Ex partner has got someone pregnant

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I'm looking some advice as I'm not sure how to go about things with him now.

I was with this man for 20 years from a teen until my late 30s now. There was what i would say emotional abuse going on and i only really noticed what it was when we had our children who are 4 & 5. I began to pull away without realising and just with the stress of having 2 kids one after another we became distant. He says i didnt show him enough respect or affection, i wasnt giving him enough sex, when i spoke to other men by just saying hello he would give all sorts of accusations or the silent treatment until he was ready to have a go at me. He says i didnt try hard enough basically (but i was) i just couldnt meet all his demands and with bring a mum with 2 young kids i was stressed and lost myself after battling post natal depression. He wanted to have another baby but i wanted to wait until both kids were in school.

He ended up deciding to leave me in Sept. We were back and forth deciding on if we could make things work until he told me he had started seeing a 23 yr old in our town (family ties as well with me and this girl) I wasn't happy but he asked me to forgive him and I said I needed some time. Instead of waiting for my answer he remained seeing the girl and she is now pregnant, conceived 3-4 weeks after he walked out.

He has been having mixed feelings about it all as ultimately we were going to try and work before the pregnancy came up at things as we still loved each other and because of our small children. He's all over the place getting this 23 yr old pregnant when he's 37 and now feels its his duty to remain with her seeing as she is pregnant instead of making his other 2 kids his priority. We originally were getting on well and co parenting really well together until he recently told me he wants the kids to meet her and tell them about the baby, this now means I've to share my kids with this girl and I'm not really coping with it all very well. It has caused a huge rift between me and the kids dad because I've told him I'm broken hearted since he walked out, met someone else and got her pregnant. He only left 16 weeks ago!

Hes really frustrated with me for not wanting to go through this part just yet of having her round the kids. I'm just not mentally ready along with the fact this girl was apparently seeing another lad at the same time. She's adamant the baby belongs to my ex but I think the dates are quite close so I'm concerned about the kids being told about a baby who may not ultimately be his (although it might be) I'm also not prepared for the kids coming home with all the stories about their dad's girlfriend and her having a baby. That's something I wanted my kids to experience with me and their dad. I'm broken over all of this, I've continually dealt with heartache since he walked out and was sure we were gonna make a go of things again. I don't know how to cope with allowing the kids round her so soon, they're not together that long and it started out on a rocky path because she knew he wanted to come back to me and the kids. Although he's now in no contact with me after us falling out about the kids meeting her.

Hes had full access to the kids at any time I've just set a boundary the once and it was about the kids meeting her so I could have time to adjust to the situation and also accept that there's no going back for us. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

I just think its way too soon for the kids to meet this girl yet, plus what if the baby isn't his?? I also don't know how to deal with all the stories the kids are going to come home with. The breakup has really affected my mental health I'm struggling to cope with it and now knowing he has this whole other life to live and my kids which took us over 8 yrs to have, have to be shared with her and this new baby. I'm not sure where to go with it all. Do I legally have to do this so soon??? Plus my son has been struggling since his dad has left so this news will set him back more in my opinion and it sets their mum back too.

I want to keep a good relationship with their dad but there's too much hurt and raw emotion that all of this is causing even more issues between us. Has anybody been in a situation like this so soon after their partner leaving?

Previous posters are right, he is their father and unless he is putting your kids at risk he should be able to see them and he can judge who they spend time with while they are with him.

What he doesn't have any right to do is involve you in his drama. You are no longer together, you don't need to respond to anything unless it is about the kids. Start shutting him down when he talks about his situation, you do not need that in your life.

I cant believe this, I can't believe I've to endure more pain and hurt than I already am because of his actions and choices given how quickly everything has taken place and what it has done to me emotionally.

Keep in mind I live in a small town where I've to watch this all unfold as well, this is the most unbearable pain or heartache I've ever experienced. She's saying what a fantastic dad he is but isn't aware he chose to not see his own kids so he can spend time with her nor has he given me last weeks maintaining towards the kids because in his words I dont deserve it. Yet he earns a very decent wage. I'm a sahm to our kids as I've no help in regards to family with childcare or help as my mum is quite unwell and siblings live an hr away. I cant believe it's legal for him to do all this and that as the kids mother I've no say especially as it's tearing their mum apart, what about the children's welfare and how their mum doesn't feel like she can cope with this. I know I should swallow my pride and just go along with everything but it's ripping me apart that I'm struggling and he gets to go on with a whole other life with my kids involved and he tell me this is my own doing and my own karma.

