Half brother. Carry on faking or not? WWYD?

[Ladyof2022]

I am sorry that this turned out to be so lengthy. I imagined I could tell the whole thing in a couple of paragraphs but somehow it just kept growing.

It's turned into a combination of getting my thoughts straight, getting this hurt off my chest, and asking a WWYD and an AIBU? at the end. Please don't feel obliged to read it if you don't have time!

I am 65 and have a half-brother 15 years older than me. He is the son of mum's first marriage and we did not grow up in the same house. I only met him now and again from my age 5 to 11, when he moved in with me, our mum and my dad for about 6 months when he was 25. After he moved out we went back to meeting only now and again for short periods of time.

I have no other siblings and both my parents are dead, so he is now the elder and I suppose "head" of the "family" and also, legally, he is my next of kin. Actually he is my ONLY kin as I am not married and have no children.

We are not like brother and sister; his place in my life has been more like that of a distant uncle, partly I suppose because he's nearly old enough to be my dad. We've never fallen out, but never been close, either.

He's an extremely gregarious man who over the years had hosted many dinner and house parties; he thinks nothing of inviting 20 or 30 people to his house for the day. He used to invite me to every one of his gatherings, house parties, wedding anniversaries and birthday parties but after Mum died 15 yrs ago he just stopped inviting me without saying why and I was too hurt or too shy to ask why.

Over the 50 years of his marriage he and his wife have been away for hundreds of weekends or holidays with other couples or other family members. For 30 years they owned a holiday home abroad and everyone they know seems to have been invited to stay there either with them, or when they were not using it. However, he has never once invited me to stay at his house or his holiday place or to go on holiday or a weekend away.

He invited me to spend the day at his house (along with about 10+ other guests) every Boxing Day for over 20 years; however, he never once invited me for Xmas Day, as that was reserved for his real family (i.e. his kids, our mum, his MIL, etc).

He and my SIL raised two children whom I very rarely met during their childhood, and I have not seen them or had contact with them since the last time I was there for Boxing Day in 2008. They grew up, left home, married and had kids of their own, whom I have never met. None have ever made contact with me, even though I am easily findable on Facebook or through their mother. So they, also, want nothing to do with me.

Three years after Mum died, without explanation he ceased inviting me to his yearly Boxing Day gatherings. Birthday and Christmas cards began to be signed only by his wife. If I ring them they never answer the phone and they don't have an answerphone. He used to phone me 3 or 4 times a year, but that has devolved into his wife ringing me once a year. (I've known his wife since they started dating 50 years ago.) When she rings she always "can't chat for long" as she's "about to go out" or has "some potatoes on the hob" or expecting a guest any minute. I get the feeling that she only rings out of some kind of "duty" or obligation and if that is the case, I would rather she not bother. I don't want to be a chore to anyone. However, I am polite and chirpy and friendly and she will cheerily tell me about the gatherings and holidays and outings they've had in the last few months. If I ask to speak to my brother he's "at work". (He's in the entertainment industry and, though he's pushing 80, is still working, albeit part time.)

At the end of these phone calls my SIL always says they "must come to visit me soon" and I agree, and sometimes I suggest a date based on what's coming up, like one of our birthdays, or Easter. She then says she will liaise with him about when would be the best time to come, and will ring me back, but she never does. Nowadays, we live only 40 miles apart, and although I am now disabled and I do not drive so cannot visit them, he still drives and is fit and well, driving to work 2 to 3 days a week. And yet he has not been to visit me for seven years.

Seven years!

During that time, as his wife knows, as I have told her, that I've suffered from clinical depression, developed an anxiety disorder, had a breakdown through being relentlessly bullied by a group of people, lost my partner to cancer, and become physically disabled, losing my mobility, which has been very traumatic, and yet none of these life events have prompted him to want to even speak to me on the phone, let alone actually visit me, and yet he is only 45 minutes away by car.

