Half brother. Carry on faking or not? WWYD?

[Ladyof2022]

I am sorry that this turned out to be so lengthy. I imagined I could tell the whole thing in a couple of paragraphs but somehow it just kept growing.

It's turned into a combination of getting my thoughts straight, getting this hurt off my chest, and asking a WWYD and an AIBU? at the end. Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't have time!

I am 65 and have a half-brother 15 years older than me. He is the son of mum's first marriage and we did not grow up in the same house. I only met him now and again from my age 5 to 11, when he moved in with me, our mum and my dad for about 6 months when he was 25. After he moved out we went back to meeting only now and again for short periods of time.

I have no other siblings and both my parents are dead, so he is now the elder and I suppose "head" of the "family" and also, legally, he is my next of kin. Actually he is my ONLY kin as I am not married and have no children.

We are not like brother and sister; his place in my life has been more like that of a distant uncle, partly I suppose because he's nearly old enough to be my dad. We've never fallen out, but never been close, either.

He's an extremely gregarious man who over the years had hosted many dinner and house parties; he thinks nothing of inviting 20 or 30 people to his house for the day. He used to invite me to every one of his gatherings, house parties, wedding anniversaries and birthday parties but after Mum died 15 yrs ago he just stopped inviting me without saying why and I was too hurt or too shy to ask why.

Over the 50 years of his marriage he and his wife have been away for hundreds of weekends or holidays with other couples or other family members. For 30 years they owned a holiday home abroad and everyone they know seems to have been invited to stay there either with them, or when they were not using it. However, he has never once invited me to stay at his house or his holiday place or to go on holiday or a weekend away.

He invited me to spend the day at his house (along with about 10+ other guests) every Boxing Day for over 20 years; however, he never once invited me for Xmas Day, as that was reserved for his real family (i.e. his kids, our mum, his MIL, etc).

He and my SIL raised two children whom I very rarely met during their childhood, and I have not seen them or had contact with them since the last time I was there for Boxing Day in 2008. They grew up, left home, married and had kids of their own, whom I have never met. None have ever made contact with me, even though I am easily findable on Facebook or through their mother. So they, also, want nothing to do with me.

Three years after Mum died, without explanation he ceased inviting me to his yearly Boxing Day gatherings. Birthday and Christmas cards began to be signed only by his wife. If I ring them they never answer the phone and they don't have an answerphone. He used to phone me 3 or 4 times a year, but that has devolved into his wife ringing me once a year. (I've known his wife since they started dating 50 years ago.) When she rings she always "can't chat for long" as she's "about to go out" or has "some potatoes on the hob" or expecting a guest any minute. I get the feeling that she only rings out of some kind of "duty" or obligation and if that is the case, I would rather she not bother. I don't want to be a chore to anyone. However, I am polite and chirpy and friendly and she will cheerily tell me about the gatherings and holidays and outings they've had in the last few months. If I ask to speak to my brother he's "at work". (He's in the entertainment industry and, though he's pushing 80, is still working, albeit part time.)

At the end of these phone calls my SIL always says they "must come to visit me soon" and I agree, and sometimes I suggest a date based on what's coming up, like one of our birthdays, or Easter. She then says she will liaise with him about when would be the best time to come, and will ring me back, but she never does. Nowadays, we live only 40 miles apart, and although I am now disabled and I do not drive so cannot visit them, he still drives and is fit and well, driving to work 2 to 3 days a week. And yet he has not been to visit me for seven years.

Seven years!

During that time, as his wife knows, as I have told her, that I've suffered from clinical depression, developed an anxiety disorder, had a breakdown through being relentlessly bullied by a group of people, lost my partner to cancer, and become physically disabled, losing my mobility, which has been very traumatic, and yet none of these life events have prompted him to want to even speak to me on the phone, let alone actually visit me, and yet he is only 45 minutes away by car.

He is, clearly, willing to go to his grave without EVER seeing me again. And I have no idea why.

At this point I ought to say, in case anyone is wondering, that to my knowledge I have never done anything to deserve being dropped and excluded from their life. I've never got drunk or caused an argument or committed a faux pas. We've never had an argument or any strife between us. Believe me, I have wracked my brain on many occasions trying to remember anything I may have said or done to make him dislike me, which he clearly does, and I am at a complete loss. He kept me on the margins of his life until Mum died, and it seems to be her death that prompted him to push me even off the margin and out of his life altogether.

What has prompted me to post this today is that I received the usual Xmas card, written as usual by her, not him, signed "All our love" and "See you soon!" And yet it's crystal clear that they do not "love" me at all and have zero intention of seeing me "soon", nor indeed at all for the rest of our lives.