I'm involved with women's aid who have went through many things in my relationship and pointed out there was coercive control taking place. He basically told me about him and this girl speaking about kids and now it's happening! It's also because it's all totally in my head that I I'd been a better partner I wouldn't have had to go through all this. That part he has stuck in my head completely. I give this man 20 yrs of my life and fought my arse off to give him our kids I've been through a lot with him and he's completely discarded me like I'm nothing. This was always my biggest fear in life seeing as I grew upand had to do the whole thing of a broken family, it was awful I never wanted to go through this myself and here I am. I cant believe he's putting me through the cruelest thing when he knows my life story

She's saying what a fantastic dad he is

Well she's going to find out the hard way he's a shit father and person.

She'd utterly stupid for getting pregnant by him in the first place. They're a pair of imbeciles ... Unfortunately you're going to have to coparent with him.

But I'd suggest you keep a phone if email for arrangements and block him on everything else. Because he's an abuser.

I’d say it’s over

even not knowing he’s the father he’s sadly chosen this 23 year old over you

i say that not to be cruel …
but the sooner you can accept that (and maybe realise that this might in the long term be better) the sooner you can move on with YOUR life

right now this feels shit
but some self care and self love
you’ll realise he’s a total selfish cunt and longer run - your life will be better not growing old with him
trust me !!

As much as it hurts right now, you will get through it. What’s more, you’ll be glad you did. Read up about trauma bond and see if it rings any bells.

This might not help now but think how it looks to others.

He conceived a child less than 3 weeks from leaving you (on the girl's first period since leaving you). She is 14 years younger than him with hardly any life experience. When your first kid was born, she was in school.

Remember these are the facts. You can remind people of these facts with no judgement. No interpretation. No accusation that he's a bad partner. You don't need to say it often but occasionally reminding people of those simple numbers, will help them understand what happened.

It would disgust me as a young adult if I heard that my father did that to my mum.

It would disgust me as a friend to know that a friend did that. But less so than if my father did it.

Take pride and integrity with your actions. The respect and love of those around you, including your DCs is important and will be what gives you a strong and healthy relationship with those that matter to you. He does not matter to you anymore.

Do you have people around you who will support you through this painful time?

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. He’s gas lighting you to try and blame this all on you. Maybe if he hadn’t been such a knob you wouldn’t have split with him in the first place. It’s easy to blame someone else for your own indiscretions.

Listen I’m afraid you legally can’t do a thing about him introducing your children to this woman. You can appeal to him not to, citing their welfare etc but you can’t stop him. Don’t stop him seeing your children because of this, as that’s not fair on them. He has a right to see them despite who he is with. I know that’s painful for you but there’s not anything you can do to stop it in the longer term. He might stop seeing the children if you keep saying don’t introduce them but eventually he’s going to. I’m sorry I know it’s painful. He does need to be very careful if this baby isn’t his. Take care

Also might be worth you looking for a job, give you something to focus on, or thinking about going to college or something. Start focusing on you, and your kids. This guy isn’t worth the upset, you will see in a few years that you are worth so much more

You are saying it's only been 16 weeks since he left. It can take less than 1 minute to impregnate someone !
From your description of him you are well rid !

He chose to have sex with another woman.
He chose not to wear a condom.
He chose, not you.

it sounds as if he uses any situation to exert control and when he doesn’t get his way he starts blaming others. How on earth can it be your fault he made another woman pregnant??? It can’t.

Stand your ground. He can visit his children in this day or this day from x o’clock to y o’clock.
No, they’re not meeting this young woman — the relationship might not last, the pregnancy may not last to term, anything could happen. You’re not introducing your children to random men, he doesn’t introduce them to random women. Find your anger and stand up to him.

Well OP, looks like the trash took itself out.

He’s not worth it, he sounds like an absolute waste of space in any case. Be there for your children and move on with your life. Also, make sure you claim maintenance from him if not already :)

Start a claim with CMS, he must pay for his kids. As he was just a boyfriend you’d have zero legal protections in place (since people have to opt in to having them, by marriage). Is having no employment viable for you? Childcare costs are a factor that tends to have to be choked down for the sake of maintaining a career and pension contributions. Unless independently wealthy it tends not to be a great idea for unmarried women to be SAHPs without any legal protections in place.