He is, clearly, willing to go to his grave without EVER seeing me again. And I have no idea why.

At this point I ought to say, in case anyone is wondering, that to my knowledge I have never done anything to deserve being dropped and excluded from their life. I've never got drunk or caused an argument or committed a faux pas. We've never had an argument or any strife between us. Believe me, I have wracked my brain on many occasions trying to remember anything I may have said or done to make him dislike me, which he clearly does, and I am at a complete loss. He kept me on the margins of his life until Mum died, and it seems to be her death that prompted him to push me even off the margin and out of his life altogether.

What has prompted me to post this today is that I received the usual Xmas card, written as usual by her, not him, signed "All our love" and "See you soon!" And yet it's crystal clear that they do not "love" me at all and have zero intention of seeing me "soon", nor indeed at all for the rest of our lives.

I hate fakery, and these yearly birthday and Xmas cards, and yearly, breezy, brief phone calls, are fakery, aren't they? I did not bother sending them a card this year as I am sick and tired of engaging with the fakery of sending "all my love" to them and going along with the fiction that we will see each other "soon".

I have thought about writing to them and telling them how hurt I am by their actions in gradually cutting contact with me without giving me any reason or explanation. Should I? Or will this simply make things worse?

Because of his unbrotherly treatment of me, I have made sure that he, though he is my next of kin, gets nothing in my will and that means his kids or grandkids will not inherit from me. (I don't have much money but I do own a large house that is worth a small fortune). Am I wrong to do this? Is that just being spiteful in retaliation, or the right thing to do under the circumstances?

Did he grow up with his dad? Did your mum leave his dad? How was your father's treatment towards him? It could have been the family dynamics.

I agree with you about the will. Speak to a solicitor about how to phrase it, but I wouldn't put him in it. It wouldn't be surprising if their children came out of the woodwork as you get older. I do think his wife is thinking of their inheritance.

It's unusual that he wasn't living with his mother and I wonder whether he struggled with that and was jealous of you because you did?

You can name anyone you want as your next of kin in medical records.
Find out about Powers of Attorney for health and finance, in case you are unable to deal with either of these at some point.
If you want to leave something to the kids and / or grandkids you can do that without having to leave anything to your half-brother.
Get some legal advice.

I agree that this goes back to his childhood and likely whatever happened between your mum and his dad and his living situation. Your mum clearly moved on and had you - I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he resented that. Bluntly speaking, now your mum is dead, he doesn’t really need to include you if he doesn’t want to, especially if he was only doing so to keep your mum happy.

Reading between the lines and without meaning to sound harsh, it sounds like you maybe talk the back legs off her about all your problems . If she only calls once a year but is aware of all your misfortunes could you possibly be just talking about yourself and your troubles ? Do you know what has been happening in their lives over the past 7 years? Are the phone calls always about you? Do you think she maybe gets off the phone exhausted?
If she’s telling you she can’t chat for long at the beginning of every call there’s a reason for that!! Sorry

I very much doubt an 80 year old man is holding out that his sister, 15 years younger, dies and leaves him her house.

If the kids were interested, they would be in touch with the Op.

Its entirely possible her brother and his kids haven’t even thought about her house or it’s worth.

I would not bother any more tbh. Many sibling relationships don't survive much beyond the death of parents.
Make sure your will is watertight. Lodge it with solicitor and make certain that information is with the benicificiaries.

My aunt had this exact type of relationship with my uncle. Polite calls every 4th Sunday, a Xmas card, a very rare visit in the earlier days lasting maybe an hour tops. Gradually over the years the regularity of the calls dropped, no visits, contact reduced to a Xmas or bday card. Eventually my aunt was blunt during one of the polite calls and said something along the lines of “you have nothing to say to me and I have nothing to say to you” and that was that. She wasn’t no contact but it was minimal. She didn’t wish him any ill will but she couldn’t stand fakery, as you say she would rather no effort than all this fake “we must meet up soon!!!!”, knowing full well it would never happen.

