Half brother. Carry on faking or not? WWYD?

[Ladyof2022]

I am sorry that this turned out to be so lengthy. I imagined I could tell the whole thing in a couple of paragraphs but somehow it just kept growing.

It's turned into a combination of getting my thoughts straight, getting this hurt off my chest, and asking a WWYD and an AIBU? at the end. Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't have time!

I am 65 and have a half-brother 15 years older than me. He is the son of mum's first marriage and we did not grow up in the same house. I only met him now and again from my age 5 to 11, when he moved in with me, our mum and my dad for about 6 months when he was 25. After he moved out we went back to meeting only now and again for short periods of time.

I have no other siblings and both my parents are dead, so he is now the elder and I suppose "head" of the "family" and also, legally, he is my next of kin. Actually he is my ONLY kin as I am not married and have no children.

We are not like brother and sister; his place in my life has been more like that of a distant uncle, partly I suppose because he's nearly old enough to be my dad. We've never fallen out, but never been close, either.

He's an extremely gregarious man who over the years had hosted many dinner and house parties; he thinks nothing of inviting 20 or 30 people to his house for the day. He used to invite me to every one of his gatherings, house parties, wedding anniversaries and birthday parties but after Mum died 15 yrs ago he just stopped inviting me without saying why and I was too hurt or too shy to ask why.

Over the 50 years of his marriage he and his wife have been away for hundreds of weekends or holidays with other couples or other family members. For 30 years they owned a holiday home abroad and everyone they know seems to have been invited to stay there either with them, or when they were not using it. However, he has never once invited me to stay at his house or his holiday place or to go on holiday or a weekend away.

He invited me to spend the day at his house (along with about 10+ other guests) every Boxing Day for over 20 years; however, he never once invited me for Xmas Day, as that was reserved for his real family (i.e. his kids, our mum, his MIL, etc).

He and my SIL raised two children whom I very rarely met during their childhood, and I have not seen them or had contact with them since the last time I was there for Boxing Day in 2008. They grew up, left home, married and had kids of their own, whom I have never met. None have ever made contact with me, even though I am easily findable on Facebook or through their mother. So they, also, want nothing to do with me.

Three years after Mum died, without explanation he ceased inviting me to his yearly Boxing Day gatherings. Birthday and Christmas cards began to be signed only by his wife. If I ring them they never answer the phone and they don't have an answerphone. He used to phone me 3 or 4 times a year, but that has devolved into his wife ringing me once a year. (I've known his wife since they started dating 50 years ago.) When she rings she always "can't chat for long" as she's "about to go out" or has "some potatoes on the hob" or expecting a guest any minute. I get the feeling that she only rings out of some kind of "duty" or obligation and if that is the case, I would rather she not bother. I don't want to be a chore to anyone. However, I am polite and chirpy and friendly and she will cheerily tell me about the gatherings and holidays and outings they've had in the last few months. If I ask to speak to my brother he's "at work". (He's in the entertainment industry and, though he's pushing 80, is still working, albeit part time.)

At the end of these phone calls my SIL always says they "must come to visit me soon" and I agree, and sometimes I suggest a date based on what's coming up, like one of our birthdays, or Easter. She then says she will liaise with him about when would be the best time to come, and will ring me back, but she never does. Nowadays, we live only 40 miles apart, and although I am now disabled and I do not drive so cannot visit them, he still drives and is fit and well, driving to work 2 to 3 days a week. And yet he has not been to visit me for seven years.

Seven years!

During that time, as his wife knows, as I have told her, that I've suffered from clinical depression, developed an anxiety disorder, had a breakdown through being relentlessly bullied by a group of people, lost my partner to cancer, and become physically disabled, losing my mobility, which has been very traumatic, and yet none of these life events have prompted him to want to even speak to me on the phone, let alone actually visit me, and yet he is only 45 minutes away by car.

He is, clearly, willing to go to his grave without EVER seeing me again. And I have no idea why.

At this point I ought to say, in case anyone is wondering, that to my knowledge I have never done anything to deserve being dropped and excluded from their life. I've never got drunk or caused an argument or committed a faux pas. We've never had an argument or any strife between us. Believe me, I have wracked my brain on many occasions trying to remember anything I may have said or done to make him dislike me, which he clearly does, and I am at a complete loss. He kept me on the margins of his life until Mum died, and it seems to be her death that prompted him to push me even off the margin and out of his life altogether.

What has prompted me to post this today is that I received the usual Xmas card, written as usual by her, not him, signed "All our love" and "See you soon!" And yet it's crystal clear that they do not "love" me at all and have zero intention of seeing me "soon", nor indeed at all for the rest of our lives.

I hate fakery, and these yearly birthday and Xmas cards, and yearly, breezy, brief phone calls, are fakery, aren't they? I did not bother sending them a card this year as I am sick and tired of engaging with the fakery of sending "all my love" to them and going along with the fiction that we will see each other "soon".

