Mens sex drive | Mumsnet

QueefQueen80s · 2023-01-04T13:44:03+00:00

All we hear is abour how men are sex mad, many of us have experienced this and so it feels very personal if we ever get rejected, but the truth is many men have little/no sex drive.. why is this so little known? Since coming on mumsnet I see so many threads about women who are frustrated as their husbands or partners don't want sex and they are left feeling very confused as "all men want sex all the time" but it's not true for many men is it? They can be similar to how many women are, go off it, hormone levels. Many women on here have the higher sex drive.

nc1013 · 04/01/2023 14:11

I'm in this exact same position right now.
Spent months wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to have sex with me more often and never seemed overly bothered.

Don't live together, no joint dc, no financial commitments....so if it was a case of "he's just not that into me" he could leave instantly with no ties

Pretty sure he just has a (much) lower drive than me. It's the rejection and feelings of not being wanted/desired in a sexual way that's really eroding my self esteem. There are so many positives in the relationship that I'm trying not to take it personally (I'm not actually bothered about the amount of sec we're having (or not having!)).......it's how it's making me feel that's the hard part

It's really helped me to understand how many men how complain about feeling rejected actually feel - it's not all about they sexual satisfaction, it's much more complicated than that

StarlightLady · 04/01/2023 14:18

It seems that males tend to peak much earlier and arguably for a shorter period than females.

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 14:21

Men are only interested in their own pleasure and their own orgasms, that's why it's usually over much too quickly for women to feel truly satisfied.
I know that not all men are like that but in my experience most of them are, maybe I've just been unlucky 🤷

BigFatLiar · 04/01/2023 14:28

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 14:21

Men are only interested in their own pleasure and their own orgasms, that's why it's usually over much too quickly for women to feel truly satisfied.
I know that not all men are like that but in my experience most of them are, maybe I've just been unlucky 🤷

You've just been unlucky.

Making sweeping statements about men or women ignores the fact they're all individuals. Women as a group are every bit as nasty as men. Individuals can be nice people.

amiold · 04/01/2023 14:31

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 14:21

Men are only interested in their own pleasure and their own orgasms, that's why it's usually over much too quickly for women to feel truly satisfied.
I know that not all men are like that but in my experience most of them are, maybe I've just been unlucky 🤷

This is grim

certainly not the case for everyone I think you've been unlucky/chosen badly.

whattodo1975 · 04/01/2023 14:35

The consensus on mumsnet is that if your husband isnt up for a shag he is either:

Gay.
Having an affair.
Addicted to porn.
Selfish.

There is no "he just doesnt fancy it", that isnt allowed on here.

SunscreenCentral · 04/01/2023 14:39

I'm very sorry that's been your experience @Soothsayer1
It bears almost no relation to mine though and for many many 🤭of the men I've been with- it's not good for them if it's not good for me and their pleasure is built on mine.

Clashing sex drives can be difficult, and nobody has it perfect all the time for a myriad of reasons.

GreenManalishi · 04/01/2023 14:41

@Soothsayer1 you can't possibly know what most men are like sexually, unless you have had sex with most men. There's a fair few million of them to get through.

The men that you have had sex with, which even as a prolific shagger will be a very very tiny percentage of The Men, you can speak for.

If they've all been crap in bed I think that you've been incredibly unlucky and/or your sample size is very small.

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 14:42

Possibly one person’s sex maniac is another’s cold fish, and vice versa. It’s about finding a match and whether unmatched sex drives is a problem for you as a couple.
I will add that I am a man with a high sex drive, and I do entertain the possibility that my sex drive is in part slightly neurotic, if that shines any light on anything.

BaddogGooddoggy · 04/01/2023 14:44

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 14:42

Possibly one person’s sex maniac is another’s cold fish, and vice versa. It’s about finding a match and whether unmatched sex drives is a problem for you as a couple.
I will add that I am a man with a high sex drive, and I do entertain the possibility that my sex drive is in part slightly neurotic, if that shines any light on anything.

Interesting. What do you mean ‘neurotic’ though?

astronewt · 04/01/2023 14:53

Soothsayer1 · 04/01/2023 14:21

Men are only interested in their own pleasure and their own orgasms, that's why it's usually over much too quickly for women to feel truly satisfied.
I know that not all men are like that but in my experience most of them are, maybe I've just been unlucky 🤷

Even if that were true, which it isn't, it has absolutely zero relevance to the topic of men's sex drives.

MaxTalk · 04/01/2023 15:00

As a bloke, I have been in relationships where I didn't want sex. In those instances I lost attraction for them (caused by things like their poor attitude to aspects of life, lack of fun etc). Sometimes they were poor in bed but that was the minority.

If you lose respect for someone, you don't want to shag them.

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 15:02

BaddogGooddoggy · 04/01/2023 14:44

Interesting. What do you mean ‘neurotic’ though?

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I mean if I was a more balanced, relaxed and happy person I wouldn’t be so eager to fill the holes in my life with sex.

God, that sounds dark! But basically accurate.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 04/01/2023 15:06

@QueefQueen80s I think there is cultural pressure for men to seem like they're always up for sex, and some men might be embarrassed to admit that they're not. I'm a man and my sex drive is still high but I have friends who say they've slowed down, but it seemed like an awkward secret. Also I've never turned my wife down and at this point it might seem really strange to her if I did, like some big change must have happened.