Anyway she died a few years back, she’d had a short illness and knew time was limited, I asked many times should I contact her brother and the answer was no. She died never speaking to him again. I had to inform him, he was shocked and obviously a little sad. Came to the funeral but did not want to visit her home (he’d never been to her last house) and didn’t wish to take any of her personal belongings (bar a few photos of their childhood he’d specifically asked me for).

I haven’t heard from him since.

OP there is nothing as queer as folk. As an armchair physiologist I guess that he has held some pain over his early years, perhaps feeling like he was never given the real family experience. And for whatever reason this hurt has been directed at you - unfairly of course. But it is what it is.

in your shoes I would probably wait for the next call, when Mrs comes on the phone all bright and breezy I probably would do as my aunt did
“Let’s be real here, you have no interest in my life, you haven’t for many years and nor does my brother. I wish you well but do not feel the need to call me again, unless of course we can have a real conversation without all this fakery, goodbye”

or I would possibly write a letter. It’s not a bad idea to write the letter and maybe sit on it. You don’t have to post immediately or at all.

The older I get the more I crave authentic connections. I couldn’t tolerate this situation

It sounds like he's made a perfectly reasonable amount of effort over the years. It's not clear that you've really reciprocated and the expectation from your side seems from your post to be that he should put in all the work.

I feel sad reading this. Life's too short to be worrying why other people do what they do. If you want to ask why then absolutely write them a letter to explain your feelings. You may regret not seeking some explanation in the future.
As for your Will, if they don't treat you as family then why would you want to leave them anything. I would leave my money to close friends who have been there for me and charities.
I hope you get some answers. X

I agree with you about the will he deserves a big fat nothing. If I were you living in a large house worth a small fortune I would be selling it and moving to something much smaller and more manageable then spend some of that equity and do something fun for you - have that cruise you may have dreamed of
and start living as much as your disability allows.

Why not sell your house ,downsize and have a great time with the proceeds .
I don't know the answer but if this were me i would be concentrating on doing things to please myself.

Your post is all about what he does and doesn't do for you, none of what your part in all this is. How often did you ring and invite them to visit you? Meet up for a meal or show? Did you ever actively try to have a relationship with him and his family?
You say you've no idea why you've been demoted but your self description makes for depressing reading. I have a life threatening condition that will mean I never get to your age but I don't let it define me and use time with friends and family as a break from it. It rarely pops up on conversation and I never post about it on social media. Compassion fatigue is real.
Is it also possible he was jealous that you were raised by your DM? Your OP makes it sound like he wasn't.
I find few men of that generation make the effort. It's usually down to the wife. Could you try ringing her occasionally?
You might not drive but you could easily get to his home if you really wanted to.

With your house, I would downsize and release equity to enjoy now. Make your life easier, do some things that will give you pleasure. In your will you can list whoever you want - loyal friends, charities. I wouldn't feel you need to list people just because they are related to you. I very much doubt a man in his 80s is expecting an inheritance from his younger half sister, and I doubt his children and grandchildren are expecting one from a relative they have barely or never met.

Can I ask - is there any history that could be limiting how he feels about you? Did your mother leave him to start a new family? Did he feel that she favoured you over him? Did she remember you both equally in her will?

Honestly I would try and put thoughts of your half-brother aside. I'd try and focus on building other relationships. You'll never know what prompted him to contact you less, and it may entirely relate to him and not to you.

^^I’m wondering this as well. Was he left behind when your Mum started a new relationship/family? If so, he may have always secretly resented you and only kept in touch while your Mum was alive.

It’s very sad, but I’d cut ties completely.

Negotiating a relationship with a half sibling with whom you haven't been raised is hard.
It sounds like he and his wife have invested effort over the years but the substance of the relationship isnt really there.
No need for bitterness or blame.

