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Original poster

Etiquette to end things after 8-10 dates?

56 replies

JollieJullie · 02/01/2023 19:08

I have been dating a lovely guy since mid November, but I now have to end things as it simply hasn't clicked for me. Nobody's fault.

I think he is quite into me so I anticipate he might be disappointed.

What is the etiquette for this type of situation? There is no proper relationship to "break up" but ending it with a text feels a bit cold. We did establish a nice rapport, just my feelings haven't developed as they should.

How would you end things at this stage of dating? How would you prefer to get the message if it was you being "broken up" with? Thanks for any advice!

OP posts:
Smooshface · 02/01/2023 19:09

I did it in person, just had to sit them down and explain my feelings. Was a good chat really, bit of a shame as he was lovely, but i feel like after that many dates that's it isn't it.

Workawayxx · 02/01/2023 19:13

I would text it but say I’d be happy to chat things through on the phone if they’d like. I’d prefer to get a text with the option to talk so I could work things through in my mind. And from your pov if he has a more negative response you can rescind the phone call offer. I don’t think you “owe” too much after just 8-10 dates.

Augend23 · 02/01/2023 19:15

I wouldn't text - he could be anywhere when he checks it (as he won't be expecting that) and by the sound of it he might be quite upset.

I'd either explain in person or call I think.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 02/01/2023 19:22

Smooshface · 02/01/2023 19:09

I did it in person, just had to sit them down and explain my feelings. Was a good chat really, bit of a shame as he was lovely, but i feel like after that many dates that's it isn't it.

Agree with this, if I was on the receiving end I'd (eventually after I'm over it) think more highly of the other person.

I don't know why and maybe it's just me but I think it's just common decency. There can be no misinterpretation when face to face.

Clean, quick break.

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 19:24

Meet him somewhere neutral for a coffee and set the expectation that it's a short one beforehand, then explain and be honest.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2023 19:25

The thing is - whilst everyone is right and it's decent and moral etc etc in person - the reality is I think I'd always prefer to receive the info by text! Even if it was years. Because then I can process it in entirely my own time any way I want.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2023 19:25

Also, as soon as you text to set up the call/short meet up etc which is out of the ordinary - they already know!

WatieKatie · 02/01/2023 21:12

As it’s only been a short number of dates and is very early days, I would also send a text gently explaining. I don’t see any point in coffee or a telephone conversation as it’s clear that you’ve made up your mind and there is nothing worse than someone trying to convince you to give it a try.

Northernsoullover · 02/01/2023 21:16

I would also prefer a text or phone call. I ended a six year relationship by phone. It wasn't planned that way but he knew something was up. I know I'd prefer that now.

Ihatethenewlook · 02/01/2023 21:19

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2023 19:25

The thing is - whilst everyone is right and it's decent and moral etc etc in person - the reality is I think I'd always prefer to receive the info by text! Even if it was years. Because then I can process it in entirely my own time any way I want.

This to an extent (maybe not YEARS in). I can’t imagine how I’d feel being sat down and told something like this if it was completely unexpected. I’d probably be sat there feeling a combination of devastation/embarrassment whilst trying to act like it’s not a big deal. I’d send a text when you know they’re home with the option of them phoning you if they want to talk about it.

category12 · 02/01/2023 21:20

Depends.

I think it's kind of mean to drag someone out specially to dump them. If you see him anyway as you live in the same area, then sure a chat in person, but if he has to travel or make an effort to meet up, then no. Plus they have to deal with their emotions in public.

I'd call or video-call him, probably. Text if he was likely to be difficult or try to persuade me otherwise.

Skipsaway · 02/01/2023 21:23

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2023 19:25

Also, as soon as you text to set up the call/short meet up etc which is out of the ordinary - they already know!

This!
I tried to arrange a meet up with a guy I had been dating for a few weeks. He wasn't available to meet for all the options I gave. In the end I had to do it by text.
He sent me a lovely text back and wished me well. I then tried to arrange a follow up for coffee but I think he blocked me as he never replied. I don't know if I did the right thing but as I'd try to arrange a quick meet up I think he knew.

IamSamantha · 02/01/2023 21:50

You slowly cool things down over a couple of weeks so it's not a shock. You ease off the flirtation, frequency of comms. Then you speak to them over the phone so they can away easier. I've tried and I'm really disappointed because you're so lovely but the chemistry just isn't happening for me.