Bepis · 04/01/2023 15:07

My DH is 47 and he has practically zero sex drive. We probably have sex once a year which upsets me as I like the closeness and intimacy. He says that knowing the kids are in the house puts him off and he can't relax to have sex. Kids never leave the house so that's that.

nc1013 · 04/01/2023 15:10

MaxTalk · 04/01/2023 15:00

As a bloke, I have been in relationships where I didn't want sex. In those instances I lost attraction for them (caused by things like their poor attitude to aspects of life, lack of fun etc). Sometimes they were poor in bed but that was the minority.

If you lose respect for someone, you don't want to shag them.

I'm sure in some relationships that is true.

However you get some women that fancy their DH and find them attractive and think they're good in bed but don't feel in the mood for sex that often. Why can the same not be true for men?

My DP had a low sex drive since we met. If he didn't find me physically attractive or thought I was bad in bed I'm sure he'd have left and found someone else. He's very attractive, funny, loving, caring etc. I doubt he'd struggle to meet someone new if I wasn't doing it for him

DanseAvecLesLoups · 04/01/2023 15:12

whattodo1975 · 04/01/2023 14:35

The consensus on mumsnet is that if your husband isnt up for a shag he is either:

Gay.
Having an affair.
Addicted to porn.
Selfish.

There is no "he just doesnt fancy it", that isnt allowed on here.

Don't forget the 'death grip'.

"Maybe he is tired"

"No, definitely death grip"

"He has been stressed with a really busy project at work"

"Nope, he is a pathetic porn addicted sorry excuse of man squeezing his cock like the fist of an angry god"

"Pretty sure that is no the case"

"God wake up OP, you are being abused, call a solicitor for a free 30 min consultation"

"Not sure if that is necessary"

"Have you left yet"

KinkyMom · 04/01/2023 15:12

Yeah I feel that. Well I wouldn’t say my husband has a low sex drive or that I’m frustrated. But I will say that if it was up to me that we would be having sex every single day. But he gets tired and needs a break once or twice a week. Lol

We’ve been married for ten years and have a 1 year old and no sign of slowing down. I’m definitely the one with the higher sex drive between the two of us.

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 15:12

MoonbeamsGlittering · 04/01/2023 15:06

@QueefQueen80s I think there is cultural pressure for men to seem like they're always up for sex, and some men might be embarrassed to admit that they're not. I'm a man and my sex drive is still high but I have friends who say they've slowed down, but it seemed like an awkward secret. Also I've never turned my wife down and at this point it might seem really strange to her if I did, like some big change must have happened.

This.

nc1013 · 04/01/2023 15:14

Hahaha so true @DanseAvecLesLoups
I've posted about my own relationship in the last (when I was still getting my head around it) and you've nicely summarised the responses.

amiold · 04/01/2023 15:15

@DanseAvecLesLoups hahaha you have summarised mumsnet

C1N1C · 04/01/2023 15:18

whattodo1975 · 04/01/2023 14:35

The consensus on mumsnet is that if your husband isnt up for a shag he is either:

Gay.
Having an affair.
Addicted to porn.
Selfish.

There is no "he just doesnt fancy it", that isnt allowed on here.

On behalf of men, thank you for noticing this. MN loves these stereotypes, whereas the 'enthusiastic' men are conversely labelled as rapists, sex pests, needy etc...

I agree... but to add to those, often they are labelled as deceptive (they've always been asexual and lied about it upon entering the relationship), whereas when a woman's sex drive declines it is seen as (possibly?) 'natural'? Then one must never suggest it isn't enough because of the associated stresses and pressures of childbirth, recovery, menopause etc... men don't seem to have these justifications. There is a bit of a double standard here, as lesbian, addicted to porn (or sex toys- which 'appear' to be more prevalent with women!), infidelity etc can all be reasons for women... but these are never mentioned.

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 15:21

C1N1C · 04/01/2023 15:18

On behalf of men, thank you for noticing this. MN loves these stereotypes, whereas the 'enthusiastic' men are conversely labelled as rapists, sex pests, needy etc...

I agree... but to add to those, often they are labelled as deceptive (they've always been asexual and lied about it upon entering the relationship), whereas when a woman's sex drive declines it is seen as (possibly?) 'natural'? Then one must never suggest it isn't enough because of the associated stresses and pressures of childbirth, recovery, menopause etc... men don't seem to have these justifications. There is a bit of a double standard here, as lesbian, addicted to porn (or sex toys- which 'appear' to be more prevalent with women!), infidelity etc can all be reasons for women... but these are never mentioned.

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As a man, you don’t speak on my behalf.
Who let the incels/ men’s rights activists in?

Jackofallsorts · 04/01/2023 15:23

The biggest bullshit you will ever read is

"Men have a higher sex drive than women"

It's just not true.

KinkyMom · 04/01/2023 15:30

DanseAvecLesLoups · 04/01/2023 15:12

Don't forget the 'death grip'.

"Maybe he is tired"

"No, definitely death grip"

"He has been stressed with a really busy project at work"

"Nope, he is a pathetic porn addicted sorry excuse of man squeezing his cock like the fist of an angry god"

"Pretty sure that is no the case"

"God wake up OP, you are being abused, call a solicitor for a free 30 min consultation"

"Not sure if that is necessary"

"Have you left yet"

Show quote history

This comment is hilarious. I will say my husband masturbates and watches porn and that has not slowed him down at all. Sometimes he does both right next to me in bed and I just assume it’s an invitation to join in. 😂👏🏼 But don’t tell the pearl clutchers I said that. 😉