Just looking at the root cause of this. When your mum died did you involve him in funeral planning? Did your DM leave you both equal shares in things? The only thing I can think of is he was (accidentally, I'm sure) made to feel "less than" and is taking it out on you. Or could he have found something and been angry at you?

I am a half and step child and have heard family members say thoughtless things over the years. My stepmother was in my life from before I was born. Always treated me as her own, as did her amazing family. Until one day, when in my late teens, at a party in front of our entire family, I heard my favourite aunt (sister of step-mum) say in conversation "she's not my real niece" to someone at a party, about me. Such a thoughtless comment but I was mortified and have always felt awkward and embarrassed around her since. I felt confused as to why they had encouraged me calling her aunt and we had bonded and she treated me exactly the same as her "real" nieces and nephews if she was going to make a public declaration that I was a fraud and not part of her family. It ruined our relationship yet was such a simple (and true) statement. Could you (or someone else) have said something around your mums passing that he has taken badly?

I think that good sibling relationships are fostered and encouraged by parents, and due to the family circumstances you did not have that firm foundation. Peoples priorities do change after a significant death, and he may have a fairly superficial style in general when it comes to relationships. I am sorry you have had this situation, I know from experience it is very painful when siblings dont give a crap about you and your life. I hope you can use your energy on your life and your feirnds and let go of anything that does not feel right for you to do - so yep, no more cards or etc if you dont want to. I am sorry you have this situation.

There is no reason why you should leave you house to him or his family in your will . If there is nobody else you feel obliged to leave it to then I think you should make the most of it for yourself now, by selling and downsizing or borrowing through equity release so that you can have a really comfortable, even luxurious, life. You deserve it, and they don’t.

It’s clear that he and his wife don’t think of you as close family so you have no obligation towards them. I guess that they probably don’t expect to, or need to, inherit anything from you either. He is much older than you, so I guess he would not expect to die before you. Also, if he is still working and he throws big parties I guess he is quite comfortably off. I sense that you worry you might upset his family by not including them in your will. But, to be blunt, if they are well off and have an extended family and lots of friends I doubt they will think anything of it, and neither will their children. It’s a big deal for you, but unlikely to be for them.

I think the same can be said for their contact with you. They seem to be quite successful and sociable people. They have invited you to plenty of things in the past. How many social events have you invited them to yourself? I get the sense that you feel they should be the ones who make all the effort. But if you are quite passive at social events and need a lot of drawing out, and don’t invite you to parties at your house they might feel you are hard work socially. I know that sounds blunt but many very sociable people feel that way.

Thanks and indeed congrats to all who waded through my long post. I only expected one or two responses and was amazed to get 30+

I've read every one of your replies slowly and carefully, and in silence, taking it all in and considering what you have said.

To reply to some points: no, he would not have been jealous of my relationship with Mum. In fact it's the opposite: he spent far more time with her than I did, especially in her final 20 years because I had moved 100 miles away whilst she lived close to him and went to his every Sunday for decades, AND she joined him and his wife for many holidays.

He lived with Mum and his blood father for the first 13 or 14 years of his life. They divorced then she met my dad and had me. When I was about 3 my brother joined the navy for 5 years. He used to visit from time to time but I don't think I quite understood who he was. Then he lived with us when I was 11. He got on extremely well with my father.

Posters asked if I reciprocated with all the invitations over the years. No, I did not. Whilst he is an extroverted social butterfly with hundreds of acquaintances, I have always been quiet, shy and introverted, with a tiny circle of very close friends. As a hard-up single woman living in cramped accommodation in London during my teens and twenties I never had the space to host him, his wife and their children, anyway. By the time I got to own a place big enough their Xmas and Boxing Day gatherings were an established yearly "thing" with loads of guests each day so it would have been pointless asking them to come to me Boxing Day as they would have had to cancel all their guests coming, including their children's friends, which was unthinkable.

