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Original poster

Etiquette to end things after 8-10 dates?

56 replies

JollieJullie · 02/01/2023 19:08

I have been dating a lovely guy since mid November, but I now have to end things as it simply hasn't clicked for me. Nobody's fault.

I think he is quite into me so I anticipate he might be disappointed.

What is the etiquette for this type of situation? There is no proper relationship to "break up" but ending it with a text feels a bit cold. We did establish a nice rapport, just my feelings haven't developed as they should.

How would you end things at this stage of dating? How would you prefer to get the message if it was you being "broken up" with? Thanks for any advice!

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 03/01/2023 02:08

Hi @JollieJullie tbh as it's only been since November that you've been dating i think a text is ok x

romdowa · 03/01/2023 02:10

Wait until he asks to meet and then just send the no spark text . Its been 8 dates there doesn't need to be a big fan fare

Bard6817 · 03/01/2023 02:23

IamSamantha · 02/01/2023 21:50

You slowly cool things down over a couple of weeks so it's not a shock. You ease off the flirtation, frequency of comms. Then you speak to them over the phone so they can away easier. I've tried and I'm really disappointed because you're so lovely but the chemistry just isn't happening for me.

How awfull.

Id prefer a text that says, ‘sorry this ain’t working, bye’ and then being blocked, than what you are suggesting. A cruel death.

category12 · 03/01/2023 05:47

It's funny how different responses are.

I think it's unkind to drag it out by cooling off & fading them out over a couple of weeks. Just tell them! Far worse to have them wondering what's going on. You see posters on here asking "I think my bf is pulling away", confused and upset, and half the replies telling them it's probably all in their heads Confused, etc.

And I think it's unkind to drag them out for what they presumably think is a date only to dump them. Face to face is so overrated. It belongs with committed relationships only, not short lived ones.

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 06:00

In a short relationship I’d much prefer a text. Please don’t do the slow fade on them. Cooling things over a few weeks can be anxiety inducing - wondering where they went wrong, etc.

Nothighgaprequired · 03/01/2023 06:02

Dating for a few weeks, tx is totally fine. Clear and to the point, no point making dragging it out. Don’t understand why all the posters are saying it’s not, let’s be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot ghosting would be most likely

C1N1C · 03/01/2023 06:42

By text. It needs to be quick. An "I think you're a really nice guy but I'm just not feeling it, sorry" sort of message.

Nothing worse than being dragged out somewhere, especially public, and being told it's over... all that effort and time, day wasted...

As for calls, they'll try to dissuade you, which can drag on with tears or even anger if he's a dick!

I'm a guy, I've been dumped and dumped, no idea whether it is the same or different for girls, that's just my opinion!

IamSamantha · 03/01/2023 06:49

I think it's obvious from the replies that everyone is different and it depends on the individual affected. I'd hate to just get just a text out of the blue after seeing someone this often. Yes if it's been 1-3 dates but any more and I'd find it cold, insensitive and hope I was worth a bit more consideration.

Maybe this is a judgement call based on what you know of the person.

Liveafr · 03/01/2023 07:00

I was once dumped from a similar length dating in a café and I absolutely hated it! I thought it was a regular date so I started joyfully chating about stuff, then he delivered the news. I felt really mortified with embarassement, and also pretty humiliated that it happened in a public place (people nearby can overhear, the waiter can bring the drink in the middle of the conversation). Then you don't quite know what to do with yourself and how to exit gracefully.
Also, presumably you have ordered a drink before having the talk. Then who pays for the drinks? It's quite mean to get someone to pay for their drink when you just asked them out to dump them (especially since after being dumped they won't want to sit and enjoy their drink, probably they will leave without drinking). But offering to pay can feel humiliating to them, like you pity them, and can be really awkward for everyone involved. No, really, don't ask someone out to a cafe to dump them. I can't believe anyone thought it was a good idea.
I'd recommend a phone call. In-person is not necessary for short term dating and text message seems a bit brutal if he has gotten attached (which may happen after a couple of months).

IamSamantha · 03/01/2023 07:00

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 01:06

Surely that text is a break up text though? Texting someone you’ve been dating for a month saying ‘we need to have a chat, it won’t be an easy conversation so let me know when you’re free’ is as good as texting ‘thanks for the dates, you are really nice but for personal reasons I just don’t think things will work out for us and it would be best we don’t see each other again.’ Like sending a text like that, all vague but anticipating, is only going to make the person feel stressed.

Show quote history

Personally wouldn't send the need a conversation text. Do you not ring each other sometimes anyway? Just ask if it's convenient to talk and is he at home when you call him. If he's out or busy ask him to call you back when he can.

Have people forgotten the basics of how to communicate with each other now as well.