Marineboy67 · 03/01/2023 00:39

I think to text out after 10 dates is pretty lame really. I suppose if your not brave enough to face up to the person maybe as a last resort. It also depends on how your dates have developed and what you've discussed about where your both at! How you feel about each

Marineboy67 · 03/01/2023 00:41

Other.....this platform really needs overhauling to enable editing!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/01/2023 00:49

I'd call him rather then do it fact to face. I think text is harsh though.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/01/2023 00:53

IamSamantha · 02/01/2023 21:50

You slowly cool things down over a couple of weeks so it's not a shock. You ease off the flirtation, frequency of comms. Then you speak to them over the phone so they can away easier. I've tried and I'm really disappointed because you're so lovely but the chemistry just isn't happening for me.

I like this approach, possibly with a warning text along the lines of 'we need to have a chat, it's not going to be an easy conversation so let me know when would be a good time'. Rather than calling him out of the blue when he could be in the middle of something.

I understand that some people see anything other than face to face as a lack of respect but I would absolutely hate to be broken up with that way. Especially in public.

OnaBegonia · 03/01/2023 01:00

You slowly cool things down over a couple of weeks so it's not a shock
Why drag it out for weeks, OP wants to end it now not weeks from now. Since Nov is hardly any time, a text will be fine.

Aprilx · 03/01/2023 01:01

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2023 19:25

The thing is - whilst everyone is right and it's decent and moral etc etc in person - the reality is I think I'd always prefer to receive the info by text! Even if it was years. Because then I can process it in entirely my own time any way I want.

Has that actually happened to you on a years long relationship though? It happened to me over twenty years ago after a year long relationship, actually it was an email. I still feel a bit cross about it (when I have reason to think about it, like now) and think that he was a pathetic coward.

To OP’s situation, I’d probably do it in person, at a push over the phone, but I haven’t dated for a long time now.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 01:03

I think for a short relationship of a month like this I’d sooner just have a text/email/call. I would worry about meeting in a public place because if it was me in the other position I’d feel very emotional and hurt and would feel embarrassed sitting in a coffee shop.

Obviously a different situation if you’d been together a year!

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 01:06

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/01/2023 00:53

I like this approach, possibly with a warning text along the lines of 'we need to have a chat, it's not going to be an easy conversation so let me know when would be a good time'. Rather than calling him out of the blue when he could be in the middle of something.

I understand that some people see anything other than face to face as a lack of respect but I would absolutely hate to be broken up with that way. Especially in public.

Show quote history

Surely that text is a break up text though? Texting someone you’ve been dating for a month saying ‘we need to have a chat, it won’t be an easy conversation so let me know when you’re free’ is as good as texting ‘thanks for the dates, you are really nice but for personal reasons I just don’t think things will work out for us and it would be best we don’t see each other again.’ Like sending a text like that, all vague but anticipating, is only going to make the person feel stressed.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 03/01/2023 01:17

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 01:06

Surely that text is a break up text though? Texting someone you’ve been dating for a month saying ‘we need to have a chat, it won’t be an easy conversation so let me know when you’re free’ is as good as texting ‘thanks for the dates, you are really nice but for personal reasons I just don’t think things will work out for us and it would be best we don’t see each other again.’ Like sending a text like that, all vague but anticipating, is only going to make the person feel stressed.

Show quote history

Yes you're probably right. I'd still want a warning ahead of a call though. Maybe just the 'let me know when you're free for a chat' bit, then? Or even just a bit of chatter first so she can suss out what he's up to and whether it would be a good time.

Just so she doesn't catch him when he's about to walk into a job interview or a funeral or something!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 03/01/2023 01:25

don't break up by text. that's mean.

in my opinion the best method for a breakup is a voice-only phone call
at a time when you know he's at home. there's a personal connection but they can have privacy and dignity afterwards - it's awful having to get yourself home from being dumped if you are out and about.

"I've been doing my best to give this a chance because you are genuinely a lovely person but it's just not clicking for me and I don't think it's going to". It's not bad or wrong to say this.

OnaBegonia · 03/01/2023 01:48

Dear God, why is OP expected to pander to this man? all this; he might get a shock, be going to an interview, she owes him nothing, they've dated 4/6 weeks tops.
A short text, had some nice times but would rather we just call it a day, job done!

YouTarzan · 03/01/2023 02:06

You slowly cool things down over a couple of weeks so it's not a shock

Shock I can’t believe that anybody thinks this is a good idea! That’s just horrible, to give someone that sinking anxious feeling of knowing that something is wrong.

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