastated and my anxiety is now so high. I haven’t been to work in a week and have been so lucky for the bank holidays.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at. I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying. I work from home and have no friends here as I moved for his work and to be closer to his family. I can’t move back home as there is no where to go and all my friends are dotted around the country anyway. I’m so scared I’m going to be completely isolated.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time? His mum didn’t have him until her early 40s so he thinks I have plenty of time. He has been my support system for so long, but also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

Or do I find a way to move on to secure the potential of me having children? And if so how? I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

Volunteering might help you in a few ways: 1) meet people 2) help people 3) distract you from your pain 4) get skills to change jobs 5) learn that many of us humans have terrible anxiety.
Lots of love, OP XX

I need a little time to think it over
I need a little space just on my own
I need a little time to find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn't it?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room to find myself
I need a little space to work it out
I need a little room all alone
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head, don't you, don't you?
You need a little space for a thousand beds, won't you, won't you?
Lips that promise, fear the worst
Tongue so sharp, the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time to find the truth
Now I've had a little room to check what's wrong
I've had a little time, and I still love you
I've had a little
You had a little time and you had a little fun, didn't ya, didn't you?
While you had yours, do you think I had none, do you, do ya?
The freedom that you wanted bad
Is yours for good, I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

Posted too soon - honestly OP - take some time yourself, don't hang around waiting for him! 💐

It sounds like after the arguments it's time to move on anyway, a relationship that started when you were both really young and the arguments are a sign that you have grown apart.

I would move on, the risk is you wait around and then you'll find he's moved on to someone else.

Don't wait for him - he's sending you a clear message and he's either not ready to commit (and probably won't be) and/or doesn't think you are the right one. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it's better for you to move on. Go it alone, fine someone else more suited to you. Certainly don't just sit and wait for him!

I think 29 for a bloke these days is like 23 a few years ago. Waaay too young for most of them to settle down. They're not as mature & they need to spend more time living life first. I'm sorry that this doesn't help you. Men have all the time in the world, women don't.

Glad mine wasn’t like that. If anything he was moving too fast for me. He wanted to get married and jump straight to kids at 20. 😬 Had to tell him to hold his horses! Been together for barely 3 months and he’s going on and on about what he wants to name our children and of course they will surely look like me they would be cursed if they got his looks. I think when men know they just know.

And then there’s the ones that take everything for granted. Could serve them the girl of their dreams up on a silver platter and they wouldn’t know until she tires of him and move on. Breaking her spirit down all in the process.

I agree totally with this. He is a coward, keeping her hopes up instead of being honest with her. i too think he's got his eye on someone else and is keeping the OP dangling just incase it doesnt work out.

A brave and accurate reply.

Find ways to find yourself. Things will get better.

"this must be very painful
but it looks like it’s time to address your demons and primarily your anxiety and fear of being in the world
I can’t imagine it’s been easy for him either tbh
but you are young enough to re start and get yourself slowly back into the world again
it’s not easy , it’s never easy
but you can’t build a life around him and him alone
what small steps can you take ?
therapy helps
anxiety meds help
Exercise helps
trying new things help"

This.

As you have bravely noted, you have made him and your relationship a crutch and depended on it and him for everything. That's not good for either of you - it's a very unhealthy way to live and I would imagine - deep down - it was feeding your anxiety. Of course you're going to be incredibly anxious if all your wellbeing depends on someone else. It's not how we're supposed to live. I've been through periods of intense anxiety and it can make your life very small if you let it. That's what seems to have happened in your case. Frankly, I'm not surprised he left and I think it's a good thing for both of you that he has.

I was about your age when I had an epiphany about how - instead of having my feelings - I was letting my feelings have me so I would end up overwhelmed and deeply fearful. Just because you feel anxious doesn't mean you have to give in to it - and the more you are able to do things despite your anxiety, the closer you get to overcoming it. I think you might find "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers really helpful.

This is your opportunity to turn your life around - learn how to be alone and do things for yourself. That's so important. It is vital to your self-esteem and your independence. You are a whole person, not a shell - you can do this.

Some great responses on this thread. I wish you all of the very best. Go it alone and make your own life work for you.

Boyfriend and 10 years does not sot well with me ! Don't waste anymore time

OP, you met him before he had the opportunity to grow and discover his adult self. At his age , he should have had other adult relationships. He is spent what should have been fun and free years with you. It is normal that he might want to experience some of what he has missed.

He may also have some concerns about having children
with someone who is as needy and dependent as you present yourself to be. In his place, I would have concerns about having a child with someone who cannot manage life alone. I would wonder what would happen to the child should something happen to me? I could not assume that someone who cannot function as an independent adult would be able to take care of my child should something happen to me.

Use this time apart, to work on developing some independence and self confidence. He may or may not come back to you, but whatever happens ,you should get some help in working through your excessive dependency.

