Ex partner has got someone pregnant

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I'm looking some advice as I'm not sure how to go about things with him now.

I was with this man for 20 years from a teen until my late 30s now. There was what i would say emotional abuse going on and i only really noticed what it was when we had our children who are 4 & 5. I began to pull away without realising and just with the stress of having 2 kids one after another we became distant. He says i didnt show him enough respect or affection, i wasnt giving him enough sex, when i spoke to other men by just saying hello he would give all sorts of accusations or the silent treatment until he was ready to have a go at me. He says i didnt try hard enough basically (but i was) i just couldnt meet all his demands and with bring a mum with 2 young kids i was stressed and lost myself after battling post natal depression. He wanted to have another baby but i wanted to wait until both kids were in school.

He ended up deciding to leave me in Sept. We were back and forth deciding on if we could make things work until he told me he had started seeing a 23 yr old in our town (family ties as well with me and this girl) I wasn't happy but he asked me to forgive him and I said I needed some time. Instead of waiting for my answer he remained seeing the girl and she is now pregnant, conceived 3-4 weeks after he walked out.

He has been having mixed feelings about it all as ultimately we were going to try and work before the pregnancy came up at things as we still loved each other and because of our small children. He's all over the place getting this 23 yr old pregnant when he's 37 and now feels its his duty to remain with her seeing as she is pregnant instead of making his other 2 kids his priority. We originally were getting on well and co parenting really well together until he recently told me he wants the kids to meet her and tell them about the baby, this now means I've to share my kids with this girl and I'm not really coping with it all very well. It has caused a huge rift between me and the kids dad because I've told him I'm broken hearted since he walked out, met someone else and got her pregnant. He only left 16 weeks ago!

Hes really frustrated with me for not wanting to go through this part just yet of having her round the kids. I'm just not mentally ready along with the fact this girl was apparently seeing another lad at the same time. She's adamant the baby belongs to my ex but I think the dates are quite close so I'm concerned about the kids being told about a baby who may not ultimately be his (although it might be) I'm also not prepared for the kids coming home with all the stories about their dad's girlfriend and her having a baby. That's something I wanted my kids to experience with me and their dad. I'm broken over all of this, I've continually dealt with heartache since he walked out and was sure we were gonna make a go of things again. I don't know how to cope with allowing the kids round her so soon, they're not together that long and it started out on a rocky path because she knew he wanted to come back to me and the kids. Although he's now in no contact with me after us falling out about the kids meeting her.

Hes had full access to the kids at any time I've just set a boundary the once and it was about the kids meeting her so I could have time to adjust to the situation and also accept that there's no going back for us. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

I just think its way too soon for the kids to meet this girl yet, plus what if the baby isn't his?? I also don't know how to deal with all the stories the kids are going to come home with. The breakup has really affected my mental health I'm struggling to cope with it and now knowing he has this whole other life to live and my kids which took us over 8 yrs to have, have to be shared with her and this new baby. I'm not sure where to go with it all. Do I legally have to do this so soon??? Plus my son has been struggling since his dad has left so this news will set him back more in my opinion and it sets their mum back too.

I want to keep a good relationship with their dad but there's too much hurt and raw emotion that all of this is causing even more issues between us. Has anybody been in a situation like this so soon after their partner leaving?

When is she due?

I would usually say it’s way too soon for children to meet new partners after such a short amount of time but she is pregnant.

They need to process that daddy’s got a new girlfriend before they can process that they’re going to have a new sibling.

So in this situation I think it’s important that they find out about the gf asap but not the pregnancy yet.

Then in a couple of months time (depending on how far along she is) he can tell them that she is pregnant and do they have some time to process that before the baby arrives.

It is so unfair to you that it is happening so fast but you need to push your own feelings aside and do what’s best for your DCs.
I believe doing this in stages gives your DCs the maximum amount of processing time and unfortunately it needs to start asap considering she’s already pregnant.

Speak to your ex and tell him you are worried about the DCs and having too many changes too soon.
And that you’d be ok with it him introducing the gf but would like him to not say about her being pregnant until they’ve had a couple of weeks at least to get used to it.

