Partner just left to find himself - what do I do?

[Scaredd]

I'm 32 and my boyfriend (29) of ten years has just left to go live at his parents house as he needs to figure himself out. This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day. I am absolutely devastated and my anxiety is now so high. I haven’t been to work in a week and have been so lucky for the bank holidays.

I don’t know what to do. He says he needs 3-6 months to see where his head is at. I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying. I work from home and have no friends here as I moved for his work and to be closer to his family. I can’t move back home as there is no where to go and all my friends are dotted around the country anyway. I’m so scared I’m going to be completely isolated.

I just want to know if there is hope for me? I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year. I don’t know how I’m going to suddenly build this life of dating and fun when all I want to do is hide.

Do I hope he comes back and he realises that actually he’s treated me like a doormat these past years and that he wants to make me a priority? Ie going on holiday with me, instead of friends and taking me on dates and just being more involved with the house? And that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time? His mum didn’t have him until her early 40s so he thinks I have plenty of time. He has been my support system for so long, but also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

Or do I find a way to move on to secure the potential of me having children? And if so how? I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

At the same age it took me a year to get over the end of a 10 year relationship. I was absoutely gutted even though it was my choice. My lovely ex absolutely deserved better than what I could offer him (which is exactly what your now ex was offering you). We both married other people and are still in those happy marriages. If you work from home and have no local friends there really is nothing to tie you to the house you lived in with him, in an area you moved to for him. Think about where you would like to live. Think about all the opportunities that are opening up for you now he has set you free. Yes you need to grieve. Don't rush into dating apps etc. Reconnect with your friends. Find some new friends and interests. Find yourself.

She says he has treated her like a doormat for years and now he runs away to find himself. He doesn't either have the balls or the decency to end things so yes in fact he is a wet lettuce

RED FLAGS below: But sure, blame him. Its easier plus it keeps her a victim of herself.

This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose.

I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day.

I am just distraught and the thought of being alone in the house by myself is genuinely terrifying.

I feel I’m getting uglier every year, I’m getting more socially anxious and awkward every year.

Do I hope he comes back ..... and that he wants to make me a priority? ...and that he would then want to get married and have children in a couple of years time?

He has been my support system for so long

But also I just love him on this absolute primal level. I can’t explain it, but I just love him regardless of how unloved I have felt. So I would be willing to wait to see if he basically has this realisation.

I have horrible anxiety about doing anything alone.

All of the above are really awful things to have to experience but this is not a healthy relationship.

@Scaredd

"I have had the discussion with him almost every year for four years as I love him, want that security, commitment and a family. I desperately want children one day."

Not wishing to be unkind, but if you've had the above discussion for 4 years and he's not agreed to marriage etc then I'm not surprised he's left. You're trying to make him do what he doesn't want to do. You also sound quite needy and maybe a bit smothering. I suspect after 10 years he needs to be free. He's not ready to settle (he's only 29) and it sounds like you're not suited to each other.
Work on yourself OP. Get counselling and learn to love yourself. You will find a new partner in due course with whom you can settle down and have children.
I get that it's really painful right now but what you want is not what he wants and you have to accept that. You can't force him to marry you or father children with you.

Move.

It doesn't really matter where - you work from home so anywhere you fancy. Ever felt like living near the sea? Or where you grew up? Or in a city? You need to get youerself out of his orbit and somewhere better for you.

This relationship is dead. "I need some time" is code for "I want to break up but lack the balls." Even in the vanishingly unlikely case that he comes back, you'll be living on a knife edge waiting for him to leave again.

I'm sorry, OP, this is hard to hear. He doesn't want to marry you - if he did, you'd be wed already. He doesn't want to have children with you. He would rather - as a grown man of 29 - live with his parents thann live with you.

Listen to what his actions tell you and make a clean break just for yourself.

Do not sit and be a passenger in his life.

Dump him, grab your own life and control it yourself.

No way does he get to absent himself from life, have mummy wipe his bum and make his food and then waltz back in 3-6 months later - or not as the case may be.

”find himself” - he can find himself dumped.

Control your own life - it will be easier than you think. You can definitely do it. Relocate! Leave him in the past.

When was the last time you did something brave OP? One step at a time. Don’t hang around waiting for someone who if we’re all honest is gone. It’s time to work on you.

what do you enjoy doing, start off with doing one thing for you. Find the courage to go somewhere new on your own or with a friend and take it from there.

good luck. Remember you are the important one in your own life.

I agree the relationship was.suffocating and unhealthy. He finally could not bear it anymore and left. He is not coming back.

You desperately need counselling!
Also talk to your GP about your crippling anxiety.

Plus:
Move away to a place that you like, a town with professional opportunities and a cultural and social life.
Find a job as working from home isn't good for you.
Start volunteering for something that you find meaningful.
Join Meetup and actually go to Meetup meetings.

Do not date - you aren't ready.

Also read THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM and WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.

The cheek of it. He wants three to six months to see if there's anything better out there while keeping you as a back up option.

You should be telling him where he can shove that.

You need to pick your self esteem up off the floor and realise that you have lots to offer.
You can thrive without him and you do deserve a relationship where you feel valued.