However, over the last three decades I have invited them to my home many times and they used to visit me once or twice a year, staying three or four hours. They'd bring flowers and we'd have a lovely time, chatting and laughing, him telling me so many anecdotes from their busy and interesting lives, and everything was good. I'd always offer to cook but Brother would always insist on a restaurant lunch, and he'd also insist on paying the bill. However, these visits ceased seven years ago, for no apparent reason, since when it's just been a case of her always saying "see you soon" or "we'll be down to visit soon" but that day never comes.

It simply was not possible for me to pursue a relationship with their children. I did not know how to. I saw them at the parties (if they were up) and Boxing Day, and chatted to them, but that was all. I did not know what more I could do especially as I had moved and lived 100 miles away. I did send them birthday cards for many years, and of course brought Xmas presents for them and their parents every single year that I visited. But even when these children grew into adults they never once sent me even a single birthday or Xmas card so I just stopped sending them cards after they had left home. I did not know their addresses anyway. Now they are in their 40s.

Having read every single response most carefully and I think the best suggestion is to just disengage and if SIL gets me on the phone just tell her that she need not make any more of these duty-obligation calls to me, since it's clear they don't love me or consider me family. It's terribly sad for me as he and his descendants are my only living relatives.

I've been working with a solicitor, updating my will and have cut him and his kids out of it completely. It's been really difficult finding someone to leave the house to, the solicitor says whoever I leave it to will have to sell it to pay the inheritance tax which will be about a quarter of a million pounds.

I feel for you particularly as you have described a very difficult few years, loosing partner, becoming disabled and struggling with mental ill health. I want to give you my honest view based on what you’ve written but of course discard anything unhelpful or that I’ve misunderstood.

Reading this it sounds like you have never had a close relationship with your half brother because of the age gap and minimal time spent living together growing up. I think that’s important because it is often these experiences that form kinship and connection that makes you prioritise family you don’t live with, when life gets busy. He does also sound extremely busy with a large family and working into his 80s. So my guess would be rather than there being any malice or dislike you aren’t present in his thoughts the way siblings often are. There will also big life events for them and their children during this period (new grandchildren etc) so they may also not have the bandwidth or will to carry you through your painful experiences in the way you would hope.

I think posts suggesting they stay in contact to maintain an inheritance from you are hurtful and almost certainly wrong.
Equally I imagine they would be baffled if you were to by confront them and I’m not sure what it would achieve for you to do so. I would worry about enmeshing yourself in negativity and bitterness when you are vulnerable.

It sounds to me like they can’t offer what you crave and a better focus would be to get support and strengthen your support and friendships. Maybe with others who are widowed or some hobbies in the community. Depression can be really isolating and it’s harder to make those kinds of deep friendships so reaching out through a listening service or joining a church group (whether you are religious or not) can help you through loneliness when you are in a place to build back after your traumatic few years. I wish you all the best.

Ignore my post - I’ve seen you have updated OP.

Exactly what I was going to write. Relationships are a two way business - from how you posted it sounded like you expected for them to reach out to you, but not vice versa. How often did you phone them etc.

I actually don’t feel he has done anything wrong. He has invited you to family get togethers, and you say yourself he was more like an uncle to you. There’s no obligation for his kids to include you in everything.

You’re expecting more from your half brother, purely because he’s your brother. He doesn’t owe you anything.

He probably doesn’t expect anything from your will just because you are related.

Mum lived near him and he took care of the funeral and made all the decisions without consulting me. I was happy with that. She only left enough to pay for her funeral so there was no inheritance from her.

I cannot imagine what anyone could have said to upset him. He's not at all a sensitive sort. He's more like a bull in a china shop type of man, and yet he gets away with it because he's so effusive, amiable, outgoing and friendly.

Leave your money to a donkey sanctuary. Find 2 donkeys with your relatives names and send them a card with a photo each and an explanation of your plans in the new year op..