This bloke is shit, hopefully you can see that one day.

Legally, how? Seems like he was happy enough to have his cake and eat it until it became more complicated. He's "frustrated", "furious", "blames" ... where is any sense of his own responsibility for his behaviour and the consequences.

Take him to court and get it all agreed by a Judge.
He sounds like a fucking child. He's really cocked up everyone's future. Don't be a pushover.

The man could choose to parent 50:50, in which case no maintenance would be paid, so be prepared for him using that as a threat.

He’s not worth one moment of heartbreak, you and your kids are not a ‘broken family’. Take things a step at a time.

He sounds vile. You're understandably struggling now but honestly you'll be glad to be rid of him one day.

What you need to do is work on healing yourself and stop thinking about trying to control what he does with regard to introducing her to the kids etc because 1) legally you cannot do this, you have no leg to stand on and 2) it isn't good for your own health and well-being. It's tough but you have no choice here and it's no unfair that he gets to have his cake and eat it but I suspect things won't be all rosy for him.

It's over with him, you need to stick to that, and make that clear. But for your sanity, knowing that you can't control what he does in his time with the kids, as hard as it is, he amicable. You will feel better for it and hopefully your kids will too.

You need to plan going forwards. Can you stay living in your current home? What about getting a job? Make sure he is paying maintenance- go through CMS if need be. See what you are entitled to in UC etc. Getting a job will help you, not just financially.

Focus on your kids and do all you can to make sure they're ok. Focus on healing yourself, being strong, and doing all the things you need to do going forward. But I can't stress enough how important it is for you to let go your stress/anger/anxiety around the kids meeting her and what he does regarding things like this. You will drive yourself mad hanging on to this stuff and what you deserve now is to be able to rebuild a healthy happy life for you and the kids. You can do it. Not exactly the same circumstances, no one else involved when we split but I had an awful separation from my abusive ex. Just focus on getting through each day and taking all the steps you need to do. You'll have such pride in yourself- something he will never have because I'm sure deep down he knows what a pathetic specimen he is. Fuck him anyway, he's worthless.

Good luck OP x

Stand your ground. He can visit his children in this day or this day from x o’clock to y o’clock.
No, they’re not meeting this young woman — the relationship might not last, the pregnancy may not last to term, anything could happen. You’re not introducing your children to random men, he doesn’t introduce them to random women. Find your anger and stand up to him.

But it's not about 'standing up' to him. Legally she cannot do this at all- she can't control who he introduces the kids to, not in these circumstances. It absolutely sucks but it is sadly the truth and 'finding anger' and causing more upset and stress for herself won't help her at all. Letting go of anger and stress over things she can't control will ultimately benefit her and her mental health which will benefit the children. She can be a strong, stable and sensible presence for her children. They will recognise that as they get older. That is what she can do to help them, and help herself right now. She will be the responsible parent who puts their interests first and they will know she is there for them.

My children have never met anyone since my separation. I think they have met a girlfriend of their dad's but I'm not sure and I don't get the impression he is with her still. They don't mention and I don't ask. They are safe and happy when they are with him. Beyond that, it's best for me to keep my nose out. I cannot control it.

I've been in a similar position OP. It feels like he's winning and getting to have his cake and eat it. But a few months/a year down the line, oyy will feel very differently about all of this and you'll be content in your life with you and the kids. He'll be the loser and know that he's the loser.

Hi OP
CMS claim needed first and then you really need to set some boundaries in place.
Try to communicate with him via text or email only (ignore calls) so you can keep a record of the communications and the moment he mentions anything other than your shared DC, shut him down by pointing out that as an adult, he alone is responsible for his actions - he is wasting his time trying to blame others and just looks stupid in doing so.
You weren't there holding a gun to his head so his rushing off to have a shag with the nearest available female had nothing to do with you and you don't want anything to do with his OW or anything mentioned about her. She is not part of your life and nothing to do with you. Also his dramas and anything he does from now on is not part of your life and you don't want to hear about them.