I hate fakery, and these yearly birthday and Xmas cards, and yearly, breezy, brief phone calls, are fakery, aren't they? I did not bother sending them a card this year as I am sick and tired of engaging with the fakery of sending "all my love" to them and going along with the fiction that we will see each other "soon".

I have thought about writing to them and telling them how hurt I am by their actions in gradually cutting contact with me without giving me any reason or explanation. Should I? Or will this simply make things worse?

Because of his unbrotherly treatment of me, I have made sure that he, though he is my next of kin, gets nothing in my will and that means his kids or grandkids will not inherit from me. (I don't have much money but I do own a large house that is worth a small fortune). Am I wrong to do this? Is that just being spiteful in retaliation, or the right thing to do under the circumstances?

Sell your house. downsize to somewhere lovely. Spend your money on posh singles holiday cruises - the Arctic,Norway, the yellow river in China, the Danube, South Africa etc etc etc etc
send them a postcard from each place.
Apart from that forget about them.

@Ladyof2022 I didn't think I was nasty? You openly admitted you didn't like his fawning over his minor celebrity lifestyle and he doesn't like your bookish personality (I think you said he finds it dull as dish water?). You both (according to you) seem to have some contempt for each others choices in life but you genuinely can't understand why this relationship hasn't blossomed.
He seems to have a full life with people on the same wavelength as him (you mentioned his friendships were superficial, he's 80 and clearly happy with the way things are) but you wanted a deeper connection as a sibling, maybe he knows you find his lifestyle superfluous and has stepped back?
I'm not being nasty, that is the impression I get from your posts. Nobody here knows exactly why he doesn't want the relationship with you to be closer than it is, we can only provide an opinion based on what you have said.

Oh ffs @Ladyof2022 you are acting like a victim in a situation where nobody is victimising you! Lots of us have tried to give you thoughtful feedback but you don't seem to be taking any of it on, instead you are becoming increasingly defensive.

I had a relative who was constantly threatening - and doing for all I know - to cut people out of her Will. Any perceived snub, and that fucking Will got trotted out. Every time I visited her I had to listen to her non-stop list of who she had cut out recently and exactly why they had been cut out, with the unspoken message that it would be me next if I didn't toe her line. All of us, the whole family, turned our backs on her - spending our lives indulging her PA need to feel she was punishing us was not something we were remotely interested in. I believe all her money was spent on care-home fees in the end.

If you want to disinherit your brother then just do so. It is only money. You can have the rest of your life dwelling on how badly you have been treated etc etc. But it isn't your brother who will suffer for that, is it?

If you actually want a relationship with your brother then pick up the phone and tell him how important it is to you to meet up.

I think you need to write a letter, politely explaining how you feel.

I've read this thread and have no advice to offer. However, some of the posters have clearly not read things properly at all before laying into the op. WHY DON'T YOU READ THE POSTS FIRST BEFORE REPLYING FGS?

I had one of those too, @Haffiana — continual extended family talk of who’d been invited down to the lawyers’ office with him (DH’s uncle) this week, mostly apocryphally! I realise, looking back, that he was an unhappy, lonely man, and his will gave him the only sense of purchase he had on the world. It was his way of saying ‘Look at me! I still count!’

In the end, he left all his (considerable) assets to a wealthy, unscrupulous brother who’d exploited him.

@Haffiana and @HolyStoned I have never mentioned my Will to my bro or SIL.

@SmokeyPaprika

Thanks for sharing your fantasy of what you would do in my position but none of that appeals to me. I love where I live and the people I live with, and will never leave this house unless I have no choice. TBH the idea of being trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean fills me with utter horror.

But yes, it's time to forget any idea that I am part of anyone's family. It's particularly hard at this time of year because everyone is talking about family, being with family, the importance of family, how family means everything to them, and I don't have any family whatsoever.

Can we please close this thread because it's got to the point where SOME (few) people are joining just to be rude and making false accusations.

Do you consider anyone who does not agree with you to be 'rude', OP? Might this shed some light on your situation with your family?

I have an actor for a brother and it is hard work when people like us are compared to them, expected to fawn over them and worship them like we’re their fans…. He struggles with my social awkwardness and takes it all very personally and takes it out on me at family events. I resigned myself to never being good enough and so not putting in the kind of effort I’d expect brothers and sisters to make. I avoid him at any gatherings we both attend. I find his attention seeking too much… but I do maintain an at distance relationship with him.

With time and age I realised that the image of a sibling relationship I had in my
head was only ever seen on kids tv and Hollywood films, not reality. I’m wondering if you have an idealised vision of how it should be and your disappointment and expectation comes from that.

Just because you are related by blood doesn’t mean you owe each other time or attention and you seem to expect from your posts that the genetic bond means something more than it is.