I have thought about writing to them and telling them how hurt I am by their actions in gradually cutting contact with me without giving me any reason or explanation. Should I? Or will this simply make things worse?

Because of his unbrotherly treatment of me, I have made sure that he, though he is my next of kin, gets nothing in my will and that means his kids or grandkids will not inherit from me. (I don't have much money but I do own a large house that is worth a small fortune). Am I wrong to do this? Is that just being spiteful in retaliation, or the right thing to do under the circumstances?

I’m sorry, this must be so hard for you. I agree with a pp who said sometimes a sibling relationship doesn’t survive the death of the parents. And that’s for siblings who grew up closer than you did with your brother.

I’ve found it hard to keep a relationship going with my brother at times, we see each other twice a year and that’s it. No phone calls inbetween, etc. we just don’t have a lot in common I guess.

maybe if he’s such an extrovert and you’re not he also feels like you don’t have much in common. It’s a shame he can’t make more of an effort regardless though. I don’t want to generalise but in my experience men can find it easier to drop relationships which don’t work for them. My brother dropped my step mother after our dad died for no reason apart from he didn’t see a point in carrying on a relationship with her anymore 🤷‍♀️

i would concentrate on yourself, friends, activities. I think you’ve done the right thing changing your will.

Do you have any reason to think any of his family could have a claim on your estate? Did you inherit from another family member, for example?

I'd certainly be making sure I had an updated Will in place and, if necessary, a note saying why they'd been excluded.

PS Brother and his wife are not the type to be interested in what he might inherit from me. They are both extremely generous people. Even 45 years ago when they got their first tiny house and were struggling to get by on one way they were hosting three or four parties a year as well as Xmas and paying for all the food and booze for dozens and dozens of guests. They are the type that love being hosts. They don't seem to like being paid for, or being guests. It's just the way they are.

I have only held two parties in my entire life! One on my 14th birthday and one on my 50th and they were invited to, and attended, both, and were the life and soul of the party, which saved me from the struggle to be!

I'm not sure if you get that invitations, friendships and family connections are a 2 way street. You mention that he used to invite you to things when your mother was alive, although you were not close as he was older and you didn't form a bond in the 6 months you lived together - again you'd be clearly at different stages in life so understandable. Although he invited and you went, you still didn't form a bond.
But it's all about him inviting or not, did you invite him to things in your life. Was he invited to nights out or gatherings that you had. It's all a bit what he did or didn't do. More info needed, did you reciprocate, did he turn up to your invites?

cushionfiend · Today 19:43

I would imagine that it's your large house that keeps his wife keeping in contact with you.

As always with MN someone always nails it in the first 3 posts.
Leave your money to whomever you want, and if it's not them or their offspring so be it. You reap what you sow.

You could leave it to a charity?

Thinking, maybe you have a favourite animal, maybe you like cats. So cays protection.

You mentioned you are disabled, is there a charity related to that?

Is there something you are passionate about?

I’ve blocked all contact with the children of my dad’s previous relationship. As a child I was in awe of them, looked up to them, but when I got married the true colours shone through. Since 2012, I stopped all gifts, sending cards and it’s been bliss. Since my dad died their behaviour has been shocking but it’s bliss to have no reason to know about them. I have some very good friends who make up for the sibling relationship and who class themselves my childrens aunties and uncles. It’s their loss not mine. They are bitter and twisted and I’ve made sure in my will that should my children don’t outlive me it goes to the children I refer to as my nieces and nephews.

it took me a long time to get to the point that I don’t care.

The only claim he has is that he is my legal next of kin.

I have never inherited a single penny from anyone. Everything I have now, and indeed have ever owned, I have worked for myself. The partner who died was someone I met when I was in my 40s and already owned this house. He was a poor man and left nothing.

I don't think they would contest my will. They are not nasty or greedy or disrespectful people at all. My brother is extremely popular and well liked.

You sound lovely and understandably saddened by what’s happened and what is happening.
As I was reading your post I was trying to see why his wife would keep in touch with you albeit very limited and on her terms and until you mentioned your home I couldn’t see what it was.
I just think you are very different people and if there wasn’t that blood link there would be no friendship or contact - he is not your type of person, you are caring and have struggled with what life has thrown at you and I myself suffer with mental health problems and I think it’s the thinkers and carers that always come off worse as we are easily hurt and easily chipped and cracked.
I think if you needed to explain it you could write to him in a none emotive fashion and explain how you see your ‘relationship’has dwindled and you are feeling cast aside and if he wanted to maintain a relationship with you it would be nice to meet up and address the situation - but obviously if he has no intention of keeping in touch you will accept the none reply as his decision.
At the moment you are grieving for many things once that settles you may well be able to find other relationships that bring you connection and comfort and maybe leave a legacy to someone else, but is there a possibility you might sell your lovely home and use some of the money to enjoy YOUR life? Xx

It seems your brother can’t be bothered to even pretend to want to be in your life, which is really sad. I do feel for you.