Please tell him that unless he wants to be seen as a totally shit father by everyone he knows then he needs to put his children first and that means noticing how much he has already upset them and not putting them through any extra trauma by introducing them to anyone else for many months.
If he mentions the forthcoming child, you can just laugh and say it's highly unlikely that it's his of course. Be strong - this is something you really can do. Stand back from his drama - not your circus, not your monkeys, not your problem.

He may threaten 50:50 with the DC but in reality it is unlikely to happen and would just be an attempt to control you.

Lots of other good advice on this thread:
Read up about trauma bond and see if it rings any bells
Stand your ground. He can visit his children in this day or this day from x o’clock to y o’clock.
No, they’re not meeting this young woman — the relationship might not last, the pregnancy may not last to term, anything could happen. You’re not introducing your children to random men, he doesn’t introduce them to random women. Find your anger and stand up to him. (Yes, this can't be enforced legally but worth saying to him like you mean it as this might work).
He conceived a child less than 3 weeks from leaving you (on the girl's first period since leaving you). She is 14 years younger than him with hardly any life experience. When your first kid was born, she was in school.
Remember these are the facts. You can remind people of these facts with no judgement.
Get a job if you can. You need savings and a pension scheme for the future and this is the best way.

Please start a CMS claim. Take control of his maintenance payments away from him, otherwise it can be used as another leaver of control.

My ExH went mad when I made a CMS claim and said that I’d get less than the voluntary arrangement (it was actually a very small reduction) but it did stop him from using a reduction in maintenance payments as a threat and ensured he did actually pay the agreed amount. If you choose collect and pay it costs him an extra 20% and you a reduction of 4% (from memory) but a least you’re more likely to receive what you need to look after the kids.

Of course she thinks he’s a great father - she’s yet to experience his ‘wonderful’ parenting or indeed what an ‘amazing’ partner he is.

He’s turning it on to you and trying to make it your fault because he has to. No one does what he has done and says ‘my partner is amazing, I’m just a self-absorbed, selfish knobhead’.

Would you be able to move closer to your siblings? My ExH and the OW moved into a house about three streets away from where the kids and I lived. I moved back to my home town ASAP where I had support and was a ‘safe’ distance away (I always panicked about the kids and I encountering them together in the supermarket or something). It was a fresh start.

Stay strong OP, you will get through this. When you’re with a-hole like this, you’re more or less a single parent even before they’ve left.

I was in a very similar place to where you are now 10 years ago. Some lovely Mumsnetters helped me through it and I can say that leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me.

If OP chose to move away, it would be her responsibility to transport the kids to their father for contact.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

in time hopefully you’ll see this too, you can tell the children’s Dad you would prefer if the children didn’t meet his new GF but in all honesty it’s up to him. I’d get into a routine of the children seeing their Dad every other weekend and 1 night in the week, it’s rubbish for children’s mental health wondering when Dads going to turn up, set the boundaries for the children.

From memory (it was ten years ago 😳) there is a limit for distance - though I can’t quite remember what it is. But does he have the funds to persue a court case?

The paying parent can also choose to claim travel expenses through the CMS to pick up their children, which of course my ExH does.

It is definitely too soon for him to be introducing a new gf so soon when the kids are still adapting to mum and dad living apart now, regardless wither he is the baby’s fathers or not. And if he is (although the baby is innocent in this) I would still be waiting a few months before telling them about the baby. The last thing the kids need is the fathers new gf and a new baby thrown in the mix to confuse them even more.

also I think you are being way to generous in still letting the d*kh**d have access to the kids when he is already choosing this woman over his flesh and blood. Despicable excuse of a man! I would make him go through court/contact centre

also I think you are being way to generous in still letting the d*khd have access to the kids when he is already choosing this woman over his flesh and blood. Despicable excuse of a man! I would make him go through court/contact centre

And in the long term, how does that do her or the kids any good? How would that even be viewed in court? Whilst he has chosen to behave like a lowlife, for her own sanity and the well-being of the children she needs to do the opposite. Tell him that it would be wrong to introduce the woman to the kids at this point. But know that legally she cannot control this. Keep communication civil and amicable. Focus on the kids and getting them through this. Of course it's not fair on her but she'll do it, I'm sure, because it's what good parents do. Focus on practical steps, a job etc. Focus on her own healing. And then be bloody proud of how far she has come without him.

He's a twat but making him go through a contact centre with no good reason for it is childish and will reflect badly on her.