I know how hurtful it is to feel like your family don’t care and don’t love you but you have played a part in that too and haven’t made any effort with them over the years (I’m thinking specifically towards your nieces and nephews). It’s hurts a parent when their close relative has no time or interest in their kids, even feigned interest like sending birthday cards and Xmas presents but you admit you haven’t bothered and now it’s been so long why should you? That will be noted by your relatives.

if you’re not willing to make small gestures then they won’t either. That your SIL still tries is testament to her personality and it would be a shame to lose that one connection you have through your ego being bruised.

I say this from a place of understanding and experience and a lot of personal self reflection. If you don’t behave like someone people want to be around then as you’re finding out they stop asking you to be around.

Have you read the whole thread?! People are being rude and making massive assumptions.

Something must've changed 7 years ago. People do get strange ideas in their head and make assumptions as we can see. Did you first get depressed then and they think they're doing you a favour by not inviting you as they think it will be too much for you? If you want to be in his life, at least tell him that. If he still ignores you then you have your answer.

Have you rung him this morning to wish him a Happy New year? As I suggested above its a good time to make contact.

Can we please close this thread because it's got to the point where SOME (few) people are joining just to be rude and making false accusations.

I hope you've found it supportive and useful overall.

I was of the opinion you should cut them off , but I wonder now if you should tell them how you feel before making a final decision on that.

OP, you can just hide the thread and ignore further replies if you've had enough. Or you can report your thread and ask MN to take it down. I hope some of it was helpful.

I've actually changed my mind and think it's worth you asking them if there's any reason for the distance that could be resolved as you seem to have had a closer relationship than I realised initially.

I hope the New Year brings good things for you.

Do you know he definitely is still working?! Could he possibly be an alcoholic now? I know seems strange thing to say but maybe they don’t want you to know?

Relationships take two and it can be hard and painful when someone doesn't reciprocate the kind of relationship that you want. Such is their right though and sometimes we never know why they choose to end things or let them slide.

My advice is to try to stop thinking about this relationship as much as you can and focus on other relationships and building new friendships.

If the wife phones again it's fine to ask her why she thinks contact between you had slipped and to say that you miss how things used to be.

You’re their auntie, of course it’s fine to contact them directly.

What do you see as the way forward OP? What can you do to improve the relationship or move on emotionally?

have you ever tried to chat to him about wanting more of his time and connection? Is it worth writing to your brother to say this? he sounds like a social butterfly, although he certainly won’t have the stamina he had as a 40 year old. All the driving, performances, socials will take more effort now he’s 80

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I think that letting the relationship slowly drift away is the right choice.

My situation is similar. My half brother is 16 years older than me. He grew up living with my dad’s ex but had joined the army by the time I was born. We saw each other maybe once or twice a year. He’s not a very nice person, so that does make it all easier, but I haven’t seen him since we settled my dad’s estate, about 20 years ago.

The reality is that family is a relationship you have to work at, it’s not a given. I have family I was quite close to who I’ve drifted apart from. I think that’s normal and okay. It sounds like his wife has tried to keep the relationship going, but there’s just nothing there.

If I wasn’t related by blood, I never would have had any sort of close relationship with my brother or my aunts/uncles. We have nothing in common and I have no real interest in a relationship with them. It’s just how it is. I wouldn’t assume it’s because they are being unkind, just that they are letting it all fizzle out, and that’s okay.

Find the people who can be like ‘family’ to you as they are wonderful to have. You don’t have to be related to them for the relationship to matter.

Thanks

@mindutopia

@Thingiemajig

@Blip

@category12

and even to @Janedoe82

oops, forgot @alpenguin

Honestly I think you are overthinking this.

Christmas day with his immediate family. Normal

I don't invite my 1/2 siblings, either

Do you invite him to anything ?

It works both ways

Improve your communication

Wow, @Ladyof2022 you're getting lots of grief. No-one knows why your half brother has stopped inviting you to things or making much of an effort with you.

Short of asking him directly, you will never know but that's awkward and there is no guarantee he would give a straight answer.

It sounds like his wife does care, I doubt her infrequent calls are purely duty driven, but starting a call with a time limit is a bit off, especially if she has made the call.

Families are weird.

Come on Op. Ok you put more on this relationship than they do but no point cutting off your nose to spite your face. People are busy! Go on a charm offensive. Be nice! Be charming! Build those connections. I am an introvert too but it's self indulgent to sit back. Tell them how much you appreciate them and how important they are to you. Ask to visit. Bring some booze and luxury foods for all those boxing days! Thank them. Say you'd love to be included still. Accept once or twice a year and build other relationships. Don't be bitter X

They're 80. They're more likely to go first so it might not even be an issue.