This guy just hasn’t had the balls to tell you he wants out. This is an opportunity op, to get the life you actually want, rather than clinging for dear life onto something that it’s time to call time on. Grab the opportunity op, build your self esteem and independence. I wish you much luck.

As hard as it is for you OP, he's clearly made the right decision for him. I wonder how long he's been wanting to leave but not known how. Stuff like this happens when you commit so young before you have any real life experience and understanding of boundaries and healthy relationships. You've both missed out on so much and it's a huge burden to be responsible for someone's happiness and wellbeing. I can understand him not wanting to do that anymore. I don't think either of you should shoulder the 'blame' for something that probably should have happened way earlier.

Let him go and work on yourself. This is a fabulous opportunity for you and I know you'll do amazing things because YOU CAN! All the best OP.

A very insightful post OP, and well done for taking this step forward. I think that perhaps you are beginning to see the light, and that you can be a whole person in your own right.

I don't understand why anyone is trying to defend the man in question. He was clearly evasive in responding to the OP laying out her expectations for the relationship (which was a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do). He was pretty gutless for not talking straight with her...as is the way he's leaving the relationship now too. He needs 3-6 months to think about it? Even the way he's going about it now paints a pretty good picture for me of what he probably did for the past 4 years whenever the OP tried to talk with him about their future.

He's spineless and selfish for dragging it out all this time and to still try and keep her on the hook even now as he's leaving.

I don't understand why anyone is trying to defend the man in question. He was clearly evasive in responding to the OP laying out her expectations for the relationship (which was a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do). He was pretty gutless for not talking straight with her...as is the way he's leaving the relationship now too
When someone's mental health is as perilous as the OPs, it simply is not as easy as that. It just isn't. OPs perceptions, reactions and increasingly worsening anxiety would have made it almost impossible to be upfront and firm.
Just like the OP should not feel any guilt or shoulder any blame, I don't think putting it all on him helps either. Being so young in a not so healthy relationship was another issue 🤷‍♀️

I am cheering on the OP. I believe she's going to create new opportunities and realise her worth. If there is a time to be realistic, it is now.

If he doesn't want to be with you he should tell you but in a way you shouldn't need to be told, you should decide that yourself

I can’t comment on your actual relationship only what you posted in your op but I would feel smothered by the way you come across

You need to work on yourself more and I would say this to a male or female

Finding himself without you. Time to move on.

Talking like that after just a few months together is as much a red flag as waiting ten years IMO.

Good luck OP, you are getting some great advice here. Please don't sit around waiting for him. In fact your best chance of getting him back is to get on with your life and don't look back! But if you do that, the chances are you won't want him back anyway, because you will have moved on to a better life.

I reckon you're going to be ok op, you've clearly lost your confidence being with him so get the withdrawls over with and start loving yourself again.

Im sure you're a very attractive woman, after all he wanted to stay with you from an early age, many men that young don't wish to be tied down so soon, sounds like you're under valuing yourself and he's gone the other way, full of himself.

Let him go and if I were you I'd remove yourself from his patch where all his support system live, it can only make you feel worse, let him hide behind mommies apron, you are stronger, you followed him for his support, remember that.
I've got a feeling he may be back but before he can get back, you go start dating, there's so many men out there why tie yourself down to a mummies boy, you want and need more.
Real men who give you answers when you ask them and more importantly one's that make you feel safe, secure and jubilant at the thought of being a father.

Good luck and best wishes.

There's been some real harsh replies on her op, pay no heed, you sound independant enough to me, working, moving to HIS hometown and quite rightly asking if this 10 year relaionship will turn into marriage and children, nothing unreasonable about that, sounds pretty logical to me.

And I think you're anxiety may well be linked to him being an unkind partner, which you don't seem to be getting much sympathy for, now chin up, stop apologising for feeling a bit sorry for yourself and start believing in yourself again, I bet you're a stunner.

He doesn’t sound very good for you & actually it sounds like him leaving was the kindest thing he could do. Time to build your own life.

FWIW a bf I had years ago didn’t want to get married or have children so we split up (was non-negotiable for me - to be a parent in some form). Years later he does have them. But his kids are pre-school/primary school ages whereas mine are all adults. I couldn’t have spent decades wondering about what was going to happen. And he’s older than me, so physically I couldn’t have waited that long. He could still have kids now & may well do, I couldn’t. Too old. My husband & I have been happily married for more than 25 years - imagine how much life could have been wasted. Get out there & find someone on your wavelength xx

Plenty of people meet their partners before they've had time "to grow" and "discover" themselves in their late teens and early 20s and it didn't seem to do their relationship any harm to. It's not like the only compatible people are the ones we meet when we are respectively over "30" or whatever the correct metric is for your social class.