It’s a shame though because that you can’t keep a relationship going with your SIL, as she does phone you. Could you invite her round to your house for a coffee/chat? Maybe if you make the first move and it’s just her invited, she may come. If she doesn’t then next time she suggests meeting I’d be honest and say “yes I want to but you don’t seem to ever want to commit to meeting, is there a reason?”

I suspect, & this is only speculation, that your DB may be envious of you. You had a family that you were close to, he may have yearned to be part of it & secretly resents you ( not your fault) for it. You say that he from was your dm's first marriage, he may have been very distressed when his parents separated? This sort of thing can breed a lot of resentment in families.
If this is the case it is said that he hasn't managed to resolve his issues. But at 80 he isn't likely to now!
So I would say do what makes you happy, spend time with people who appreciate you & let him do whatever he wants. You don't have to reciprocate.

@Ladyof2022 in that case leave your estate to whomsoever you wish. You have no obligation towards your half brother and his family at all (in any case), the less so given the circumstances you've outlined here.

Yes I invited him to many things in my life and yes he always attended. I can't post details as it might be too "outing" but for example there was a ceremony in London for something notable I had achieved and he came along and as he mingled I heard him tell people how proud he was of his "little sister". Ten years on he attended another ceremony where I was awarded.

We lived 100 miles apart and he was married with kids when I was old enough to have nights out, so, no, it was not appropriate for me to invite him to nights out. The age gap was also a life gap. He spent many years raising kids and forging a career whilst I also worked at a time consuming career 100 miles away.

Wherever I have lived, over the decades he and his wife have visited me at my home many times.

But you didn’t grow up as siblings, and by your own account, had an amiable but distant relationship for most of your adult lives. I know you’d like the relationship to be closer, but surely it’s not surprising he wasn’t inviting someone you describe as being ‘like a distant relative’ to Christmas Day or to use his holiday home, or that he and his wife don’t ‘love’ you.

Is your brother called Howard?

Ah the update, so you invited him to 2 things in 36 years whereas he was inviting you every year. Ever go out to a meal, gig, the theatre or a night out that he could of been invited to in that time?
How can you expect to form a relationship when you've invited him twice in 36 years!! Was your 50th before your mother died? He may not have invited you to anything since, but neither have you it looks like.
I think maybe you have seen him as a major provider of your only social opportunities, and perhaps that's because you don't have much of a social life. He's a socialite, so has do's, but his purpose in life is not to provide an outlet for you. If you are more of an introvert type, accept it, but also see that ot means you haven't reciprocated by inviting him to stuff. This is how a bond is formed, its to and fro, A bond is not automatic because of genetics, you both have to take the time.

Even though you say you invited him to your house sometimes, I expect he started to feel he did most of the organising and hardwork in seeing you and maintaining a relationship.
After a while this starts to get really annoying. We have family members who are always thrilled to be asked to us but can never be bothered to reciprocate. I have decided not to make much of an effort with them now.
Also he's quite a bit older. Organisation becomes more of an effort. He might well feel that you are not really interested.
I would like to hear his take on all this.

OK, so drip feeding a tad and you did invite him to some things. On balance, who did the most invites - guessing its him being the socialite?
You just sound bitter over not being close, but it doesn't sound any more his fault than yours. 15 years is a big gap - I'm impressed he still travels to work as you say being 80 years old if you're 65.
Inheritance wise, chances are that you will outlive him anyway, so he probably hasn't considered what you'd do.
I suspect its to do with him being your only relative, so from you pov you wish you were closer. He has DC, wife etc and you don't, that's the path you chose, he's not responsible for your happiness.

Regarding a comments made by posters. No, my bro and me have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever and it's true to say that if we had not the blood connection through our mother, we would never have met or if we had met by some weird chance we would not have pursued any kind of friendship.

I am quiet, introverted, shy and academic. He hasn't read a book since he left school. As I've grown into maturity I find crowds and noise grate on my nerves. He's in showbiz and loves attention, noise, loud music, crowds, being on stage and putting on a big show. I love to spend time one-to-one with one person at a time, a close, intimate friend and confidante. He is a loudmouth socialite with hundreds of shallow acquaintances and he loves to bring them all together in his big house and be the life and soul of his own party.

Having read more of your replies I have come to realise that I've been stupid to expect him to act any differently than he has. Since Mum died, there is no connection between us whatsoever and that is why he's pulled back.

His wife phones me out of guilt and obligation, because she's a nice, kind, caring person. But because they have kids, grand kids, and great grand kids, and hundreds of acquaintances, she has to keep things shallow as she is spread so thinly.