Supernormative · 03/01/2023 07:13

A text is a bit harsh. We've lost the ability to be respectful and communicate properly. A phone call to say you are sorry but there is no spark and you wish him well would be the right way to do it.

category12 · 03/01/2023 08:45

I think it's a bit odd that texting/messaging isn't considered "proper" communication somehow. It's relatively new, but it seems strangely despised when so many people use it and even prefer it.

I know some people look down on messaging and it's a weird snobbery to me. I have a boyfriend I don't live with and the vast amount of our daily contact is via messaging. Why would it be valid to make declarations of love & affection by text but not OK to end things?

Is there the same social pressure on men to end things in approved ways? Are women expected to manage men's feelings more? And if so, doesn't that actually put us at risk?

Why must it be this big rigmarole, when it's cleaner and kinder to just be straightforward & honest?

Original poster
JollieJullie · 03/01/2023 08:51

Thanks everyone for your advice!

The thing is, we have never called each other so it would be very weird to ask for a call. I think the choice is between a text and doing it in person in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
JollieJullie · 03/01/2023 08:53

romdowa · 03/01/2023 02:10

Wait until he asks to meet and then just send the no spark text . Its been 8 dates there doesn't need to be a big fan fare

Yeah maybe this could be a solution

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 03/01/2023 08:55

I always preferred text.

If a man is dumping me, then I don't need detailed feedback as to why etc. it just is what it is.

(And I have generally stayed mates /friends with all ex's so it was usually a not a romantic spark things/ they wanted kids)

If I ever got that "can we talk" text I knew it was over anyway. So just do it by text and we could meet up in a week if needed (anything to return?)

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2023 09:11

Yet another thing to consider, is the arrogance of making a big thing of it. After such a short amount of time. Arranging to meet, lots of 'oh I'm so sorry's, etc' as if their whole world is going to fall apart if you finish it, because you're obviously the best thing that ever happened to them. (Not you op, you might be!, I'm just making a general point) Whereas, they might well be seeing several others at this stage and couldn't care less.

Lividity · 03/01/2023 09:29

God I would hate someone dragging me out, getting ready to look nice, the effort of getting to town or whatever to be dumped in person.

I’d much prefer a kind text, at a time they knew I was at home.

Side note, I did many years of OLD and the tradition the other way seems very much to just stop replying/go colder to send the recipient into a week of spin and anxiety before they finally admit they’re done. Don’t do that, men suck.

A simple “I’m sorry, it’s not working out and I wish you all the best!” is so much healthier.

(I rarely do phone calls either. If it’s not your normal method then it’s weird. Some people do, for them it wouldn’t be weird).

NeverGonnaNot · 03/01/2023 09:34

I did this once. I sent a text calling it a day and offered to ring later. He took it really well, said he was surprised but no need for a phone call.

I would prefer a text myself. I would feel humiliated if I thought I was going on a date and then dumped when I got there and what a waste of time.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 03/01/2023 09:36

Interesting reading other perspectives and I can totally see why actually, despite my previous thoughts face to face is better, someone would be pissed off at having made an effort to come out to then be dumped. Totally get that.

Maybe if it's still early days and casual a phone call is the way to go. Good middle ground.

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 09:43

If you don't normally have phone calls I don't think text is the wrong thing to do; otherwise you're meeting up with him having the expectation of a date and just wasting his time.

romdowa · 03/01/2023 09:45

JollieJullie · 03/01/2023 08:53

Yeah maybe this could be a solution

Show quote history

It's not a relationship, it's dating! You barely know the guy and look how much head space you are giving him.

Sallytobleroney · 03/01/2023 10:59

You could text to suggest a quick phone call. If he says what's up then you can break up by text and give him the option of a phone conversation.

Women have to think of their own safety and so meeting in person isn't always the best option, except where you've been with someone quite a long time.

Livelifelaughter · 03/01/2023 11:32

I think it's interesting that you have counted the number of dates, which suggests that for you at least it wasn't a relationship more someone that you're dating. 8 dates over 6-8 weeks isn't a lot. I also think it depends a bit on how you met, if it's through friends I would definitely talk to him. Personally I think a phone call is enough. If it's a relationship where you send a lot of texts anyway then I think a text should be fine. Being blunt if you have been sleeping together and spending weekends together then I would definitely suggest a phone call as a minimum or offer to meet during the day. Good luck.

SpinningFloppa · 03/01/2023 12:30

Just send a text, I would hate to be broken up with in person and publicly would be worse

RocketIceLollie · 03/01/2023 12:36

It's refreshing to see someone put some thought into how to end it. I agree with some of the others, don't drag him into town just to dump him. 8-10 dates is not serious but enough to warrant more than a text. I'd say a phonecall would be the best way.