He’s an absolute piece of work. What a dick. He’s made his bed, I’m sure it’ll be uncomfortable but that’s not your problem.

You’ve had loads of good advice. Open a claim with the CMS, if he pisses you around they can take it off his wage. What’s your housing situation? Are you claiming all the benefits you’re eligible for? Will you need to find paid work?

Legally you can’t stop him from seeing her when he’s got the kids, you could try and stop contact but it won’t be good for the children and won’t look good for you if he takes it to court for contact. He can’t dictate who they see when they’re with you either.

Lean on any support you have around you, friends if you have people you trust. Follow the advice from women’s aid.

He’s a shit and you’re better off without him. You list a lot of reasons both past and present for why being separated from is for the best. You need to find your anger and determination to build a life without him in it.

Thinking of blame at this time is pointless. There is an innocent child on the way. Ultimately, he will do as he pleases about informing the children. You had your joint children a year apart and there was never a thought about the older one being to young to know about the new baby.

The children will need to know that they have another sib!ing. There is no need for them to meet the new partner just now, but there should be some discussion about mommy and daddy no longer being together.

If the new partner says that the child is his, and he is not questioning that, there will not likely be a DNA test.

I doubt any Court will say that at ages 4 and 5 they are too young to meet a new partner or to learn about a new sibling.

The fact that the 2 of you separated and wanted time apart is an indicator that the both of you were exploring the possibility of divorce. However, the new partner did not become pregnant because of any decision that you made. She became pregnant either because they did not use contraceptive devices or because the devices failed. You played no role in that scenario.

You both have to deal with the current reality and move forward without all of the blaming. The blame game changes nothing.

If you want him back,and it sounds as though you do, it is possible for him to support this new child and integrate this child into his life. Some people would be capable of doing that. The question would be are the 2 of you capable of or interested in exploring the possibility?

Whatever you decide, he potentially has to make the best possible decision for 3 rather than 2 children.

It is a difficult situation and one that will.require the best possible adulting on the part of all of the adults involved.

Good luck as you navigate this difficult situation.

Have you considered going to Citizens Advice? They were really helpful when ExH left as I had no idea what I was entitled to in that situation - coz it’s not like something you plan for!

Sounds like she is 13 weeks pregnant. So there is 6 months left? This feels like a very long time for children.

I'd still be leaving it as long as possible. But it's a good point that separating those two pieces of news by at least a month could help them to process it

OP hasn’t posted anything to suggest she was married to the man, so no point going to CAB. Legally single people have chosen zero legal protections. She’s not coming back to there thread anyway by the looks of it.

You know you are not to blame, but I don't think you get to dictate what he does when he has the children same way he should not be able to dictate what you do when they are with you

Yes get legal advice but unless there is someone in their life who is harming them I don't think you can legally stop her seeing them, she may also be carrying their sibling

This is the reality. He will introduce the dcs to her and they will know about the baby fairly soon, so prepare yourself and your words for when they ask.

But they will be able to advise her of what benefits etc she may be entitled to. When my husband left they really helped in this respect.

Ask him if he'd be happy with a new fling of yours staying over at the house and meeting his kids. I doubt he'd be a fan of that idea, maybe even less so if you asked how he'd feel about you and this new man trying for a baby of your own!

Honestly I'd say that there's reason to doubt the paternity of the child, so the kids aren't to know about the baby or meet her until that is settled - it will only confuse and disrupt them further if they are told this is their sibling and then it isn't. He's done a pretty shit job of thinking about his family in all this so it's about time he steps up to do that now.

If this baby is his, the children will know about it eventually, but at least you can buy your children some time to come to terms with this massive change.

No we are not married, we were together for 20 yrs and co habiting together for 18 years.

How are you doing with practicalities like housing and finances? Are you going to open a claim with the CMS?

so no point going to CAB

The Citizens advice bureau are very good at advising on benefits.

He’s an abusive dick. My ex got someone pregnant quickly too it was awful at the time but lots of time has past. There no going back though that’s for sure.

@DarceyG how did you cope or manage with it all?

@AnneLovesGilbert he works cash in hand and claims benefits so I've no chance getting very much via cms as he's on benefits in their eyes!