I did not realise till now that when she asks me how I am, I am supposed to lie by replying "Fine, how are you?" and keep things light. Instead I have bored her by telling her my troubles, because I see her as someone who has been in my life since I was 10 years old, I see her as family, the only family I have got, and therefore someone with whom I can, and should, be honest. But she does not want honesty. She wants a lightweight, short and breezy chat about unimportant, shallow things. I'm probably one of 25 people she has to ring that day and I have held her up by keeping her on the phone for an hour.

I feel like the blinkers have been ripped off my eyes. Thank you Mumsnetters!

Oh god I feel rather stupid now. I know I am not very intelligent or perceptive when it comes to people (I am probably autistic).

Please don’t let anything I suggested upset you xx

Don’t feel stupid. I agree that your SIL keeps in contact not out of hoping her kids will inherit your house but out of a mix of being nice and feeling some obligation towards you.

if I were you I’d write them a letter saying that you’re sad that the relationship has dwindled and it would be nice to pick things up again. Sadly though I think you’ve hit the nail on the head that what from their point of view is a fairly superficial relationship they don’t want to hear about your troubles, etc. which says more about them than about you. If they were kinder, more perceptive (your brother especially) he’d recognise that you need this as he’s your only relative. But it does sound like you’re polar opposites.

@Opentooffers

"so you invited him to 2 things in 36 years whereas he was inviting you every year. Ever go out to a meal, gig, the theatre or a night out that he could of been invited to in that time?"

You are being too harsh on me. You don't understand! When I was of the age to be going to meal, gig, the theatre or a night out he was an exhausted Dad trying to forge a career. When I was 18 he was 33. Then I moved 100 miles away and it's not feasible to invite someone to leave his wife and kids at home to drive a round trip of 200 miles to come to something he would not have been interested in anyway because our tastes are completely different.

"How can you expect to form a relationship when you've invited him twice in 36 years!!"

I have not "invited him twice in 36 years". I invited him to visit me any time he liked, every time I moved into a new place, for my birthday, around Xmas but not Xmas as he always hosts house parties. He's been visiting me, and I've been visiting him, from my age 11 until my age 50. So, nearly 40 years of meeting up.

"Was your 50th before your mother died? "

No, it was 14 years later. She died when I was 36.

"He may not have invited you to anything since, but neither have you it looks like."

No, as I have said upthread, he's been invited many times, has visited me here many times, and I have visited him many times, and he's been invited to and attended events that were important to me.

It's just the last seven years that he has neither invited me, nor visited me.

I do not have a car and I cannot get to his house as my disability prevents me using public transport.

No, that is not true @Purplepurse

When we were on the phone discussing meeting up he'd ALWAYS say "We'll come to you." He preferred to visit me rather than vice-versa. Firstly, I don't have a car and they don't live anywhere near a station. On top of that, they both love a trip to the seaside (I live by the sea) and he loves going out for fish and chips.

There is no "organising" involved in just getting into his car and driving to my house. And he would not consider driving to be "hard work" as he enjoys it.

If he was truly fed up with always coming here he COULD have asked me to get the train and then driven to the nearest station to collect me. He wanted to come to me.

There is no way he would ever have thought that I was "not really interested". When they visited I engaged with them 100%, gave them my total attention. We'd go out for a meal, a walk along the seafront, etc and they both really enjoyed their day here. When leaving they would mention coming to visit me again sometime, not me going to theirs.

Thanks, @CoffeeBoy . My brother isn't a perceptive, quiet, thinking, kind of man. It's probably never occurred to him that he is my only living relative. He has always struggled to see things from other people's point of view. He has a monkey mind, always flitting from one thing to another and he is very wrapped up in his showbiz career. A bit of a narcissist but I don't mean that in a bad way.

He probably never sat down and realised that, whilst he has a massive family of kids, grand-kids, and great-grand-kids, plus blood relations via his father's side, I have no blood kin but him.

My dad's siblings only produced one child between them, and she died childless many years ago, so I also have no relations on my father's side.

Ah, well, different people, and you have no interest in him at all anyway, so what can you expect? You don't like that he's a socialite and you, as an introvert are being a bit scathing of the people he has around him.
Not sure what your point is. It seemed to be that he doesn't invite you to things so you are not having him in your will, although you'll outlive him so its not all that relevant.
You're an introvert, so haven't made your own connections with people. I think it's the time of year, you are doing comparisons and taking stock at the end of the year. You are hoping that blood would mean something, whilst acknowledging it doesn't. But really, would you notice him or miss him if your life was busy with other things? Have you retired recently, maybe too much solitude lately and your reduced mobility - you are young to be so disabled that you can't drive, that must be restrictive. Then there is partner bereavement. Has your own circle got too small perhaps?