You won't see it now but he's done you a favour. As others have said, it's time to decide what you want and then take the steps (however scary) to make that happen.

For all of those saying he’s been a wet lettuce - can you IMAGINE breaking up with the OP. The drama. I suspect he’s probably tried to break up with her many times.

it’s not helpful to the OP to blame him. She’s clearly got significant issues to face up to.

Seriously, listen to this and absorb the words. You now have the opportunity to ‘find’ yourself and become stronger, more independent and have a more equal relationship with someone in the future. Good luck.

He's wasted ten years of your life, don't give him another second! He isn't coming back. He's broken up with you.

Now you are FREE to meet an actual adult to have children with. Thank goodness he left. Thank goodness you have this chance.

He doesn't deserve you.

He's a shit person and you are clinging to this toxic disaster that will never get better. Good riddance to him. Change the locks and never look back because he's never coming back. Thank fuck. Hasn't he wasted enough of your life already?

Why would you @jtaeapa attempt to be so undermining of someone who left a very unhealthy relationship? Odd. Its his right to leave. He is an adult. He wanted to go. Probably because of the OP and her very intense style of attachment. Are you so cutting because he is a man?

'No way does he get to absent himself from life, have mummy wipe his bum and make his food and then waltz back in 3-6 months later - or not as the case may be.”find himself” - he can find himself dumped'

If you have kids and one of them was in a ten year relationship like this would you treat their choice like you did? Maybe it was awful for him? Men are human too. Mad eh!

This.

I have to agree with everyone who said this relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. No one should be the sole source of all your emotional needs. It doesn’t sound like you’ve maintained any independence outside the relationship and honestly I can see why that would’ve made him leave. He doesn’t sound like he’s treated you like a priority for a long time, and while nobody except him is responsible for his behaviour, you have to ask yourself why you’ve put up with it for so long.

It was clear four years ago he didn’t want to get married and have kids with you or stop going on holiday with his mates. Instead of wishing he was a different person who wanted the same things as you, why don’t you take matters into your own hands and start looking for someone who does?

shit person= a man who makes a healthy decision
not shit person = a woman who makes a healthy decision

Bin bin bin.

Men don't need any help proposing. When they want to marry a woman they just crack on and propose! He was wasting your time.

Try to get some personal therapy and arrive at a healthier head space.

I think he is wanting different things from you .You are NOT getting uglier! you are a young woman in her early 30s! Can you return to your hometown to be near your family at all? Also contact friends as well.When you meet someone young there are often changes in what each other wants from life. 10 years is a long time and people change so much .I think to lean on Mum and Dad if you can .You will look back and be grateful ,Even if you dont think so right now

@Onceuponawhileago it's you who needs to read the post properly.

She asked about a proposal yearly, starting 5 years into the relationship. Most definitely not daily for four years. entirely different and an entirely valid conversation to have in your late 20s.

So maybe park the smugness and character assassination of OP and try again? Just saying...

He’s done the right thing by leaving, albeit in a cowardly way, but very few people have it in them to break up cleanly and respectfully.

He’s done you a favour too. Most of us grow out of the relationships we establish in our late teens and early twenties. It happened to most of my friends between the ages of 26-31.

It happened to me at 28, 8 year relationship, my partner was lovely but just didn’t see me as the one I suppose, but he was one of those rare gems who was just upfront about it. I took it very personally at the time but I can see with distance and hindsight that he did the right thing. I begged him to marry me every day for 2 years too. I posted on here at the time. I then followed the good advice, moved overseas for an opportunity I desperately wanted but was previously too scared to take without my ex by my side. FWIW, it changed my life. I’m a different person to the nervous, dependent girl I was, on a fantastic adventure with a great career. I met and married someone else, he moved back to his hometown to be closer to his family, we are both following our dreams and happy now, although I couldn’t have imagined this future at the time. All almost exactly as mumsnet predicted all those years ago!

A friend of mine walked out on her bf of 16 years yesterday (they are 36), because he was still uncommittal after all that time. She wants marriage and children, he still can’t make up his mind. Neither of them are the bad guys here (a few years ago I would’ve said differently). She wants more and he is devastated but doesn’t want to make false promises to string her along, not compromise on his own wants.

You do sound a bit overly codependent and unhealthy in this relationship. But there is time to change for the better. I did. Good luck OP, onwards and upwards.

Short answer is to hand him his arse and tell him it is his elbow!

Longer answer. pack his stuff and tell him to stay gone and spend some time learning how to like yourself again. He really doesn't want what you want.

Have a great new, single year.

I think unfortunately both of you have settled into co dependant type of Needy relationship,

This. It's unhealthy, he's pulled the plug (good for him). Time to move on with courage. See being in the house alone as a challenge to be overcome. Every little thing you worry about is a way to learn independence.

'This is after nearly a year of constantly arguing as I felt he wasn’t showing love or commitment and was being very coy as to when if would propose'

Argued for a year about love, commitment and inability to propose preceeded by four years of yearly asking when a proposal was coming. Sure. Sounds legit & healthy to me. Not that valid.